Maniquette is now Man:
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Shaw's Guide
to Violating the Rules of Man: The Book
Devean George:
Dallas's new favorite son
Steve's Second
Butthole
Worst Athletes
in Acting History
The Great
Billy Baldwin
Checking
the 2008 Presidential Race
Super
Bowl Predictions from Overseas
Tony Romo
answers fan mail, on our site!
1st
Annual Deadly Hippos Roast of Bill Simmons
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For some reason
the fact that it was a male nurse was the strangest part for us.
Porn for your mobile
phone. Just in time for Valentine's Day!!!
With
that last name, is anyone surprised?
if this
only came out in february of 2008, then it would be perfect for
Maniquette.
Do
you watch Grey's Anatomy? This link courtesy of Giller...
And
thanks to Addington for providing a pointer to some hard scientific
evidence for the hotness of rapper Mims ("This is why I'm hot")
Why
did people have baseball bats at a basketball game in Serbia-Montenegro?
Vote
for the strangest story of last week, courtesy of MSN,
This
is the worst two million bucks ever spent that wasn't sports related.
The divorce will cost more...
Women
are so evil...and greedy....but she DID have to stare at his gap
for all those years...
Not
even the might JT / DJ beerpong team of 2000-2002 could beat this
guy.
This
is some good Will Ferrell right here
Looks
like someone is trying to get into the CATD for next year
Just
one link: Kermit the Frog sings "Hurt," surrounded by
discarded heroin paraphernalia. No, just kidding... or am I?
tom
green raps against xzibit. tom green wins.
best line: "i hit you with a five hundred ton blast of george
bushie"
yeah. what he said. seriously, this is amazing.
Never
has the Maniquette code been more closely followed than
this....
This
little fella is destined for a Turducken Thanksgiving...
What
kind of world do we live in when starring in "Goodfellas"
can't get you off a Dewey?
This
is like Jenna Jamison trying to adopt...not gonna happen.
The
funny part is, the woman got the ticket.
This
is why it's so much better to go fishing drunk...
Surprisingly,
this isn't a script for a new porno, it actually happened in South
Carolina. Side note - All single staff members of Deadly Hippos
are buying National Guard costumes and moving to South Carolina.
More
breaking news in the death of Barbaro
President
Bush tries to run the press over with a tractor. Seriously.
Somehow,
someway, this man is married. There is hope for dorks everywhere.
We
guess the Muslims have "Burqini Watch" on TV.
We
have no idea why this is funny, it just is.
First
bad joke of 2007: "It can be dangerous trying to bring home
the bacon!". We apologize.
What
is it with Aussies and wild animals?
Next
on the agenda should be that pesky AIDS thing...
A
French Hannibal Lechter? We're suprised he even knew how to use
a knife.
Resident
Hippo JT decides to move to Bangkokso he can sleep at work, and
not get fired. Plus he loves saying Bangkok...
Safest
bet ever: These dudes will NEVER get laid.
DJ's
challenge to the 27: Are you the exception or the rule? And no "ask
your mother/sister/grandma/aunt/wife" comebacks...those will
not suffice...
Is it crazier
that Prince is performing at halftime of the Super Bowl this year,
or that he is now a Jehova's Witness?
The
term "sex worker" is hilarious...
Greasy
ass burgers served by scantily clad waitresses. And this is a problem
because? And how is Hooters any different?
This
is why JT isn't allowed to babysit anymore.
Singapore
tops the list as top site possiblity for the 2007 Hippos reunion.
And this is why...
Pass
that doobie to the left hand side....
Drunken
moose drowns. This is absolutely hilarious.
Like
there is anything else to do around midnight in Boise...
At
some point you have to say enough is enough, and stand up for what
you believe in... Thank you Guns N Roses
This
is absolute blasphemy. You can't take the sin out of Sin City, nor
the raunch out of strippers.
This
would never happen in America. Mainly because we have guns.
This
is wrong on so many levels. Who knew Jenna Jamison could save an
endagered species?
This
is why you never stick things up your ass.
Coincidentally,
upon the release of the PS3, divorce rates will climb to their highest
point...
I
guess Harold and Kumar was all just a lie. It sounds like NPH would
do that
The
annual DH Retreat just lost another location possibilty: China.
I
mean, who doesn't grunt while squatting 500 lbs? This is the dumbest
gym ever.
This is absolutely hilarious. Add to it the fact
he must wear the same article of clothing for 22 months.
Clay
and DJ once again beam with Nashville pride.
The
greatest and most horrific sports music video you will ever see.
No wonder the Atlanta Hawks are a cursed franchise.
Nelly
and Chingy rejoice as they now finally have street cred.
This
is why Americans are fat asses.
Mr.
Wilson brought in for questioning....
Why
is this a problem again? Some things don't need to be researched...
This
is utter blasphemy. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
How
could she not win? Resident 'Bama Hippos Stretch and KWo WILL make
this happen....
Hippos
face the brink of extinction. Luckily, Stretch is a giraffe...
Be
prepared to be grossed out beyond belief. Man caught giving his
dog a bone...
Which
segways to this fetish. Man fondles mannequins. At least he had
good taste
Besides
Maniquette, this is the most sexist thing we've ever read.
This
man replaces Brad Pitt as the luckiest man in the world, but only
barely.
A
Disney orgy? Leave it to the French to defile the last bastion of
childhood innocence.
I
guess chasing Bin Laden for forever has its advantages. Note how
it was lit on fire and troops were "accidentally" caught
downwind.
No
this was not in the Deep South, but strange none the less...
It's
no coincidence that the 'Canes are involved in the two biggest brawls
in NCAAF history, first against CU and now this one.
Despite
a huge write-in ballot from Louisiana, Reggie Bush not elected as
a saint.
Mark
Nagi profiles our very own Clay for Knoxville's WATE TV. Per Clay,
"I might be the ugliest dude to ever be profiled on local news.
And that's truly saying something."
If
we told you Stephen Jackson was firing a gun outside a stripclub
would you be surprised? Didn't think so...
T.O.
nearly overdoses one week, announces he is writing a children's
book the next week.
Take
her easy SEC fans.... it's just a football game.... a football VIDEO
game
JT's
mancrush is now a friend of Myspace Maniquette. I dare anyone to
talk shit though.
Per
JT - Some people think this teacher should be reprimanded, I say
this is exactly the kind of forward thinking we need in our elementary
school systems [Per Shaw, this is my hometown newspaper].
President
Bush goes to Tampa Bay practice to play catch with Chris Simms and
give him some advice about playing QB. Wait..... what??
Maybe this
buffalo can pass for more than 100 yards in a game.
Sadly,
this is the most exciting thing going on in Nashville at the moment.
New
headline should be, "Teacher Soon to Have Longest Beard in the History
of Man"
Wow.
Never saw this one coming.
For the 9,000th time DON'T EAT RAW CRAB! As a rule, all types of
crabs should be avoided.
This
is exactly what is wrong with America.
As
if frustrated wives didn't already have enough problems...
Per
DJ: I guess they REALLY wanted their one phone call
A
preview of the top NFL rookies this year.
For
you overseas NFL fans, Jesus hath returned...
Detroit
Lions assistant coach suspended for driving nude and suspicion of
dru´nk driving...all in two weeks. It's been a great
preseason for the Lions.
OK
Paris, what ever...It's like a junkie saying, "This is my last
fix. I swear".
Check
out how your favorite NFL team is doing see if they have any chance
of making the Super Bowl
Per
MSN, check out the top 10 movie twist endings. Of course for the
Hippos the answer is always the aptly titled "The Crying Game"....
DJ:
I wonder which one was using testosterone?
The
DeadlyHippos reunion party quickly redirects from Vegas to Dublin....
Next
on her agenda: Osama and the killers of Biggie and TuPac...
The
greatest sporting event that you have never heard of.... Seriously,
bowling and darts get national TV deals and this isn't on TV?
Resident
Hippo Clay Travis gasps in fear for his precious feet, and to the
fact that flip-flops are officially womens apparel.
This
is weird. Hilariously painful, but weird. How unaware do you have
to be to not be aware of this situation?
As
if millions of unibrow sufferers didn't have enough shame already....
I
guess losing the Imaginary Ping Pong Tourney a few years back pushed
Vladimir Putin over the edge. He can always become a Catholic priest
now....
Smarter
than your average bear. But if he was a hippo he would have driven
away. That's why hippos rule...
Harvard
is supposed to attract the best and the brightest, not Lawrence
Phillips wannabes....
Pat
Robertson stops just short of calling out Clay on these articles:
[one] [two]
[three]
Take
this sports quiz and see how much more ESPN you need to watch.
If
we were in England, the phrase "drunken bird" wouldn't
be so strange.
Wow.
A 10 year boner.
If
the burger was served by a topless waitress, then it would be worth
it.
If
we ever see you drinking these, we will slap you with our Maniquette
book.
This
must have been one hell of a strong beer.
Not
only is this person the stupidest person in the world, they got
away with it.
God
Bless America...and to a far greater extent those juggs....
And
God Bless Brazil too while we're at it....
Nashville
is blowing up
DJ:
"The dumbest name I have ever heard..."
AND
on a related note....
Clay:
This has to be the most ridiculous claim I have ever seen
Maniquette
has now entered Wikipedia.
A little
part of Morgan Freeman just died…
It
seems the words "Texas RB" and "Marijuana" seem
to be one and the same now a days.
The
DeadlyHippos don't want you to die so read this article, but not
if you cheer for Duke. Proceed with ignorance.
See
if you remember anything from high school with this quiz.
In
time for the playoffs, the 10 greatest NBA playoff upsets...
Can
Matt Leinart's life get any better?
Want
to get away?
It's
been a rough summer for 98 Degrees. But they sucked so who cares.
Hippo
eats... dwarf.
Click here
so some guy can get a threesome, immediately!
Their
cups runneth over in China....
The
new president of Mexico...Ron Jeremy! Vice President Lexington Steele
also on the ballot...
The
last sentence is pretty much not even needed...
Is
there such thing as a bad nude scene? Apparently there are 10 of
them.
Get
your free games on, and kill some time at work.
Courtesy
of the DH staff and MSN, here are some cool ass bars to go to...
if you live in these 19 cities. If not, there is always Pabst and
"My Name is Earl" reruns....
Per
DJ: I will NEVER play in Australia. Per JT: Nor will I visit him
if he does.
Hotel
pool bars are the new thing. At last count, the DH posse has frequented
four...and counting....
Read
about some of the strangest stories and see the strangest videos
from last week. This will definitely kill some time at work...
Get
your learn on again with this sports quiz from last week. DH staffers
DJ and JT both got perfect scores...
Are
you ready for endless nightmares? Brace yourself.
Beards
are sexy now according to the New York Times. Clay's four-year old
beard accepts all the credit. Clearly, Shaw's brief stint with
a beard did not contribute.
Whoever
modified the wikipedia entry for "shocker" to include
a reference to Clay's column...his parents have never been prouder.
Per
DJ: This is no laughing matter...
See
what you know about the college majors of some celebrities. Good
thing they put those to use, huh?
If you
go to a bar in Texas, don't get too drunk or you may get arrested--
in the bar. Read the moronic reasons why.
Shaw's
future novel. Wait, it already exists? Crap.
I'm
guessing this Jeep commercial will never air on television. Which
is a shame, because every man in America would buy one.
Deadlyhippos
rule: when in Africa do not climb into a tiny canoe and subsequently
get eaten by a crocodile. Washington aids doctor killed in Botswana
where 40% of people have HIV. Potential deadlyhippos new rule: Never
go to Botswana.
Raja,
the Jambo circus hippo is finally rid of his toothache
If this
isn't the definition of irony, I don't know what is. But please,
feel free to insert your own "Bad Luck" joke here...
Woman in
Norway turns on her faucet and beer pours out. The five remaining
unmarried Hippos, quickly work on their wedding proposals and flight
arrangements.
It's
never too early to get ready for college football. Check out the
top games for next season, as well as how your team's spring forecast.
Apparently
the Vols are too good for coke...Only crack will do...
MC Hammer
becomes the first shirtless man to be wearing suspenders and have
a blog.
Runaway
doll bobbleheads go fast...create further evidence that America
is, in fact, Great Satan.
Barry
Bonds dresses in drag. Yes, you just read that correctly.
Conan
O'Brian meets President of Finland; several miles away DJ shakes
a fist in jealousy
International
relations as explained by the cast of The OC; millions of furious
Iraqis take the streets to protest comparison to Marissa Cooper.
Carmen
Electra and Victoria Silvstedt kiss on TV. If only this had happened
in 1996 it would have sent shockwaves through the male high school
population.
AOL
IM has conveniently produced a list of all acronyms that men should
be soundly beaten if caught using....
Nick
Lachey wants half. Clay seen slowly shaking his head wondering "how
did it came to this..."
I
wish I went to Texas, and not because of the potential for double
NCAA-championships, but because of THIS.
Play
this tennis game for two hours, and your brain might wrench itself
out of your body in a last-ditch effort for freedom.
Another
game, recommended by DH friend Jason.
Deadlyhippos
Beard Theory cited in the Seattle Post-Intelligerncer... too bad
Plummer choked.
Take
this quiz to see what the hell you learned last week. We all failed....
For
those of you not living in Las Vegas, now prostitutes are only a
click away. Who would have thought, the Internet can be used for
sex related subjects!
I
dont know who this guy is or whether this site is a joke, but please,
please read... the name says it all: Kevin's Muscles
Sing
along with R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet at a movie
theatre in Austin, TX!
Marcus
Vick arrested for pointing a gun at three teens in a McDonalds.
Once again proving that a McRib Sandwich craving can drive any man
insane.
DH
prayers are answered: BATG is back....
British
woman marries a dolphin in Israel. No word on how quickly Jesus
will smite her. In a related story; SHAW has no plans on marrying
the baby Hippo who was adopted by the turtle.
Rapper
Obie Trice shot in the head on a Detroit freeway... He then drives
his car to the suburbs and flags down a police officer. He is a
total pussy.
Eva
Longoria and Tony Parker in a tiff with Mexican bike cop in San
Antonio. Couldn't this situation have just been resolved by Eva
Longoria agreeing to flash the cop? I mean seriously.
Nip/Tuck
protectionism? "A rule that women applying for government jobs
in central Hunan province had to show they had symmetrically shaped
breasts sparked a public uproar last year and calls for stronger
legal protection against job discrimination."
Man
with longest ear hair joins Guiness book (pictured link). However,
Clay's nipple hair record remains undefeated.
Hippo
and Tortoise... well, they just look cute together!
Light
beer creator dies. Credited with increasing alcohol consumption
of women...and coincidentally also responsible for approximately
32% of all pregnancies.
So
remember the song, Jesus Loves Me....actually it should have been
Yeshua Loves Me. This is because the name Jesus derives from a mistranslation
of Aramaic of the original Greek or something like this. Regardless,
use this one on the Christian door-knockers next time they find
your house. Either that or tell them you love men.
Penguin
stolen from zoo. Morgan Freeman unavailable for comment.
Clay,
for one, applauds Alyssa Milano for visiting our troops in Iraq...and
especially for not wearing a bra...and showing her nipple.
Hippos
only kill one Zimbabwean in 2005. They vow to step up their
offseason workouts.
Sucks
for Daunte Culpeper that he gets charged with a misdeameanor for
having a lap dance and touching the dancer's ass.
Colorado
football player suspended over racist email. Note to staff, do not
write emails to Hispanic people you don't know calling them a "river
rat," "a border hopper," and "a bean eating
piece of shit." How out of control is Colorado's athletic department,
rumor has it they want former athletes, JT and DJ to take over as
co-AD's.
Hot-air
ballooning + strippers = lots of floating dollars.
New
Superman Brandon Routh's bulge in costume too distracting, to be
airbrushed out. In other news, Brandon Routh pays author of this
article a discreet 100 pounds.
Shotgun
duel between brothers ends in dual miss dual arrest. NYPD expresses
interest in recruiting both. Said a NYPD spokesperson, "Only
missing once is pretty good for our department." LAPD declined
comment, "We're only interested if they can hit innocent minorities,"
their spokesperson said.
Erotic
bible calendar on sale. "It's just wonderful when teenagers
commit themselves with their hair and their skin to the bible,"
the priest said. Prediction? This priest will be arrested for inappropriate
sexual contact within the next year.
English
town sets new record for number of Santas running while yo-yoing
at 4600. Old record of 3 crushed.
Seventy-year
old grandmother steals baby Jesus from nativity scene. This sounds
like a horrible plot for Old School 2.
Man
has twelve satellite dishes on his front porch and picks up 5,000
stations. He's also the Confucious of West Virginia, quote:
"Up in the sky, there's lots of free stuff," he said.
You
know how they say the pride goeth before the fall? Uh, I think 50
cent may be about to fall. "50 Cent is planning to create a
vibrator of his manhood - so his female fans can pretend to have
sex with him."
Male
lion holds record for most sex in a day by a mammal, 86 times
in one day. In deadlyhippos terms this is about 86 more
times in one day than Shaw and KWo combined.
John
Chaney takes the microphone and lectures Temple fans over throwing
objects on the court: "Always remember, stupid is forever.
You can't change stupidity. So if somebody's sitting next to you,
make them recognize that we do not allow that here at Temple."
Immediately thereafter, he substitutes a player to injure an opposing
player on purpose. When queried an irate Chaney said, "Pots
and kettles are not both black."
Officers
agree not to arrest woman if she will allow them to shoot her with
a pellet gun. Gleeful officers fire twenty-five shots.
Naked
Antonio Banderas chases away intruders with sword. Women everywhere
inquire, is he still with that old chick?
Borat
responds to threat of Kazakh government to sue him: "Since
2003 ... Kazakhstan is as civilised as any other country in the
world, Women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer
have to wear blue hat and age of consent has been raised to eight
years old."
Take this
sports quiz to see where you stand. We here at DH try to edjumacate
as well as entertain.
Some
guys just don't know when to quit while they're ahead.
Even
though we offered to work "pro bono", sadly, all 7 DeadlyHippos
were turned down....
"Dude,
you're supposed to say 'Who's there?..." (pic)
Note
this Jeff Fisher story, but this website has so much funny sports
stuff, It's just spectacular.
Women
with large breasts have higher IQ's. In other news, Hooters to offer
PHD's.
The
greatest Lindsay Lohan story ever. Do us all a favor and read this.
50
cent to start line of books in mistaken belief that his fans can
read. In a related story, JT willing to stand in line for thirty-six
straight hours to see the premiere of Get Rich or Die Tryin'. Ending
the suspense he informs us that 50 got rich.
How
could you not love Colorado......? Per JT - "I can't
believe they are putting Mrs. Johnson in jail. She will be
missed."
Pay
a homeless guy $100 to douse himself in soda.... check.
Have a Greek billionaire wreck your Bentley into a parked delivery
truck.... check.
Hang out with Talon from "Laguna Beach".... check.
A night out with Paris Hilton.... Priceless
Jesse
Jackson and Ralph Nader call for a rescision of Terrell Owens' suspension.
Both own Owens on their fantasy teams.
Yesh Comesh...The
truth hurts.
Isn't
technology grand? The DH board room will have one of these....
DJ
and JT frantically lobby for Irish citizenship and make fake ID's
to be 85.
Man
breaks into home of "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis
and tries to kidnap him. Key witness for prosecution.... Paris
Hilton.
Anthrax
kills Ugandan hippos. President Bush calls for Operation Enduring
Hippo.
Cruiseliner
attacked by pirates off the coast of Somalia, which begs the questions:
1.) Who knew that there were Pirates outside of the Carribean
2.) What kind of luxury cruise includes a trip to Somalia?
Like
father like son. And once again DJ and Clay beam with Tennessee
pride.
"Cat"
fight: Panther cheerleaders engaged in "sexual activity"
in bathroom stall leads to fight with Tampa woman waiting to releave
herself.
No
word yet on if Mike Vick reported them missing....or if he even
knew he had them.
Tecmo
Bowl fans weep the disappointed weep of betrayal. DJ and Clay may
never be the same.
Man
in Denver superglued to toilet seat at Home Depot. JT's whereabouts
unkown.
50
Cent disagrees with Kanye West about George Bush not liking black
people. Seriously, did you ever believe this article would be written?
Harry
Potter's "flying" car stolen. 100 points from Gryffindor.
The
most in-depth analysis of sarcasm ever.
Canadian
football fan makes 50 yard field goal to win a million dollars.
Scott Norwood silently weeps. Clay
and Shaw's George Washington University is the second most expensive
school in America. This makes all the typos in our articles really
grating to our parents.
Beavers
to make their return in England after 500 year absence. Insert your
own double entendre here.
For
our DH faithful, here's something to do after work today, no matter
where you live (except for DJ, who is in Europe).
Per
DJ: So Many Stereotypes, So Little Time...
This
man definitely needs help. But first some pants. Then some Preparation-H.
True
or False-
Former Secretary State Madeleine Albright to guest-star on Gilmore
Girls. True.
The episode will deal with the prevalence of long range ballistic
missiles. Probably false.
Katrina
evacuees in Massachusetts spend their federal relief money on alcohol
and strippers. The rest they just wasted. Best line: "Some
emerged and openly swilled from brown-bagged containers, while others
poured booze into jugs or plastic cups and casually sipped drinks
at the Wal-Mart bus stop."
NBA
to insitute new dress code for players. Per DJ: My money is on Iverson
for the first fine. Or my brother.
Inmate
sues God for breach of contract. From the complaint: "God even
claimed and received from me various goods and prayers in exchange
for forgiveness and the promise that I would be rid of problems
and have a better life," he wrote in the suit. "But on
the contrary I was left in the Devil's hands."
Israeli
team beats Toronto Raptors in exhibition game. Canada's response?
"We have a basketball team, eh?"
"Interestingly,
we find that a one standard deviation increase in female solicitor
physical attractiveness is similar to that of the lottery incentive."
Basically the hotter a woman is the more money men give. The subsequent
hate this engenders in unattractive women was not, however, measured.
How
do you get over a 1-3 start? Minnesota Vikings players throw sex
party on two boats. Vikings immediately zoom to the top of the deadlyhippos
favorite teams.
Only
Clay knows why Eva Longoria had a doggy biscuit stuffed into the
side of her bikini. And he's not telling...until next week.
Joey
Potter, you're dead to me. Cruise and Holmes to have child. No word
on who the father is.
R.
Kelly's Trapped in a Closet final chapters to be released soon as
well as a making of DVD. Per JT: "Get on the waiting list now
Clay."
Do
you know Fernando Alonso? Neither do we, evidently he's a famous
race car driver...and also a publisher with the same name. "They
say things like 'I want to get to know you and you are a great driver,'
which is funny as I don't have a car," he told the newspaper.
"Marry
Your Baby Daddy Day" a rousing success. Unless, that is, you
were the neglected apostrophe.
Chain
smoking chimpanzee quits smoking after sixteen years. Fortunately
the chimp was photographed before he stopped.
Apparently
Clay's column where he analogized Lloyd Carr to a hot chick who
wouldn't play beer pong has struck home in Ann Arbor.
Puerto
Rico to build UFO landing strip.
Wet
t-shirt contests banned in Myrtle Beach. "Wet T-shirt and booty-shake
contests ... are a violation of city ordinances," Judge Stan
Cross said. Steve Spurrier reconsiders South Carolina coaching job.
Sometimes
the irony is unavoidable: Morehead State University professor spends
years studying the lives of strippers to write a book.
Biblically
correct tours confidently assert that Noah took baby dinosaurs on
the Ark. Also, organisms can't evolve from one thing into another.
"You might have a small change, like a tadpole to a frog, but
nothing more than that," Carter said.
Louisiana
senators request Hurricane Katrina relief package worth more than
inflation-adjusted cost of entire Louisiana Purchase.
Britney
Spears to receive $6 million for baby pictures, videos, and other
assorted claptrap associated with the birth of the America's new
favorite dumb rich kid. Fortunately Spears maintains her
dignity, "Absolutely no anal," she said.
Reindeer attacks
couple. Santa likely to suspend him for Christmas season.
Ice-T
is to produce David Hasselhoff's first hip-hop album. Ice-T added:
"He's gonna come out as Hassle The Hoff - I promise you. The
Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humour."
Mother
and son arrested after a brawl following a dance contest...I thought
Michael Jackson taught us that we are supposed to dance after the
brawl.
What
an oblivious sad college girl.
Seems
like this photographer had to perch precariously to take this photo...
worth it?
I
hope this girl's mom reads Deadly Hippos and sees this link.
Man
balances 439 eggs on their ends to break the world record of 430.
"When you did it everyone usually gave you that amazed look,
like wooh, what'd you do with that egg. Everyone knows what eggs
are but they don't think about balancing them."
Seven
year old boy goes for joyride on scooter. Found five miles away
riding a sheep.
Hippos
can be purchased for $50 in Africa. Or for American male teenagers
1 Xbox 360 = 6 hippos.
College
girls would rather sleep with Angelina Jolie than Brad Pitt. Yes,
there is a god.
Kanye
West on white people using black slang: "I think white people
are allowed to say 'bling'. They are allowed to say old-school black
slang, like 'hottie' and 'homie'.
"Actually, I do not think that (white people) are allowed to
use slang until it is at least a year old. If you say a slang word
too early, it's like you're trying to be black. So as long as the
slang is a little played out, you're all good."
Clay
suggests we need a racial word draft.
Nude
beach? Deadlyhippos staff loves these so long as the girls look
like these. (NSFW)
Strip
poker. NSFW
Even
the animals in Mexico follow the stereotype.
Apparently
"J.K." stands for Juicy Kilamanjaro's....Hottest nerd
ever....
It
is not THAT boring in Wyoming. Sure they can find something to do
besides each other...
So
there is hope for the Bush family and CSU alums.....
The
only things to come out of Germany and Boston, ever....
Kanye
West officially surpassed for craziest hurricane theory
You
know how you and your buddies sit around the bar and debate how
the NFL betting line gets set? Well, the answer is pretty simple,
Bob Succi does it.
Just
don't let Apollo Creed beat you in a race.... Or wear those short
shorts....
Officially
the world's biggest drunk. Guess what country he's from?
As
Per DJ: "I thought Shoeless Joe Jackson was tough"...He's
such an asshole...
Women
featured on billboard in Kentucky to remove an article of clothing
for every football game Kentucky Wildcats win. Per Clay: "She's
likely to remain clothed."
Boy
wakes in bed with Python biting his arm. Will never sleep again.
Grandmother
in England begins campaign to end popularity of hooded shirts and
baseball caps. Too smart grandmother says: ''Once older people like
us get hold of [these garments], they lose all their street cred.''
Not
safe for work....but the hottest webshots albums ever.
Really,
really disturbing article. It made DJ cringe. Is this safe sex?
Can you use it in jail?
Who
says that white men can't jump? With Todd Marinovich's dad's training
program, you can get an 8 foot vert just like this short white guy.....
Ninja
robs New Jersey home. Storm Shadow early suspect; being pursued
by Snake Eyes.
Michigan
premed students beaten to bloody pulp during post-MCAT celebration
after taunting a passerby wearing a Michigan State sweatshirt.
Most
unnecesssary use of gun ever? Man forced at gunpoint to have sex
with three women between the ages of 20-30.
Steelers
angered over disrespect shown their quaterback Ben Roethlisberger
in Madden '06. (Clay angered over having to spell his last name).
Shoot
me once shame on you, shoot me twice shame on me.....
Once
again, DJ and Clay's cup runneth over with pride for our fellow
Nash-villains....
A
Nashville woman. Who chews. In public. And makes songs about it.
The sad thing is, you know it's true...
Lawrence
Phillips plays pickup football with teenagers...then tries to run
them over
You
know you're at a wuss bar when the bouncer gets beaten up by a kicker
Sadly,
Clay's first thought upon hearing that Bog Huggins was being forced
out was, I wonder what Nick Lachey thinks about this. Now we all
know. Clay's nonsexual crush on Nick Lachey remains flickering.
Bum-vertising
met with skepticism.
I'm
a huge football fan. and even I think this is too much. College
highlights of Titans draft picks for rent.
The
War on Terror is officially over. Homeland Security Secretary Chertoff
passes out diplomas to graduating dogs. "9/11 promoted the
canine teams to a new and more significant mission, which is to
protect us against acts of terrorism," Chertoff said.
Teddy
bears parachuting from church for charity.
Must
have been a bloody great video game. Man dies after 49 straight
hours of play. Or in deadlyhippos parlance, 65 successful trips
to Oregon.
Buffalo
Bills quarterback J.P. Losman will never forget his first meeting
with his boyhood idol, Brett Favre.
Harry
Potter books very popular among terrorists being held by U.S. in
Cuba. How long until interrogators threaten to flush Potter book
down the toilet as well? More importantly, would Muggles riot?
Girlfriend
beats man with his own prosthetic leg. KWo asks: "Why didn't
he just run away?"
Snoop
Dog and former Chrysler chief Lee Iacocca in a who can wear their
pants higher contest (with pictures). "Fo-shizzle," he
said, "Ica-zizzle." Honestly, can any more be said?
Cliff
Notes for R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet
Target's
new themesong advertising campaign for backpacks? "Baby got
back" Sir Mix A Lot unavailable for comment. Perhaps because
he can no longer show his face in public.
New
Jersey town bans outdoor beer pong: "Adopted last week, the
regulation takes its name from a drinking game in which players
bounce pingpong balls into cups of beer, with successful bounces
triggering rounds of drinking." Wait a minute, who are the
ninnies bouncing ping pong balls on the tables anyway or did a really
old dude get assigned this story?
Craziness
in St. Louis when homeowner repeatedly stabs would-be robber in
the street. Greatest sentence ever? "They had been tuckpointing
a house down the street when they saw the stabbing in progress."
What the hell is tuckpointing?
Best
treehouse ever constructed. Jack Barnhart is officially deadlyhippos
favorite grandfather (excepting Fidel Castro and James Brown of
course).
What
a frickin' joke.
Attach
a catheter to your penis so you can pee your pants at football games
and avoid ridicule.
Crazy
hippo lady. Please read this. Per DJ: "She's the biggest hippo
fan of them all."
Cop
from Village People arrested. In San Francisco...seriously.
Senator
John McCain suggests Vanderbilt law grad Fred Thompson to President
Bush as Supreme Court nominee. KWo, Tardio, Clay and the 27 shocked
at being overlooked. KWo on the spurning: "I'm truly hurt,"
he said, stifling back tears.
Tennessee
teen arrested for burning United States flag. DJ and Clay chock
full of pride. Parents offer eloquent defense. Says mother: "Bottom
line is, the kid got drunk." Says father: "This is where
the drinking came in. And he's not very good at it."
Somewhere
Bill Parcells is smiling; Icing a kicker in football games lowers
his changes of making kick by 10%. If you don't know what icing
a kicker is and you are male, please turn in your testicles.
Luke
Skywalker's lightsaber up for auction. Gay double entendres too
numerous to list ensue as Star Wars geeks go crazy.
A
sentence it never seemed possible to write: Russian president Vladimir
Putin accused of pocketing Patriots owner Bob Craft's Super Bowl
Ring. Perhaps Putin is attempting to make up for his loss to Castro
in the finale of the Imaginary Celebrity Ping Pong Tourney.
Smoothest
Prisoner ever? While being transported male inmate has sex with
female inmate in backseat of police car. Brags so much it becomes
a national story.
233
page report examines Roy Horn's attack by a tiger in an effort to
determine what might have caused the tiger to attack him. Terrorists
and animal rights activists are actually considered before being
ruled out as possibilities. Apparently, Clay's theory of "it's
a tiger damnit" not analyzed.
Slowly,
Al-Quaida is trying to get the DH posse....
In
an attempt to relate to other EU leaders, President Bush to wear
speedo in private
It's
not our DJ, we swear...
Two-headed
kitten dies for first time. Seventeen more to go.
Man
flies plane drunk for three hours, lands plane at 3:00 AM on darkened
runway, impresses arrested officers after blowing .15. "Authorities
were perplexed at Patricio's ability to land the plane on a small
taxiway without any lights while lost and allegedly drunk. "There
has been some internal talk about that accomplishment," said
Belfiore."
Southern
Baptists end eight-year boycott of Disney. Seven dwarfs engage in
group sex to celebrate.
African
grandfather kills attacking leopard by yanking out its tongue. Great-grandson
in America unimpressed, "My X-box never works right,"
he whined. Ok, we're not sure about the great-grandson.
NBA
high flyers mourn after Shawn "Dunkbait" Bradley announces
retirement. Says Tracy McGrady,"My condolences for ending his
career. He should have moved though." In related news, stock
in poster companies take a massive plummet.....
Marbles
players vie for national championship. Single fan very excited.
The
war on terror...HIV...missing hot white women...and now scientists
say there might be a global shortage of frogs? What kind of world
are we living in?
There
is now a birth control for men. I thought they outlawed prohibition?
Evidently
50 Cent's cousin is trying to become a rapper going by the name
"25." The best part is that he pronounces it "Two
Five," like the 27.
From
Shaw's neck of the woods: High school cafeteria overcrowded? How
about lunch at 9:36 AM. On a side note, DJ and Clay once had lunch
at 10:36. This was the same time that DJ was dating a fat girl.
After
Clay's trip to Cincinnati, he is the only one not surprised about
this story. Man with twenty outstanding driving violations shoots
another man four times for driving too fast in his neighborhood.
Detroit
FreePress asks: Is Robert Horry "dissing" the city of
Detroit by grabbing his crotch in this photo? So far Big Shot Bob
offers no comment. Likely defense to consist of age old truism from
Eddie Murphy's Raw: "Black guys and Italian guys
are always grabbing their own crotch."
GW's
Mensah-Bonsu Will Not Enter NBA Draft; Clay pumps his fist in his
office.
Boulder,
Boston lead the nation in pot use/ deep thoughts. North Dakota has
the highest percentage of binge drinkers.
"The
further north you are, typically, the more alcohol is consumed,"
said Douglas Wright, a mathematical statistician with the federal
government who helped put the report together.
SEC
schools reacted with shock and outrage to Wright's sweeping generalization
and Northern bias. Stating through a spokesperson, "we
have a lot more drunks than we were given credit for."
Kitten
born with two faces (picture in link) raising two immediate questions,
does it have eighteen lives? Can the apocalypse be far away?
Billy
Bob Thornton forgets he was once luckiest man alive, compares having
sex with Angelina Jolie to screwing a couch. An angered Clay reconsiders
his previous pronouncement of "Billy Bob Thornton is the most
talented writer/actor in Hollywood."
Craziest
and coolest CEO ever. Perhaps the only BusinessWeek article written
this year that deadlyhippos staff has read.
Everyone
who owns a telephone still pays a temporary tax designed to fund
the Spanish-American War of 1898.
Deadlyhippos
considers sponsoring adult spelling bee. The 27 is early favorite
because Indian spellers are like Kenyan marathoners.
Detroit zoo
renames wolverines which had been given the nicknames Sparty
and Bucky. In the immortal words of the zoo spokeswoman, "We
got some e-mail and phone calls from zoo visitors and the general
public who were deeply offended by the names," zoo spokeswoman
Rana Kozouz told the Detroit Free Press on Tuesday. "So we
changed the names to Tamarack and Tilia, the names of Michigan trees." How
do you get a job like zoo spokeswoman and how much can the zoo possibly
have to say that they need a spokesperson?
'Runaway
Bride' Sells Soul for TV Movie
Tom
Cruise to wed Joey Potter. Where is Pacey when you need him?
300
pound naked man sinks boat that was sent to rescue him from
reservoir.
Debate
still rages on breast feeding in public. Deadlyhippos staff nonplussed,
we supports breasts everywhere. Among the hangups? Overly expansive
thinking - Rep. Bill Seitz, R-Green Township - expressed concerns
over suits from shoppers slipping on spilled breast milk. Immediately
after making this statement, Rep. Seitz announced that he would
never consider running for any higher office for the remainder of
his political career.
Nashville
Disc jockey sues Kid Rock for $575,000
We
can finally make a link between Colorado and St. Thomas. And
people wonder why the Rockies are the worst franchise in baseball....
Man
accused of kicking blind dog to death. Per Clay, "At least
the dog never saw it coming." Both Clay and the man are going
to hell.
Marines
are so hot blog. Just awesome.
Indiana
town attempts largest waterballoon fight ever. Shaw: "This
is the only thing in Indiana worth visiting the state for."
Man
passes himself off as 15 year old schoolboy. Discovered when Michael
Jackson wouldn't share a bed with him.
Tardio
spends night drinking at Tin Roof in Nashville, bumps into Russell
Crowe and Jim Kelley. Yes, the Jim Kelley who was formerly quarterbacking
the Buffalo Bills. Tardio reports Crowe wanted to take the stage
but was disallowed. Column forthcoming, but here's the link.
In
a related Russell Crowe story: Celebrities and their hotel room
antics.
Deadlyhippos
intervention efforts fail; Katie Holmes to become Scientologist.
Shaw and Clay angrily rip down their Dawson's Creek posters.
Green
Bay Packers play dodgeball. No word on whether Bret Favre killed
anyone or choked and everything he threw got picked.
Article
about Indian spelling bee participants
Men
who don't want to look like this European guy.
Gestapo
in Montgomery County, MD
Urkel
talks about Manu Ginobli looking like Balki.
Twenty-year
old female babysitter named Charity forces eleven-year old to perform
sex acts on her. Babysitter charged with crime. In related news,
eleven year old is voted coolest fifth grader ever.
White
guy vs. black guy drinking contest with pictures and timeline.
Man
arrives at court hearing and blows .23. He was appearing for previous
drunk driving charge. "He clearly was appreciably impaired,
although he did not appear to be what I would call falling-down
drunk," Dornfried added. Lawyer does not explain what other
people would call falling-down drunk.
Lindsay
Lohan's breasts digitally reduced because they were considered too
large and inappropriate for a family film. Deadlyhippos staff shares
your tears.
City
truck charged with inspecting sink hole falls into sink hole.
Russian
city invaded by squirrels. They're actually breaking into houses.
I for one will welcome our squirrel leaders.
"Reverse
psychology is one of the most powerful tools in a single man's arsenal
and it's been helping savvy bachelors to achieve sexual conquests
ever since it was introduced to the general public in the 1950s."
See how.
Clay:
I might officially be back in love with Nick Lachey.
Free
Katie Holmes!
Wrestlers
Help Churchgoers Grapple With Faith
Student
at UCONN pursues Natalie Portman. We're not sure whether this guy
is hilarious or scary.
57
year old goes to prom...scores later that night. Calls it awesomest
night ever.
Greatest
sentence ever written?: "An Alberta man on a Bible retreat
successfully used his Brazilian martial arts training on the weekend
to fend off a charging grizzly."
Learn
how to dance like a white guy!
Lawyer
doubles as porn star (and NO, Clay, they don't need another one...)
Bobby
Brown's Entourage Involved in Stabbing
How
about an alarm clock that actually runs away from you when you try
to turn it off? Christmas 2005... perhaps the real story is how
hot its inventor, Gauri Nanda, appears to be.
Mother
extinguishes amputee set on fire with her own breast milk. Honestly.
Wal-Mart
opens store geared to the Amish, features include 37 hitching posts
for horse drawn carriages, blocks of ice rather than crushed ice,
and lots of bowling balls. Ok, not really bowling balls.
Most
"whipped" yearbook superlative causes controversy. Probably
because whipped student was black, his girlfriend was white and
he was pictured with a leash around his neck.
Guy
writes law review article on Gilligan's Island. Tardio contemplates
embracing gay marriage: "In retrospect, it is not surprising
to discover a strong connection between Gilligan's Island and the
law. After all, one would be hard pressed to find a group of characters
more in need of a lawyer."
Post
ping-pong loss, Mr. Ed announces he is moving to Sweden after study
announces 161 acts of bestiality with horses reported there in the
last four years.
Man attempts suicide by twice jumping off bridge and surviving.
Police arrive and shoot him after second failed attempt.
Mr.
Ed jealous as world's largest horse continues to astound viewers
on his tour.
Deadlyhippos
begins recruitment of Paul Shirley as columnist: we offer limited
readership and no money
Hippo
with "voracious sexual appetite" put on the pill
to avoid becoming pregnant for the 21st time
Christian
cheerleading camps actually exist. When her squad placed eighth
at a recent competition, but won CCA's Spirit of Competition Award
for good sportsmanship, Coach Howell remembers telling her girls,
"That's the only trophy you'll take into heaven with you."
Woman
survives driving car off road, striking a tree, plunging
thirty feet and landing her car on a train track only
to be struck by train. She survives. Vin Diesel contemplates
buying rights to the story and playing the woman.
Man
drives car powered by wood burning engine. KWo announces he will
never visit al.com ("Everything Alabama") again.
Man
killed for "offensive" seven year old joke. Deadlyhippos
staff never meant to make you cry.
Man
places polaroid photos of his gentials on women's windshield. Perhaps
has cockiest mugshot ever.
Abstinence
only. Just visit. Particularly helpful is the ask Dr. Frist section
Natasha
Lyonne threatens to sexually molest neighbor's dog. Dog can't believe
his good luck. Everyone else thinks who is Natasha Lyonne.
The
color pink continues its rise to prominence. This time with inmates
forced to wear pink boxers and pink flip-flops.
Indians
marry tree. 27 declines comment.
Remember Save
Toby? Well how about Kill
Toby?
It
had to happen, the real Ron Mexico has now stood up. Also NFL bans
purchase of Atlanta Falcons #7 Ron Mexico jerseys.
www.ronmexico.com:
see for yourself
Rapper
C-Murder changing his name after being accused of murder: "I
am not a murderer," he says.
How
many five year old would it take to disarm you?
Also
whowantstosexmutombo.com is now taken. And even funnier.
A
tame hippo is found
A
man with his own website and three favorite prime numbers.
Stacey
Augman fined for throwing lotion...KWo says it's because he has
a girl's name
Girl rides mule to school
Man
with Tipsy personalized tags arrested for drunken driving
The ZOOperstars!
Wedgie
added to new dictionary
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