Which Action Star Do You Want Running Your Team's Two-Minute Drill? 08/09/07 by JT
The Bourne Ultimatum opened this weekend at #1
in the box office. Jason Bourne has proven to be one of the most
badass action heroes in movie history. Personally, everytime I think
of Matt Damon, I think of his puppet in the movie Team America...
"Matt Daaamon," but to quote David from 40 Year Old
Virgin "Y'know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like
a Streisand, but he's rocking the shit in this one!"
It's been a big summer for action movies. We've
got the 3rd Bourne movie, Transformers, Spiderman 3,
and of course, Live Free or Die Hard, which was one of
the most aggressively advertised flicks in years (it was then topped
by the new Sandler flick a mere few weeks later). Not only were
there the trailers, but Bruce Willis was whoring himself around
the nation to promote that bad boy, culminating in him being mistaken
for Scott Van Pelt by Antonio Gates on an ESPN commercial.
These movies got me thinking about all the great
action stars. How they always know what to do, how they never get
rattled no matter what chaos is going on around them, how they always
end up winning in the end against all odds. Then I thought, I sure
wish my team's quarterback could be more like an action movie star.
But then I thought, why can't my quarterback be
an action movie star? Honest answer? No reason. Not one at all.
So I came up with a list of action movie stars that I would want
running my team's 2 minute drill.
John McClain
I mean obviously John McClain. He took down the
terrorists at the Nakatomi Towers, the ones at the airport in the
second movie, and then the other eastern European fellas in the
third installment in NYC. Now he is obviously taking more terrorists
out of their master plans, since the new movie hits theaters this
week. Now just transfer that kind of unrattled cool under the most
difficult circumstances onto the gridiron. I'm being serious, can
you imagine Peyton Manning running over a floor of broken glass,
then still throwing the winning TD pass to Marvin Harrison with
his feet all cut up like that? Neither can I. That's why you want
John McClain to be your team's QB with the clock ticking down. Then
he can say that yippee-kay-yea line at the end of the game after
you win. That would be awesome!
Rambo
Take your choice as to which movie you want to
reference, but I'm taking First Blood Part II. You know, the one
where he went to Vietnam to rescue all those POW's. He was relentless,
fearless, and bloodthirsty. He spent a good thirty minutes in the
movie destroying the opposition with nothing but a bow and arrow
and some dynamite tips. He went one against several thousand, killed
them all, rescued the POW's, and then put that Murdock a-hole in
his place. All great characteristics for last minute QB's.
Jack Bauer
There is nothing he wouldn't do to get a W. He
would torture his opponent, shoot his own teammate, even fake his
own death, anything to get his team down the field and into field
goal range. Only Bauer wouldn't wait to see if his kicker would
make the 43 yarder... he'd take it himself. In fact, he'd snap the
ball, hold it, then kick it through the uprights, and operate the
net behind the goalposts to make sure the ball didn't hit any civilians.
He'd do all of this while never raising his voice higher than a
menacing whisper. Try that Tom Brady!
The Undercover Brother
Not only would the Undercover Brother be able
to successfully navigate a two minute drill to lead your team to
victory, he'd do it all with no pads or helmet. He wouldn't want
to mess up his 'fro for the ladies. In addition he'd be wearing
some platform shoes, a purple leather suit, and have an orange big
gulp in his hand the entire time. Plus he'd make some racially controversial
jokes like "white people like mayonnaise, black people like
hot sauce!" to really stick it to "The Man". That's
a victory for everyone!
Jason Bourne
You can literally drop Jason Bourne into any situation, anywhere
in the world, and he will figure out how to get out of it, take
down the bad guys, and possibly kill a proffessional hitman with
a pencil or something. You've got to assume that these abilities
will carry over to the football field. He can play with violent
head injuries and memory loss, so concussions won't be a problem
for Bourne. He's got great instincts. He might say something in
the huddle like:
"How can I know that in a pro right x-zoom
999 H-fly set that the tailback will be open deep on the left side
of the field, and that if the outside linebacker leans on his left
foot that he's blitzing and I should audible into a quick out to
the tightend... how can I know all that... and not even know who
I am??"
Arnold
There are so many Arnold characters to choose
from. There's the quick witted, virtually indestructible Arnold
from The Running Man. There's the robotic, quick witted,
virtually indestructible Arnold from Terminator 2. There's
the Russian, virtually indestructible Arnold from Red Heat.
There's the virtually indestructible Arnold on Mars in Total
Recall. But if I have to choose just one Arnold character to
lead my team to victory with two minutes left, no timeouts, and
all odds against us, I'm going with Arnold in Predator.
I've professed my undying love for this movie in the past before,
so I won't go into it again, but Arnold in Predator combines
all the great Arnold characteristics. The witty one liners after
killing a foe, the unwavering nerve in pressure situations, the
ability to defeat Latrell Sprewell in hand to hand combat.... this
is a guy I want running my offense with the game on the line. He
also shows his intelligence in this flick when he tells the Colombian
girl to leave the weapon behind. "No spo-at", he says.
And you know what? He was right.
James Bond
The epitome of cool under pressure. If you combined
John Elway, Joe Montana, and Tom Brady into one single QB, and then
after that made him into a British Spy with a license to kill whomever
the fuck he wanted.... that would be James Bond. Needless to say,
that's a guy you want with the ball in his hands and the game in
the line. The only drawback is that he would most likely cause a
lot of fans to get nervous as he wastes precious last second time
hitting on the cheerleaders.
Sayid
Some might say that Jack is the better leader from the island on
"Lost". And maybe they're right, but did you see him throwing
those passes to the old guy when he was with The Others? That's
not going to get it done in the last minutes of an NFL game. Now
Sayid on the other had, this dude has it all to be a successful
pressure situation QB. He can read people (he knew that Ben was
lying all along) which means he can quickly read a defense, he's
shown that he will do whatever it takes to get what he wants (he
was a torturer), he's plenty tough (he survived a plane crash),
and he isn't easily distracted. He can get it done.
Maximus Decimus Meridiu
He's a general, he's a gladiator, he's a leader,
and in that one gladiator fight scene he killed like eight people
in less than 15 seconds, so he's efficient and knows how to operate
a clock. What more could you ask for from a quarterback? Just tell
him that the Oakland Raiders murdered his wife and son and watch
what he does to help your team beat them in the last minute.
The Bride
Some people will say that it's controversial to
have a woman at QB in the NFL.... and then the original black mamba
(sorry Kobe) will slice them in half with her Hattori Hanzo sword.
She is single minded and relentless when going after a goal. Granted
that mostly her goal has been to kill Bill, but if you can redirect
that towards helping your team win in the last two minutes, she'll
get the job done. And then she'll kill Bill later.
Denzel in Man on Fire
He'll play through injury and pain, he'll meticulously
go through his reads until he finds the man he wants, he'll sacrifice
himself for the greater good of the team if it means he can win.
He's well trained, he is dedicated to the team, his only drawback
is a problem with alcohol, but this only seems to fuel his fire.
He can go to another teams home turf and still get the victory.
Not only will he get the victory, but he'll completely abuse the
opposition by blowing off their hand or sticking a bomb in their
anus. Creasy is definitely a guy you want with the ball and the
game on the line.
Indiana Jones
Jones shows great poise and cool under pressure which is ideal
in a 2 minute drill. He shows a great ability to improvise when
things break down. He has also had a drink from the Holy Grail which
has left him unable to be harmed. This means you don't have to worry
about him being injured at a crucial moment. He has also defeated
the Nazi's, which means he won't be easily intimidated. His one
flaw is his irrational (and some say warranted) fear of snakes.
This will only be a problem if your opposing team has a name or
logo associated with snakes, or they actually bring a live snake
onto the field.
John Elway
I know what you're thinking, John Elway isn't an action star. I
don't care. If I'm picking who I want to run my team's last minute
drive with everything on the line, I'm picking the greatest there
ever was. I don't care if he's not a fictional character, no single
person has better provee the ability to snatch victory from the
jaws of defeat more often in their lives than John Elway. He's where
the list should start, but he's definitely where it ends.
So which action star would you pick to run your
team's 2 minute drill? Feel free to post your thoughts on our message
board, or hit us up on gmail.
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