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Game Diary: UT v. Notre Dame
11/09/05
by Clay

Every time I think about Notre Dame-Tennessee my mind hearkens back to the final years of the Andy Kelly dynasty at UT and the pass he threw to Carl Pickens that was intercepted in the midst of an improbable comeback in. This was also known as the game where the Rocket took off in Knoxville. I vividly remember one play where Rocket Ismail was returning a kick, completely vanished in a crowd, and then reemerged all alone. It was simply an amazing run. UT fell behind early and then scored late and got an onside kick after most of the fans had begun to file out of Neyland Stadium. In the end we lost but I gained my father’s approbation by refusing to leave before the game was over and have never left a game early since. This means I’ve seen lots of really bad losses.

  1. Junaid informs me that he has his lucky shirt on. We both agree that the rain in the forecast helps us as our offense has been so bad a tornado, hurricane, and tsunami all rolled into one would probably not hurt us.

Presumably this was not Junaid’s lucky shirt. If it was I hope he got a five-point deer.

  1. You know this is NBC when Terrell Owen’s suspension is the top news on the college football pregame show with Jimmy Roberts.
  2. Weatherholt calls from Kentucky-Auburn. Coach Brooks got two fifteen yard penalties in the midst of falling behind 28-10 in the first half. Weatherholt is officially the most optimistic football fan I have ever known and he is ready for Rich Brooks to be gone.

Don’t plead your case to me Rich, Weatherholt is the Walter Cronkite of the Kentucky football nation, if you’ve lost him you’ve lost the Wildcat Nation.

  1. We won the toss and elected to receive? That has to be an error. I’m not sure if I love the confidence or if this is like whistling while you are facing the firing range.
  2. Stop the presses, Ainge to Hannon for a first down on third and long.
  3. I absolutely love the way Arian Foster runs the football. Gain of 8 plus fifteen yard personal foul facemask.

  1. Ainge drops back to pass and fumbles on second and one. Then he guns it high out of bounds on third and five. It is just me or has every pass Erik Ainge thrown this season been high?
  2. My man Britton Colquitt remains on fire as he pins Notre Dame deep. Maybe my four years of bad punting eligibility isn’t necessary after all.
  3. Notre Dame passes three times in a row prior to hitting #83 Percy Bysse Shelley for the first down.

Shelley on his catches: “O’er the windswept dale and heath came the spherical ovoid which I clasped to my heart.”

  1. Tom Hammond says Shelley has “the hands of a surgeon only stronger.” What does this mean? Are surgeons known for having weak hands?

Weak hands per google. I’m sorry.

  1. Four of ND’s first five plays have been screens. Somehow we have yet to catch on.
  2. Percy Bysse Shelley has 11 TD’s this season. UT has 13.
  3. Touchdown on a perfect pass from Brady Quinn to the tight end Anthony Fasono on third and 12. 7-0 ND. We may lead college football in allowing touchdowns on third down.

Was it worse that Fasono scored a touchdown or that he did so while playing without his glasses.

  1. Announcers fellate Notre Dame, “They can score so many ways. Slow ball, big ball.” I think Hammond’s thinking, “I want to lick Brady Quinn’s balls.”
  2. I don’t even want to beat ND, I just want to beat these homer announcers. This suddenly has the feel of a very long game.
  3. Of course we fumble the kickoff when a stiff breeze rolls through South Bend.
  4. What a hit by Inky Johnson on Shelley. That might be the best hit of the year for UT. I think Shelley may need to take a trip to the ocean and gaze off into the mist for a few minutes.

Right now JT is slamming his pillow saying over and over again, “Why, why did I make fun of Inky Johnson.” Hopefully the Broncos will take him in the first round.

  1. Our season in a nutshell, with Brady Quinn rolling away we miss a chance to pick one off and score. On the next play Quinn throws deep on third and long and…of course the pass is caught by Maurice Stovall after a pushoff for a touchdown. 14-0 Notre Dame.

I’m not sure whether it’s worse being the guy who’s being fed or the guy doing the feeding. I’m also not sure which of these guys is Maurice Stovall.

  1. I’m starting to think about all the other less painful ways I could be spending Saturday afternoon. Junaid calls and concurs. For instance we could be raking leaves and riding big wheels into them like I used to do before I watched football on Saturdays.

10 to 1 odds that I could smoke this kid in a big wheel race.

  1. Did I tell you how much I love Arian Foster? A-large goes off right tackle for about forty yards. Yes, I know I just gave someone a nickname that would make Stuart Scott beam.

Do you think the subject of this graduation speech was, “From Boo-yah to Big Poppa my life as an annoying sportscaster.”

  1. Third down and goal. We absolutely have to get a touchdown here.
  2. My wife Lara chooses this moment to call with rental car options. Ainge is high again on his endzone throw.
  3. We are the best team in college football at answering touchdowns…with field goals. 14-3.
  4. Wilhoit hits his worst kickoff of the season. It skips about the forty-yard line.
  5. Brady Quinn and Charlie Weis have a meeting every Friday night just the two of them. But this is nothing compared to their pantless Sunday meetings.

Here’s Brady Quinn just before his shirtless Tuesday tight ends meeting.

  1. UT’s college commercial comes on. Is every college commercial made by the people at college who never left their dorm room? I’m surprised these commercials don’t just have a bunch of guys sitting around playing Dungeons and Dragons.
  2. Ainge misses Robert Meachem by six inches. But then hits him for 18 on the next play.
  3. Another touchdown missed by six inches to Meachem. The UT offense is redefining near miss this season.
  4. Great punt by my man Colquitt after snagging a bad snap. I hope he doesn’t start taking shots on the sideline.
  5. On a commercial some kid brings a bus to his friend’s house and won’t let his friend waste his life. For a moment I almost cry.
  6. Brady Quinn’s mom says he deserves the Heisman. Coincidentally my mom also thinks I deserve the Heisman despite not playing football.

This is not my mom, but they do share the same name. Probably this woman could be convinced I deserve the Heisman as well.

  1. Shelley makes a one-handed catch for a first down. This becomes the question, will a ball bounce our way this entire season?
  2. Brady Quinn has a spoonful of honey before every game. Can this guy get any cuter?
  3. Kevin Simon appears to be playing with a headband wrapped around his neck.

Pictured: Kevin Simon. Not pictured: headband around neck.

  1. Lucas Taylor fumbles his second kick of the day. Mercifully he recovers this one. I don’t think we should even have anyone return punts. Just start wherever the ball stops rolling. Seriously.
  2. The West Wing debate is live. Who wants to watch this? No one even watches actual Presidential debates. What if West Wing tried to take over the country via coup? Or convince people that it was time for another presidential election.

Coming this weekend, two people who are smarter than your President attempt to convince you that they should be your fake President.

  1. We can’t even execute a handoff as Foster falls. Loss of ten.
  2. We run the draw on third and 20. Inventive.
  3. Penalty. Twelve men on our punt team. Brilliant.
  4. I haven’t been more tempted to turn off a televised UT game in a long time. Touchdown Notre Dame on the punt return. But it was tough, I think one of our guys almost touched him as he ran directly down the middle of the field. 21-3. Some guy whose name begins Zb just scored on us.
  5. I think Marcel Proust said the greatest cruelty was indifference. My consolation? At least we are being soundly beaten in all phases of the game instead of just one.
  6. Junaid calls, “I can tell that punt sort of took the starch out of you,” he says.
  7. Ainge gets sacked. There is a 0% chance I am paying any money to watch this team play Memphis on pay-per-view.
  8. Get on the ball damnit that is a backwards pass and fumble. Finally a break. We absolutely have to score a touchdown here.
  9. Ainge is high again on an open pass to the endzone. Rebounds to throw a dart to inside the five for a first down.
  10. In case you are wondering inside the five is known as the fumble zone for the Vols.
  11. Evidently God makes admissions decisions for Notre Dame. At least that’s what the ND commercial suggested. Tagline “A higher education.” If I made this commercial it would have starred Method Man…or Randy Moss.

“Hell yeah, I owe it all to big ND.”

  1. Bret Smith the touchdown maker…Bret Smith the touchdown maker…Bret Smith the touchdown maker. I can’t tell you how good that felt to finally write. 21-10 Notre Dame. Let’s hope this is the start of an LSU-esque comeback.

I’ve missed you so Bret. Welcome back to the game diary.

  1. Also Knoxville sportscaster Mark Nagi has agreed to use this phrase on television. Assuming that is, that UT football is still being covered on the news.

My favorite member of the media not named Verne Lundquist.

  1. Brady Quinn finally sacked. Another good stop by UT defense.
  2. Weis had quite the unibrow as an undergrad.
  3.  Big stop on defense for the UT defense. Unfortunately the UT offense has to start from the 6.
  4. It’s beginning to rain. Is it just me or is the screen color on NBC really odd? It looks like this game was played ten years ago.
  5. Who are these animated real people commercials for Charles Schwab really convincing that Schwab should be trusted? Is Muriel Siebert going to make animated cartoons real people?

Now if Charles Schwab made commercials with starring actual cartoons like Orko from He-Man? I’m sold.

  1. Percy Bysse Shelley makes a catch out of bounds and is ruled in bounds. Replay works in our favor unlike against Florida.
  2. ND goes for it on 4th and 5. Hugely important play. Jason Hall sacks Quinn. I’m standing and yelling. God bless the heart of our defense.
  3. A-Large cuts back for 26. I absolutely love him.
  4. Field goal by Wilhoit. 21-13 UT. Was I the only fan begging for someone to run into our kicker?
  5. Our defense has come alive. Just stellar.
  6. Please fair catch the punt. Oh man, we almost fumbled again.
  7. Junaid, “Just one big play and the floodgates could open for our offense.”

If you see Junaid at the Memphis-UT game, offer him your shoulder to cry upon.

  1. Ainge has hit just 1 of his last 7. The good thing is I don’t feel like Ainge knows this. He seems calm. Ainge hits Bret Smith for a nice gain plus a personal foul for late hit.
  2. Standing and yelling again. Ainge with a huge gain to C.J. Fayton at the three.
  3. Touchdown Arian Foster. Review. Play stands. 21-19 ND.
  4. Bret Smith the two-point converter…Bret Smith the two-point converter…Bret Smith the two-point converter. 21-21

Pictured twice in one game? This is too good to be true.

  1. Only criticism…Ainge needs to work on his high-step celebration and awkward arm dance.

For instance Orko never overdoes the arm dance. Understated is the way to go.

  1. What a bust on defense. Percy Bysse Shelley gains 73 and is tackled at the two. It takes every bit of self control I have not to break something.
  2. Jason Mitchell decks Brady Quinn for a sack. Inexplicably the announcers praise Brady Quinn for not fumbling. Suddenly the world’s latest offsides call is made.
  3. Brady Quinn fumbles while scrambling for the goal but of course Notre Dame recovers. Third and goal.
  4. Percy Bysse Shelley scores on a nice play call. God damn that sucks you knew they couldn’t run it in on us. 28-21

Somewhere in here Shelley describes what the pain of 18th century football.

  1. Great catch by Jayson Swain to the 50.
  2. The yellow line fails. First down Vols without reaching the line.
  3. Cory Anderson drops a first down pass. Immediately after Erik Ainge throws an interception. Seriously has one guy missed chances for big plays more that have resulted in disaster?

Whatever you do, only throw to Cory Anderson when your team is winning by twenty. So basically...UT should only throw to him if they are playing a high school team.

  1. Defense stands…Notre Dame drills the field goal. 31-21. Our offense or special teams has given Notre Dame 17 of their 31 points.
  2. How in the world do you get a delay of game on the first play from scrimmage? Suddenly my television picture has changed and everything looks ten years more current. Unfortunately we are still losing.
  3. We lose twenty seconds in the process of throwing an incomplete pass.
  4. Ainge has forty-three minutes in the pocket before being sacked…grounding the football…and almost throwing the second worst interception in the history of college football.
  5. Another huge punt return where we barely touch Zb as he runs straight down the middle of the field.
  6. Field goal Notre Dame 34-21. What are the odds we could win 35-34? At least we still have three timeouts left.
  7. Why in the world does Ainge slide in bounds? You idiot. This is inexcusable.
  8. Interception. I’m saying it right now and I mean it with all my heart I flat out don’t trust any decision he makes under center and I don’t think his teammates do either.
  9. Zbikowski has never done anything other than run directly in a straight line every time he gets the ball yet we have not been able to tackle him all day. Touchdown Notre Dame 41-21.

“And then I was like, I wonder how long UT will let me run if I go in a completely straight line every time I get the football.”

  1. Brady Quinn for Heisman…fellate him for all you are worth NBC. Notre Dame has beaten exactly the same number of current top 25 teams we have this year…one.
  2. I don’t care what happens from here on out we’re 3-5 and this is officially the most disappointing season of UT football in my life as a fan. Thanks to our defense and John Chavis because otherwise we might not have won a game all season. This is incredibly disappointing.
  3. Maybe the game diary is the problem? Have I somehow ruined the UT football karma? These are the times that try a game diarist’s soul.

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