previous column	deadlyhippos home	next column

The First Annual Deadly Hippos Roast of Bill Simmons
11/26/07
by Stretch

We here at Deadly Hippos have traditionally shared a sort of begrudging respect for a certain Bill Simmons. We have generally found his columns to be anywhere from moderately amusing to mildly annoying. Regardless, the fact remains that Simmons has a nice amount of literary talent.

But that was then, and this is now.

Quite simply, Simmons has become virtually unreadable. As his New England-area teams have enjoyed a bizarre era of unparalleled success, Simmons has slowly morphed from a lovable George Costanza-like sufferer to a smug, preening, Newman-like sycophant of all things Boston. His columns and podcasts smack with an indulgent petulance that seeps through the computer screen and burns the eyes like a Pakistani’s fart.

Therefore we offer you a transcript of the yet-to-be-aired Deadly Hippos Bill Simmons Roast. Unlike other roasts, this one is not for charity. It’s not because we didn’t consider it—it’s because we didn’t care.

Stretch:

First off, Bill, let me thank you for coming. I know this year has been hard for you, what with the Red Sox winning the World Series, the Patriots undefeated start, and also the Celtics’ resurgence.

If there’s a word for you, Bill, it would have to be “courageous.”

Courageous is having Jimmy Kimmel on your podcast and you two spending fifty minutes sitting in each other’s laps talking about how great Jimmy Kimmel’s show is. I look forward to the Jay Leno appearance on your podcast, but, sadly, NBC doesn’t own ESPN. But hey, don’t get me wrong! Jimmy Kimmel really is great! Tune in tonight and catch guest David Paymer with special musical appearance by the Bacon Brothers!

Courageous is writing a 919,000-word opus on how your Patriots were conspired against in a game they ultimately won. Earth to Willy: The Patriots are cheaters, their coach is a philandering jackass, their quarterback is a cross between Billy Crudup and Shawn Kemp, and your 919,000 word opus nearly crashed the Ebays because it contained so much pretentious douchity.

Courageous is deflecting criticism in your mailbag columns by snarkily pointing out that your columns are free, therefore you are above criticism. Well, yes, if you were a bored college kid writing them for fun in your dorm room. But you GET PAID TO WRITE SPORTS COLUMNS. What magical universe do you inhabit that you’re not allowed to be critiqued at your own job?

Rodney Dangerfield:

Hey! Ho! How about this Simmons kid? You know he’s got a radio show now? It’s called the BS Report. With a title like that, hey! I thought that meant the whole show was about bull shit. Turns out I was right! Ho!

The Sports Guy! Hey now there’s a name! You know why I like it? It’s creative! Come on! What, was “Angry White Nerd” already taken? Ho!

Gary Busey:

William, you are a scribe. You alone have been given the sacred duty of speaking and telling truth. TRUTH—Trusting Reflexes Using The Heavens. That’s what your role is, kemosabe. Now your favorite team is the Celtics. What most people don’t realize is that I have been INFUSED with the reincarnated spirit of Larry Bird. I could literally score 50 points in an NBA game at this very moment. What’s that you say? Larry Bird is still alive? That’s not him you fool. That is the simian copy left behind by the Wugtag raiders that entered our dimension after the Breach of 1972. No, Larry Bird is very much dead. I exterminated the Wugtag raiders that stayed behind using my mind-sword. One day, when I find the secret vortex that Jesus wrote about in Revelations, I will cross into the seventh dimension and kidnap the Wugtag queen. I will bring her back into this world and make sweet, violent Busey love to Her Majesty underneath the crystal black Malibu skies at midnight. What? Jesus didn’t write Revelation, you say? John the Apostle did? Well let me tell you a little something about that….

The State of Montana:

Who’s Bill Simon? Seriously. Who?

Brian Fellows:

Dat white boy is CRAZY!

Bill Walton:

In the HISTORY of modern professional journalism no man has demonstrated the utter ineffectualness of you, Bill Simmons! The CARELESS way you throw your syllables around, the ILLUSTRIOUS overuse of breast references, all point to a BLATANT disregard of the reader’s eye.

I remember being in Berkeley in the summer of 1976. The great Wilford Francis had just produced the seminal jazz opera “T’edat, L’francais”, the summer orchids were in bloom, the Dead were literally setting the entire solar system on fire, and the great Ulysses Venice came to me one day and said “Bill, lose the beard, son. Lose the beard.”

But back to your writing, Bill Simmons. Your constant kow-towing to the New Jersey Patriots? UNBELIEVABLE. One thinks of the great sand dunes of the Argentine hamlet Bahia Manca, where the locals practice traditional Spanish joffras and prepare delicious javantas, or “Spanish won-tons”.

Bill, one brings to mind the utter fascism displayed by our current, pathetic leaders in Washington. TERRIFYING. Bill, please correct your verbal stylings before you begin to be confused with a certain DICK CHENEY. Yikes!

Hillary Clinton:

Mr. Simmons, I am warmed and enriched by the invitation here to honor you tonight. It was not until I arrived that my aides informed me that this was to be a “roast” type event, and in that light I must confess that I am not prepared to “roast” you.

What I will say is that sports are an integral part of this nation’s fabric. When I am elected president, I will vigorously work to defend this country’s sports interests from those that would seek to rob us of our most basic of rights. In the current spirit of political divisiveness, let me emphatically state here, before this gathering of my fellow Americans, that I am in favor of sports.

In fact, if there is anyone who is qualified to “roast” anyone, I would nominate the current administration, who has done nothing but “roast” the hopes and dreams of hard working middle class Americans. To that end, I say we need to end the radical roasting of the extreme right! Vote for progressive hope in 2008!

Dr. Tobias Funke:

Huzzah! This is ripe for parody! Well, the first time I read Bill, or, if I may, ‘Willy’, I said to myself: “Tobias! What kind of Willy has gotten into you?”

I would be interested in a collaboration of sorts. Perhaps I could combine my abilities as a psychoanalyst and therapist and you could contribute your literary powers. Then we could form the first Analrapist blog! I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve already checked for the web domain for such a thing, and after extensive research I must say that you would be surprised at what kinds of web sites already exist with that name. Therefore, onward and upward I say! Shall we meet to discuss the tangibles? At the gym, perhaps?

Spaghetti baby:

NOODLES SIMMONS BRADY POOPIE!

LOLcat:

I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER NOW PLZ THANKS SEMMONS UR WRITES HAS FLAVOR. IT IS HAIRBALL.

Marc Stein:

Committee o’ One refuses to bump Page 2 nifty colleague Simmons up the Power Rankings until he grows out of recent funk. With his NBA columns coming in at a tidy clip, his recent uptick is a positive sign. A hearty thanks to Cal State Fullerton alum Barton Finnelagun.

Kevin Garnett -

Look, I just came here to say one thing and then I'm going back home. Bill..... get off my dick man. Seriously, I'm going to get a restraining order if you don't back off.

Please everyone, don't laugh. This isn't a joke.

Bill sent me a picture two days ago and it was just two white dudes and a black dude having some kind of nasty gay orgy. He had glued me, Tom Brady, and Josh Beckett's faces on them, and he wrote on the bottom of the picture "I'm the one taking the photo..... ;-)"

Stop laughing it's not a joke.

And speaking of pictures, Bill, if I ever catch you outside my bathroom window again with your camera phone, I am going to beat the absolute dogshit out of you. I'm serious son, I will snatch your life!

Dammit people stop laughing! I am not kidding you, Bill Simmons is STALKING ME!!

Fuck this. I'm demanding a trade.

Larry Bird –

This is really embarrassing everyone. But…. Kevin Garnett just said exactly what I came up here to say to Bill. I’ve got nothing to add….

(Simmons yells something not caught by the microphones)

Seriously, enough is enough Bill, you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.

Robert Swift –

Bill, you are fucking awesome bro! Thanks for making the world more aware of me and my freakish amounts of tattoos. I’m getting a new one of your face right above the scroll on my leg that has the lyrics to Metallica’s One. It’s awesome!

Later everyone, Busey invited me to his house. He’s going to teach me to “cancel my fear by drinking my own blood.” It sounds pretty sweet!

JT –

(Takes a final swig of his fifth of jack and breaks it on the podium)

Fuck you Bill Simmons!

(security rushes the stage to escort JT away)

No, no, no… I’m okay. Here’s to you Bill! (pulls out another fifth and starts to drink).

Here’s a quick impression for ya….

“WAAAA!! My favorite baseball team just won the World Series!”
“WAAAA!! My favorite football team is the best team ever!!”
“WAAAA!! Everyone’s picking my favorite basketball team to go to the finals!!”
“WAAAA!!”

Enjoy it while you can you fucktard! And quit all the bitching for Christ sake!

Here’s a newsflash for you Bill, Boston sports teams haven’t had it worse than any other city’s teams in the country.

You can take any city, all their franchises, and compile a list of bad luck moments. It’s not unique to Boston.

I’m from Denver. Five straight times our football team fought their asses off to make it to a Super Bowl, only to get the absolute manatee feces kicked out of us. We just made it to our first World Series in the history of Colorado, only to get the absolute manatee feces kicked out of us. The Denver Nuggets have never been to a non ABA finals in the history of basketball. The Colorado Avalanche play hockey!

You see that? It only took me 15 seconds to come up with some bad luck for Denver sports. And I haven’t even mentioned the Nikoloz Tskitishvili draft pick, or Denny Neagle signing, or Rae Carruth (CU alumn).

Everyone outside of Massachusetts hates your teams Bill. It’s time to adapt. Stop playing the loveable loser. It doesn’t work when you and you’re fans are enjoying the best era for any sports city EVER.

Plus it’s only a matter of time before Kevin Garnett realizes that the majority of Boston hates black people. Don’t look at me like that Bill… One of your own basketball Gods said that.

Wait a minute… Don’t they make Sam Adams in Boston?

Forget everything I just said. I love you Bill…. I love Boston!!

__________________________

Discuss this and any other column deadlyhippos.com column at our message board.