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Random Movie Review: Church Ball
05/15/07
by Stretch
There comes a time in every man’s life when he must step outside his comfort zone. So it is with this giraffe. A la Jordan dabbling in minor league baseball, I will review a movie that does not star either Gary or Jake Busey.
If I told you that there was a movie about church league basketball, would you be excited?
What if I told you that the film starred Andrew Wilson, the lesser-known third Wilson brother?
That would be Andrew on the left
Okay. What if I told you that the movie was produced and distributed by the Mormons? Would that interest you?
Fine. Did I mention that Gary Coleman plays the church team’s backup point guard?
Gary bringing the D
Or that the team’s shooting guard is none other than Clint Howard?
Hello Ladies…
Yes my friends. One day we will remember the eponymous Church Ball as the beginning of an era. And that era is the Mark Madsen Acting Era. All hail.
You read that right. Mark Madsen—THE Mark Madsen—has a brief cameo in the climactic championship game as, now get this, a jubilant cheering member of the arch rival team’s bench. How did he train for that one? Ah, forget it. The great method actors never reveal the secrets of their craft.
So…is this a good movie? Eh.
The plot revolves around a Lovable Cast of Misfits who must Learn To Believe In Themselves before they can defeat the Evil Preppie Team. (Hey, the Mighty Ducks I, II & III!)
Is the basketball action believable?
Not a chance. There is a 400lb man on the team whom the filmmakers seemingly could not show for more than three seconds at a time, presumably so the audience would not see him collapse into the waiting arms of the crew and be jolted back to life with defibrillator paddles. There is a “40 year-old” player on the team who appears to be about 59 and looks a little like John McCain in shorts. During a particularly egregious segment of game action, the team’s center, a man who is at best 6’2”, catches the ball in the post and, through the magic of editing, tomahawk jams the ball with both hands. It came off as believable…except that he is in his fifties and does not appear to be physically able to jump.
There are quirky little oddities that give the movie worth, such as the non-believing guy who comes to church once a month to play on the team. He swears nonstop throughout the movie, and since the movie was an exercise in Mormon Family Goodness, the directors decided to bleep out every cuss word. I am not making this up. Personally, I somehow found his angry expletives funnier when I didn’t know what he was saying.
Another nice touch is when the team tries to coax a ringer onto the team by offering to restore the man’s house and yard. When he declines, the team spends an afternoon fixing up the guy’s place anyway. I guess I’ve been to too many Hollywood films, but I was expecting the team to take a group poop in his yard or something.
I really don’t need to tell you much more about the movie, because you’ve seen the plot twenty times before. Instead, let us focus on how this movie could have been improved by adding Gary or Jake Busey.
Seriously, why not? Gary is a believer (although rather insane as well). What, is he too old? Then how about Jake? Take a look at the intensity of this young Brando:
Do you know what Evil Preppie Teams are afraid of? I do. Scowling blond cigar-chomping maniacs. Jake Busey is someone that I would “go to war with” on the court. He’s a Church League David Lee. He’s a fan favorite. He’s a double-double or an ejection waiting to happen, depending on which side of the bed he wakes up on.
By the way, I have a bone to pick with the “Walking Tall” franchise:
In Blockbuster, I was delighted to see a straight-to-video Walking Tall 2. However, upon closer inspection, I was horrified to see that it starred that cur, that sloth, that amateur Kevin Sorbo (“Hercules”).
Someone did not get the memo. When there is a cheap sequel of a popular film to be made, there is only one last name to remember. Unfortunately, it is a sad fate that awaits WT2. It will languish unviewed on the shelves, never elevated to the cult status of other majestic films such as the electric Road House 2 (carried by Jake Busey’s Oscar-worthy performance as Wild Bill.)
Anyways….the rating for Church Ball:
FINAL REVIEW:
Church Ball ♥♥ (out of four)
Mark Madsen’s cameo ♥♥♥♥ (out of four)
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