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Random Movie Review: The Prize Fighter
03/26/07
by Stretch
Some men live by Claynation Canons. Others live by Maniquettes. I have only a couple of principles to live by, one of those being “Never hug when a handshake is acceptable; never shake when a smile will do.” Another of my rules is “Any time Gary or Jake Busey is in a movie, said movie must be watched.”
But I am giving too much away. Allow me to digress.
What if I told you there was a movie about boxing that starred Busey the Elder? Would that pique your interest?
Okay, what if I told you that the movie also starred Tonya Harding? Then would you be in?
I give you…The Prize Fighter.
I picked this sucker up from the used movies section at Blockbuster tonight. You know you’re probably in trouble when it costs less to actually buy the movie than it does to rent it. Anyway, let’s take a gander at the cover—Busey’s enormous chompers…check. Boxing glove….check. Two guys lightly slapping each other in the ring….check. Looks like we’re a go!
Upon returning home from Blockbuster, my wife promptly fell asleep on the couch. Looks like the television is off limits. I am going to watch from my laptop so I can “live review” this puppy. This should be fun.
Some preliminary thoughts:
• At the risk of sounding obsessive, Busey’s fangs really are amazing. He is the Dolly Parton of teeth.
Watch those hands, Gary
• After a quick search, I have found virtually no information on the interwebs on this movie. That cannot be good. I did, however, find a listing that claimed Gary hosted Saturday Night Live back in the 70s. Can this be true? I’m too lazy to look up the official record, so I’ll pretend that it is. I wonder if it was before Belushi died. That would have been a backstage coke binge the likes of which have never been seen. (Busey had a pretty serious problem before he became born again)
• My favorite Buseyism: SOBER = Son Of a Bitch, Everything’s Real!
(Starting movie)
Wait, hold everything! Leon Spinks is in this movie! Leon Spinks!
The rating logo on the back of the DVD case was partially covered with a sticker. I peel it off and it warns, ominously, that there will be nudity in this movie. Considering that the only three actors I have identified are Gary Busey, Tonya Harding, and Leon Spinks, this is very troubling.
Hmm…this is a little weird. We see a small suburban house in Oklahoma where a woman is knocking on the door, and a man in a tuxedo answers the door. A butler. Okay. Next time either spring for the mansion rental or cut out the part of the butler.
That didn’t last long. Now we’re in a MUD FIGHT FLASHBACK! Two pre-teen boys are slugging it out on all fours in a puddle, and I can’t help but fear that this action is going to be more believable than any of the boxing that comes later in the film. Sigh.
Ok. To say the acting is stiff would be to stretch the definition of the word “stiff” beyond its capabilities. No, we need to invent a new word to describe the line reading going on…and that word is “creutonic.” Anyway, here’s the plot so far: Ed, the ex-boxer with no boxing skills, is planning to return to the ring in an amateur boxing tournament to win the cash prize and save his house from foreclosure. Ed’s extended family, including his wife (more on her later), doesn’t want him to return to the ring, because of the “women”, “girls”, and “sluts.” Well, which is it?
TRAINING MONTAGE! A topless Ed dunks his torso in a basin of water, then proceeds to awkwardly hug three other men, which culminates in a terrifying slow-motion group hug. The infamous Rocky-Apollo “hug on the beach” implications are staggering. If Bill Simmons saw this movie his head would explode.
Observations:
• This movie is obsessed with two things: the town of Muskogee, Oklahoma and Tommy Morrison.
• I don’t know if Leon Spinks is even aware he is in this movie. His appearance is just shocking.
• Busey is that rare actor whose value is inversely proportional to the quality of the film he is in. This movie is woefully inept on just about every level, but watching Busey snarl and spit out dialog like Jack on “24”….it’s just perfect.
Ahh…this movie was apparently edited with a dull butter knife. I have no idea what is going on. Why was this thing rated R? Even the fight scenes look like Three Stooges outtakes. I’ve seen more interesting action watching ladybugs mate on the Discovery Channel.
A very telling moment occurred during the scene in which some random bad dude in a high-rise bribes off Busey. As Busey takes the money out of the envelope and thumbs through it, he wasn’t careful enough and exposed the fact that the wad of bills was filled with one dollar bills in the middle. On second thought, maybe they just happened to have cameras rolling when they actually gave Gary his fee for appearing in the film.
Incredibly, I found a picture of the exact scene…look closely.
Isn’t this movie supposed to be about boxing? So far we have chased tangents involving pro wrestling, Ed’s wife dying of headaches, a family being split apart by Vince McMahon (you read that correctly), and a montage involving dancing café workers and blue plate specials.
Third mention of Tommy Morrison. Still no idea why.
Ed’s wife seems awfully concerned about “sluts.” She can’t stop talking about them.
Some random girl wanders into Ed’s hotel room and starts to take off her clothes. Ed tells her “no thanks,” (YAY MARRIAGE!) and then rushes right home only to have his wife slap him in the face. (BOO MARRIAGE!)
Somehow Tonya Harding finds a way to get them back together (YAY MARRIAGE!).
I really, really don’t think Leon Spinks is okay. His greatest line of consequence so far has been “Ho, ho, ho!”
I want to kill myself by eating empty Jolly Rancher wrappers until my innards explode. This movie is utterly wretched. The fight scenes consist of two men standing toe to toe, swinging wildly with both hands while not actually hitting anything.
I stand corrected. This movie has a redeeming quality. Gary Busey just decked Leon Spinks and walked away, smirking. (grinning) I knew Busey would come through. I just knew it.
Okay. The final scene involves Ed fighting some dude from jail. Also, Ed has started snorting cocaine. Also, Gary Busey began the movie as a bad guy but somehow switched, mid-film, to a good guy. Also, I want to become a Mennonite now so I don’t ever have to run the risk of seeing this film again.
To cleanse the palette, let’s briefly discuss Gary Busey’s acting career and a few of his greatest roles to date:
Busey stars in a Christian-made movie about the coming rapture. Added bonus: We get to see Busey waking up from a coma with long hair and a caveman beard.
Perhaps Gary’s most mainstream effort, he gets chopped in half by an alien. (This does not upset Busey fans—he dies in almost every movie he is in; it’s like his calling card.)
Stretch’s personal favorite, we see the great method actor portray “Angelo Pappas” and act circles around a thoroughly outclassed Keanu Reeves. Added bonus: Gary punches out Dr. Cox from Scrubs.
FINAL REVIEW
(The Prize Fighter) ♥ (out of four)
(Gary Busey’s acting performance) ♥♥♥♥ (out of four)
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