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Criminal Athletes Tournament of Death Eastern Bracket: First
Round Results; Second Round Preview
03/20/07
by DJ
East Bracket, as it stands now:
SOS = (Strength of Sport)
RPI = (Rap-sheet Power Index)
HippoNation you voice was heard loud and clear. Thanks for voting. Now to a recap of the first round action.
1 Mike Tyson vs. 4 Duke Lacrosse Team
The morning started off hazy and warm. Warmer than usual in fact. And it wasn’t about to cool down outside. Not in the least. The converted Mojave Desert airplane boneyard was rife with heat undulation, cigarettes, and the premonition of death. The fans were one collective orgasm waiting to spring forth with jeers and cheers as Nirvana’s “Rape Me” suddenly blasted through the ancient speakers. Ironically, this was the entrance music for both sides. As Tyson sauntered into the ring, shorts quizzically backwards, his face was painted with a grisly maniacal sneer framed by his newest facial tattoo of Daffy Duck. He calmed sat in his corner and scowled at the three skinny pukes across from him, extremely unafraid of the copius amounts of wristbands, hair gel, and Axe body spray 30 yards away. The bell sounded and the Duke Lacrosse team charged across with their lacrosse sticks, pummeling Tyson upon arrival. Tyson never moved from his stool, never flinched, nor let out a sound, as unaffected as birdshit on a stone statue.
Mike Tyson in a rare moment of peaceful tranquility
As the exhausted Dukies wailed away at him he calmly stood, ripped away one of the sticks from a hapless assailant and then commenced to beat him to a bloody pulp as the other two stood by and creamed themselves in fear. Upon finishing the massacre, Tyson used the first victims’ blood as warpaint and jump-roped with his entrails around the ring. The crowd let out a roar that shook the ground. Feeding off the crowd, Tyson then took the lacrosse sticks from the other two and impaled one with both: one through the ass and one through the mouth. As the two sticks met in the middle of his now twitching corpse forming a spit roast of death, Tyson murmured, “Ghana is now free, exfoliate the fish” before tossing his aside like a skewered piece of chicken.
Like this, only with entrails.
The last Dukie remaining mustered up the courage to jump on Tyson’s back as he was daydreaming, hastily trying to snap his neck. This of course failed and failed miserably. This merely excited Tyson. Now visible erect from the anticipation of death, he flipped the youngster around with one hand and held him outstretched above the ground, choking him out. As the lights flickered and dwindled in the young man’s eyes and death swept over him, he instantly regretted this first round draw. Prison would have been better he supposed. “Good-bye, sthweet pwincthe” Tyson cackled. Still entertained by the corpse, he danced for three hours in the boneyard with it, even taking requests from the spectators. With all his foes finally vanquished victory was his. He then retreated to his living quarters to await the winner of the next match.
Tyson's new undead pets
2 Ray Lewis vs. 4 Lonny Baxter
Halfway across the globe in Serbia, Baxter and Lewis stood toe to toe in the ring. Amidst a frenzied atmosphere the two gladiators transcended the chaos, the fury, and angst the perpetuated the ancillary onlookers. Lewis, wrought with anticipation, struck the first blow, roundhousing Baxter with his screw-in metallic cleats. Baxter reeled and, bowed but not broken, pulled out a Desert Eagle and pointed it directly to the sky and fired until the clip was expired. He then mean-mugged Lewis who was doing his pre-game dance in full Ravens regalia. Baxter then pulled out an AK-47 in one hand and a rocket launcher in the other, and again pointed to the air and fired both weapons into the air in the same manner, flung them down and shook head in the “I’m on fire” method and pranced around the ring.
The crowd, flabbergasted by this display of lewd stupidity, booed. Lewis took this pause in action and used it to his advantage as he lept on his neck attempting to choke him out with his thighs and in the process took him to the ground crotch directly on top of Baxter’s head. Then, the unthinkable happened. Lewis’s back began to open up and wings sprouted as his eyes glowed an eerie green. The skies cleared and the heavens opened as magnificent light reined down upon the two combatants. Lewis was an archangel. As its claws appeared and the razor sharp feathers formed around him, Baxter could only look up in hysteria as Lewis leapt from the ring and hovered ten feet above.
In one fell swoop Archangel Lewis engulfed Baxter with his wings shielding him from view from the rest of the stone silent crowd. In an orgy of screams and blood, Lewis began the slow, painful annihilation process. As he revealed his product to the crowd, they broke out in cold sweats and pale visages. Lewis had reconfigured Baxter’s body into a bizarre, bloody, human Rubik's Cube but in a perfect circle placed aristocratically on a pyre of wood. Stoically, Lewis intensely gazed at the construction and plumes of smoke appeared around it as the sacrifice began to ignite. Chanting all the dead languages sequentially, then backwards according to region of origin, Lewis waited until the medley was consumed by flames, then floated in the air and sped off, never offering himself to the legions of onlookers that were now crazed in his allegiance. Throngs of fans had been treated to viewing this spectacle first hand. Deep inside his lair, Lewis reassumed his former self. After taking a deep breath he walked over to the fridge and made himself a sandwich, then switched on the evening news. “Tomorrow it would be cold outside”, he thought to himself. “I need to get myself a new coat. And I might need some more milk…” He drifted slowly to sleep. Lewis advances.
Second Round Preview
1 Tyson vs. 2 Lewis
The match of the century is now upon us. The site is yet to be determined,
but the Roman Coliseum is rumored to be the venue. Honestly it is a toss up
between these two. Lewis has a dark side but Tyson’s lunacy factor simply cannot
be ignored. My prediction is Tyson in a long sanguine stained affair.
Get to voting and let your voice be heard.
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