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Criminal Athletes Tournament of Death South Division Preview
and play-in results
03/19/07
by JT & DJ
South Bracket:
SOS = (Strength of Sport)
RPI = (Rap-sheet Power Index)
BIO CAPSULES
1. Pacman Jones:
SOS (Strength of Sport) 8. Football is a somewhat violent sport
filled with a fairly high percentage of convicted and accused criminals when
compared to other other proffessions.
RPI (Rap-sheet Power Index) 100.
How he got here:
What can you say about Pac Man that hasn't already been said about Al Queida? Pacman's rap sheet is filled with 10 run-ins with the law in the past two years. Some of his crimes include "making it rain" on a stripper in Vegas then bashing her head into the stage when she tried to gather up the money, biting a bouncer that attempted to stop him from beating the stripper, and then shooting the bouncer (allegedly) later that night. He also has accusations of lesser crimes such as marijuana possession and fighting with police.
Pacman and his high number of police run-ins leave him as one of the favorites of this tournament. The allowance of all weapons definitely helps Pac as does the high fluidity of his hips. He is shifty, has great stop and go speed, and is not above biting or hitting a girl, which will all come in handy in a tournament like this. As always, his mini dreads leave him open to hair pulling, but still look for Pacman to go far.
2. Rae Carruth
SOS (Strength of Sport) - 9. Since he's out of football now his main sport
has been prison yard basketball. As we learned from Michael Irvin and Adam Sandler
in The Longest Yard... that is not a sport for the squeamish or faint of heart.
RPI (Rap-sheet Power Index) 100
How he got here:
In 1999 Rae Carruth was convicted of conspiracy in the murder of his pregnant girlfriend. After posting bail he fled the police in Charlotte and was found in Nashville Tennessee living it up hiding in the trunk of a Toyota Camry with bottles of his own urine and $3,900 in straight cash. Carruth is now serving time in a prison in Raleigh for a minimum length of 18 years.
Carruth is a chic pick to win this tournament with his lengthy jail stint
being served and the fact that he feels slighted by the selection committee
for not getting a #1 seed.
"What the F**K I gotta do to get a 1 seed?!?!" He screamed at reporters
upon hearing the news. "I guess coming up with a plan to kill someone isn't
enough to this selection committee. I felt my body of work spoke for itself
but now I got a serious chip on my shoulder! I feel sorry for whoever I play
first!"
Carruth is being let out of jail for his fights only and will be kept in solitary confinement during the time between fights.
3. Nate Newton:
SOS (Strength of Sport) 8. Again with the football players... Nate was an Offensive
Lineman though, you know how those guys get.
RPI (Rap-sheet Power Index) 87
How he got here: Nate is a hulking giant of a man that weighed in at nearly 370 lbs in his Dallas Cowboy playing days. He was a six time Pro-Bowler and a 3 time Super Bowl Champion. Oh yeah, he also spent a few years in the clink for trying to smuggle over 200 lbs of Ganj into the US from Mexico. While out on bail he was later caught trying to smuggle 175 pounds of weed in nearly the same place. You'd think that Nate would have grown even harder and meaner with time spent in prison, but unfortunately for him (in a tournament like this especially), Nate found the Lord after prison and has gone down the path of the straight and narrow.... well not too narrow as he still weighs nearly 400lbs. Don't be too quick to count out Newton though with this quote from a recent interview "You're either going to heaven or hell, there's no in between. I'm going to heaven now, but at the time I was going to hell full-speed. That's just the way I do things, all the way. If I was a killer, I'd take 'em all out. Everybody. Not just one or two."
For this tournament at least, let's hope he finds his inner killer.
4. Play-in winner (Royal Rumble style)
Bennett Salvatore / Stu Jackson
SOS (Strength of Sport) - 2. While basketball isn't a full contact sport, neither
actually plays the game.
RPI (Rap-sheet Power Index) 31. Guilty of fixing last season's NBA finals by
anointing Dwyane Wade an "Untouchable" giving the Heat the upper-hand
and eventually the championship.
Salvatore and Jackson aren't much in the way of fighters, but they are excellent politicians who may be able to use their intellect to help them advance.
Salvatore (background) calling the clinching phantom foul during last seasons finals.
John Amaechi -
SOS - (Strength of Sport) 3. A basketball player who never played.
RPI - (Rap-sheet Power Index) - 0. Guilty of only making Tim Hardaway extremely
uncomfortable and homophobic. He thinks this tournament is a book signing.
Amaechi is likely to be spanked in this tournament..... no, not that way.
Gonzaga Basketball:
SOS - (Strength of Sport) - 3. Hippie athletes don't usually rank high.
RPI - (Rap-sheet Power Index) - 51. Convicted of possession of weed and psychedelic
mushrooms. Not exactly powerful tools in a death-match... unless you feed them
to your opponents that is.
University of Colorado Football:
SOS - (Strength of Sport) 8. We are talking about nearly an entire football
team here.
RPI - (Rap-sheet Power Index) 74. There have been countless rape accusations
with the program although none of them have been convicted. Besides the field
is mostly men so rape isn't likely to be useful in this situation... except
against Amaechi perhaps....
Mike Price:
SOS - (Strength of Sport) 5. He is in football but he is an old coach.
RPI - (Rap-sheet Power Index) 12. While never convicted of a crime, Price did
forever sully his reputation with his tumble in the hay with a stripper, yelling
"Roll Tide!" while consummating there relationship, shortly after
being hired then fired as Alabama's head football coach. He is quite the screamer
though and he could find a way to make that work in his favor during the Royal
Rumble.
FIRST ROUND PREVIEWS:
Play-in Game:
The play-in game took place over the weekend, and here is an excerpt of what happened from the AP story:
Royal Rumble Play-In Game:
Bennett Salvatore / Stu Jackson vs. John Amaechi vs. Gonzaga basketball vs. Colorado football vs. Mike Price
The bell sounds for the play-in Royal Rumble Battle and only one squad seems to know the realness of what is happening today... the crowd screams in bloody anticipation, saliva and stale popcorn kernels streaming from their mouths as they envisions the carnage that is about to present itself to the now ecstatic crowd, all of them screaming as one..... "THUMBS DOWN!! THUMBS DOWN!!" they scream in delight as they wait for the five play-in participants to make their way to the stadium floor....
The first to enter is the Gonzaga basketball players, fresh off their marijuana and psychedelic mushroom possession charge, to the sounds of the Dave Mathews Band. They seem somewhat distracted from the jump, calling to the fenders for an extra large Nachos and a large Sprite.... Then the music changes, and the music of Wham blasts throughout the stadium as a spandex clad John Amaechi enters the arena with two leopardskin clad pool boys shouting, "We're here, we're queer, Get used to it!!!" He seems to have done this to infuriate guest announcer Tim "Homophobes" Hardaway, who has signed on to do this match to rebuild his social resume. As they exchange an icy glare through the Xenon light of Amaechi's glow-sticks, a black man's head nod takes place and they are once again at peace, at least for the time being.
Then, the blaring music of Kid Rock breaks the ungodly silence.... "Oh my God!" Shouts Jerry Lawler, "That's Mike Price's music!!!" The Alabama University fight song then begins to play repeatedly as Mike Price slowly makes love to the Gonzaga boys as the Colorado University team looks on in horror....."Roll Tide!!!" He screams in pure ecstasy, and on pure ecstasy. A bottle of Rebel Yell in one hand he rips off his shirt to reveal alligator clamps on his nipples attached to wires that run down to a 12v battery tucked neatly under his aging wrinkled ball bag. He was here for business. The Colorado Football Team, too unathletic and timid to do anything, cowers in the corner, sucking their collective thumbs. They were waiting for Bennett Salvatore and Stu Jackson to enter the fray, hoping they would be an easy victory. And then, they came. Atop seats mounted on poles, they are carried in by Dwayne Wade, Shaq, Gary Payton, and 'Zo. Donning only whistles they stood in the center. Everyone was here and it was on and crackin'. Salvatore and Jackson start blowing their whistles to a techno beat and instantly Amaechi and crew break out in dance, followed by the shroomed out Zag boys. Chaos reigns and the Colorado Football Team tries to attack the refs by throwing footballs at them, but due to their terrible passing offense, they had no success. The balls barely made it 8 yards. From above, a voice bellows, "Go play intramurals brotha!!!" and the CU Team wets themselves. It was a tape recording of Dan Hawkins, brought by Mike Price. The clever rube worked, as the CU Team eliminated themselves by ritual suicide or as they call it "wind sprints". They ran about forty yards full speed and had heart attacks from being so lazy and out of shape. One team eliminated. The two old refs are out of breath from blowing the whistle and stop, giving the Zags and Amaechi a chance to ask the judges who won the dance off. Homophobes Hardaway says, "That quee...I mean Amaechi won...hands and pants down!" The Zags hang their heads in disappointment. Amaechi raises his hands in the air and kicks his legs so high his leg warmers almost fly off. In the celebration, the two refs had slowly sidled up to the Zags, hate glistening all over their bodies. The last words they ever hear are from Jackson's terse jaw as it secretes the words, "You will NEVER see the light of day again. Just relax..." After the garrote wires slips over the Zag boys' necks, a quick tug ends their being. Zag boys out. Just Price, Amaechi, and the refs remain. Amaechi screeches, "You animals!! You killed my fabulous friends!!" and scratches out both of their eyes, leaving only dark, bloody sockets. Too old to sustain such an injury the two refs drop to their knees, then collapse and disintegrate into dust, forming an eerie message in smoke as it wisps away into nothingness: "STERN DON'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE". And like that, it's gone...
Now it's Price and Amaechi. "Till death do us part, fun boy" Price mutters, heart visibly beating through his pale chest. They circle, then grapple. Price is overwhelmed by the Brit and falls to the ground. Recently signed to a razor blade company, HeadBlade Inc., he brings out his newly acquired wares, and his freshly shorn body accentuated by glitter began to scintillate: Amaechi was preparing for his death move, the BodyBlade. In flurry of razor blades, the real Crimson Tide began pouring out of Price. The whole time Price never made a peep, just kept this stoic and slight grin on his face as his life leaves his body. His eyes remained open as well. Amaechi is the undisputed champ of the Royal Rumbe Play-in. Some say he stands no chance against Pac Man Jones, and they may be right. But for now, he has made history, as the first openly gay NBA athlete to win a match in the CATD. As he is carried off by his posse of Indonesian midgets, he, for one shining moment is on top. John Amaechi advances....
1. Pacman Jones vs. Play-in Winner John Amaechi.
With freedom to use any and all handguns, Pacman shouldn't have too much trouble advancing. Look for his opponent to exploit his one glaring weakness though, love of the ganj.
2. Rae Carruth vs. Nate Newton.
A classic matchup of size vs. speed. Has seven years in prison hardened Rae, and will he be able to use his beef of not being a #1 seed to his advantage? Can Newton shake himself of his newfound religion and "take em all out?"
Your votes decide.
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