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Criminal Athletes Tournament of Death Midwestern Division
Preview
03/16/07
by DJ
Midwest Bracket:
SOS = (Strength of Sport)
RPI = (Rap-sheet Power Index)
BIO CAPSULES
1 Seed - Maurice Clarett
SOS: Football in the Big 10 can make you crazy. Having to rely on Craig Krenzel
can push you over the edge. 8.5
RPI: 100
How he got here:
Where do I begin? He rushed for 1,237 yards (a school record for a freshman) and scored 18 TD’s, which helped the Buckeyes to a 14-0 record and the 2002 National Championship. This was pretty much it for ol’ Mo. Besides PacMan, he has the strongest body of work of anyone in the tourney. Just his mug shot alone says, “You do NOT want to share a ring with me.” His most recent exploit was legendary. He was arrested, wearing Kevlar and the officers discovered a hatchet (quite possibly the most random weapon of all time), a loaded AK-47, a pistol, and two other loaded handguns in his vehicle along with an open bottle of Grey Goose. All the while he was phoning into an ESPN reporter. When you look up “deranged” in the dictionary, that picture above will be the definition provided. He should go far in this tourney. His array of weaponry skills will come in handy, and the Kevlar and vodka will help deflect pain while he inflicts some.
4 Seed – Eddie Griffin
SOS: A basketball player, so not much true thuggery there, plus he loses points
for begging the cops not to take him to jail. 6
RPI: 69
How he got here:
A serial public drunken masturbator isn’t much of a threat it would seem. Unless he squirts that self heating KY into someone’s eyes. Then it could get nasty. This guy actually got into a wreck because he was rubbing one out to a porn in his SUV. And there are witnesses, so discretion was not on the agenda that night. Expect him to get tired quickly and fall asleep sucking his thumb mumbling, “I love you Kobe Tai”. He is just along for the ride and the free gear. Although he has a small history of violence (hit and shot at his girlfriend in ’04), and alcoholic tendencies, and once attended anger management classes, he just doesn’t show the continual fire to succeed in a tourney like this. Plus his 11 days in jail total doesn’t really stack up to the vets in this tourney.
2 Seed – Lawrence Philips
SOS: What is it with RB’s and crazy? 8
RPI: 95
How he got here:
Some say he is the weakest 2 seed in the field. LP is here to tell you that is not true. A serial woman beater, he his most recent scrape with the law was when he allegedly attempted to run over three teenagers after a pickup football game argument. Why is this grown man playing pickup football in the first place with kids? I guess decision making was never his strong suit. He now faces 20 years in the clink over that and several other domestic offenses. His downfall will be his lack of weapon skills, and since cars are not allowed in the ring, he will be forced to throttle with his bare mitts. But if he faces a chick, then look out. Much like his career, he will probably be a one and done.
3 Seed – Tonya Harding
SOS: Figure skating is pretty much filled with wusses, but at least the blades
are sharp. Doing the porn with Jeff Gillooly, or even just touching him was
more dangerous. And she boxed. Judges? 5.5
RPI: 68
How she got here:
Representing for the ladies in this tourney is the infamous ice-skater who masterminded an attack against her opponent Nancy Kerrigan. And she also did porn and boxed. If she was hot this would be somewhat attractive. Look for her to premeditate an attack with whomever she draws in the first round to weaken their defenses. And then she will box topless. And if you look at her picture you will see why this would disorient or even blind her opponent. That is pretty much her only hope. She was the beneficiary of a weak field this year. She may not make it out the first round, but her boozing and drunken hatred towards men will make it interesting. And rumor has it she wears underwear with dick holes in them….
FIRST ROUND PREVIEWS:
1 Maurice Clarett vs. 4 Eddie Griffin: Clarett in a landslide. They will both be drunk, but only one will be able to handle his booze long enough to clinch victory. Clarett is in a weak bracket. Expect a cakewalk to the title game.
2 Lawrence Phillips vs. 3 Tonya Harding: Although they are about the same size, and have a history of hating the opposite sex, always bet on this: LP will always beat a woman. Take that to the bank.
Make sure you send in your votes and decide the winner.
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