 |
 |
 |
| previous column | next column |
Criminal Athletes Tournament of Death Eastern Division Preview
03/15/07
by DJ
As announced earlier , the Deadly Hippos staff have heeded the clarion call to bring you another March Madness-inspired tournament. Coverage continues for the Eastern Bracket, today, in:
Here is where the Eastern Bracket stands:
Ratings:
SOS (Strength of Sport)
RPI (Rap-sheet Power Index)
1 Seed – Mike Tyson
SOS: Boxing. Quite possibly the most brutal sanctioned sport besides hockey
or having to watch a curling match. 10
RPI: 100
How he got here:
Really? Is this section even necessary? His dynasty of insanity put him here and it wouldn’t be a tourney without him. It would be like UNC, Duke, Arizona, and Syracuse all not making it to the NCAA’s in the SAME YEAR. If someone emailed me and told me that he raped a Maltese falcon I wouldn’t bat an eye. Dead serious. He’s a carnival at this point. Betting on him to win this tourney would be one of the safest bet in history. He might actually be even too crazy for the event. He is his own worst enemy. He may actually require a tranq dart before the match just to keep it fair. I’m almost afraid to laugh at that picture, which is hands down the gayest, most hilarious pic I have ever seen.
4 Seed – Duke lacrosse
SOS: It’s lacrosse. I don’t really even think it’s a word,
so how can it be a sport. 2.
RPI: 60
How they got here:
They supposedly raped a stripper. And after months and months of crap, which made most people outside of the state not even care anymore, nobody got charged. Sound familiar? It seems the only people that came out on top of this mess were the players that sucked and never got to play but had to practice because the season got cancelled. I bet they were stoked. These players, who will remain nameless, have no chance of winning unless they gang up on the opposition, something they “allegedly” are accustom to doing. They are by far the weakest group in the tourney, so don’t expect them to last.
2 Seed – Ray Lewis
SOS: Plays the toughest position (MLB) for the toughest team (Baltimore Ravens)
and went to the toughest football school (The U) and was born in one of the
toughest parts of Florida. Oh, and plays football with the minimum amount of
pads required. Ummm…10
RPI: 100
How he got here:
Vicious hits aside, he might be the most intimidating character in the tourney besides the aforementioned Tyson. He even looks scary in a mink. He was charged with murder, then ended not really having to do anything but plead guilt to a misdemeanor. Maybe they were afraid to put him in jail. A tough man in a tougher albeit top heavy bracket, he should fly past the first round unless he falls victim to the cursed Madden jinx again like he did after his ’05 cover. Also, his pregame dance should get the crowd into it because who doesn’t love to see a man dance around in white sweaty spandex?
3 Seed - Lonny Baxter
SOS: A basketball player. An overseas basketball player at that. 6, on a good
day.
RPI: 70
How he got here:
LB crept into the tourney. In fact, so light is his resume, we here at HD HQ even have a hard time keeping track of who he is. He got here on sheer moronicity. It’s like that team with a weak RPI that gets into the tourney off of a few big wins at the last minute. This dude decided it was a good idea to fire a glock in the air…in DC…in a huge white SUV where the shell casings were found…a stone’s throw away from the White House. He pretty much left a bread crumb trail for the Secret Service to find him at the Honeycomb Hideout. Really? He’s lucky he just got 60 days. But that’s really the only thing he’s ever done. His experience with weaponry is a plus, but he shot at a target that you can’t miss…the sky. We shall see how Baxter will fair in this tourney. He might just be too dumb to stay in it.
First Round Predictions
1. Mike Tyson vs. 4. Duke Lacrosse
Iron Mike will devour all three of them. No contest. Might be the bloodiest match of the tourney not involving weapons. An utter blowout. Shame on the committee for invoking this match.
2. Ray Lewis vs. 3. Lonny Baxter
Another one-sided bloodbath. It will be like when King Kong destroyed that T-Rex and tore open his mouth, then used it as a toy afterwards.
In this bracket, the second round match should be legendary; don’t look for any upsets, but you never know. That’s where your votes come in... Get to voting (left side of your screen).
__________________________
Discuss this and any other column deadlyhippos.com column at our message board.