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Peccadilloes
01/16/07
by Stretch
Everyone believes in something that doesn’t make sense.
A good term for these types of things is peccadilloes. It’s kind of like a dirty little secret. They usually come in two forms:
1. You believe it, although on some level you know that it’s not true. (Like believing in Santa Claus)
2. It’s just really, really unpopular. (Like, say, that we should go ahead and give Communism a try here in America)
I thought it would be a good idea to disclose some personal peccadilloes. After all, we can’t in good conscience make fun of other people unless we first open ourselves up. Otherwise we’d all be Jay Mariotti, and that’s no fun. (From what I’ve heard, anyway)
So here goes. Here are some irrational/unpopular things I believe, and my defense for those peccadilloes.
Vitali Klitschko is the best heavyweight boxer of all time
I like both Klitschko boys a lot. They represent something boxing needs: distinguished voices in a sport full of false bravado and empty gravitas. They hold PhDs, they are gracious to their adversaries, and—oh yeah—they’re both built like Nordic Gods and punch like archangels. It is my opinion that recently retired (and rumored to be un-retired) older brother Vitali is the best heavyweight boxer of all time.
I don’t know why—I just liked this picture more than the others.
Leave me alone.
Let’s examine Vitali, and then we’ll look at the fighters generally considered to be the best.
First off, take Klitschko’s record: 35-2. The amazing thing is that 34 of the victories came by knockout, which means that only one man who stepped inside the ring with Vitali ever made it to the final bell. But what about the losses, you say? In a very real way, Vitali was never beaten. In his loss to Chris Byrd, Klitschko hammered the defensive specialist for nine full rounds, virtually sweeping the scorecards. Before the tenth round, Vitali quietly opted not to continue, due to a torn rotator cuff that left him hobbled. In perhaps his most famous bout, Klitschko went up against undisputed champion Lennox Lewis in a bout that had the potential to be one of the greatest ever. Klitschko came out firing, and through six rounds held a 58-56 advantage on all three cards. Unfortunately, he also collected a massive cut above his eye, which led the ringside doctor to call the fight off before the seventh round. While technically a loss, Klitschko effectively chased Lewis into retirement with his strong showing, as the champion did not want to deal with a fully healed Vitali in a rematch.
So what about Marciano? Listen, Rocky is sentimental to a lot of people. He’s got that nice undefeated record, he’s white, and he’s got the boxing name. But here’s the thing: if you want to make the case that Marciano was the greatest cruiserweight of all time, I’m with you. But he was 185 pounds, which is not a heavyweight. I know the fact that he was underweight might actually seem more impressive, but it’s not. He made a career out of decking people who wouldn’t stand a chance in today’s heavyweight division. To sum up, I think Rocky’s the man, but to say his 185 lb frame could withstand the battering of today’s roided-up freaks requires more blind faith than I can muster.
What about Joe Louis? This is probably the hardest one to explain away. Louis had an incredible run, which trumps anything ever recorded in the heavyweight division. In the end, the size issue that I already mentioned keeps me from recognizing him as the best.
What about Ali? Overrated. I know it sounds almost sacrilegious, but get underneath all the hype. This is someone who was beaten by Frazier once (twice?), got his lunch handed to him by Ken Norton (three times?), and who hung around too long and suffered a string of embarrassing defeats. For cripe’s sake, he was floored by Chuckie Wepner!
What about Tyson? True. I’m not sure anyone could have beaten a 20-year old Mike Tyson, the angry fighter who kept his hands up and worked the body. But look at the whole body of work. Tyson lost focus, came back a few too many times, and by the end of the road wasn’t even a top-20 fighter. How many times was Tyson lying on his back in the ring before he called it quits?
Now ask the same question about Vitali. How many times was he ever knocked down? Zero. Vitali Klitschko was never knocked down professionally, not by anyone, not ever. And at the height of his success, he walked away. And while his alleged comeback remains to be evaluated for legacy’s sake, I still rank him as the best that ever was.
Whew. I have become tired from all this boxing talk. I raise my hand above my head, signaling the need for a substitution, like during high school basketball when I would run up and down the court three times and be utterly exhausted. As I take a seat on the bench, Hippo DJ steps in to shoulder the burden of this increasingly complex column. Give me a second to get some water and a towel; I’ll be back.
“Step aside, Giraffe-Boy”
DJ's peccadilloes:
A. Things we believe but at the same time on some level realize probably aren't true:
1. I firmly believe Deion Sanders is the best corner/special teams player of all time. The hand behind the head highstep from the 15 yard line is probably one (if not the) most duplicated act in pro sports. Plus he was fucking really good. He locked down an entire side of the field in his heyday. He bounced around to different teams in order to win championships like no other NFL player in history because he was that good. He was a ringer for hire. His cockiness alone struck fear in the hearts of QB's and offensive coordinators.
Deion’s shoe, man…
Never mind.
2. The Tennessee Titans suffered the most devastating loss in Super Bowl history when they came up one yard short against the Rams. The only thing remotely close was when the Bills lost 4 in a row. Along the same lines, the Titans will make the Super Bowl in the next three years, whereas the Bills will not make it for at least a decade.
3. Had Drazen Petrovic not died, he would have been the one and only true challenge to Jordan. I remember watching them play and DP was giving it to the Bulls. I mean no one could stop him or even come close. He would have been the most famous European player in NBA history. Somehow Vlade stole this crown.
R.I.P.
B. Things we believe that are very unpopular:
1. There will never be a black president if Obama doesn't get elected. This really needs no explanation. History supports this. I wonder what the odds are that there will be a woman president before a black president. Also, I think the timing of Obama's possible election is strange. Right when he would be elected, he would have to dig the US out of a mess that he didn't create. Then if it didn't workout the unspoken sentiment would be "well, we gave him/them a chance and it didn't work out..." Which leads me to my next one....
2. Black coaches are only hired to clean up messes they didn't create and are made scapegoats, mostly in football. Art Shell, Denny Green (who deserved it but still), and soon to be Romeo Crennel are example of this. Yes they sucked this year, but they came into a bad mess from the jump, not like Dungy and Lovie Smith, who were the exceptions to the rule when they were given the reigns of good teams. Herm Edwards and Marvin Lewis are right in the middle, but they had to make lemonade from lemons. In college football, the new coach at Miami Randy Shannon (best example for my argument, you don't think they already have a successor lined up?), and the coach for Mississippi State Sylvester Croom is another. What happened to Ty Willingham at Notre Dame is probably what would happen to Obama if he was elected.
Okay, now I (Stretch) am back. For the record, DJ stressed that he was not playing the race card. I asked him to prove it by admitting that Kelly Tripucka was a better overall player than Jordan, but he didn’t. So I guess he was lying about playing the race card.
On to another peccadillo.
There is not a poverty problem in America
Yes, I know, you can’t say things like that. The poor are all around us. We have a War on Poverty that has been, strangely, kind of a long running thing. Talking about poverty gets you a big audience. Wrinkling up your brow and bemoaning the gap between the rich and poor will always win you friends.
I just don’t think that lack of money is the problem in America.
To be fair, there are lots of people in crisis who need help. One of the great things about America is that when life knocks you to the ground, someone is usually willing to help you up. It might be nothing more than a cot at a Salvation Army, but it’s still help. I’m not picking on those who have nothing. My issue is different.
Somewhere along the line, we decided that money equaled happiness. This was a terminal error on our part. Human beings were created with empty souls, souls that ache to be filled from the moment we enter the world. The problem is, our souls were designed to be full of things that no type of currency can buy: Love. Relationships. Meaning. Purpose. These things require work and sacrifice, and at some point we decided it would be easier to just buy things to pacify ourselves. We bought land. We bought power. We even bought sex, thinking it could fill up the empty space inside of us.
One semester in college, when I was living off campus and limping towards graduation with a junky car and no disposable income, I made a serious mistake. When figuring out my budget, I somehow made a major miscalculation, to the tune of around 700 dollars. To make a long story short, I had to get through a fairly long period with a food budget of five dollars a day. That’s about a dollar and three quarters for each meal. A typical day consisted of a two liter of soda (a glass for breakfast would usually get you through), a lunch trip to McDonald’s for a $1 double cheeseburger, two more double cheeseburgers for dinner, and a candy bar dessert bought with whatever change I had left.
It’s kind of funny to talk about it now, but that was probably the lowest that I have ever been. The thing is, even then, at my nadir, I was never really poor. The fact that I could get in my car and drive to get a hot burger without worrying about getting shot or catching disease from the food put me above countless millions who starved while I sat around counting nickels. Money or not, I never ran out of clean water. Not once did I have to sleep underneath the stars.
No, in America we don’t have a poverty problem. We have a contentment problem. Almost all of us are rich beyond our own realization, wealthier than the wildest dreams of third world peasants. And yet, we’re not happy. When the things we trusted to make us content did just the opposite, we lashed out at the only people we could—those who have more than us.
I might be wrong, but it seems like the people who have the most aren’t really in that much better shape. Donald Trump owns half of New York and has a gorgeous young wife, but listen to him. Is he happy? He is one of the richest men in America, and he spends his days obsessing about what Rosie O’Donnell and the tabloids say about him. Wilt Chamberlain parlayed his fame and fortune into sexual encounters with thousands of women. Despite a lifetime of pleasures, he died bitter, upset at everything from the 1969 Finals to the media’s crowning of Jordan as the GOAT (Greatest of All Time).
As long as we trust in material things to give us meaning, we will always be unfulfilled, and we will always be angry at those who have more.
JT: The Closer
Uh Oh. Apparently I have been subbed out yet again. Hippo JT, angry about his part in the two Hippogeddon movie scripts, has decided that he will choose this exact moment to exact his revenge. Using his seniority, he takes over this column, and my role is suddenly done. I retreat back to the bench, head down, like Beno Udrih after one of his two-minute, four-turnover stints for the Spurs. Until next time, Hippo Nation.
B. things we believe that are very unpopular:
1. John Elway is not only the greatest QB that ever lived but the best player in NFL history. I will argue this point to the grave. No QB has done more with less talent then Elway (I'm talking about the first 3 Super Bowl teams not the last 2 that he won). There wasn't a player on those teams that you could name outside of Elway. His Running Backs? Sammy Winder, Steve Sewell, Gerald Wilhite, Rod Bernstein, Bobby Humphrey, etc. His Wide Recievers? Ricky Nattiel, Vance Johnson, Steve Watson, Mark Jackson, and others. Still he lead his team to 3 Super Bowls in 4 years with these players. When he finally got a bit of talent surrounding him in the mid to late 90's he won two Super Bowls in a row at ages 36 and 37. Imagine if he played with the same talent that Montana and Aikman had. He would have won 5+ Super Bowls at least and we wouldn't even be having this discussion. He'd be the Michael Jordan of football.
(Going along with this topic, while growing up my brother had a fanatic belief that Gary Kubiak was better than Elway. Every time Elway threw a pick or incomplete pass my brother would shake his head, look me directly in the eye and in all seriousness say, "The Kube would have made that pass." He kept saying this up to about 3 years after Kubiak retired. It should also be noted that my brother does an outstanding impersonation of Harry Carey. I don't know what it has to do with anything, I just felt it should be noted.)
2. The best Playstation game of all time isn't Madden or GTA.... It is Guitar Hero. If you haven't played this game yet, you need to head straight to the nearest Best Buy, lay down the necessary coin, and purchase this game ASAP. In fact, what you need to do is buy the duel remote guitars so that you can really explore the space whilst rocking your damn soul out. Trust me you will never, ever regret this decision. The songs are awesome and if you ever wanted to pretend you were one of the dudes on VH1 Behind The Music, than there is no possible way you can turn away from this game.
Here is a fun side game: combine the Karaoke Revolution with Guitar Hero and create your own simulated GnR cover band... trust me, this is just about the most awesome thing you can ever do. Outside of a Jenna Jameson flick of course...
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