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NBA East Check-Up
01/24/07
by Stretch
Okay, let’s do this again. It’s been a while since my last column on the NBA, which, and I don’t think this is too much of an exaggeration, was literally perfect. I was right on target about the rise of the Lakers, the fall of the Clippers, and the rebirth of the Jazz.
On the other hand, I did not predict Portland’s surprising start, or the inexplicable suck emanating out of New Jersey (we’re talking about basketball, not general matters of state).
Let’s get right to it. Team reports, in alphabetical order:
Atlanta
How bad are the Hawks? Last month, I happened to see a third quarter score of the Hawks leading the Jazz by 20 in Atlanta. My first thought was “Hawks will lose that one.” Sure enough, the Jazz went bananas in the 4th, while Mike Woodson’s crew obliged them by going with the seldom-used strategy of ceasing all defensive AND offensive maneuvers. Good stuff.
Boston
Egad. When your starting frontcourt consists of Kendrick Perkins, Al Jefferson, and Ryan Gomes, it might be time to look for a trade if your last name is Pierce and your first name is Paul.
Charlotte
I have been holding off for quite some time, but it has come to this: IN-COLUMN CALL-OUT TO HIPPO JT: TIME FOR ANOTHER ALL-NBA UGLY COLUMN!!!
The times warrant it, my friend. And for your consideration, may I present the following applicants:
Ammo-
Like the above picture demonstrates, Morrison’s current state of ugly
is largely self-imposed, and that kind of dedication has got to count for something.
Koub-
Unlike Morrison, Diawara seems to be blessed with large amounts of natural homeliness.
He looks like the younger brother of Stephen Jackson, which is quite the accomplishment.
Calderon-
The question is not whether the NBA is ready for an openly gay player. The question
is whether or not the NBA is ready for a unibrow. In JC’s world, the answer
is yes. Yes, all the time.
Chicago
Pat Riley is right. The most dangerous player in the NBA is Kirk Hinrich. Look at him, just running around that court. You see that stare? Like a killer. I’ll bet he listens to that devil music. Probably paints his nails black on the weekends. Dangerous boy, that Hinrich. I can feel the anger in him. Why, my sister Gerty was walking by the Hinrich house after the church pickle-swap, and little Kirky was sitting on the front swing, just sitting there staring. Just sitting there staring.
Cleveland
Why, oh WHY didn’t Cleveland listen to Scoop Jackson? If they had only drafted Bassy Telfair instead of that James stiff, they would be in the middle of a dynasty! How many championships has LBJ won? 0. That’s how many. Tsk, Tsk. Oh well. I suppose success isn’t for everyone.
Detroit
My brother in law, a huge Pistons fan, swears up and down that the C-Webb acquisition will help them in the long haul. Hey, why not? This is the East. He and I also talk a lot about how Carlos Delfino looks exactly like what you picture when you hear the phrase “Latin Jimmy Fallon.” Watch:
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See?
Indiana
Well, well. The Pacers just got a whole lot whiter and a lot less (early-morning-strip-club-gunplay-) crazy. Neither one of those things should budge them too far in any direction, because this team seems destined to finish the season at 41-41.
I know I have said this before, but the Pacers have the most interesting center tandem in recent league history with David Harrison and Jeff Foster. I don’t know what could compare to that pairing. Shawn Kemp and Robert Swift? Cherokee Parks and Daryl Dawkins? Bill Walton and Shaq?
Can we get a camera to follow the Indiana players around after practice? I kind of imagine it unfolding like this: Harrison reclining in a tub filled with beer instead of water, smoking a cigar, while Foster quietly sits in a chair in the middle of the room, rocking back and forth and whispering the names of people on “the list.”
Miami
Here’s a scary thought: As bad as they are, what exactly is standing in the way of an 8th seeded Miami Heat team, with a full complement of referees’ whistles behind them, from making a ’95 Rockets-type run back to the Finals?
Ugh. (Shivering)
Milwaukee
The last time Michael Redd went for 60 in a game, Hippo DJ and I had an email discussion that centered on the following scenario:
If you are playing a team with one scorer, and said scorer is allowed to go for more than 40 points in a game, you do not deserve to coach in the NBA.
Let’s go YMCA-level on this. Put two guys on Redd and play the other three in a triangle protecting the lane. Why not? Because you don’t want to give Damir Markota an open 3? Back in the early 00s, when the Lakers routinely crapped all over my Spurs in the Western Conference Playoffs, I would scream at Greg Popovich to double Kobe during the 4th quarter of tight games. I knew, KNEW Kobe was going to take the shot and most likely sink it. Why not FORCE him to give it up? Why not put four guys on him with Duncan at the rim?
But alas, that’s just my opinion. I coach YMCA league, not in the NBA. People say it won’t work, but sometimes people just aren’t ready for genius. People weren’t ready when I sent one of my bench players in to knee the other team’s best shooter in the groin during the 8-and-under girls’ league tournament. Said I was playing dirty. Well you know what? My girls got the trophy! It’s like Napoleon said when he conquered Rome: To the victor go the spoils, kemosabe!
New Jersey
Put this one on ice. Goodbye, Richard Jefferson and Nenad Krstic. Goodbye, New Jersey playoff hopes. Goodbye, Vince Carter to free agency. Goodbye, half of Jason Kidd’s money.
Also: Could Rod Thorn buy Mikki Moore a steak or something? That guy looks like a Rastafarian alien on a hunger strike.
Mikki likes his snakes
New York
Nate Robinson must be stopped. We must deploy federal troops immediately in an effort to contain Nate Robinson. Nate Robinson is a danger that will continue to spread until he has inflicted all of us in ways that can not be imagined.
So, I’m white…and I’m writing a basketball column…it must be time for me to prop up David Lee as the Next Big Thing. Here we go.
(Cracking knuckles)
Seriously, he’s pretty good. When was the last time someone came off the bench leading the team (and most of the league) in rebounds? Is this really that unusual, or is my memory playing tricks with me?
Orlando
What a strange team. Grant Hill slides in and out of the lineup, routinely scoring 20 points a night while no one seems to notice. Dwight Howard, despite being perhaps the most athletically fearsome big man in the game, is somehow still not very frightening with the ball in his hands (Jan. 20th: 0-6, 1 point). On top of all this, the backcourt rotation changes constantly and sometimes without much logic. JJ Redick has seen about 5 minutes of total game action all year. (Really? Can he be that much worse than Travis Diener and Keith Bogans? Huh?)
Philadelphia
Everything is coming along according to plan….Got rid of that cancerous leech Iverson…Severed ties with that pungent scalawag Webber…Now the true glory of our team can shine through with minimal interference…Yes….Yes…. The Finals will be oh so sweet…. Won’t be long now…
Toronto
I used to really like a girl named Andrea. And now the Raptors’ candidate for Rookie of the Year is named Andrea. I’m not real sure how I feel about all of this.
Washington
…Trying not to write anything about Gilbert Arenas….trying…
I, for one, would like to see a public access show about politics hosted by Etan Thomas. My ULTIMATE dream would be a Hannity & Colmes-style show hosted by Thomas and another NBA player where they bicker about social issues, but I don’t know who would fill the Hannity role. I’ve been searching for a conservative player since David Robinson and A.C. Green retired, but there doesn’t appear to be a clear frontrunner at the moment. Hmm…Who would it be?
J.J. certainly exudes an Alex P. Keaton-type vibe
I’ve long had Ron-Ron pegged as a closet Bush supporter,
kind of like 50 Cent
Dwight would fit in with the Christian Coalition
These types of columns can be really hard to end.
Hey, look over there! It’s a stegosaurus!
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