It's Halloween and it is time us all to face our fears. You see I have a theory that every man has at least two great fears. (I say men because girls are afraid of everything. Haha! Girls...) For Austin Powers these two fears were nuclear weapons and carneys. You know circus folk. I am not ashamed to admit that I also have two great fears. In fact, they are borderline irrational fears. The first is for spiders. I can't stand them. I can't even be in the same room as a live spider. The second, is creepy little kids. You know who I'm talking about. We've all been at the movies and there is some creepy ass little kid whose mere presence on the screen makes you cringe inexplicably. The same type of cringe you get when you see a guy take a shot to the junk, or when you see an obese girl bend over to pick up her bag and her thong peeps out of her jeans. These kids immediately put you on the defensive, the sight of them makes you consider running from the theater in terror, or attempt to destroy the movie screen. I know I'm not the only one out there with a phobia about these little bastards. So at the risk of weeks of night terrors, I present my list of the eight creepiest kids ever.

1. The kid on The Shining -

A lot of people say that Jack Nicholson was scary in The Shining.... fuck that. Know who was really scary? That creepy little bastard who talked to his finger all movie that's who. This kid scares me more than any toddler ever should but you have to admit that he is one creepy little asshole. You know what? If I ever have a kid who turns seven and starts talking to his finger and screaming murder backwards in a high pitched shriek, remind me to just stab him repeatedly in the heart with a wooden stake and move on with life. Seriously. You think I'm being too harsh kid? Then stop writing shit on the walls while wielding a 12" knife and riding all around the house on your big-wheel running into ghosts OK!! Then maybe I won't kill you. Good Lord I hate creepy kids.

Watch a clip of him here. Be afraid. 2. Kid from The Grudge-

I've only seen The Grudge once. I know most people were scared by the girl who crawled down the stairs all fucked up and whatnot, but I just don't feel like I should fear anything from a 15 year old girl outside of a statutory rape accusation. Plus my fear is of creepy kids, not creepy teenagers. No, the real scary part of this movie was the creepy little a-hole with no shirt on and the black-hole eyes. Why is he never wearing a shirt by the way? Was this ever covered in the movie? Was he murdered while playing a shirts and skins game or something? Or are ghosts always really hot and he just figured he would go topless? I wish I knew, because for some reason the fact that he never has a shirt on freaks me out big time. That and the horrible screaming.

3. Haley Joel Osment -

Haley was just creepy enough in the Sixth Sense to lend him an aura of creepiness for the rest of his life. Now no matter what I see him in I always picture that freaky little kid who talks to dead people and always looks like he is about to vomit on someone. He has mastered a subtle creepiness that doesn't make you cringe in fear, but more makes you shift uncomfortably in your chair when you realize he is sitting across the waiting room from you at the dentist office. Now that Haley is grown, he has taken on a new form of terror..... The 'Bama Bangs!

Click here to watch the creepy scene from Sixth Sense

Teenage HJO rocks the 'Bama Bangs

4. The kid from Jerry McGuire -

Most of you out there probably think this kid was cute. Bullshit. This kid was creepy as all git'out! What kind of normal kid uses this phrase in a conversation..."Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?" What?!? What the fuck did you just say to me?? After I bone your mom tonight I'm sleeping with one eye open you creepy son of a bitch! There is no way you are chopping my head off tonight and putting it on a scale... NO WAY!!!

You're not chopping my head off you creepy SOB!

6. Damien from the Omen -

This kid proves my point more than any other on the list. He is the son of the devil. They didn't make him the crazy teenage son of the devil, he was the creepy as hell 5 year old son of the devil who makes old ladies kill themselves with his mind. That's right, his creepiness makes you want to commit suicide. Personally I would rather kill Damien than myself, but then again I haven't found myself face to face with Satan's offspring. Yet.

7. Gage from Pet Cemetery -

I don't know how many times I've told people not to do this, but this movie shows exactly why you never bring your already creepy kid back from the dead. They become incredibly creepy mass murderers who take sheer pleasure in brutally slaying their parents and the friendly old guy in overalls who lives across the street. All the while laughing and talking shit with glee. "I wanna play daddy. I already played with mommy, now I wanna play with YOU! hahahahaha!!" My high school coach had a son named Gage, and this movie freaked me out so bad I couldn't be in the same room with him until he grew past the age of 6. True story.

8. Carol Anne from Poltergeist -

Carol Anne is maybe the greatest of all creepy kids. She was so creepy in fact that she parlayed this trait into a three movie deal playing the same indescribably creepy kid. I imagine it had reached the point when adults would just scream and run in terror whenever they saw the actress who played Carol Anne (Heather O'Rourke) at the mall. Here is an actual quote from O'Rourke, "I'm really not afraid of spooky things. When I have to look really frightened, I concentrate on scary things like losing my kittens or something like that."

That's funny, I have a similar quote and it goes like this, "I'm really not afraid of spooky things either. When I have to look really frightened, I concentrate on scary things like YOUR SHRIEKING VISAGE!!! A-hole!"

Carol Anne imagines losing a kitty

Creepy kids aren't just limited to the movie screens. There are creepy kids all over the place, they are everywhere just waiting to stab you with a scalpel, unleash unholy ghosts into your house, weigh your recently detached head, make you kill yourself, or talk to their fingers then scream at you. Look around you. They are out there. They may be coming to your house tonight to scream "Trick or Treat" then kick you in the leap in the air and attempt to bite your jugular. Christ. Here come the night terrors.

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