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JT's Guide to Enjoying the World Cup
06/16/06
by JT

Cup Fever is here!!

Do we really care?

It doesn't matter how hard the marketing wizards at Nike try to force soccer and the World Cup down our throats, the general American public will never completely embrace soccer. Ever. We are just too different. The two of us can probably hang out together for awhile and even have a good time, but we couldn't be in a relationship or anything like that.

We as Americans, enjoy a fast pace and shootouts, wild west style. Soccer is a game of patience and little to no scoring.

We are a country based on the foundation that when you are knocked down, you pick yourself back up and keep plugging away. Soccer is a game built on the foundation that if you are knocked down (or if anyone on the field is even remotely in the vicinity of being able to touch you) fall on the ground and dramatically fake an injury resembling the amputation of one of your extremeties with no painkillers.

We believe that in a contest their must be a winner and a loser. We coined the phrase "2nd place is just the first loser". Soccer is a sport that embraces and even celebrates ties.

We, as Americans, simply cannot understand, justify, or stomach much of what goes on during a soccer game. It's similar to the fact that we, as American men, cannot understand how European fashion isn't only for "the gays". But that is a whole other article.

In the meantime, worry not DH faithful. The World Cup is not something to be only tolerated once every four years. In fact, it is something that should be celebrated and enjoyed, even if it goes against every fiber of our being as Americans. Luckily for you all JT has lived across the pond, and witnessed the world's most popular sport first hand. With this vast experience in tow, I have developed for you all a guide to enjoying the World Cup. Here are five facts and games to help you enjoy the World Cup this month.

1. Follow the hilarious names:

There are dozens of outstanding names in this tournament, but only one country has truly taken this to an entire, seperate level. Brazil. Sure you have your Gilles Yapi Yapo from the Ivory Coast, and your Lebo Lebo and Loco from Angola, and even your Yoichi Doi from Japan (remember back in elementary school when "doi" was a cool phrase? Like, "Are you saying that Poison is the awesomest band right now? Doi! 'Every Rose Has it's Thorn' is the sweetest song ever!"). But, the team that has taken the name world by storm is Brazil. It used to be that you had to have done something outstanding to earn single name status. Now just about every player on the team rolls with only one name. While single monikers like Kaka, Cafu, Gilberto, and Cantu are awesome, the best name in the entire tournament belongs to a young Brazilian who simply goes by the name of "Fred". Thats it. Just Fred. Can you think of a more awesome name for a soccer player? Or even a pet? A buddy of mine moved in with his girlfriend a few years ago and she wanted to buy a cat, his only stipulation was that he got to name his new feline nemesis. He named the cat Steve. Steve is a girl cat. I still think Fred is funnier though.

(This guy's name reminds me of a story from an ex-girlfriend whom grew up in the country of Malawi in Southern Africa. She told me the locals would name their children after English appliances. So there are children in Malawi right now donning the unfortunate names of "Microwave" and "General Electric" and their parents think that they gave them rare and cool names. Stupid Africans...)

Check out all the rosters here and come up with your own favorite names in the World Cup. After picking your most esteemed monikers, cheer for them appropriately.

This dude's name is simply "Love". Seriously. I think if there ever was a face that epitomized love, this is it. And of course by love I mean "prison love"

2. Clint Dempsey, of the US, becoming the first ever Rapping Soccer Player.

I know you are probably all confused by that statement. "Soccer players named Clint Dempsey don't rap!!" you will all admonish me. So I am going to re-issue it in something that all DH-sters should be able to comprehend.

Clint Dempsey aka "Duece", of the US, becoming the first ever Rapping Soccer Player on history.

Now that you know it is "Duece" rapping it makes more sense doesn't it. Seriously a soccer player released a rap song, incorporating a video in fact. Check it out here, but be forewarned, the rythym is gonna getcha....

What really makes him fun to watch is playing the voiceover game everytime you see him talking during play. Try this out next time the US is playing, you won't be disappointed. All I know is anytime a dude involves cockfighting in a music video, he has my heart...

Get them haters "Duece".... get em!

"Duece's rhymes and soccer balls, come straight off the top of the dome son!"

3. Angola's Awesome hair:

The Angolans have single-handedly destroyed the team record for most awkward hairstyles. Have any of you seen this team play yet? Seriously, It looks like everyone who failed the final at Supercuts moved to Angola and decided to become personal stylists to their international soccer team. It is incredible how terrible their haircuts are. But it is definitely entertaining to look at.

In a side note, am I the only guy who wishes soccer players would ditch the shoestring tied around the head for long hair and adopt the basketball headband? Imagine these guys with big red Nike headband around their melons? How incredible would that look?

Loco	Akwa	Lebo Lebo

A few examples of Team Angola's dominance of the "Awesomest Hair in Sports" Category

4. Watching the fake injuries:

Most people can't stand this. But I've never been one to go with the general consensus, and thus find it to be perhaps the most entertaining thing about soccer. I want to make my stance on this clear. I hate floppers. I can't stand them in every American sport and think that they should be summarily executed for being total pussies. But this is soccer, and soccer players have taken this to such an artform it is absolutely breathtaking. Watch as a player takes a fall after a phantom tackle and accidentally grabs the wrong leg in agony. Or when someone appears as though they have been shot directly in the back, looking as crucified as Christ on the cross, after a hard tackle. The craziest thing about this action, is that many of the players from these other countries have most likely been shot or shot at in their lives. The Ivory Coast is in civil war, Serbia & Montenegro, Croatia, Iran, the South Americans... these are all players from countries where they most likely have shot and killed a man. Actually killed someone. They most likely wake up every day, head outside, deftly dodge some random gunfire and go about their business. Yet when they have an opponent kick in the vicinity of their leg, they sprawl, flail, flop, and scream in pure agony to sell a potential foul. God it is outstanding!

Again this is a part of the game that will never catch on here in the States. Watch our team play, they get kicked, knocked down, and they get up and keep playing on. That's the American way. The rest of the field, they pretend like their shins were just blown to bits by an unmarked AK-47.

My favorite part about the fake soccer injury is when they actually bring out that hand held, WWII era stretcher to carry the player off the field. Once he (she) is off the field they are instantly and miraculously healed and hop right back into the action. Absolutely breathtaking.

An Ivory Coast player, despite obviously never being touched, appears to be shot in the back with a missile launcher. After 3 seconds he stood up, sprinted down the field and tried to score.

5. Make sidebets / invent drinking games-

Nothing makes boring things more entertaining than sidebets. With the possible exception of drinking games. Try a few of these if the action gets so slow you begin to contemplate stabbing yourself in the jugular with a Taco Bell spork.

- Can a team advance out of the first stage without actually scoring a goal?

Not only is it possible, it is likely this year. England won it's first match 1-0 despite never scoring. Their only goal developed when a player from the opposing team accidentally headed the ball into his own net. With the rare victory without actually scoring in tow, England can pull it off by tying the next two games 0-0 and not only advance, but win their group without ever scoring a goal. Soccer.... what a sport!!!

- Which player will be murdered by his own fans / start a war?

Most people will think this will be Gamarra from Paraguay after his own goal against the England. Not me though, my money is on Savo Milosevic from Serbia & Montenegro. Granted I have no clue if this man is good at soccer, but this could very well be the son of Slobodan Milosevic, former President of Serbia and considered to be a modern day Hitler. I have a feeling that opposing crowds won't like him, and if he even remotely screws up he will most likely be the victim of some pent up angst for the other Milosevic when he gets back to Serbia.

- The Saudi Drinking game:

Everytime a player from Saudi Arabia with a last name starting in "Al" touches the ball you have to drink. What makes this game so fun is that the Saudi's have 11 such players, so there is the distinct possibility that you will have to drink everytime anyone on the team touches the ball. What makes it even more fun is that the Muslim's don't drink alcohol, so you're getting wasted AND mocking a religion at the same time. What could be more fun than that!

- Which country will have the most soccer hooligans arrested.

Common sense would say to go with England as the founding fathers of hooliganism. It seems like a safe bet, especially considering the fact that they had the first 3 arrests of the Cup in which three hooligans touched down in Germany, immediately tipped over a car, were arrested and found guilty all in less than 2 hours. Very impressive. But keep your eyes on Germany and my darkhorse Poland. Polish and German hooligans aparently met each other last winter in a forest outside of Frankfurt, they brawled for nearly an hour, and after being arrested they admitted they were just "practice fighting" for this summer's World Cup. That is the kind of hard work that will move the Poles up the ranks to take on England.

- Try to guess the next song the crowd will sing.

My personal favorite is the England classic "Who ate all the pies?" which they sing whenever the opposition has a rather portly player. It goes something like this.

Who ate all the pies?
Who ate all the pies?
You fat bastard,
You fat bastard,
You ate all the pies!

This is a tough game though seeing as how most songs are either in a different language, or absolutely unintelligible. In this case, try making up your own words to the songs, they probably won't be too far off from the actual words.

Soccer can be fun to watch. When the teams have skilled players who are actually trying to score goals it can be very fun. But most of the time it is excruciatingly boring. So in these times pull out this guide and enjoy. Because no matter if you like it or not, soccer is going to be on TV every day for the next month. So at least try to have a little fun with it.

If for no other reason, watch the World Cup because you might see this girl.

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