 |
 |
 |
| previous column | next column |
How not to Foul Dwyane Wade
06/20/06
by JT
As the NBA finals 'Heat" up (that was a clever play on words, wasn't it?) Miami takes a 3-2 advantage back to Dallas, and I am in a state of disgust. While this year’s playoffs have been outstanding, a worrisome problem has arisen that the NBA will need to solve before next season. The problem is that, apparently, Dwyane Wade gets fouled every single time he touches the ball. Watch a game, it's true. Whether he is actually touched by anyone from the opposition is irrelevant, a foul will doubtlessly be called. In only 3 years, Wade has reached such an apex of superstardom and status within the harem of referees that they automatically blow the whistle if an opposing player comes within an arm-length of him. This is greater than the status level it took MJ over a decade to obtain. (Can you imagine what would happen if MJ and D-Wade ever had played each other? I imagine the ref's heads would simply implode from the pressure of whom they should give the calls.)
In game 5, Wade set a record with 25 free throws attempted and 21 made. This means that in 40+ years of basketball no one has been fouled as often as Wade was in this game. The entire Dallas roster took 25 free throws in the same time period. In the meantime, D-Wade travels, pushes off, and even commits backcourt violations as the refs turn a blind eye. But, God forbid, if an opponent should attempt to hinder Wade from scoring, the refs will step in and make sure Dwyane has two attempts at the free throw line to get those points. After all, if Wade misses a shot, or loses his balance, or has a shoestring come untied, then someone must have fouled him.
D-Wade gets fouled by two Mavericks... and his tights.
So I've spent the last couple days trying to figure out a solution to this problem. Not how to stop him, because that actually may be impossible, but how to avoid getting called for a foul every time you step on the floor in a feeble attempt at stopping him. I came up with five ideas, here they are.
1. Amputate your arms and legs- With no extremities, fouling would become nearly impossible. Nearly. However, if D-Wade was coming off a downscreen, looking for a 15 foot bank shot and you happen to be in his path, rest assured you will get whistled for the foul. Possibly an intentional foul. Plus you could potentially get called for a bevy of defensive 3 second calls thus sending Wade to the free throw line numerous times. Scratch this idea.
Quit hacking D-Wade, kid. Play some D
2. Every time he catches the ball, have a teammate handcuff your hands behind your back. This is a practice police have often used to keep criminals from physically assaulting them. It is time tested and true. The only problem in this case is that you still have the capability of moving your legs which means you will get called for a blocking foul every time Wade drives in your direction. This will lead to more "and-ones" resulting in more points and more commentators masturbating to his visage. This one's not going to work either.
3. When he gets the ball, simply lay facedown on the court and hope he doesn't trip on you. Hide your arms under your body and stare directly at the hardwood. Inevitably, he will eventually step on you and get a foul called in his favor. If you get into foul trouble, try switching to the fetal position whilst sucking your thumb. Hopefully your state of utter weakness and subordination will cause the refs to swallow their whistles. Most likely they won't though, you'll probably foul out early in the second quarter.
Shortly before fouling D-Wade, Brian Scalabrine attempts the fetal defensive
strategy
4. Have Jesus guard him. The refs couldn't call a foul on Jesus could they? Even if JC is a physical defender and bodies up with D-Wade a bit, maybe even hand-checks him a few times on the dribble, I find it inconceivable that any ref could ever call a foul on the Son of God. There has to be someone who can cover him one-on-one and get the benefit of a few calls, and I've got to believe that if anyone can do it, it's JC. On the other hand, Dick Bavetta is obviously a disciple of Satan and might have no qualms at all in giving Jesus a level 2 flagrant foul when D-Wade trips over his robe while trying to get to the hole. This one is a possibility, but in the end I think D-Wade still gets the calls. JC has been out of the league for too long now.
JC keeps his hands up to avoid a reaching call against
D-Wade
5. It's impossible. No matter what situation I come up with, I can still envision the refs calling a foul in D-Wade's favor.
The problem is, D-Wade is nasty. He doesn't need the help of the refs. But for whatever reason they have chosen him to be their new untouchable and the Mav's don't know how to play against it. Sure Wade hits the deck several times a game, but watch him closely. He literally falls on the ground after every single shot he takes. And if we were to start giving out free throws every time someone ends up on their back then Tara Reid would have more free throw attempts than Karl Malone right now. Basketball is a contact sport. The game gets rough, especially in the playoffs. I hope the refs can remember that the next two games and let the players decide the outcome. But don't expect that to happen. Because Dick Bavetta knows that people pay good money to see him adamantly call a blocking foul, not watch a game.
Dick Bavetta gives the people what they paid for
_______________________________________
Discuss this and any other column deadlyhippos.com column at our message board.