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National Spelling Bee Game Diary
06/14/06
by Clay
Anyone who's ever been eliminated in a spelling bee remembers the word they missed. Mine was "tomorrow" in the sixth grade. I gave it two m's and since then, my life has been in shambles. If I spelled "tomorrow" correctly, I could've been facebook.com's CEO and considering whether or not to accept a $2 billion offer for my company. Life is tough.
Seriously this tool is worth 2 billion. Do you think the photographer said,
"Do you want to get crazy. I'm thinking crazy...undo the top button."
So tough that in a recent column, I used the word "irregardless," which my friend Demko informed me is not even a word. After much diligent research, I can confirm he is correct. My column has reached a new low and our integrity and intelligence has been besmirched and befouled. I have only myself to blame. There is no justice in the world.
Demko doesn't know it, but if I spelled the word "tomorrow" correctly
in the sixth grade, my life would have been a primrose path of success where
words like "irregardless" didn't even exist. I would have been well
aware that something could be "regardless" but that adding an "ir-"
to the front of the word would just mark me as the spelling rube that I am.
There will never be any garlands of victory, no memorable spelling bee trophy,
no harem of willing women who serenade my every step with the willowing wisp
of silken lingerie and the sweet nectar of grapes plucked fresh from the vine.
Nope, I am me, and I can never hope to be the young spelling goliaths who came
to our televisions last Thursday night. But at least I could watch it.
Alas, the harem I will never have.
1. The National Spelling Bee opens with only 13 remaining finalists. In unison, all 13 place their fists into a circle above the camera and countdown, "1, 2, 3 ... spell." Somewhere back home, a hungry bully misses his lunch money.
2. The spelling bee makes solid use of Washington D.C. monuments to have the introduction steeped in the requisite august majesty. Luckily, they filmed this footage in the early evening as opposed to late Thursday night when drunken college interns would have been stumbling about all around the floodlights bragging about how their congressman only mispronounced their first name by one syllable. Welcome to Intern Summer in D.C.
The narrator gets carried away -- "The most decisive speller is being sought," he says. "Haste will abolish those who misspell." Nice use of the word "abolish" here as it's tautly connected with footage from the Lincoln Memorial. Personally, I was hoping we were going to hear something about how the winning speller could "Emancipate their inner demons of words gone wrong."
Abraham Lincoln explains how learning how to spell every word means you never
have to deal with one, S-E-X.
3. Uh-oh, host Robin Roberts looks like she was dunked in a make-up barrel by someone holding onto her feet. She's positively glowing. Somewhere, Dick Clark just broke his remote. Of course, the fact that the spelling bee is in high definition doesn't help her. Maybe she looks normal on regular stations. What doesn't look normal anywhere outside of Russia is that white denim jacket she's wearing.
Signs your life is spiraling out of control: your cartoon face looks more real
than your actual face.
4. Just what the teenage spellers want: Their parents on the stage with them. Even worse, when the spellers lose, there isn't even a chair for them on stage. So they have to share a seat with their dad or mom or sit on the ground. Wasn't this obvious in advance, especially for a generation raised on playing musical chairs with the same amount of chairs as players?
5. Rajiv Taricogla looks very serious. He looks like he just found out he had to decide between the seven year BA/MD program at George Washington or Maryland in five minutes.
6. Chris Connelly has gone from being on MTV to being the sideline reporter for the spelling bee. Ouch. Well that's okay, I'm sure the spelling bee after party is pretty similar to Madonna's.
7. A true story: The only word I ever spelled under pressure during my college
days in Washington, D.C.? Truly. My congressman buzzed me at the receptionist's
desk, "Clive," he said.
"Yes," I said. (As a Washington D.C. intern, you learn very fast that
your name is whatever someone calls you.)
"Truly," pregnant pause for dramatic effect. "Is it truly or
truley?"
Pause for dramatic effect from me.
"I'm pretty sure it's t-r-u-l-y without the 'e,'" I said.
That's how you end up being a three-year intern, ladies and gentlemen.
The congressman who will remain truley nameless.
8. "I don't know if I'd be as good as Nash," says Jonathan Horton, the first speller who almost immediately puts his turnaround jumper over the backboard during his feature story. Horton is convinced he could be an NBA player despite the fact he currently has a shooting stroke that would get him benched in a church league ... for six year olds. But he correctly spells "exergue."
Jonathan Horton's favorite music is christian rock and he was just in a math
competition. He may be Shaw's idol.
9. The spelling bee brings home how much older 13 and 14-year-old girls look than boys. It's like two different species. The really interesting thing is when you are a 13 or 14-year-old boy, you think you look really cool. It's only in retrospect that you realize this is the most cursed and awkward age of humanity. Luckily for these guys, they'll be able to watch this tape for the next 50 years.
10. There appears to be a priest assisting the word pronouncer. Is this allowed? Is the spelling bee sponsored by Catholics?
11. Rajiv, who still looks as if he is contemplating which BA/MD offer to accept, asks for a sentence featuring the word "rubasse" and this is it: "Gordon found rubasse at the mouth of the cavern." Seriously, is this the best the National Spelling Bee could do? When we had to use our vocabulary words in a sentence, my teachers would have marked this sentence wrong. It's almost as bad as my, "The bonanza was neat," gambit in eighth grade vocabulary.
What Gordon found in the mouth of the cavern.
12. Eighth grader Kerry Close is a "favorite" according to Robin Roberts. Are there Vegas gambling odds on the spelling bee? What about offshore? This would be spectacular.
13. By the way, I have still not spelled a word correctly. Neither has my wife.
14. Eighth grader Michael Christie is "the biggest surprise this year." Really? How does one become a surprise in the spelling bee? Didn't he qualify like everyone else? Or is he having to compete with a handicap, like not being able to use the letter "r" or something?
15. Saryn Hooks is 14 and could probably buy beer in college towns. There's a controversy now as to what she actually said. Wow, this is like an instant replay challenge except the speller has to just stand there while deliberation ensues. I think her parents should throw the flag. Evidently, she spelled the word wrong. There are now ten spellers left.
16. The countdown clock begins for the first time. Every speller has to finish before the clock gets down to zero. Am I the only one who thinks there should be a red light behind him that lights up so we can see if the last letter is uttered before the clock expires?
17. Charley Allegar has a mustache. Wow. He's in the spelling bee championship wearing a tank top with a mustache. He misspells his word and when he arrives with his parents, he chooses to sit on the floor. There is about a 90 percent chance that someone reading this column right now will work for Allegar in 10 years. Someone needs to do an early mustache/later success in life study. I'm convinced it's dispositive.
Honestly, I don't think you have any idea how crushed I was when Charley's picture
was sans mustache. C-R-U-S-H-E-D.
18. Indian spellers are like Kenyan marathoners. I decide to call my college roommate Krishna and ask him why. "It's because we are slowly exerting our dominance over the world," he says by way of explanation. "The spelling bee is just the beachhead. Like Normandy. Some people train with bullets, we train with words."
If you're interested in knowing more about Indian domination, just head on over
to this
website at the University of New Mexico.
19. Just before a commercial break, Halle Berry becomes the hottest person to wear a spelling bee necklace in world history. And the first with exposed cleavage.
20. Saryn Hooks returns to the competition because the judges made a mistake. What? Are you kidding me? She's the Lazarus of the spelling bee. "And those were definitely tears of joy," says former spelling bee all-star Paul Loeffler who is calling the event with Robin Roberts. Thanks, like everyone else in America was confused as to why she was crying. My hypothesis prior to Loeffler's excellent analysis: She just received word that her kitten had been run over. Evidently, there is more than one spelling for the word "hechser." That's ridiculous. How did it make the cut then? Maybe Hooks' parents did throw the flag. Good for them.
You're welcome.
21. How are Canadians allowed to participate in the American spelling bee? Finola Hackett is Canada's champion, and of course, they have her sing the Canadian national anthem during her feature story. What is America's fascination with the Canadian national anthem? Are we surprised it is different from ours? My wife informs me that we hear the Anthem all the time because, "The only music to ever come from Canada is the anthem, the Barenaked Ladies and Alanis Morissette. They couldn't play the Barenaked Ladies or Alanis Morissette during the spelling bee" she says, rolling her eyes.
22. Wait a minute, the word "hechser" was spelled incorrectly on the word list? And Saryn Hooks spelled it correctly? Someone has to be fired. Period.
23. Chris Connelly conducts a probing sideline interview of a recently eliminated contestant. His question: "Caitlin Campbell, what was going through your mind as you tried to spell that final word?" My question: Chris Connelly, what are the odds you are hitting the hotel bar for a long time after this competition tonight?
24. Proving that perhaps he could have been an NBA athlete, Jonathan Horton credits "God" for his advancement during his post-bee interview.
25. This one hit me really hard -- the old reliable rhyme, "I before E except after C" just failed me.
26. I attempt to spell a word and make the horrendous error of using the letter F. My wife says, "Basically in a spelling bee, there is never an 'F.'" This is such a sweeping statement that it baffles me.
27. The cameraman gives a five to a contestant. Is there no journalistic integrity at the Bee?
28. I have yet to spell a word correctly. Worse, about half the time, I haven't even started spelling with the correct letter. There are only four spellers left.
29. "Heiligenschein" fells Rajiv. A standing ovation ensues. "A tremendous show of respect for a tremendous speller," says Loeffler. Do you think Chris Connelly is going to get the transcript for tonight's show and mail it to Kurt Loder with "Don't ever leave MTV" written at the top?
Kurt Loder shares a laugh with a co-worker who was born the day he turned 52.
30. And then there were three. All girls: Finola Hackett, Saryn "Lazarus" Hooks and Kerry Close. I'm not sure, but I bet Pat Robertson is rooting for the resurrected Hooks.
31. How much fun would an NBA spelling bee be? Even better, what word would win? Or, what word would befuddle every basketball player? This would be classic television. We're on to the championship words, of which there are 25.
"I'm sorry Mr. Iverson, the defintion of satire does not include: "part
of a car." "
32. I've decided the announcer sounds like John Malkovich, which is pretty eerie. Is there any doubt that if the spelling bee stays on ABC, Morgan Freeman is going to end up announcing the words within three years?
Apparently this is derived from the Church of Morgan Freeman. In ten years I
will be the head priest.
33. Down goes Saryn Hooks, legitimately this time, although a part of me is expecting her to come back again. If so, in 1,500 years, there would probably be a religion named after her. Hooks' bio.
I'm sympathetic regarding this picture because by the time of the bee she no
longer had braces. Either that or she had gone clear. The braces would have
made buying beer more difficult. Not impossible, but definitely more difficult.
By the way, what are the odds that telling that story about two kids with braces
getting locked together while kissing would bring down the spelling bee contestant
house?...100% is the answer.
34. The final duel begins between Finola Hackett and Kerry Close. "Machicotage" for Hackett. Here's Finola's bio. It's nice to see badminton getting some love.
The braceless wonder.
35. "Recrementitious" for Close [bio]. The highlight is that Kerry is doing an independent study in marine science. What, she's twelve and she gets to do an independent study. My law firm didn't even let me shut the door during the day. Not that they should have let me, but still...
At some point in the future Close is going to think, if I had bangs I wouldn't
look just like Hanson.
36. I don't want to say I'm a loser, but I've made sure the DVR recorded the two shows immediately after the spelling bee so I don't miss the ending. This is what happens when Game 5 is going head-to-head with the Spelling Bee.
37. "Esquisse" for Hackett. "Clearly Finola can hack it," says old-time Bee champ Loeffler. When they review the tape, do you think someone at ABC is going to point out this line and say, "This was when your audience started sawing their wrists with plastic knives."
Paul Loeffler...apparently the halo surrounding his photograph is what happens
when the last time you got to second base was fifteen years ago after spelling
supercalifragiliciousexpealidocious (I know I spelled it wrong but I'm too lazy
to look it up).
38. "Psittacism" for Close.
39. "Maieutic" for Hackett. Forget spelling, it might take me 15 tries to even pronounce these words correctly.
40. "Aubade" for Close.
41. I missed this word because the DVR ended but Hackett spelled it correctly. Here is what I believe the word was: "Ackiepjtypnyeticious."
42. "Kannone" for Close. This is the equivalent of Ali vs. Frazier.
From the Loeffler cutting room floor: "Ali not only stung like a bee he
spelled like one too."
43. "Tutoyer" for Hackett.
44. Okay, the female early-teen khaki-pants wearing spelling bee version of Ali vs. Frazier.
Amazingly Kerry Close has already signed on for the Laila Ali fight.
45. "Izzat" for Close.
46. "Konie" for Hackett. None of these words appear in the Microsoft Word dictionary. If Bill Gates read this column, someone would get fired at Microsoft.
It would also mean that Bill Gates had spent the equivalent of about 50k worth
of time reading what I had to say about a three week old spelling bee. Somehow
I doubt this is how you end up taking over the world.
47. "Tmesis" for Close.
48. "Weltschmerz" means sentimental pessimism and Finola Hackett misses it. If Loeffler had said, "Finola couldn't hack it," I think Chris Connelly would have staged a coup to take back the announcing booth.
Connelly waxes eloquent about what winning an Emmy for sucking really feels
like.
49. "Kundalini" is spelled correctly by Kerry Close and we're one away from spelling bee immortality. Close's word is "ursprache" and she spells it correctly. After 19 rounds, we have a champion. "Yep, no 'F,'" my wife says with satisfaction.
Someone spent about a week making a flowery drawing of the letter F. Honestly
how scared would you be if you saw this thing?
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