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The Return of Signet Group PLC
12/13/06
by Shaw
I know you have all read with pleasure my story about Signet Group PLC, the best place to get your diamonds... popular subchains of which include Kay Jewelers ("Every kiss begins with Kay!"), Jared the Galleria of Jewelry ("It can only be Jared!"), and Shaw's/Belden/LeRoy's/etc. Jewelers ("Straight to the heart!"). I wrote that article a few months ago after a few minutes of Internet research. Now that Christmas season is upon us, we have been treated to a brand new three-pronged advertising campaign from the fellows at Signet Group PLC, including the "He went to Jared!" TV commercials, and the big push on "Diamond Journey Pendants," where "the diamonds get bigger to symbolize how our love grows!"
So I figured it was time for another go-round. First of all, let's take a look at the brand new Christmas product line from the folks over at SG:
The Three-stone Diamond Journey Pendant from Kay, standard shape
The Three-stone Diamond Journey Pendant from Kay, Pig-penis shape
A real pig penis (okay, I couldn't find a picture of a real pig penis, but I
heard this morning that Vietnamese Pot Bellied pigs really have a corkscrew-shaped
penis.)
There's something special about this pendant... it's just so beautiful... if only I could find a cheesy fake dialogue from a commercial to help me figure out what it symbolizes...
Nancy: Hi, Carol!
Carol: Hi, Nancy! What a beautiful necklace!
Nancy: Thanks! My boyfriend Bryan gave it to me.
Carol: Wow, it's so beautiful!
Nancy: I know. When he first gave it to me, I was so excited because I saw the box and I just knew I would love it because it was from Kay Jewelers. But then, when he gave it to me, he explained that the diamonds increased in size to symbolize how our love grows over time!
Carol: Wow, that's so beautiful. I wish I had one of those.
Nancy: What, a journey diamond pendant?
Carol: No, a boyfriend like Bryan!
(Every Kiss Begins with Kay!)
Wow. Remember that expression, "gag me with a spoon," from the 80s? Well. Since it's no longer en vogue to say that, maybe, "gag me with a pig penis" should replace it?
Here, Shaw's Jewelers is offering a great deal on their solitaire diamond earrings:
$39.99! And they have real diamonds in them!
Now, just to show you how great a deal this is, compare this price to the SAME EXACT earrings from Tiffany:
Okay, not exactly the same... but basically the same thing, only
with what appear to be real diamonds and set in platinum.
For $550! That's a savings of over $510! Sometimes, generic brands really are better.
Finally, I want to showcase another multi-stone diamond beauty, the three-stone diamond earring from Kay Jewelers. First of all, take a look at this thing:
The three-stone, kind of lopsided (!), earring
First of all, look at the setting! This is the model piece of jewelry, meaning the best one they could find in the store... and it's lopsided! Look at the middle stone, the setting is bent! That would be like hiring Lyle Lovett as a face model.
Jesus...
But the real root problem with this earring isn't the model they chose to represent it... it's the resemblance to:
They should call this the lego earring.
I was going to showcase the special offers from Jared for the Holiday season, but I went to their website, www.jared.com, in search of their Holiday diamond specials, and incredibly, their website didn't work. Count me severely disappointed... until I came up with the idea to actually go there in person. I asked my girlfriend if we could go in the next few days, to pretend we were shopping together and then take notes, like secret shoppers:
Shaw: Can we go to Jared together sometime and pretend we're shopping together?
KMK: Yes we can go to Jared together---although you have to promise not to buy anything.
So there it is... look for "Our Trip to Jared," coming soon on Deadly Hippos.
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