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The 13 Greatest Inventions for Men
12/15/06
by JT

The Holiday season is here and it is that special time of year. In that time of limbo between Thanksgiving and Christmas / Hannukah / Kwanzaa / Winter Solstice, It's the time of the year when we have moved past the question "what are you thankful for?" and into the "what gift do you want?" phase. This a time that I like to take for some reflection. I reflect on things that am both thankful for and that I want. And not just for myself either. No No. Not me, I'm not that selfish. I ponder on the things that the entire race of Man should both want and be thankful for. These are inventions for the male species that have changed us all for the better, things that we can never again live without once we have tasted their sweet nectar.

It is no secret that we Deadly Hippos are champions of the cause of Man. If you haven't yet grasped this piece of truth then I suggest you pick up a copy of Maniquette, then pick one up for your brother/ son / father/ nephew/ uncle/ cousin for a Christmas present. You can pretty much get one for anyone of the male species in your family or circle of friends. Just don't be surprised when they start working out, hitting on more women, drinking like an Irishman, and come at you like a spider monkey if you cross them.

In descending order, I present the 13 Greatest Inventions for Men:

13: Cheerleaders:

From High School to your early 40's, Cheerleaders have always given single men (and unhappily married men) a goal to shoot for and a fantasy to masturbate over. There is little about the Cheerleader that has not been developed simply to appeal to the male psyche. From the uniforms to the high leg kicks flashing that brief moment of a girls "downstairs", it has all been systematically developed to attract the male audience. And it has been a 100% success.

Hottest Cheerleader ever

12. The Remote Control:

I pose this question to all men in our audience: Remember your life in every detail to this exact point..... now imagine it without a remote control. I think you understand now. Things get foggy, they get difficult and messy, but with a remote all is easy and clear. This is the blessing that is the remote control. Now most of us have a remote that will control each of our personal favorites; A TV remote, a DVD remote, a stereo remote, etc. If you like to party you can even turn up the TV with one remote and the stereo with another. Others of us our lucky enough to be privy to the Universal Remote. A remote so incredible that it will control every single thing in our house and, some say, our universe. One day we will all be so lucky to have such a device. But even the most basic remote has made our lives simpler.... better. Just by allowing us to stay on the couch while we flip between the game and Baywatch Nights reruns. God bless you remote control.... God bless you.

How could you possibly change the channel without these?

11. Lesbian Porn:

There was once a time when pornography solely consisted of dudes with massive junk ripping away on hot chicks. And these were good times indeed. But eventually some Man out there, some genius, saw the light. "What if we replaced the dude with another hot chick?" Said this forward thinking individual. And thus, lesbian porn was created. And all Men have been better as a result. Or, at least we have had better fantasies as a result.

You try finding a work safe google image for "Lesbian Porn"

10. Condoms:

There has never been an invention to promote the influx of sexual intercourse greater than the condom right? I mean, after all what helps prevent the spread of disease, pregnancy, and thoughts of hesitance more than our little rubber friend right? Right??

If you nodded your head in agreement to the above claim than you are not a real man! Seriously, if we were supposed to wear a condom than why would there be such things as the pullout, or the "money shot"? Any true man would rather take his chances and ride bareback before putting on one of these soulless rubber monstrocities. There is a reason that man has always been well versed on the pullout, and it cannot be accomplished while wearing a condom. Condoms are for heathens, penicillin is for the rest of us.

Condoms; Succesfully deterring money shots for generations

9. Penicillin:

See above.

The chemical makeup of the wonder drug that made it stop hurting when you pee

8. Fantasy Football:

So many of us were gladiators in High School. We were warriors of the gridiron / hardwood / infield. Then we graduated High School and were left wanting (JT and DJ excluded). Several years ago an unknown mastermind figured out a way for all of us to compete again as though we were still warriors of the gridiron / hardwood / infield (JT and DJ included). This man invented Fantasy Football. Unfortunately, this man was most likely wasted and didn't think to trademark the sport. Now it is a billion dollar industry, and the guy who first thought of it has to pay like the rest of us to hang his hopes on Rex Grossman. A guy who sucks up the field for 6 straight weeks and when you finally bench him the last game before the playoffs he has a good game and you would have won if you had just left him in your lineup and because of this you miss the playoffs. Then you start sending death threats to his home address, slash the tires on his H2, and you hire someone to kidnap his dog..... um.... Not like that happened to me or anything.

Rex Grossman- Fantasy Team murderer

7. Strip Clubs:

Many will claim that this is the greatest invention in the history of Man. And you would be hard-pressed to find a real man whom would disagree with you. The Strip Club is indeed a male wonderworld. You have women dressed up in every single fascination of men..... Extraordinarily hot women, who eventually take those fantasy costumes off resulting in them being absolutely naked.... or down to only a thong (more on that later) Can you find a single thing wrong with that? Neither can I. The problem I do have is paying $8 for a Coors Light bottle when I know damn well I can buy 12 of them for the same price. The other problem I have is when your sitting there and one of the girls just walks up and wants you to put a dollar in her G-String even though she didn't do anything and you didn't have the money already sitting out there, like I'm just supposed to give her money because she is hot and standing naked in front of me...... actually.... F-that. Strip clubs are
awesome!

The "I don't want to tip you right now" pose

6. The Movie Titanic:

What an amazing cinematic accomplishment. This movie had everything.... It had all of the use of the new special effects, computer graphics, It had Leo, and a hot Kate Winslett. There was a heart-wrenching love story, the depiction of the struggle of lower class America....

Just kidding. Had to keep you on your toes here. And if you agreed with anything I just typed you are a total fag. And this is no offense against gay people, I have gay friends who agree with this statement..... If you really loved the movie Titanic you are either a woman or a total Gay......... Not that there is anything wrong with that.

If you're a man and you enjoy this picture then you are gay

5. Spring Break:

Let's pretend that you could invent a time and situation that would lower women's inhibitions to a point that the will not only flash their tits with the mere presence of a camera or a chant ("show your tits!" trust me it will work) but they will throw all inhibitions to the wind and hook up with any male or female they come across. Seriously, what sex do you think the person whom came up with the saying "what happens in Mexico/ Vegas/ Padre/ Havasu/ Lauderdale/ My Dorm" stays in Mexico/ Vegas/ Padre/ Havasu/ Lauderdale/ My Dorm was? It has everything... wet t-shirt contests, body shots, girls making out, booze... God I love Spring Break.

6 reasons to love Spring Break

4. The Grill:

A man has absolutely no place in the kitchen. This isn't a sexist statement, it is just an observation of the difference between men and women. Women bake things... men grill meat over open flame. Give us a slab of cow, fish, pig, fowl, elk, cougar, poodle or any type of meat for that matter and we will figure out how to make it not only edible.... but deliscious. Maybe we'll throw a little garlic salt and some salsa on that goat and it will be amazing. Add some barbeque sauce and some tabasco to that deer we killed and it will be the most succulent thing you have ever tasted. Just give us a beer and set us in front of a grill with a variety of meats and let us do our job.

Give me 15 minutes and this shit will be ready. Someone bring me a PBR

3. The X-Box/ Playstation:

Simply put, this is the greatest electronic invention in the history of Man. The same small box allows us to be football players, basketball players, war heroes, criminals, mob bosses, wrestlers, superheroes, our favorite movie characters, street fighters, and even small, mustachioed, Italian plumbers who jump on things, throw turtle shells at dragons, and collect coins in the basements of various castles. It basically allows us to do every mantastic fantasy in one sitting. And they even play DVD's so we can throw some Lesbian Porn in them.

From this...	... to this.

2. Beer:

The Keg, Beer-pong, shots, the beer bong, Quarters, liquid courage, beer goggles, barley, hops, "The Bar", even whiskey, tequila, scotch, and all other hard alcohol ..... Basically anything that helps you get wasted and/or gives you the ability to hook up with a drunken sorority girl, or gets you so hammered that you try to fight someone twice your size, gets you fired from your job, or makes you puke on a police officer is absolutely awesome. Beer is the lifeblood to men, and as such should be treated with absolute reverence.

God bless the beer lady

1. The Thong:

There has never been a single invention in the history of Man, Woman, Alien, or Egypt greater than the Thong Seriously, every single man on the planet is helpless against the power miniature material masterpiece. When we men see a thong peek above the safety of a woman's jeans we cower in reverence. It is a sight beyond beauty. It renders men helpless. We will conquer heaven and hell to obtain a glimpse of the rest of the glory hidden underneath them jeans.

If all women ever understood the full power of the thong, Men would be reduced to salivating slaves. We would be at the mercy of women and their beautiful backsides. That is until we see the next woman with a thong creeping out above it's jeans horizon. For you see, the power of the thong is such that even if we don't want to look, as men we can't help it. It calls to us with such power that we cannot deny it. In fact, no Man can deny its beauty. The thong is something to be revered and deified. Truly the greatest invention for men ever.

Well said thong, well said indeed

There you have it men. 13 things to be thankful for during this festive time of year, and if you don't have any of the items on the list, then you better ask for them as a holiday gift.

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