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Mike Shula's Replacement
11/30/06
by Clay
All across the SEC, fans are crying. That’s because Mike Shula
is no longer the coach of the University of Alabama. This is all
the more surprising because 11 of the 12 fan bases in the SEC were
fervent Shula supporters and because Shula had redefined the field
goal kicking legacy at Alabama. There was talk that pretty soon
the Lou Groza award was going to be renamed in Shula’s honor. Now
that’s completely out the window. So sad.
Gone will be the steely-eyed indecision, the clenched-jaw prior
to reckless handoffs into the center of the line, the fetal position
as the preferred method to keep from fumbling, and the coach who
you knew, no matter what, would find a way to lose each game that
he trailed in the fourth quarter. Some people say that reliability
is a thing of the past. I say that’s balderdash. There was no surer
bet than Mike Shula losing when he trailed in the fourth quarter.
The guys behind keepmikeshula.com are, predictably, in mourning.
Even though the site isn’t draped with pixelated black bunting,
it should be. Here is part of their advice on how to cope:
“Perhaps you feel that the Bear isn't listening-- that often your
cries for help seem to be unheeded. Your heart echoes the cries
of despair and desolation of the ghosts of Bama past, who kept calling
out to Bear for deliverance. Remember that that Bear answered them,
sometimes in unexpected ways, and not always while sober. Sometimes,
of course, you are meant to raise your crimson shaker and mix up
a fresh George Dickel your own damn self!”
It’s readily apparent that Alabama fans have reacted to Shula’s
dismissal with characteristic rationality and the complete and utter
modesty for which they have attained universal renown. The search
for Shula’s replacement has already commenced and rumors run rampant
on the message boards as to who the new coach will be. Everyone
has an inside source, a friend with connections, each message board
poster is eternally the third cousin twice-removed of the guy who
pilots the university plane.
Thanks to my newfound SEC street cred over the DDT I was able to
get a list of the top 11 candidates that the Alabama search committee
has vetted along with their notes analyzing the pros and cons of
each candidate. I have changed nothing from this list and replicate
it forthwith for your own perusal.
1. Bear Bryant- Pros- Won fourteen million national championships
and once wrestled a bear. Cons- is currently still dead (confirm?).
2. Jesus Christ- Pros- Once rose from the dead ergo long hours
are not going to be an issue. Healed the sick, made fish for thousands,
and other miracles. Plus, He’s been crucified so being burned in
effigy after He loses to Auburn for the sixth consecutive year will
not be painful. Cons- There have been suggestions that He gets the
benefit of the doubt because of who his father is. And we’ve been
through that already. After all, what has Jesus Christ done to really
prove himself on the sideline?
3. Bear Bryant- Pros- Won fourteen million national championships
and once wrestled a bear. Cons- After diligent inquiry, body exhumation
and shock treatment to remains, sadly, the Bear remains dead.
4. Moses- Pros- Pretty strong disciplinarian. Was involved in the
Ten Commandments. Cons- Rigid adherence to the Ten Commandments
makes recruiting harder. Also, he has a beard. The Bear did not
have a beard.
5. Shelley Meyer- Pros- Is rumored to be the brains behind Florida
coach Urban Meyer. This could help us in recruiting by dividing
the Meyer family. Plus, since we passed on hiring a black coach,
it would be quite a splash to hire football’s first female coach.
We’d be like that school that hired Goldie Hawn. And we all know
how good Wesley Snipes ended up playing for her. Cons- Is a woman.
The Bear was not a woman. Also, is pre-menopausal. We don’t really
want to get into that.
6. Bill Belichick- Pros- Supposedly this Super Bowl is sort of
a big deal. He’s won three of them. Cons- Bear Bryant would have
won, conservatively, thirty-three million Super Bowls if he had
coached in the NFL.
7. Allah- Pros- Who? Cons- Who?
8. Tim Tebow- Pros- Player-managers have been successful in baseball,
why not a scholarship athlete-coach? We’d be revolutionary. The
football equivalent of the electric toothbrush. Cons- Tim Tebow
doesn’t like us.
9. Ed Orgeron- Pros- Almost as unintelligible as the Bear when
he speaks. Cons- Could be charged with several felonies on any given
Saturday.
10. That coach from the Friday Night Lights television show- Pros-
Proves to everyone that Alabama can think outside the box (and inside
the teletube box too). That we’re able to adapt to new paradigms.
That we understand the long tail and how it impacts the rapidity
of globalization. (Insert other new-agey business terms here to
sound smart for media.) Cons- Football games aren’t won with newfangled
contraptions like the video cassette recorder or helmets. Everyone
knows they’re won with houndstooth hats.
11. Tom Berenger- Pros- Actually played the Bear in a recent movie
and is still alive. Also played Jake Taylor in Major League so he
knows the importance of turning a losing team around. Cons- Is currently
slated to star in the movie “The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey.”
Everyone knows there has only ever been one Christmas Miracle and
we aren’t even willing to hire Jesus. How would the boosters react?
…
The new season of Laguna Beach has ended. I was crushed. Particularly
because Tessa didn’t end up with a decent guy and among the final
shots were of her walking forlornly along the beach. This entire
season just brought home how much more mature girls are about their
high school relationships than guys. Girls are sitting around having
in-depth conversations about their feelings and what the guys are
thinking about them and guys are having high-fives with each other
over hooking up with the girls while they play video games and dodge
the girl’s cell phone calls. Actually, this is pretty much still
the case. I’ve spent at least three DDT trips trying to “accidentally”
bump my friend Tardio into attractive girls so he’ll talk to them
out at bars. We’ve matured a lot.
Regarding LB, reader Sarah emailed and asked: “What are the odds
that there is a love triangle featuring Kyndra, Tessa, and Cameron
next year?” Great question. The answer is 100%. Personally I’m hoping
that Tyler returns as well just so we can see the added sparks from
a guy who seems incapable of stringing together two sentences and
is comfortable with an adult nickname like Ty-Ty.
…
News has recently broken about Florida guard Corey Brewer succumbing
to mono. I feel for him as I also had mono during my junior year
of college. I lay on the couch for two weeks and ate ice cream while
I watched Real World marathons. It really wasn’t much different
from when I didn’t have mono except I had an easy excuse for why
no girls were making out with me. I think this is the first Florida
casualty of the on-deck circle being added to the Gator foursome’s
apartment.
…
Shaw recently asked, “Doesn’t Jim from The Office have ‘Bama Bangs?”
This is another excellent question. The answer is no. See, Jim is
virtually a dead-ringer for Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. His hair is,
not surprisingly, shaggy. It’s long and out of sorts in every direction,
front, back and to the side. If Jim got transferred to Dunder-Mifflin
Birmingham he would clearly not be a hit at Innisfree. People would
think he was a hippy and did really crazy things like vote Democratic
and read books. Some gorgeous girl would make fun of his hairstyle
and then go home and have sex with a guy whose bangs are longer
than her ponytail. Such is life.
I’m off to the SEC Championship Game for the final stop of the
DDT.
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