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Game Diary: UT v. Alabama
10/23/06
by Clay

For the second time this season I had a chance to watch a Tennessee game from home. I did so via DVR while wearing my Firemikeshula.com t-shirt in orange and white. Honestly, this decision filled me with self doubt. I kept thinking maybe I’d single-handedly lead to Shula coaching the game of his career. But then I remembered that Mike Shula is Mike Shula for a reason and I wore the shirt with pride. Like most SEC fans who don’t root for Alabama, I hope Mike Shula is on the opposing sideline for many seasons to come.

1. We open with Peyton Manning highlights from his game against Alabama. I still think our stomping of Alabama in 1995 41-17 on the road is my favorite UT game of all time. Just because it was such an absolutely vindicating achievement. Like being a virgin through high school and then having sex with Jessica Alba on prom night. Well, maybe Florida in 1998 was like having sex with Jessica Simpson. But it’s a hard decision (pun not intended).

Occasionally back in those days I used to think how much everyone else in the SEC must have hated Peyton Manning. And I would smile.

2. First shot of Mike Shula looking overwhelmed as he jogs into the stadium. Does Shula do anything with confidence? I picture him playing Battleship with white knuckles and his jaw clenched. Or does Shula go really safe and play battleship without any actual ships on the board so he doesn’t have to worry about ships getting sunk?

Obviously Shula is the guy in Crimson.

3. Is it just me or does it look like Gary Danielson and Verne Lundquist are being filmed in soft-focus while they wear makeup? Particularly Gary Danielson. This lens could even make me look dashing.

4. Every time I see a photo of John Parker Wilson (aside from his ridiculous Bama Bangs) the thing that strikes me is how dark the circles are under his eyes. He looks like he’s in perpetual recovery from a barroom brawl that he lost. Whenever I had circles under my eyes, my mom made me eat carrots.

There was a dearth of carrots in the Wilson household. Also of scissors.

5. Solid start for Ken Darby. We stuff him twice and he drops a screen pass. Honestly, I have no idea how a running back gets in a slump. This seems entirely reactive. People try to tackle you and you dodge them. If you’re still unconvinced imagine you were playing the politically incorrect ‘Smear the Queer’ game from the schoolyard and then one of your buddies suddenly forgot how to avoid tackles. Could someone have a ‘Smear the Queer’ slump? It’s like forgetting how to drive. How about this, Darby just isn’t that good.

Rumor has it the kid sitting down was in a STQ slump.

6. Jonathan Hefney breaks a punt return and almost scores. Wasn’t he supposed to be spectacular at punt returns and then he just disappeared? Welcome back Jonathan.

7. First shot of Erik Ainge’s dad Doug that I’ve seen all season. They’ve dialed back on this so far this year. Either that or Doug hasn’t been in person at the game. This shot is shortly followed by Verne’s first chortle of the afternoon.

8. James Wilhoit on for a 46 yarder which he pushes wide left. The Hobbit party just got a lot quieter.

 
Wide left makes mead taste like sweaty balls.

9. Jimmy Johns goes up the middle for over twenty-five. This guy has the perfect name for an Alabama football player. Why is it that Alabama has so many guys whose names sound awesome when you say them? I’d think of them right now if I didn’t have a legal brief to complete. Nevertheless, we’ve got Alabama’s offense exactly where we want them, inside our own 20.

10. So the guys who carry the Roll Tide boxes have now been one-upped by the guy wearing the Roll Tide box. Classy. Can this trend advance (decline?) any further? What I want to see next is an opposing fan actually eating from the Tide box with a spoon.

11. We drop an interception in the end zone. Then the Anti-Christ Jamie Christensen is good from 24 and it’s 3-0 ‘Bama.

12. Inky Johnson is interviewed on the sideline. Honestly, the entire Air Force game was a horrible experiment. I want a D-2 school on the schedule every year now that we have 12 games. Hope he gets well.

13. Arian Foster off left tackle for over twenty. He’s going to explode down the stretch. I think he got shoestring tackled because he saw this girl.

Or maybe I just wanted to use this picture. See, I’m impartial, I’m fair. I like Alabama people fine when they are hot women have abs, aren’t wearing tops, appear to have perfect breasts and wear string bikinis.

14. Ainge is picked at the three yard line by Simeon Castille to end the first quarter. This is a nice play by Simeon Castille. And actually, he’s a good example of someone with a name I would expect to play for Alabama.

I think Simeon Castille is included here based on my google image search, but honestly, this is the most homoerotic photo I’ve seen in a long time. I can promise you there will be no shirtless men photos that I take on the DDT. What male Alabama fan actually needs to see this?

15. Ainge to Bret Smith for forty yards on third and eight. We’re at the twenty again and seem to be making a home on the fringes of scoring. I’m familiar with this territory because it’s where I spent high school.

16. “If you win against Alabama someone will write a book about you.” So says David Cutcliffe. Maybe ten years ago that was true. Now it’s more like, “If you get hired by Alabama to coach football, you’ll get a Sports Illustrated article written about the time you went to the strip club.”

17. Incidentally how underdiscussed is it that Cutcliffe is from Birmingham. This is like Alabama’s own Steve Spurrier. And he was the personal assistant for the Bear. How was he not a legit fit at some point down there? Tough luck for ‘Bama.

18. Wilhoit is good from 27 and we’re tied at 3 with six minutes left in the game. This game has been, in a word, scintillating. Or not. At all.

19. Jonathan Wade is starting to get the benefit of being a man cornerback. He mauls an Alabama receiver and the ref is afraid to call it on him. Nice.

Welcome to the man club Mr. Wade.

20. Wow, what a huge stop by Erik Ainge on that interception. Granted a horrible throw. He had Bret Smith wide open in the flat. Still he managed to end the sixty yard return by Simeon Castille. Maybe Cutcliffe told him he’d have to watch film sessions of this game interspliced with shirtless photos of the Alabama secondary if the defense scored against him. For the record this motivation tactic would not have worked on Chris Leak.

21. Ken Darby now has seven yards for 0 yards. So Ken Darby and everyone watching this game in person and on television have the same number of yards rushing. Thank god Mike Shula is calling plays for Alabama. He runs a draw on third down. Then he chooses to kick a field goal from the one-yard line. Solid coaching Mike. I’m going to go out on a limb and say Shula is never going to win another game 6-3 in his coaching career. Yet he still coaches every game like he might. 6-3 ‘Bama and thank god Shula isn’t my teams coach.

50 to 1 that the words that just crossed this man’s lips were, “Kick the field goal.”  

22. What in the world is up with that Digiorno pizza commercial that features Steve Spurrier and one team is playing football in a dress? It’s almost like Spurrier saw what the commercial was going to be like and pulled his name from it but he’d already signed a contract with them. So they just sort of show him on the sideline seeming to call plays. I’m not even sure whether he’s coaching the guys in the dresses or the guys in normal uniforms. Does Spurrier need money this bad?

Steve Spurrier’s favorite pizza?

23. Half ends with another interception by Ainge. In his half-time interview Fulmer has readopted his glass-eating face.

24. So, this has nothing to do with football, but is anyone really going to not vote for Harold Ford Jr. because he went to a Playboy party? If so, please leave my state. I can respect the fact that you might not want to vote for him for other reasons but he’s single for god’s sake. My best recollection is that the deacons at my Baptist church were some of the biggest fans of Playboy on earth. Further, Nashville has more strip clubs and churches per capita than any city in America. And I’m sure at some point Bob Corker has seen a naked woman who wasn’t his wife too.

Harold frowns upon being asked how the deadlyhippos playboy commercial comments are likely to impact the Senate race.

25. I’ve gotten lots of emails from Tennessee people who are upset with Tim Brando for ranking Cal above UT. My response: would anyone know what Tim Brando’s rankings were if he didn’t do something like that? Also, Tim Brando has the kind of name of a guy who should play for Alabama too.

26. More highlights from the 1995 UT-Alabama game. This is a hugely good omen. If I were an Alabama fan I’d be cursing CBS to high heaven right now.

27. The camera shows UT fans dressed up for Halloween and Danielson says, “Well, the Tennessee offense was in disguise for the second half.” You get the idea that if you showed Danielson a donkey wearing a yarmulke he’d have a quip ready. Nothing phases the guy. Something like, “Incongruous pairing there, sort of like the fumbled exchange between the back-up center and the quarterback.”

28. Swain goes off with an injury. It must be a bad sprain if he can’t get better with a bye week.

29. Colquitt gets a punt tipped. Man, we’re lucky the Alabama guy didn’t lay out for that one. I think he blocked it with his chest while standing straight up. A truly blocked kick could have really killed Colquitt’s buzz.

30. John Parker Wilson finally gets sacked by Xavier Mitchell and on the ensuing punt Hefney gets tackled by the punter. Here’s the deal, we need Hefney returning punts for the rest of the year but also don’t really need to be risking Hefney returning punts with our depth in the secondary. I believe this is what the literary types call a Catch 22. Also, Hefney should get made fun of a lot for running straight ahead into the punter. I think I could have made this tackle.

Jonathan Hefney’s Match profile: 5’9 185, black male, good at getting tackled by punters

31. Oh man, Alabama interferes with Swain and the ref waves off the penalty. Never any explanation for this call which is ridiculous. There’s nothing worse in football than actually getting the flag thrown on behalf of your team and then getting it picked up without explanation.

32. Thankfully Wilhoit is good from 47 and we’re tied at 6. That kick just barely snakes inside the right upright. The Hobbits are partying again.

33. Odds on Verne Lundquist being in the training room beside Aaron Sears? Ten thousand to one? Imagine if you just walked in and saw this. I don’t know if I’d ever recover.

   
What if Verne also gets taped up for every game? Like his ankles or something. If he doesn’t he should start this.

34. Shula goes flea flicker. Nice call Shula. Wilson runs for his life. Shula’s like the guy who goes to the dance club, doesn’t dance for two hours, and then inexplicably you see him furiously doing the running man on the stage.

Meet Mike Shula.

35. Another dropped interception by us. Oh man, that could have been huge.

36. Wallace Gilberry of Alabama makes the tackle. I may be wrong in this but wasn’t the Gilberry somehow associated with the Gummi Bears magic jumping powers in one episode?

Not pictured, Wallace Gilberry.

37. Meachem makes a play out of absolutely nothing and then gets hit well out of bounds without receiving a flag. I always feel like sort of a wuss when I react to late hits out of bounds. Granted it probably should have been called here, but still, it’s not a very manly reaction to a football game.

38. Erik Ainge looks vaguely like me as he rolls to the left on a busted play. Every year there’s one play where I think, yeah, that’s what I would like on pretty much every play. Mercifully Ainge slides down.

39. Josh Briscoe gets the ball knocked out of his hands and recovers his own fumble. Every UT fan almost dies.

Briscoe continues the angry Vol receiver trend.

40. Ainge to Meachem, is it a first down? Nope, according to the replay official. I’m tempted to let Wilhoit kick from here to give us the lead.

41. Fourth and a foot and we get stopped on the quarterback sneak. Great. I’m officially nervous now.

42. John Parker Wilson inexplicably runs into the center of the entire UT defensive line and tackles himself after dropping back to pass for about a .4 seconds. Yeah, I think Shula calls that one, ‘Fetal Position.’

43. Wilson with the biggest garbage throw of the day into triple coverage and the ball is simultaneously possessed by both DJ Hall and Hefney. Just absolute garbage. Particularly because there are probably only thirty people combined in the states of Tennessee and Alabama who can even spell simultaneous. And those guys own motels. After the review, the pass is ruled complete. Danielson calls it “a pop up.” 95 times out of a hundred this is an interception or incomplete. Welcome to Alabama’s offense. “Curl into the fetal position…and occasionally throw hail-mary’s.” “That ball was thrown so poorly everyone was going for the football,” continues Danielson. Forty yard gain for Alabama.

44. Alabama scores via Tim Castille. 13-6 ‘Bama. A touchdown in this game suddenly seems epic.

Admitted: It’s hard to hate a guy who looks so friendly in his photo.

45. When it rains…LaMarcus Coker gets injured returning the kickoff. This probably won’t hurt us at all with games at South Carolina at home against LSU and at Arkansas coming up.

I feel like this is the curse of Coker’s hometown of Antioch, Tennessee striking once again.

46. It’s the fourth quarter now and this game is infinitely more stressful than I was hoping it would be.

47. Danielson: “One thing I’ll say about Alabama, they sure ain’t Georgia.” Ouch. I can just see the CBS phone lines lighting up in Georgia.

48. What a tackle on special teams but there’s a flag. Oh man, I’m afraid that this is a penalty on us. Whew, block in the back. Alabama is inside the ten. We absolutely have to get a stop.

49. Wow, that was close on Darby. We barely stop him on third down and then Hefney gets drilled on the punt return.

50. Is it just me or has Arian Foster suddenly added a ton of tattoos to his arms? Hopefully he’s not going to get one on his face like Mike Tyson.

Personally, I’m thinking about getting one of those really cool barbwire tattoos.

51. Wilhoit knocks in another field goal to cut the lead to 13-9. We rush to kick the field goal and barely get it off before a delay of game penalty.

52. In a nice bit of symmetry CBS switches between the Alabama shakers and the UT pompons. Further demonstrating that there is no practical difference between the two. I like to think this editing decision was inspired by me. But, of course, it wasn’t.

53. Very close to pass interference on Wade. But it’s not called because he’s a Man now. The refs owed us one anyway. Now Alabama has to punt with just under seven minutes left.

54. Oh man, there’s a feature right now on Jamie Christensen. This is truly saying something, but he has the worst hair in the entire state of Alabama. And he still looks like the Anti-Christ.

He should have stayed bald. Seriously. Please someone send me an actual photo of the new ‘do.

55. Ainge throws and it’s incomplete but we get a pass interference call. On the next play Meachem makes a nice catch for a gain of 27. All of a sudden I don’t want us to be too hurried.

56. Arian Foster is coming alive. First down at about the eight. I hope the new tattoos on his arms don’t make him more fumble prone.

57. Oh man, Bret Smith again right at the goal line. I want to type it. Bret Smith the touchdown maker…Bret Smith the touchdown maker. But I can’t. Smith is making a living off catching the ball as close as he possibly can to the end zone without scoring. He’s like a soft-porn actor on late night Cinemax. Thankfully I have HD so I’m certain that he caught the ball at least. What a difficult throw by Ainge. Across his body while rolling right. Verne brings up the Jabar Gaffney disputed catch.

58. Touchdown Arian Foster on third down. During the long review somehow I started thinking we had a first down at the goal line. Man, this saved me a lot of stress before the play. Everyone in Orange explodes and we have our first lead of the game. It’s 15-13 and then Wilhoit drills through the important extra point to give us a three point lead.

59. I hate that the Play of the Game happens with this much time left in the game. Not that I dislike my boy Bret Smith making the play of the game, but still there’s a lot of time left.

60. Great play by Xavier Mitchell to get Wilson from behind and keep him in bounds.

61. Then, Shula shows why he is Shula by punting. What’s the best case scenario here? You get the ball back at the twenty again with no timeouts? Worst case scenario is UT gets a single first down and the game is over.

Mike Shula on life, “See if you don’t put the battleship on the board, then it can’t ever get sunk.”

62. Someone throat slashes for UT. This is too much like Ainge doing the Gator Chomp for me. Almost immediately karma strikes by giving us a clock stopping five yard penalty for illegal substitution.

63. I’m screaming don’t fumble. Two runs in a row by Foster.

64. Then, crazily, we pass the ball on third down. Thankfully it’s completed and we make Alabama take their final timeout. Then we nail the punt returner thanks to Meachem getting down the field so fast.

65. It is really loud. Even from my living room on the DVR I feel like my condo is shaking.

66. Huge, huge sack by Antonio Reynolds. I’m screaming run clock run.With fourteen seconds left the clock is stopped after an incompletion and I’m feeling pretty safe

Antonio Reynolds welcome to the eternal glory and everlasting fame of the Deadly Hippos game diary.

67. Love it, love it, love it: a sack to end the game. Great for the defense. The best part of this was how John Parker Wilson just sort of took the sack. He bent over at the waist and just waited to be tackled. He didn’t fight or try to escape or get up quickly after the sack by Jerod Mayo. He just lay on the ground like the beaten man he was. Awesome. It wasn’t a pretty game but it’s still got the state of Alabama crying again. As they should be when it comes to the third Saturday in October.

The man, the myth, the Mayo.