Sort of like this except minus the suit and with a Razorback hat.

With that in mind, I decided to spend my bye week watching college football for approximately twelve hours and thirty minutes in a row. This is not hyperbole. And so I began at the ripe old hour of eleven a.m. with the Vols taking on Memphis. Fortunately Junaid and Mark Nagi were also at the Memphis game in person. Honestly, it’s pretty nice to just be able to sit back and watch a UT game on television again.

1. What happened to Sean McDonough? Did he kill someone at ABC/ESPN? Wasn’t he the top announcer like five years ago? I can just picture him crying silently in his Peabody Hotel room the night before this game while he locks his arms around his chest and keeps repeating, “I have the best nasally annoying voice in sports, I have the best nasally annoying voice in sport…” over and over again.

McDonough in happier times before the murder.

2. There is a 40 second lead-in to this game. Perfect. This is the shortest lead-in for any UT game I have ever seen. It’s almost like ESPN wishes this game didn’t exist.
3. Seriously, this game kicks off at eleven in the morning. I guarantee you alarms all over Knoxville were going off to get people up for this game. I didn’t set an alarm but I woke up about five times afraid that I had missed the entire game. It may be my imagination but I don’t think the sun has even risen in Nashville yet.

This is what the sun would have looked like if it had risen yet at kickoff.

4. How is it that this game is in HD but the Tennessee Titans games aren’t in HD? The NFL needs to get on this. Not that the Titans deserve to be in HD, but still, it’s the principle.
5. Memphis’ top running back isn’t playing for the first half because he was late. This fills me with questions. How is it possible to be late? Doesn’t every team stay in a hotel the night before the game? Did he just not answer the door when a coach knocked? Usually this means the second-string back will go for 100 against us.
6. We get our first mention of the 1996 game. Has anything happened in Memphis since this game? Seriously, it’s almost like the program hasn’t existed for the past ten years. Yeah, they beat us. Big deal. It was ten years ago. The internet barely existed then. Get over it.
7. Great open-field tackle by Ryan Karl on the reverse. Karl is rapidly becoming my favorite Vol defender.

If I were Ryan I would lobby Google to have a more flattering picture of me available.

8. LaMarcus Coker is my second favorite person from Antioch. If you’re not from Nashville, Antioch is the Beirut of Nashville. It’s much worse to be from Antioch than the inner-city because at least the inner-city is close to something. Antioch is bordered on one side by fear and on the other side by despair.

This is what every woman from Antioch looks like.    

9. We have to settle for a field goal; James Wilhoit is good from twenty-eight. 3-0 Vols. Does anyone else think Wilhoit has gotten way too cocky this year? I halfway expect him to start taking extra-points with his left foot. Pretty soon the other Hobbits are going to get tired of this attitude.
10. Chris Spielman is calling the game with McDonough. I thought Chris Spielman was actually bald. The fact that he has grown hair is very disappointing.

Chris’s wife rejoices over his hair.

11. Jonathan Wade mauls the Memphis receiver but somehow the pass interference call isn’t made. Things are looking good.
12. Ainge with a bullet to Bret Smith for the first down. I keep expecting for Smith to have a huge game soon with defenses paying a ton of attention to Swain and Meachem.

I’ll never get tired of this picture.

13. Offsides on Memphis after an interception return for a touchdown. Maybe this helps with the bullshit Florida hands to the face call on Leak’s interception in the Florida game. Leak’s boyfriend slaps him harder when they role play cops and robbers. Junaid texts me, “That was close,” he says. Indeed.

My friend Jeff claims the reason Florida fans booed Chris Leak last week wasn’t because Leak was black but because, “He’s a black guy with green eyes. That just rubs people the wrong way.”

14. Man the first quarter lasted about ten minutes it seemed. Opening of the second quarter with Coker darting outside as though if he runs fast enough he will never have to go back to Antioch. Junaid texts me again from Memphis, “My boy Coker looks good.” For the record, I have no idea when Coker became Junaid’s adopted son. I assume it’s still in the works.

The proud father.

15. Ainge to Swain for an across the body touchdown. If you weren’t screaming, throw the ball out of bounds as Ainge rolled towards the sideline, then you are lying.  Junaid texts me, “There were at least 20,000 UT fans yelling at Ainge to throw the ball away.” He doesn’t. 10-0 Vols.
16. Demetrice Morley absolutely destroys Antonio McCoy of Memphis on a screen. Then Memphis boos after they run the Tennessee Draw on third and twenty-three to gain five.

Word is Demetrice has such great vision he plays with his eyes closed to make it fair for everyone else.

17. Fumble by Coker. If we could have scored there this game is probably over.
18. UT defense with the stop. On the resulting punt, I play instant replay detective and pause my DVR with Memphis’s special teams player touching the goal line at the same time he is touching the football. Unfortunately this doesn’t get reviewed. For the record, every single viewer at home with a DVR probably has a better view than the instant replay people do.
19. Ainge to Meachem for 43 yards. Uh-oh Meachem looks gimpy. This is what I’ve been worried about, one of our key guys getting hurt the week before Georgia.  Junaid texts me, “It’s amazing what one offensive coordinator can do for a football program.” Indeed. David Cutcliffe is a god.

David Cutcliffe gives his best estimate of the length of his penis.

20. Memphis coach Tommy West gets a water bottle from a Memphis student manager and the lid isn’t screwed on tightly so he soaks himself. The look on the manager’s face is perfect. West’s shirt is soaked. You have to be a bad former student manager to even recognize this.

West back when his team liked him.

21. Wilhoit drills a 49 yarder with twenty-two seconds left to give the Vols a 13-0 lead. It makes no sense that Tommy West didn’t call a timeout prior to this kick. Am I the only person who is starting to think West looks like that high school gym teacher who just rolled out the basketballs and took a nap in the bleachers?

Like this guy.

22. McDonough seems content to drive UT fans crazy by describing the kickoff that Memphis returned for a touchdown. And it wasn’t even a legit touchdown. He should have been ruled down. It’s halftime.
23. I do what every orange-blooded UT fan does during halftime. I put on this week’s Laguna Beach.
24. So this Cami and Kydra massage scene is unbelievable. Great camera work from underneath the massage table. It’s like Orson Welles meets spoiled California teenagers. Wait a minute, I’ve already seen this one. This is the Cameron’s birthday episode. Pretty soon Tessa is going to find out that Cameron and Jessica are a couple. That’s no fun. This was supposed to be the winter formal episode. Man, I am bummed.

   
Welles in deep contemplation over the appropriate cinematography for LB season three episode six. Then voila. Cami from under the table.

25. So, of course, I watch last week’s episode again. This conversation between Kyndra and her college boyfriend Tyler (who she affectionately calls Ty-Ty) makes it all worthwhile.

Kyndra: “I can’t believe we’ve known each other for two years. I feel like I’ve known you for so much longer.” (Yeah, two years is such a long time. I don’t think I even own a pair of flip-flops that is newer than two years.)

Ty-Ty: “Yeah.” (It seems possible that Ty-Ty has not had a deeper thought than yeah in the last five years.)

Kyndra: “I was fourteen when I met you.”

Ty-Ty: “And I was seventeen or sixteen?”

Kyndra: Laughing. Then with confidence, “You were eighteen.”

Ty-Ty: Uncertainly shaking his head. “I was seventeen when I met you.”

Kyndra: “Dude, you’re crazy.”

They get served peas.

Kyndra: “Isn’t that weird to think that you’re already in college and not in high school any more?”

Ty-Ty: Glances down at his leather wristbands. “Why is it such a big deal that you need to bring that up?...I thought that we were beyond that whole isn’t it weird that you’re in high school and I’m in college thing…Anyways, do you wanna change the subject and just talk about something else. Because you just fucking ruined it. Flat out, ruined it.”

I’ll tell you what wasn’t ruined, this dialogue. It’s scintillating.

   
Kyndra

26. Wait, this is confusing, I also have the first half of the Winter Formal episode. Score. Kyndra: “But seriously, let’s hope we get through the Winter Formal without Tyler (Ty-Ty) killing me.” Then the music. I absolutely love the Laguna Beach music. Further confession, I sing along. This drives my wife crazy. Sometimes she says things like, “You’re a twenty-seven year old lawyer you know?” Once she said, “If you were on Laguna Beach, they wouldn’t even show your name on the screen.” That one really hurt.
27. The best thing about Laguna Beach for me is comparing it to my own high school. I never went to eat anywhere better than Wendy’s. I’m not sure anyone ever went on a date that didn’t involve going to the movies or hanging out at my friend Doug’s house. The only time water was involved was when we would swim at Doug’s condo pool that was like three feet deep and eight feet long. One entire summer, and this is completely true, all we did was sneak onto MBA’s football field to play soccer and watch movies at Lion’s Head movie theater. Yet, every time I watch an episode of LB they are eating in restaurants that I still can’t afford to take my wife to, dancing at parties that I still don’t get to go to, and surfing in the ocean. And the guys all look older than me. Man, I’d still be a loser at in Laguna Beach and I’ve been out of high school almost ten years.
28. Apologies for that digression. Ok, second-half kickoff. Ainge is now 16-19 after he completes his first pass.
29. LSU is up 35-3 on Mississippi State. And Ole Miss is horrible. If you cut out the state of Mississippi from the SEC, the top 1-10 teams in the SEC have probably never been better. Actually if you cut out the state of Mississippi from the union the top 1-49 have probably never been better either.
30. Ainge to Swain from 51 yards out. Credit where credit is due, this was all Ainge making a play. The short men were all covered. 20-0 Vols.

Jayson Swain contemplates how his name ever ended up with a y.

31. The announcers have been obsessed all game with the fact that Memphis’s Joseph Doss didn’t play in the first half. It’s not like this guy was Barry Sanders or Walter Payton. He was the sixth leading rusher in Conference USA. I might be able to be the seventh leading rusher in Conference USA.

Joseph “Walter Payton Barry Sanders Herschel Walker” Doss

32. As I’m about to post this, I just found out that the reason why Doss was suspended, “Doss said he normally uses his cell phone as an alarm clock but couldn't after he dropped the phone in the toilet.” This is completely serious. I mean, couldn’t you just lie about the reason. Everyone is lying if they say they say they haven’t almost dropped the cell phone in the toilet, but still, admitting it? The whole cell phone in the toilet business might well sum up the 2006 Memphis football campaign. I mean can you imagine this happening to Kenny Irons of Auburn before the Georgia game?

This is a dramatic rendering of what Mike Doss’s cell phone in the toilet might have looked like.

33. Another three and out for Memphis. This could get ugly. Tommy West looks like he’s having a root canal without novocaine.
34. Ainge to Meachem on third and six for an 84 yard touchdown. Meachem is back in the game which is a positive but then he pulls up at the end. I don’t even care anymore about this game. Let’s get him ready for Georgia. Great downfield block by Bret Smith. And nice cuts by Meachem. It’s 27-0 and this game is officially over. I’m in that stage in the game where you expect everyone’s season to end on the next play. I want this done. Junaid texts me, “Let’s get ready for Georgia,” he says.

The trend continues.

35. Pick by Jonathan Heffney. This game is as thorough of a beating as I’ve seen by UT in a long time. Outstanding.
36. We get stopped on the one-inch line on fourth down. Odds on scoring with our defense are high. The third quarter ends with Memphis lined up to attempt to get their third first-down of the game. Yep, third. We stop them.
37. Memphis’s punter, Michael Gibson, is by far their most valuable player. If he wasn’t drilling seventy yard punts we’d be winning by fifty. And if he weren’t an anti-semite he’d still be making movies in Hollywood. Wait…I’m confused.
38. Confession: I got Chris Spielman and Chris Zorich mixed up. Apologies to Spielman. His hair looks great.

Who I thought Chris Spielman was.

39. Our third down offense is working just as well with all back-up receivers in the game. Ainge is throwing darts. Let’s score and get him out of there.
40. Bret Smith the touchdown maker…Bret Smith the touchdown maker…Bret Smith the touchdown maker. It’s taken a long time to write this again. Ainge with his fourth TD pass. He’s now 23-27 for 324 yards and four touchdowns. And a couple of those passes were intentional throwaways. 34-0 Vols.
41. Did anyone else almost lose it when Spielman just side, “The difference here is this guy,” and then held up ten fingers to represent Erik Ainge? Great visual. I’m sure this will make the ESPN how to announce video. The announcers pretty much give up on this game and start pumping Ohio State and Iowa.
42. Sakes alive. Memphis with their best offensive play of the game. We roughed the passer. First down Tigers.

I was just interested in what sakes alive would show on google image search. Enjoy.

43. Memphis calls a timeout after they’ve already run the play on fourth down. Then they run the same play again after the timeout and get stopped on fourth down. Solid coaching by Tommy West. This is the gym teacher equivalent of turning out the lights while the kid with the broken leg writhes on the basketball floor. On the positive side for UT, it’s good to see the Vols finally stop a white guy on a quarterback sneak.
44. Jonathan Crompton to Quentin Hancock for twenty-seven yards. UT now has 543 total yards and Memphis has 73. This is officially the worst beating I’ve seen by UT of an opponent in the last five years. It’s pretty refreshing to be dominant again. Now I know what John Travolta felt like when he suddenly saw the Pulp Fiction script after a long walk in the wilderness.

45. McDonough takes a shot at Ole Miss, “I think of all the firings in the last decade in college football that was the most ridiculous and stunning to me.” Then continues, “Apparently Ole Miss kind of forgot what their history had been in recent decades. And they fired not only a guy that had been successful but one of the real gentlemen in the sport.” Maybe somebody at Ole Miss got McDonough demoted? Nevertheless, he’s right.
46. David Yancey with a nice ten-yard run after a fourth down conversion by the Vols, It’s 41-0.
47. Things are really breaking my way: the new episode of Laguna Beach is recording.

I’m rooting for you Tessa.

48. Memphis scores after a fumble by the Vols. It’s 41-7. This Memphis touchdown is the touchdown equivalent of being the last guy to show up for the gang bang.
49. Bring on Georgia. Can’t wait to watch this game.

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