For many people life and sports are interchangeable. They seem to feed off each other in some sort of symbiotic relationship. But what if they somehow melded together and became just like each other? What if you could sub people into real life scenarios? Pulling out the weak link in the game, the guy who has no D, the guy who misses clutch free throws, etc., and putting in someone famous to fill the void. A go-getter, a playmaker. Someone who redefines the word clutch. I got to thinking which famous actor would I sub in if a real life emergency came up; whom I would pull from the bench? If you could have a sub in a sticky life situation who would it be? In keeping with our theme of prime numbers, here are 5 random scenarios pulled from a hat of 31 (also prime) scenarios and my pick for the chosen one.

Scenario 1: You are on Death Row and you can pick one person to persuade the governor for a pardon.

Hands down it would have to be Morgan Freeman. The Morgan in Seven and The Shawshank Redemption . The man could sell a rubber to a nun if he is on his game. He has the persuasion of a pimp, yet he is also cold as a hooker’s heart if need be. If the inflection on in his voice strikes the right chord, the pardon would come gift wrapped in no time. He is pretty much the Sixth Man of the Year on my bench, and technically, could work for many of the aforementioned scenarios. Seriously, is there anything this man can’t do? Really this answer needs no explanation, and if it does then you are on the wrong website.

Scenario 2: You are in a bar trying to score, yet your wingman keeps making it harder by not doing his job.

A good wingman is one person that is always down to take on for the team if necessary. A good wingman never hates on you, has the versatility to land any chick at any time, and has your best interest in mind. She’s 215 with no self-esteem? So what. He can make her feel like a steak in a lion’s den. His facial expression never gives the slightest inkling of doubt, all the while setting screens to get his teammate open. Most importantly, a guy and his wingman must be able to communicate with each other with any visible means of contact, like they were reading each other’s minds. Taking time to go to the bathroom for a progress report not only looks gay, but wastes valuable time and gives the prey ample time to escape for one reason or another. If the full court press in working, stay in it: 40 minutes of hell, don’t give them time to breathe. That being said, no other actor encompasses this better than John Travolta in Be Cool, The Punisher, or Pulp Fiction. Tell me how this would fail. It wouldn’t. It can’t. Travolta is money in these situations, a stone cold killer, a closer, a dealmaker. Plus he’s not overly good looking so he wouldn’t end up boning both chicks or stealing yours. He looks like the everyman, yet he has a skill set that this world has never seen. Travolta, the ultimate wingman.

Scenario 3: You are down at the half by a million. Morale is low, and you need a kick in the balls speech to come back and win.

Another no brainer, almost too easy. Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday, Two For the Money, Devil’s Advocate…do I need to go on? This dude could make Stephen Hawking run a 4.3 40-yard dash, get drafted by the Raiders and turn the win the Super Bowl his rookie year. If his speeches don’t chill you, you don’t have a competitive bone in your body. A far second would be Rocky’s trainer Mick in Rocky 5 (“Get up you son of a bitch, ‘cause Mickey loves ya’”) but he would have a hard time holding the teams’ attention the whole halftime period. Pacino could bring you back from the dead with that gravel-like voice and his charisma. The resonance and sheer will power in his voice hits you like an Albert Pujols swing, then he brings you back to life with a speech that would make Vince Lombardi queef swiss cheese. The only thing left to do is call the ambulance to pick up the scraps left from what was your newly devoured opponent. Thanks Al.

Scenario 4: You are hammered and you can’t get it up. You can’t let the chick know how lame you are because you’ll never get laid again…you need a stunt cock NOW.

Don’t panic. It’s pitch black and she’s so wasted she won’t tell the difference. Scan down the bench. You don’t need to win the Oscar tonight, just get a callback. Then you see him down at the end, with that, “Put me in coach I’m ready to play!” look on his face. It’s John Stamos. Not the one from Full House, but the real one. He was good enough to get a hot wife, but not quite good enough to keep her. That’s what you want. And he won’t set the bar too high for you. He’ll go in there, do his job, hi-five you on the way out and say, “Thanks for the opportunity coach”, because that’s the kind of guy he is.

Scenario 5: It’s 30 seconds until the toast, and your lambasted best man is no where to be found.

It later turns out he was banging someone’s random hot cousin in his hotel room so you end up forgiving him, but at the time you are seething with anger. Once again calm down. Use your bench, that’s what it’s there for. You point to your right shoulder and nod, and in checks in Christopher Walken, the one from Suicide Kings with a sprinkle of Last Man Standing for good measure. His speech will only consist of two paragraphs, yet it will last 15 minutes because of the way he talks. When Walken speaks, people listen. Or they get so scared they soil their undergarments. Either way it will be the single greatest speech in the history of mankind. His steely gaze is harder to break than Rosie O’Donnell’s balls. The reception will be captivated, and you will be satisfied with yet another great coaching move.

There are other scenarios as well that I wished I had picked out. Like “You are outrunning the cops by car dodging through LA traffic, the person you want driving is…” and several others of the same ilk. But hey, that’s where HippoNation comes in. Send us in or post your scenarios on our message board.

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