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T-Shirts: A user's guide
10/25/06
by Shaw

I wrote a column a few months ago about my favorite T-shirts that I don't own. In most cases, I was being tongue-in-cheek. (Surprise) I don't actually want to own any of the shirts listed therein, except, of course, for the "Stupidity isn't a crime... so you're free to go" shirt. But being a graduate student, the T-shirt really is an essential wardrobe item. Outside of school, most of my time is spent either at casual bars or at indie rock concerts... for both of which the T-shirt really is the apparel of choice. As such, I present to you the unofficial rules of T-shirt wearership in each of these places.

At School

Although right now, I am clad in a sweater and sportcoat because of the cold, underneath it all, I am still faithfully wearing a T-shirt. This is because there is really no reason to wear anything other than a T-shirt when you are in graduate school. No one cares what you wear and what you look like; in fact no one cares about you at all. Graduate school is the best place in the universe to hide out for 6 years... a homeless person would not look out of place in any of my classes. (Maybe this is specific to Mathematics grad school, I can't say for sure). Sure, occasionally there is a need for something slightly nicer, like when I gave my preliminary oral exam two years ago, I put on a polo shirt, and on the first day of class when I am teaching, I sometimes turn my T-shirt inside out so the logo isn't showing, but in both of those cases, in order to dress down the rest of my outfit, I wore the same pants I used to paint my parents' house 10 years ago and went barefoot. Otherwise, I would have looked crazy.

The best option for T-shirt wearing in a Mathematics department is a shirt that actually has a math reference on it. Unfortunately, until very recently, Maryland did not have their own Math Department shirts with math references, and certainly no math jokes. So we were relegated to outside sources for our math shirts:

BTW the answer is 40	Pumpkin Pi
A true statement	And another pun

I have seen all of these shirts in various forms in the math department, and that's fine. However, in order to make sure that there were at least some in-house shirts, my second year, I collected support from the students to get some Maryland representation on the shirts. Since none of the above shirts are acceptable outside of a math department, I thought it best to make sure that we also had some versatility. Please note the fine photography; these are all photos of me wearing these shirts:

Of course, no non-math shirts are allowed in the Math Department. Right now I am wearing #2.

At the Bar

Here, the rules are blurred a little. First of all, these rules apply only to guys. Girls are generally less likely to wear T-shirts out to the bar, mostly because the majority of T-shirts are not designed to be flattering to the woman's body. Much more appropriate are skintight tank tops or shirts that look like T-shirts because of the T-shape, but which are usually referred to as "tops" and are logo-free. Or an outfit like this:

The ref costume gives her power of arbiter of all things, as if she didn't have it already...

For guys, the rule is to either keep it simple and low-key, or, only if you can back it up, make it gimmicky.

For instance, some people choose to wear a shirt from their college:

This is fine: the design is undistracting and not outlandish, and most women seeing the shirt would assume you went to college, which means that you are probably not a deadbeat (of course this assumption is false; as a counterexample, I went to college... also, not going to college doesn't make you a deadbeat, in fact you're probably smarter for not wasting your money). The shirt also provides a natural talking point for bar conversation which may or may not lead to... well, you know.

Some people also choose to wear a shirt from someone else's college:

In general, this is a bad idea. First of all, what if you didn't go to Harvard? You'll sound like a jackass when a girl asks you if you went to Harvard and you have to say, "no, actually I went to Kenesaw Mountain State Technical College." Definitely a conversation-ender. On the other hand, if you did go to Harvard, it means you are probably a rich egotistical prick who thinks he's going to be president someday. As I write this I am realizing that this probably won't deter most women...

And some people choose to just wear the college shirt:

Only one person can pull this shirt off, and he's dead... so if you see someone wearing this shirt who is not John Belushi, don't talk to him: he is an asshole. If you see someone wearing this shirt who is John Belushi, seriously, run away, because that guy is a living dead zombie who may or may not choose to devour you whole in lieu of having sex with you.

On the more outlandish side of things are the shirts that have purposefully cocky messages on them - anything from the Busted Tees line of shirts is an example, or my other two favorites:

These shirts work well with a witty guy who can turn a girl's inquisitive glance into a conversation making it clear that they both think the shirt is funny.

Unfortunately, the gimmick shirt fails whenever the guy wearing it is totally unable to back it up with self-confidence and alacrity. For instance:

Girl (G): So... are you really big in Europe?Dude (D): Um, no, the shirt's a joke, sorry.G: Right... okay, are you big anywhere?D: Um, I dunno, like, I guess, maybe.

G: Wanna buy me a drink?

D: Err, like, I dunno, I guess, maybe.

G: Forget it.

(Incidentally the part of the Dude in this dialogue was played by me, like every night of my life.)

At Indie Rock Concerts

Everyone has either seen PCU or unwittingly quoted it... Gutter is about to go to a Melvins concert, and he's wearing a Melvins T-shirt, and Droz says to him, "Don't be that guy" (which, apparently, was an improvised line). Certainly, this is true - you never wear a shirt for the band at their show... but at indie rock concerts there is a much more subtle line. Here is an attempt at a more complete set of guidelines:

1. You may not wear a shirt of the band you are seeing at their show. (e.g. no Sufjan Stevens shirts at a Sufjan Stevens show)
2. You may not wear a shirt for the record label of the band you are seeing. (e.g. no Asthmatic Kitty shirts at a Sufjan Stevens show)
3. You may not wear a shirt from a similar band (e.g. no Belle and Sebastien shirts at a Sufjan Stevens show).
4. You may not wear a shirt from a band that has attained mainstream popularity at an indie rock show, where "mainstream popularity" is defined as either being featured recently on the cover of Rolling Stone, Spin, or NME (within the last four years), being significantly rich, going on an arena or stadium tour (even as an opener), or being featured more than once on any NPR show. (e.g. no Sufjan Stevens, Cat Power, or White Stripes shirts may be worn at any indie rock concert). An exception is made for shirts advertising bands that are now mainstream-popular but the shirt itself is a decade old. Hence a White Stripes shirt advertising their self-titled debut album, which few people own, is acceptable in some cases. The four year rule for magazine covers is meant to exempt deserving bands like Guided by Voices, whose indie cred is back to its original level after breaking up a few years ago.
5. An exception to the exception is that you may absolutely not wear the shirt of a band that can be construed as having sold out, ever. For instance, no Pearl Jam shirt can ever be worn again, so you might as well burn it. If you make a shirt with a picture of yourself burning your Pearl Jam shirt, you might be able to slide in as long as the photo is clear enough (which it probably won't be, since you're at an indie rock show, so you have to pretend to be poor and thus should eschew good craftsmanship at all costs).
6. You may wear a shirt from another band on the same record label, as long as you don't violate rule 3: for instance, a Silver Jews shirt at a Joanna Newsom (both Drag City records) concert is an excellent choice (in fact when I see Joanna Newsom on November 17 I may do just that).
7. You may wear a shirt advertising a local band that no one has ever heard of...
8. ... as long as it isn't your local band.
9. At any show, you may wear the shirt of a band whose leader committed suicide, e.g., Nirvana, Elliott Smith, or Joy Division shirts are always allowed.
10. You may wear the shirt of an obscure venue or record store specializing in independent music.

I hope this cleared things up for you.

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