First up:

• What exactly did Kenan Thompson do to earn a spot on SNL? What did his audition consist of? Did he show Lorne Michaels the knuckle puck? I always thought he was kind of funny in a peripheral way, but after seeing a few recent episodes of SNL, I became mortified.  He is an absolute shoo-in for the Chris Kattan/Tim Meadows Memorial One Character Award.     

Stretch’s NBA Preview (With Added Goodness!)

Dallas

Not quite sure how to project the season that Dallas will have.  Clearly they got jobbed in the Finals, but how will they respond?  Will they come back even more motivated, or will they sleepwalk through the first months of the schedule in some sort of altered state of shock?

Blah, blah, blah.

Being the new giraffe on the plain, Stretch is not in a position to ask Hippo Nation to do much.  However, I meekly request that all readers immediately watch the following video.  Apparently it has been out for a while, but I am a hoops junkie and had never seen it prior to writing this column, so I feel certain a large chunk of the populace is similarly unaware: “The Avery Bunch”

I won’t say much.  Here are my 5 favorite things about this opus:

1)      What is Erick Dampier saying?

2)      Dirk’s facial expression: Mild bemusementà wild overactingà complete and utter satisfaction with himself

3)      The moment where every player on the screen is staring in the wrong direction.  This actually comprises a large part of the video

4)      You can actually see the instant where Keith Van Horn’s soul dies.  (“What…the…heck…I was good for 20 a night in college and in Jersey…I’m moving back to Utah and having about 5 more kids”)

5)      Avery Johnson: NBA head coach, George Washington Middle School 8^th grade class president    

Denver

Good thing Kenyon Martin left ol’ New Jersey for the blue skies of Denver , right?  Title, here we come!

As much as I hate to admit it, Carmelo Anthony was pretty dadgum good at the World Championships.  As much as I love to admit it, Denver isn’t going anywhere this year.  There’s a fairly good chance they will win the Northwest Division (assuming Portland doctors fail in their controversial talent-transplant experiments), but I would be shocked to see them in the second round of the playoffs.  I realize they are a chic pick to make some noise, but two things bother me about them: 1) their roster is made up of iffy character guys, and 2) I have an irrational fear of Earl Boykins.

Golden State

So Don Nelson is back.  Here is my projected starting lineup for the Warriors on opening night:

Mike Dunleavy—PG

Mickael Pietrus—SG

Baron Davis—SF

Monta Ellis—PF

Jason Richardson—C

This might work, except for the small problem that every single team in the Pacific Division is currently better than they are.  Other than that, go ahead and pencil them in for the Conference Finals.

 

Houston

 

Dear Mr. Van Gundy;

I see T-Mac finished out yet another season hurt.  Why not, instead of clearing out for T-Mac 20 times a game just so he can get hammered and rack up the free throws, GIVE THE BALL TO THE 7-5 CHINAMAN WITH A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER?  That way, you can save T-Mac for the playoffs and make a run. 

What’s that?  You’re not planning on visiting the playoffs this year?  Oh.  My mistake. 

Go Rockets!

Los Angeles Clippers

Something tells me the Clippers are going to really take a nose dive this year.  I don’t know what it is.  Perhaps I can talk myself out of it.  Here goes: the Clips have the best PF-C combo in the West in Brand and Kaman.  Either one of those guys can spring for 20 rebounds on a given night.  Cassell is back, which keeps the pressure off Shaun Livingston for another year or so.  They have a stable of athletic guards and slashers who can defend.  They have a coach who seems to know where he is most of the time. 

Hmm.  I still have a bad feeling about this team. 

Los Angeles Lakers

Stretch has always been a Laker hater, and that will not change this season.  However, from an analytical perspective, I like Los Angeles this year.  I think they have everything they need to be a top-4 team in the West.  The addition of Vlad Ramanovich, in my opinion, is one of the more underrated signings of the offseason.  Radman is exactly the type of player Kobe needs to complement him.  There’s nothing wrong with Lamar Odom, but I kept getting the feeling last year that he was just stretched a little thin, i.e. having to cover too much ground banging inside and spotting up outside.  Keep your eye on this team.

Memphis

See Minnesota. See Sacramento, first sentence.   

Minnesota

Does anyone else cringe when the Timberwolves are on television?  It’s kind of like church softball, when the old guy comes up to bat and you field a grounder anyone else would be able to beat out.  Maybe you double clutch, take an extra moment to line up the throw, maybe you even fumble the ball for a second.  But in the end, the old guy just won’t run hard enough, and you have to throw him out.  For a second you feel bad, but then you start wondering if the pastor’s daughter saw you make that last play, and if she would go out with you if you asked, and what it would be like to have a pastor for a father-in-law, and….

Phoenix

What were the odds that Phoenix would have made the West Finals last year?  Down 3-1 against the Lakers (and the officials), Steve Nash dug Kobe’s jock strap out of his throat (after getting violently dunked on by Bryant) and somehow brought the Suns back.  I don’t want to be another bitter white commentator verbally fellating Nash, but that was pretty impressive.  I suspect the Suns will be even better this year, but a lot of that depends on how Amare Stoudemire returns from his injury.  It’s not so much his ability that will determine the Suns’ collective fortune, but more so the degree to which he disrupts the flow of the team.  If he monkeywrenches the offense by trying to step in and immediately score 35 a game, it might be ugly. 

In other news, Mike D’Antoni is running a close second behind Eddie Jordan for Creepiest Coach in the League.  Mike, seriously, did you walk into the orthodontist’s office and hand the guy a picture of Gary Busey and say “make me look like THIS?

Portland

Most people don’t remember this, but Tom Izzo wouldn’t even let Zach Randolph start when he played at Michigan State .  Some dude named Andre Hutson started over Randolph , supposedly because Hutson took the game and its nuances more seriously. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if the Trail Blazers had drafted Andre Hutson instead. 

Also, Dan Dickau has a wife that used to be an NBA dancer, so that’s good (for him). 

I’m trying to be positive.  Portland made about 74 trades on draft night, and the result is a roster stacked with young guns and 3 starting centers.  I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

Despite their putrid record, Portland led the league last year in a very important statistic:  Outstanding mug player shots.

 

Seriously, though, Darius Miles is something else.  Back in the late nineties, I was in high school the same time he was, only he was in East St. Louis and I was in the cozy suburbs of West St. Louis .  He was pretty much the baddest kid on the planet back then, and the teams from Missouri just kind of acted like he didn’t exist, like he wasn’t lurking on the other side of the river, ready to destroy all comers.  Larry Hughes was the poster boy for St. Louis back during that time, but my money would have been on Darius had they played 1-on-1.  I remember seeing some of his highlights on the local station when I was 17.  The footage was jumpy, the gym was dilapidated, but it was a fearsome sight.  I literally thought to myself, “dude, that guy is 7 feet tall and can dunk from the 3-point line.  I’m glad we don’t have to play them.”

Sacramento

Let me be the first to gleefully proclaim the Kings to be suffering from the “Curse of the White Chocolate.” 

Remember when the Kings were fun, and when J-Will and Vlade threw crazy passes and Webber had the use of both of his legs?  Remember when Bobby Jackson was Bobby Jackson and we huddled around our televisions in winter and cheered when Doug Christie walloped Rick Fox’s oily head? 

Ahh, memories. 

I expect the Kings to start well, but eventually be done in by the potent Curse.

 

San Antonio

 

In the interest of full disclosure, I am a Spurs fan.  That being said, I predict the Spurs will win the title this season.  Also, every season after that.

I once argued the point that I would take Manu Ginobili over Dwayne Wade if I had to build a team from scratch.  Mind you, this was before David Stern installed the little blue force field around Wade (like the one Sonic the Hedgehog used to have to protect him from bumping into spikes) to prevent him from being defended at any time. 

Anyway, if I were to construct a perfect team from existing NBA players, I don’t think I would use either of them.  If I wanted the perfect balance of chemistry and talent, and not necessarily the five best players, this is what my starting five would look like:

PG—Steve Nash

“Makes teammates better” is a cliché.  Nash actually does it. 

 

SG— Kobe Bryant

You need an alpha dog…someone to take the last shot.

 

SF—Andrei Kirilenko

Imagine him on a team where he doesn’t have to score…

 

PF—Ron Artest

Headcase? Yes.  But not on a team with a clear alpha dog.

 

C—Tim Duncan

The best post defender of our generation.

But back to the Spurs.  This team is driving me nuts this offseason, inexplicably passing on Argentinean Luis Scola (whose rights they hold) and signing Jackie Butler and Francisco Elson instead.   Huh?  Is it too late for Spurs fans around the country to pitch in and send these two to a basketball camp before the season begins?  How about an AAU team? If I find one that will take them, can I sign them up?  Geez.    

Even so, I will be rooting for San Antonio hard this year.  Even when they lose every single second game of a back-to-back (a Spurs specialty).  Even when it finally dawns on Popovich that Jackie Butler is somehow undersized and overweight at the same time, which leads to the inevitable lineup of Duncan and four guards.  Even when Ginobili inexplicably fouls people from behind on breakaway layups.  I will root for the Spurs because Tim Duncan is about 300% more humble than Shaq, because Ginobili was their best player in ’05 and he came off the bench in the playoffs without complaint, because Brent Barry kissed David Stern and lived to tell about it, because Bruce Bowen looks perpetually annoyed that he will miss his tee time, and because Tony Parker plays with that dazed grin and the tip of his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth.

Seattle

The Draft-O-Matic Machine the Sonics have been using has been stuck on “frightened teenage center” for about three years now, but no one in the Seattle front office seems compelled to fix it.  The latest addition is someone named Saer Sene, who promises to give the Sonics everything DJ Mbenga gives the Mavericks…and so much more!

Every time I see Luke Ridnour I think of the short kid in high school who gets a car and immediately tries to pick up babes with his newfound status.  He knows he isn’t going to get much better looking, and it’s only a matter of time before everyone else gets a car, but for those first few months, he’s something special.  That’s not really a slam on Ridnour, it’s just that he always looks so eager.  Never mind.

The Sonics are going to be bad this year. 

The United States of America’s Hornets

Is Peja Stojakovic a self loather? Does he hate to win?  Why does he continually force himself out of good situations in order to seek out browner pastures?  Can we get a therapist on this? (Stretch is not licensed yet)  Larry Brown, we have found your soulmate, and he shaves once a week. The people who cover the NBA for the major media outlets must all be either worthless or out of touch, because there are certain things that fly under the radar that should NEVER be left alone.  For instance, instead of having an armageddon-like fuss about Andrei Kirilenko’s yearly groupie allowance (which, as sane married men know, is nothing but a thinly veiled warning to never shack up with a groupie), why does no one talk about:

Or the fact that:

+ =

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFcinlrgojk

Why does no one ask about these things?  Mr. Paul, what is it specifically about nads that brings out the rage in you?  Mr. Evans, do you drive around at night and pick up stray cats and dogs just so you can take them to the vet and pay to have them spayed or neutered?  Heck, Mr. Laimbeer, can you confirm that you trained either of these two gentlemen in the art of being classless?

Needless to say, I would make an excellent reporter.

Utah

Against all reason, I root for the Jazz. The high point of last year came when a haggard Jerry Sloan said “Screw it, I’ll just play the five guys who give a crap”, and trotted out a starting lineup that consisted of one point guard and four power forwards.  Amazingly, it worked, but despite the late push the Jazz missed out on the playoffs.  I’m going to predict they’ll make the playoffs this year, which is ludicrous, but I can’t help myself. 

I have a question.  What do Deron Williams, Matt Harpring, Andrei Kirilenko, Carlos Boozer, and Mehmet Okur talk about while they’re standing around waiting for TV timeouts to end? This has to be the most comically awkward starting five in recent time.  Seriously, what could they possibly be saying to each other out there?

Deron Williams: Hey, anybody heard the new Kanye single?

[-Silence-]

So there you have it.  Picking a champion from the Western Conference is difficult, due to the depth of talent in each division, but I will try.  Here goes.  My picks are San Antonio , Dallas , Phoenix , Duke, the Lakers, the Clippers, Hoover , Houston , Sacramento , and Rochester College .

Don’t sleep on the Jazz though.

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