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Football State of Mind
10/06/06
by DJ

As you all know, I am a huge Buffs fan. It has been well documented throughout the annals of DeadlyHippos lore. And being from Tennessee, I am a Titans fan as well. Five years ago that would have been awesome, and this article would be me talking shit to the masses about how much their team sucked and how awesome mine was. But alas, the time is now, and now is not a good time to be me as a football fan. As of press time, my Buffs are 0-5 and my Titans are 0-4. This means that no less than nine times this year I swore quite audibly at the ineptitude of my favorite teams. I have had no satisfaction, other than Fantasy Football this whole season to look forward to. I feel like a man with no country, like Tom Hanks in "Terminal". It's not that I don't cheer for them, it's just that I know we are going to get banged like Vegas street walker every week. Now I know what Bobby Knight meant when he said, "If you know you are going to get raped, you may as well lie back and enjoy it." Yes those are harsh words, but these words ring true as life at the moment. But let's focus on each individual team. It's easy to look at the record and say they suck, which they do, but let's attempt to break it down....

Why my Buffs suck:

1. I think one of the main reasons why is the kids we have there. I think we have too many "niceys" as we call them. Dudes that get beat down every week and don't seem to care. When I was there, losing not only meant degradation, but (and I am NOT making this up) a lot of times there was finger pointing and actual ass kickings and choke outs in the locker room. You might say, "What kind of person does that to his teammates!" I will tell you...the kind that are making millions of dollars in the NFL now because they showed some accountability and gumption. Don't even bother tuning in on the first day of the NFL draft if you are a Buffs fan for the next few years, we don't have those type of dudes any more....But I will say this, the kids are trying hard, and they are just kids, but most of them just aren't that good.

2. I know this may not have anything to do with it, but our coach looks like a mix of Corky and John Madden. Say what you want about Nueheisel and Barnett, but at least they look and speak like football coaches. I have read far too many,"Goshes" and "Golly Darns" in the post game interviews this season.

3. I like our quarterback. Seriously. But it's hard to throw to dudes with 4.52 speed at the wideout position. And good receivers have last names like Williams and Johnson and Smith. I think we only have one of those, if you know what I mean.

4. The only thing we are ranked in is fans getting hammered and kicked out and thrown into the drunk tank. But I can't get mad at them, you have to do something to entertain yourself while you are at a game.

5. I believe the coup de gras came this week when BAYLOR, who is annual Homecoming fodder (yes, I know we are close) is talking shit about us, in the paper about how they are going to waltz in and beat the shit out of us. And not just some shit, good hardcore shit, like the shit the aforementioned non-Niceys who would choke you out at breakfast would talk. Losing to Baylor is beyond reproach and inexcusable. If this happens I will be mad, and when I fly home for Christmas, I may turn my framed CU degree around so it faces the wall, like a kid in the Dunce corner.

6. Your kicker cannot be your main scoring threat. That is unless it's George Blanda and he plays like three positions. I cannot stress this enough.

7. Did I mention the Baylor thing?

8. About that Georgia loss. That was painful. Like it actually hurt to breathe after a while. I called home to my wife and she told me we were up by two scores in the third quarter. I was elated. Then an hour later the bad news came: We got beat by a novice QB in the waning minutes. The pain was just too much for me to bear, so I could only imagine what the Buffs were feeling. I know moral victories are just mental masturbation, but I'm sure the Buffs confidence at least had a halfy on the flight home....

Why my Titans suck:

1. The biggest mistake they made was doing Billy Volek wrong. Why not start him, let him fail (or succeed like he has the ability to) then bring in Vince Young, then sign a bum like Kerry Collins right about this time this season for "insurance". At least that way you let a guy play his way out of the job instead of back dooring him.

2. The running back situation. They are the same. My boy Touchdown Brown deserves the starting nod though.

3. Their receivers have constantly under achieved. Can you even name one off the top of your head? Exactly. But it's hard to throw the ball to yourself, so it's not all their fault. But I do commend them on letting Tyrone Calico go.

4. It seems everytime Pac-Man Jones returns a kick for a score, it comes back because of a penalty. This could be karma for his off-season woes though. But that wouldn't explain the fact that he couldn't tackle my grandma in the open field.

5. It seems our tight ends seem to be our strongest offensive weapon on paper, yet they seem to be non factors in games. And yes, I know that was 3 'seems' in one sentence but screw you guys, my teams are 0-9.

6. The team seems to have no identity. Fisher's facial hair, the stadium name, the offense as a whole all have changed recently and they will struggle with that for a while.

Those points being made, my teams are rebuilding. The Buffs are suffering from the first year coach blues, and the Titans are suffering without McNair for the first season. But when will the first win come for either of these teams? I am going out on a limb and saying that the Buffs will win this weekend against Baylor. They have to. I just can't take losing to Baylor. That's just like...well...losing to BAYLOR. As for my Titans, no way, no how will they win this weekend against the Colts. As a matter of fact, whomever in your fantasy league has anybody on the Colts team will dominate this week. That's a promise. Maybe the October 29th pillow fight with Houston. Hopefully. Do you see what I have been reduced to? Begging to beat Baylor and Houston, which are both seen as Texas' inferior squads on their respective levels. (Coming soon the Houston Rockets....). One reader emailed me and asked the over/under for wins between my two teams. I said 4 and I'm taking the under. Go Buffs. Go Titans. I hope my fragile mind can take this pounding I see forthcoming on the horizon....

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