An interesting week in sports, TO's attempt at suicide somehow has healed his broken finger to the point of playing, and playing well, this Sunday.  This after the original plan of hopefully having him ready for next Sunday's match-up against the Eagles.  Yet, despite his claim that prayer had heeled his broken foot, Shaun Alexander was inactive, apparently his praying power has not quite reached the level of Pat Robertson.  This begs the question, does God like TO more than Shaun Alexander?  Or maybe He is more of a Cowboys fan than Seahawks?  Or maybe God just doesn't give a shit about football.

 

Actually, I wonder if this T.O. event was like the late 70's Warren Beatty movie "Heaven Can Wait" where he was a QB who died before he was supposed to, so his soul was then transported into another body that immediately becomes an All Pro QB and leads the LA Rams to the Super Bowl.  Maybe TO actually passed away early last Wednesday and the spirit of former Cowboy's receiver Butch Johnson was placed into his body to finish out his career.  At least that's how I imagine it happened.  Butch Johnson is dead isn't he?

 

Either way I hope both Shaun Alexander and Pat Robertson are praying for a CU victory this weekend against Baylor.  Because if they don't win I'm definitely mixing my supplements with my pain pills.

 

So I regret to inform you all that I have watched the show "Dancing With the Stars" several times now.  Trust me that this is not of my own volition, my girlfriend was a dancer and thoroughly enjoys the show.  I on the other-hand am completely horrified by watching the likes of Jerry Springer (taking a break from running for government and acting as life coach for countless white trash, drug addicts, and transsexuals), Joey Lawrence (back from his 15 year "vacation" in which he apparently either joined the Klan or had an unfortunate outbreak of lice in his once grand wavy locks), and sadly Emmitt Smith, all time leading rusher in NFL history, yet I cannot look away.   

    

Whoa!	What the fuck?!?!

It doesn't make me sad watching Emmitt destroy his legend like this.  I always hated the Cowboys and thought Emmitt was a slightly overrated runner.  That said, he does hold arguably the most prestigious record in the NFL, and now he is dancing the Viennese Waltz in a half unbuttoned tight shirt fully equipped with a butterfly collar and unnecessarily tight trousers.  It is a bit disturbing to watch.

 

 

As we all know this isn't the first time an Icon of Sport has been in this competition.  Jerry Rice competed last year and, in typical Rice fashion, badly wanted to win.  He made it through a few rounds before mercifully being booted off the show. 

 

So here is my idea, and trust me this show would be outstanding.  We need a Dancing With The Sports Icons competition.  A show made up completely of former iconic professional athletes to compete for the crown of "King of the Sports Icons".  To qualify, you must either hold a significant record in your sport, or be widely considered one of the greatest players of all time in said sport.  My own dancing prowess has been well documented, but despite my status as a former Big 12 basketball player, no one outside my own head would label me a "Sports Icon".  So I must regretfully admit that I would not qualify for the show.  That and I am pretty sure that the running man and the C-Walk are not considered ballroom dance moves.  So who would be in the show?  I've come up with a list of 8 potential competitors:

 

1.) Kareem Abdul Jabbar -

 

Kareem would have to be a favorite to win this competition.  Many forget that Kareem was a triple threat in his younger days; basketball, acting (you may remember his Oscar worthy turn as "Murdock" in the classic piece of American Cinema entitled Airplane!), and ass-kicking (he once fought Bruce Lee to the death on the big screen.)  Of course he is the NBA's all-time leading scorer which more than qualifies him to be in this competition.  I think his nimble feet, a result of years spent studying the Martial Arts, as well as his affinity for wearing fruity jackets makes him the front runner.

 

 

2.) Michael Jordan-

 

Question:  What can't Michael Jordan do?

 

Answer: Nothing..... well, except for run an NBA franchise.... and play baseball.... oh yeah, and gamble well.....

 

Despite his place as the greatest basketball player of all time, MJ wouldn't fare too well in this event.  But it would be fun to listen to him talking shit to the other competitors and to watch him punch his dance-partner in the face during practice when she screws up. 

 

 

3.) Barry Bonds-

 

Steroids or no steroids, Barry Bonds is the biggest Icon in baseball since Babe Ruth.  And be honest, you would pay at least $49.95 to watch Barry dance the Salsa.  So would I.  That's why this show has to happen.  Plus the further Barry advances the higher the probability of a roid rage meltdown on national TV. 

 

 

 

4.) Muhammad Ali-

 

Ali is perhaps the biggest Icon in all of sports.  Maybe he's a little too old and, you know, Parkinson's Disease-ey to do well in the competition, but we would be remiss to leave him off the dance card. 

 

 

 

5.) Wayne Gretzky -

 

I've got to admit that I know very little about Wayne Gretzky.  Here is what I do know:

 

- Greatest hockey player of all-time

- His wife was in one of the Police Academy movies and has a horrific gambling problem.

- He is Canadian.

 

That is it.  I can say this for Wayne though, he looks like the kind of guy whose best dance move is standing against the wall and clapping his hands off-beat.  I would predict an early exit for Wayne.

 

 

 

 

6.) John Elway / Joe Montana / Dan Marino -

 

There is often an argument that one of these three is the greatest quarterback in NFL history... there isn't really an argument though, John Elway is the greatest QB of all-time and it isn't open for debate.  That said, I think he'd rather suffocate himself with Dan Marino's hairspray before he'd be seen on this show.  I can respect that.  So that leaves us Marino and Montana.  I say let them both be on the show.  And they can dance with each other.  Will the Marino / Montana combo be completely unstoppable?  I don't know, but I feel pretty confident that Montana would be the one wearing the dress in this partnership.

 

Montana works on his tan	Marino with former dance partner Van Damme

                

 

7.) Tiger Woods -

 

If you read ESPN.com or have turned on your TV in the last 5 years you may have already heard this, but apparently Tiger is a "fierce competitor".  I can see him staying up all night perfecting his flying jump split move, watching the film of himself attempting the move, cursing himself out for a misstep, then going out and trying it again until he has it perfect.... and then of course finishing it off with jazz hands.

 

Plus having him on the show guarantees several shots of his freakishly hot wife per show, and there is no way that can be a bad thing.

 

 

 

 

8.) Mark Eaton -

 

OK, I realize that Mark Eaton gets in on a technicality but I'll be damned if I'm leaving him off this show.  He is the all-time NBA leader in blocked shots per game and that is enough for me.  Just picture Mark Eaton attempting to dance, all elbows, knee-pads and sporadic facial hair.  Just the site of him standing next to his dance partner, him at 7'4" her at an even 5 foot, I'm getting way too excited imagining this picture.

 

 

Admit it, this is a fantastic idea.  Tell me you wouldn't tune in every week to watch this show. 

 

Some predictions:

 

Round 1:  Despite Ali being by far the worst dancer in the group, he rides the sympathy wave to the 2nd round.  Gretzky is out.

 

Mark Eaton will make it further than everyone thinks.  He's got a little nimbly bimbly in him, I can see it.

 

Final 3:  Kareem, Tiger and the Marino / Montana combo.

 

Winner:  That's up to you, the voters to decide.

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