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Stretch's NBA East Preview
09/28/06
by Stretch

First up:

• Upon further review, Hanson got kind of a bum rap. Here’s my reasoning: take any 3 members of N’Sync, the Backstreet Boys, or 98 Degrees (gosh it feels dirty just to type those “band” names), and ask them to write their own music, play their own instruments, and still manage vocal duties. Could they do it? Of course not. That’s why Hanson was impressive, and they were just kids.
• Was there ever a time when baseball was exciting?

Stretch’s NBA Preview (With Added Goodness!)

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Atlanta

Atlanta still has an NBA team?

Every time I see Zaza Pachulia I think of a T-Rex. Same with Yao Ming. Foreign big men with short stubby arms. And then there’s Andrei Kirilenko, so I guess things even out.

Also, Atlanta sucks.

Boston

Note to Danny Ainge: Just because you stockpile white players doesn’t mean you’re going to recreate the ’86 Celtics team. That is all. Thanks.

Charlotte

I could not be any more excited for the beginning of Adam Morrison’s career. This is a guy whose talents don’t necessarily translate well to the NBA, but who is bullish and hotheaded enough to refuse to accept that. The guy is nuts, and I equally loathe and love him. I read somewhere that the moment Michael Jordan decided to take him was when AM had a pre-draft workout with the Bobcats and was leaving as Brandon Roy was arriving. Typically, prospects tend to shy away from competing against each other, but AM became enraged upon sight of Roy and shouted to the Bobcats staff to “bring that mother-----er on!” Seriously, how cool is that?

This has nothing to do with the Bobcats’ chances of winning, which are just about nonexistent. I’m more interested in watching Sean May, and listening to the announcers come up with creative ways to describe the fact that he is fat.

Chicago

Ben Wallace is Richie Tenenbaum. After replaying key scenes of The Royal Tenenbaums, my hunch was proven to be correct. The parallels are there: the meteoric rise to success (2004 Championship), the meltdown on the highest stage (the playoffs last year), and redemption (the mind-boggling contract Chicago gave him). Let’s just hope the comparison doesn’t fully play out, which would involve Ben going into the bathroom and calmly shaving his ‘fro before cutting his wrists, followed by a frantic Scott Skiles walking in and screaming for help…

That being said, the Bulls committed a grave error in trading away Tyson Chandler for Wallace. Chandler, one of my favorite players, was at a higher level statistically than Wallace was when he was Chandler’s age. Also, Chandler is a long 7’1”, and now Chicago is stuck with a 6’8” center whose lower body is already giving out and who struggles to draw iron on free throws.

On any other team, the absence of players who are able to fit the ball into the rim would be cause for alarm. Strangely, the Bulls don’t seem to mind. It wouldn’t surprise me if they signed Chris Dudley out of retirement, just for added effect. Somewhere, Ben Gordon is laying awake at night fantasizing about shooting 50+ times every game. Hey, whatever works.

Cleveland

Hey, did anyone know LeBron James plays for the Cavs now?

Cleveland will be featured approximately 140 times on television this year, and that makes me want to throw up. This is a sickening team to try to watch. They run no recognizable plays, have no one other than Sideshow Bob that has a personality, and they employ the services of Damon Jones. Three strikes.

Is it wrong that I root for anyone to beat the Cavs, including the hated Lakers? Is it?

Hey, here’s an idea: LeBron James, why not smoke during games? As far as I know there isn’t any kind of rule against it (and why would there be?). Since Dwayne Wade has the whole good guy thing kind of sewn up at the moment, why not embrace the villain? Why not trot out on the court and light up during pauses in the action? Who is going to stop you? You’re King James! Why not flick the ciggy butts into the opposing team’s crowd? Why not look into the camera after games and say: “Hey kids, Bron-Bron loves his nic-nic….you want to be like me, then light ‘em up!”

Detroit

Stretch used to graze in the Detroit suburbs, so I have special insight here. One really cannot underestimate the effect of Detroit’s two seasons following the ’04 title. People in the Motor City believe that their rightful place is in the Finals, so the past two years have been horrifying for many Michiganders. To Pistons fans, the period between 1990 and 2004 was nothing but a delay in their return to prominence, albeit a long one. The decline of the Bad Boys, the Grant Hill Era, and the good Pistons teams that couldn’t make it past the Nets were all steps in the ultimate return to glory.

The crazy thing is that the 2004-06 Pistons were built to last. This was a team that had been crafted to be everything the Bad Boys were….and then some. And then the Spurs edged them out in Game 7 to take away their repeat. And then they fell apart against the Heat in their quest to reclaim the title. Now they are stuck with Flip Saunders and Nazr Mohammed instead of Larry Brown and Ben Wallace.

During this whole sordid process, the Pistons fans just kept shaking their heads and wondering where the wheels came off.

I’m skeptical at their prospects for a return to the Finals this year, but not because of the departure of Ben Wallace. I don’t know if the Pistons feel quite as invincible as they used to. I know that the rest of the Eastern Conference doesn’t look at them the same way, and that might be just as important.

Indiana

There is really only one question surrounding the Pacers this year, and it is this: Will this be the season that Rick Carlisle finally unleashes young center David Harrison on a hapless Eastern Conference? Harrison is a nightly 30 & 15 waiting to happen, a fact which is undisputed among all truly knowledgeable observers. C’mon, Ricky. I own about 25 of this dude’s rookie cards. Turn him loose and give him the burn he needs so I can retire early.

But enough about such matters. There are more important issues to ponder. For instance, if you had to lock your wife/girlfriend in a room with an NBA player for one hour, who would it be?

I know, stupid idea. But what if you HAD to? Then it becomes a very tricky question. You wouldn’t want to lock her up with the wrong guy, as the results could be disastrous. After one hour, you might walk in and find Adam Morrison trying to convert her to communism. Reggie Evans might be chewing on her leg. Shaq might have arrested her.

There is no doubt who I would select, and that person also happens to be a Pacer.

Jeff relaxing at home

Jeff on the court (Good Lord!)

Jeff Foster would be my pick, hands down. After one hour I could walk in and find my wife asleep on the floor, and Jeff would be sitting quietly in the corner reading a book…or counting the bumps on the ceiling…or thinking about his favorite colors. Who knows? Foster looks like one of the extras from the HBO show Big Love. He’s also one of a select few NBA players who has no functional control of his basketball skills. This means he can go long stretches mired in mediocrity, and then explode for giant games for no apparent reason. This was no more evident than during the ’05 playoffs, where he was relegated to the bench in favor of Dale Davis, who may or may not have been alive at the time. In one of the all-time greatest Out of Nowhere Games, Foster reeled off a 14 point, 20 rebound, 2 block orgy of greatness in Game 2 of the Pistons series against the best defensive frontline in modern history.

Note to self: take focus pill before beginning next long column….

Miami

[Hands moving toward keyboard…]

~Tweet~

“We have a pushing foul on the writer. I’ve got two free throws, Mr. Wade is my shooter.”

Milwaukee

What would be wrong with calling them the Milwaukee Beers? Huh? We’re all thinking it, Stretch just said it. Don’t shoot the messenger, baby.

New Jersey

Why aren’t the Nets better than they are? Shouldn’t this team get about 100 dunks a game? Seriously, is there a team better suited to do nothing but throw down for 48 minutes?

Vinsanity: http://youtube.com/watch?v=A3m3saWtz-g
RJ: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ySSN07Y5ThU (bonus points for punking the Organ Groaner)
Nenad Krstic: http://youtube.com/watch?v=IbxG13zf2C8 (double bonus points for shaming Wade)

And I think Jason Kidd is still one of the top two or three point guards out there.

What it boils down to is this: I WANT New Jersey to be good. Please, Nets, figure out a way to make it work this year. You may be the only thing standing between the fans and a Finals rematch of the Mavericks versus the Heat refs.

New York

What else can be said about Isiah Thomas and this group?

Here’s my input: I think the Knicks will be slightly better than everyone is predicting, simply because you can only dump on selfish athletes up to a point before they say “screw it, we’ll show everyone!” and band together for the greater good. However, this has nothing to do with Thomas, and it’s hard to see them making the playoffs even in the East. The bottom line is you can’t construct a roster without at least a passing thought to chemistry.

That being said, wouldn’t Isiah be pretty much the best wrestling GM of all time? I could see him coming out to take the microphone in the ring and announce to the delerious fans (even the fake ones holding the signs) something like the following:

“All right, John Cena, since you continue to test the strength of my will as GM, I have decided your next match! You will face Matt Hardy, The Undertaker, Edge, Big Show, and Kane in a Quintuple Handicap Match! And you will be blindfolded! Also, we’re going to bring back Macho Man and Jake the Snake and make them fight in a ring full of burning puddles of gasoline! The loser will be burned alive!”

Orlando

I can’t help it. I’m officially on the Magic bandwagon, even though it’s probably one year too soon to expect them to make noise in the playoffs. Dwight Howard and Darko are going to be the best big men tandem in the East at some point in the future. J.J. Redick is going to help, his newly acquired thugga lifestyle notwithstanding.

Supposedly Vince Carter is going to wind up here after his contract expires with New Jersey next year. That would be nice, but I think the Magic already have a star wingman, and his name is Grant Hill, thank you very much.

Philadelphia

Is it possible to buy my tickets in advance for the Sixers’ annual playoff appearance as the hopelessly outgunned 8th seed?

Toronto Raptors

At last it appears that an NBA team has decided to put a roster together without any noticeable American players. Sacramento tried this a couple of years ago, but ended up getting cold feet and blowing it up before the transformation could become complete. My hopes remain high for the Raptors. Keep an eye open for the trade that sends Chris Bosh to the Lakers for Sasha Vujacic and “cash considerations.”

Washington

Good grief. Eddie Jordan looks like the guy who beats puppies to death with a spatula and posts the pictures on the internet. The man is creepy.

In order to write a caption, I would have to understand what is happening here. I don’t, and I won’t.

Come to think of it, Washington’s roster might be the ugliest in the league. They have at least a half dozen “uggies”, as my wife would say. Why not take this concept to the extreme, and change the team jerseys to gray and black, and just call them the Washington Uggies, or, even better, Eddie’s Uggies?

Speaking of Etan Thomas, and Steve Nash, the NBA has its share of left-leaning athlete activists. I for one think it’s time to have a conservative superstar. Not necessarily in an Archie Bunker sort of way, but more like a serious Alex P. Keaton type. Unfortunately David Robinson is retired, but I think if we look hard enough we could find someone.

My vote is Kyle Korver. How much money would you pay to see him flash a big “W” sign in support of the President after every three he drained?

Even better, what about Ron Artest? He’s kind of hitting that wall of shock, where the only thing he can do to surprise people is to turn proper. I could see him reading The Wall Street Journal on the bench when he’s not in the game.

So there you have it. If I had to pick an Eastern Conference champ, I guess I would go with Indiana, with either David Harrison as the MVP. Or maybe Jeff Foster. You never know with these sort of things.