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JP/LF/JG Responds to my column
09/14/06
by Clay

The fine folks at Jefferson Pilot/ Lincoln Financial/ Lincoln Group took the time to contact me after my ode to the demise of the original Jefferson-Pilot sports telecast. It now appears that I have entered into a feud with a regional broadcast network. At least based on this email I received from Lincoln Financial Senior Director of Marketing Mathew J. Van Ormer (yes, this position actually exists). I have not changed a word or changed any emphasized points: 

Mr. Travis-

I was recently forwarded a copy of your “column” in which you ridiculed and mocked Jefferson Pilot Sports nearly 15 years of production of SEC Football. In your column you lamented of “false pain” due to the pending loss of Jefferson Pilot’s SEC football production. Well here’s some late breaking news that should remedy that “false pain”… Lincoln Financial Sports IS Jefferson Pilot Sports. Though our parent company’s name has changed our staff, crew, and yes, our announce team remains in tact. I was actually surprised that such a fine website “columnist” such as yourself was not able to establish this on your own, given the fact that it has been posted on our website homepage for nearly 6 months and that dozens of news stories have mentioned it during that time. But who needs research when you have a poorly thought out opinion written with bad comedic timing, right? (By the way, I loved the reference to Drew Barrymore in “Ever After” … very topical. Maybe we can use that on our bottom line scroll this fall!)

The thing I love most about this opening paragraph is that I’m picturing the entire Jefferson-Pilot brain trust sitting around in their office/subterranean bunker with steel walls and a couple of light bulbs that are hanging from the ceiling without a lamp shade trying to come up with a response. Sort of like the bunker from season two of Lost, there are tons of discarded vinyl recordings and the theme song from Cagney and Lacey just keeps repeating itself over and over on the gramophone. The computer is from like 1972 and there is some guy who keeps rapping the hamster’s cage to keep the electricity from going completely off. Meanwhile some John Lockian figure is walking around slapping his palms together saying, “I knew all along that this electronic mail business on the information superhighway was going to catch on…I just knew it.”

Five hours later this opening paragraph gets vetted by everyone on staff, low fives are exchanged followed by Phil Mickelson-esque lefty fist-pumps and until now everyone is stoked with their work. Then they find out that, among other things, intact is actually one word instead of two. Curse you spell check. However this is completely perfect for JP/LP/LG/whatever two letters you choose. Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to be that hamster running in the cage come Friday morning.

As for your assessment of our game coverage, you are certainly entitled to your opinion. However, I think it’s worth noting that Lincoln Financial Sports (JP Sports) SEC Football and Basketball are the MOST WATCHED regional college football and basketball networks in the country. Over 1.2 million viewers in the southeast tune into our SEC football game each week. Not bad for a company that airs only the “5th choice” games, eh?

Mr. Van Orter,

The fact that 1.2 million SEC football fans are willing to watch your broadcasts of the game is a huge testament to how dedicated SEC football fans are to their teams. Since my column ran approximately two people have defended your broadcast while hundreds have agreed with me. I’m sure it’s a coincidence that both of these defenders are employed by your company. The fact is, if the cast from The View were in the broadcast booth and Star Jones were brought back as a sideline reporter, 1.2 million people would still watch. Put me in the broadcast booth with a moderately well-behaved orangutan and ratings would increase. Put me in the booth with a poorly behaved orangutan and ratings would double. Put Dave Rowe in the booth with a cobra and ratings would quintuple. Nice use of eh, though. Are you Canadian?

   +   
We're talking an announcing team for the ages.

Don’t worry though, maybe your mean-spirited, one-sided rant will be enough to cause our viewers to turn their sets off this fall. That way our producers, announcers, and staffers can go back to selling insurance full time. (It’s not like they do this for a living or anything.) Besides, who really wants to see Auburn at Mississippi State anyway? Oh, that’s right… You do!

Enjoy the game!!

Best wishes.

Honestly, I have no idea if this bit about the producers, announcers, and staffers being insurance salesman is a joke or the truth. With any other company I would believe it to be false, but with JP, you can never be sure. Also it would explain some things. Instead of pulling a random guy out of Tunica casino as I suggested, JP might have been pulling random insurance salesmen out of the company and putting them to work producing a football game. Classic.

Also I attended the Miss. State-Auburn game in person so, I was drinking beer and cursing your company like every other fan in attendance.

But I did feel bad about the folks at Lincoln Financial feeling like my article was slanted. After all, it’s ridiculous for a sports columnist to actually have an opinion. Since I am always fair and balanced I decided to rigorously craft five additional questions that were designed to be completely fair and balanced (just like Fox News) and send them to our new favorite Senior Director of Marketing, Mr. Van Orter.

1. Mr. Van Orter, can you confirm or deny that Jefferson Pilot explored purchasing the owls from the Harry Potter movies because the company believed they would provide faster scores than your current method of carrier pigeons?
   
2. Would the company prefer that SEC sports fans angered over the early start of your game, remark “F’in LF” or “F’in LG.” If the former, was this alliterative power considered a strong selling point of the JP network?
3. Has PETA ever visited your bunkers and ensured that the running hamsters who power your network offices were being treated fairly?
4. Does Dave Rowe begin every insurance call by saying, “I can’t believe what I’m just about to say!!!!!!!!? Have I got a Dave Row decleater special for you!!!!!!!!!?”
5. Since my two middle names, are coincidentally “Olive Branch,” I would be willing to completely reverse course and sing the praises of your network to high heaven if you would commence showing wiffle ball games either before or after your SEC football telecasts. When can we expect these wiffle games to commence?