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Hippogeddon: Deadlier than Death, Part II
09/26/06
by Stretch

Last week, we posted the first half of the script for the original Deadly Hippos movie, Hippogeddon: Deadlier than Death. Today, we bring you the second half of this thriller, including the incredible surprise ending. Grab some popcorn and shut the door to your office... so no one can hear you scream....

Cast (reminder):

CLAY: Matthew McConaughey (too obvious)	DJ: Michael Bacon (from the show V. R. Troopers)
KWo: Rick Schroeder (perfect)	THE 27: Jeremy Piven (from entourage)
Shaw: John Hawkes	JT: Sir Ben Kingsley, in a career-redefining performance
The Baron: Gary Busey

Hippogeddon: Deadlier Than Death

Scene 11: Enter the Nagi

The plight of the Hippos had become grim in this, their darkest hour.

In the fight to control the Virgin Islands, The Baron and his revolutionaries had routed The 27 and his troops in a bloody battle in the streets. The 27 had handled the defeat poorly, abandoning his men and jumping into the ocean, for reasons not entirely clear even to him.

Shaw, meanwhile, had discovered that his girlfriend, the beautiful Maria Chavez, was actually the daughter of the head of the most powerful drug cartel in Colombia. Her father was skeptical of Shaw, and he gave his prospective son-in-law a test to prove his worth: take command of a band of the cartel’s leftist guerillas and exact revenge on the Virgin Islands. Apparently the Virgin Islands government had not paid for its monthly shipment of narcotics, which was due to the fact that The Baron had succeeded Charles Turnbull as Governor of the Islands, and knew nothing of the arrangement.

As it turned out, it was a short reign. Upon finding out that the Virgin Islands, despite its promising name, was not an island populated with nubile maidens, The Baron immediately abdicated his place as dictator and left the region to seek out other adventures.

During the fight between the government soldiers and revolutionaries, an explosion had rocked the jail that Clay was being kept in. The blast ripped a hole in the wall, giving Clay a chance to escape from Money, who had trapped Clay inside the cell with his razor blade projectile kicks.

***

As Clay climbed out of the jail, Money sent one more well-aimed metal disc buzzing toward Clay. There was no time to duck…

A dark blur flew in front of Clay, and the metal “A” pierced the figure, leaving Clay unscathed. It was Mark Nagi.

Mark Nagi (as Mark Nagi): (gasp)

Matthew McConaughey (as Clay): Damn it, Mark Nagi! [kneels down, holds Nagi’s head in his hands] Don’t you go dying on me, Mark Nagi! Damn it!

Mark Nagi: [coughing up blood] all I… ever wanted… (wheezing)… all I ever wanted was to be… a… Hippo….[face becomes still, eyes roll back into head]

***

John Hawkes (as Shaw): Maria, I don’t want to attack the Virgin Islands with your father’s goons! I’m not a fighter—I’m a mathematician!

Maria Chavez: But, Shaw, eh, how you say…You fight for what you love, yes?

John Hawkes: But that’s just it! I don’t love you! I don’t even love myself! I followed you here because I wanted to get a chance to squeeze your…

Maria Chavez: [leaning in close to Shaw, whispering in his ear] Our love…is like an inverse relationship. The less you love yourself, the more I love you…

John Hawkes: [staring into distance; a slow resolve creeping across his face] I have been waiting all my life for a woman to say that to me… [picks up rocket launcher]… I’m GOING on this mission! I’m GOING to impress your father! It’s GOING to be SHAWESOME!

Maria Chavez: [clapping; bouncing] Muy Caliente! Mi Gringo es Caliente!

***

JT, despondent from KWo’s apparent murder, had drunk himself into a stupor. It was midnight, and in the rainy streets outside Hippo HQ, he stopped to toss an empty beer bottle at a nearby security guard.

Security guard: Hey boyee, you bes be steppin’ dowun!

Sir Ben Kingsley (as JT): That voice… I know thee, dark master. Show thy face!

Flava Flav (as Flava Flav): Is mee, son! Flava Flav iz gowun to put you dowun, son!

Sir Ben Kingsley: [wiping face with edge of his sleeve] Verily, if it is a duel you crave, allow me to quench your thirst… [taking off coat]… CAN YOU HANDLE MY C-WALK, BEYOTCH?!

[dance-off begins]

Fleeing the carnage of the Virgin Islands, The 27 had swum out to sea, in water that was heavily infested with sharks. About a half-mile seaward, The 27 came across a portly old man in a rowboat. He had never seen this man before.

Verne Lundquist (as Verne Lundquist): Well hello young man!

Jeremy Piven (as The 27): Sup… [treading water]

Verne Lundquist: This is a mighty long way from shore to be swimming!

Jeremy Piven: Lemmetellyousomething. When I was in high school, I swam so fast they used to strap a pregnant sea turtle to my back to keep the meets competitive. That was before my injuries, though. Back before I got hurt, I could SWIM a 4.3 40!

Verne Lundquist: Wow! What an accomplishment! Just be careful out here, though…You wouldn’t want to drown…IN BLOOD…

Verne produces a bucket of fish blood, which he dumps on top of The 27 and begins to row away. The 27 begins to chase after him, but it is too late. As the dorsal fins begin to swirl around him in the red-stained waves, he hears the guttural growl of Verne Lundquist laughing in the distance. It is the last thing The 27 will ever hear

Scene 13: The Final Death (pt. 1)

Shaw was now en route to the Virgin Islands on a ship with several dozen Marxist guerillas from Colombia. Shaw was also about six hours into his first meaningful relationship with a woman who truly enabled his self-loathing, and the whole experience was making him very tense.

At some point during the voyage, Shaw heard what he believed to be some sexual banter among the troops regarding Maria Chavez and her endowments. Shaw did not handle this well, and pulled his rocket launcher on the troops. When the men made further jokes about her, Shaw sent several grenades into their midst, blowing all of the commandos limb from limb (as well as destroying the hull of the ship). Actually, they could have been apologizing, but Shaw had never been great with Spanish. In any case, Shaw pulled a life raft from the sinking wreckage and continued on to the Virgin Islands, rocket launcher in hand.

JT and Flava Flav had engaged in an epic dance-off in the streets outside DH Headquarters. JT had clearly won the contest, capping off his performance with an incredible seven-minute-long C-Walk that had caused every woman within a three-mile radius to climax simultaneously.

Flava Flav (as Flava Flav): You dun beat me, son…Dat’s just da truf…

Sir Ben Kingsley (as JT): Excelsior!

Flava Flav: Here…I can’t wear dis no mo no how…(takes off oversized clock from around his neck, tosses to JT)

Sir Ben Kingsley: Well, thank you young man. Now scat, before I rap thee across…(cough)…the knuckles…(cough)

Flava Flav: AH HA HA! [the clock in JT’s hands is spewing green smoke—poison gas!]

Michael Bacon (as DJ): I think it’s time I showed you the flavor of pain, little man!

Sir Ben Kingsley: DJ! You have arrived to…(cough)…save me…box his ears, my fellow Buff…(cough)…tan his hide…flog his hindquarters…

Flava Flav: I gonna kill you too, you big mutha-

[-squish-]

[DJ steps on Flava Flav, smushing him like a bug. DJ turns his foot from side to side, as the remains of Flava Flav ooze out around the edges of his shoe.]

Michael Bacon: JT? Are you okay? JT? [no response: JT is motionless] Oh well. Easy come, easy go.

Gary Busey (as The Baron): What happened here? [running up to DJ] I came as soon as I heard the dancing. [pulls out stogie, lights it, deposits in mouth]

Michael Bacon: I’m glad you’re here, Baron. I know who kidnapped Tim Duncan!

Gary Busey: No you don’t. [pulls out gun, fires shot into DJ’s chest]

Michael Bacon: Baron! [gasping; falling to ground] Baron! What are you doing?

Gary Busey: [blowing cigar smoke into the air] You’ve always held me back, you miserable pile of sac sweat. It’s the dawning of a new age, kemosabe. The energy of the universe has concentrated its cosmic breath on me… [leaning down and whispering in DJ’s ear]… have I ever told you what “Baron” stands for?

Michael Bacon: [blood running out of mouth]… ugh… no…

Gary Busey: THE BARON STANDS FOR WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS TO STAND FOR, THAT’S WHAT! [spits on DJ’s face]

Clay was playing a deadly game of hide-and-seek in the woods of the Virgin Islands. Money was stalking him, and every few seconds the UA kicker would send one of his steel “A” discs flying into the brush to try to flush Clay out into view. Clay was hiding behind a big tree, waiting for a chance to escape, when he saw one of Money’s razor sharp projectiles sticking out of a nearby sapling. Since he had no weapon to speak of, he quietly reached out and pulled the “A” free, slipping it into his pants pocket.

Money had lost him, and had moved on out of earshot. Now was Clay’s chance to escape. He silently tiptoed out of the woods and onto the nearby beach…

Verne Lundquist (as Verne Lundquist): So, Mr. Hippo. We meet at last.

Matthew McConaughey (as Clay): Lundquist! I should have known! I’m surprised you even remembered my name.

Verne Lundquist: Brave words, my friend. We have taken care of your partners, and put the Hippo right where it belongs...on the endangered list. I’m afraid that you’re the only one who’s left.

Matthew McConaughey: What? What are you talking about? What have you done to my friends?

Verne Lundquist: I’m afraid The 27 has perished.

Jamie Christensen (as Jamie Christensen): [stepping onto the beach with the others] So has KWo. And Shaw. He’s lying on the west beach with an “A” sticking out of his head.

Gary Busey: [stepping onto beach, puffing on cigar] And JT and DJ. They’re dead too.

Matthew McConaughey: Baron! You traitor!

Verne Lundquist: The Baron works for me now.

Gary Busey: Au contraire, my friend. The Baron works for no man.

With that, the Baron pulls out his gun, and shoots Verne Lundquist in the stomach. The stunned sportscaster falls backwards against a tree. The Baron then turns and fires a shot at Money, clipping the kicker in the shoulder. Money kicks his leg at Baron, sending an “A” disc screaming towards him, which misses Baron’s face and clips his cigar in half. Money disappears into the woods, clutching his shoulder.

Clay stumbles over to Lundquist, and picks up the bleeding man by his shirt.

Matthew McConaughey: You bastard! You killed my Hippos! Feel the wrath of ClayNation!

Clay winds up and punches Lundquist in the face, causing the sportscaster’s head to pop off his body and roll into the grove of trees.

Clay turns around to confront The Baron, but he is no longer there—he has disappeared! Clay falls to his knees in the sand.

Matthew McConaughey: What is going on here? Why was Verne Lundquist after me, and whose side is The Baron on? (rubbing face with hands) What happened to Tim Duncan? How far does this whole thing go!?!?

A long shadow is cast over Clay, and he turns around to see someone he least expected: Tim Duncan, all six foot eleven of him, standing on the beach in khakis and a Hawaiian print shirt.

Tim Duncan (as Tim Duncan): Oh, it goes deeper than you know.

With that, Duncan rams his knee into Clay’s face, and things go black. Clay falls to the ground, his head coming to rest in the white island sand. The last thing that goes through his mind is the thought,

That didn’t hurt at all.

Clay woke with a start. It was night, and the only sound was the slow roll of the waves trolling toward the beach. Clay picked himself up, and a thin layer of white sand crystals stuck to his face and arms, making him look like he had been dipped in a big bowl of sugar.

He looked up at the moon. What time was it?

Slowly, like someone drawing in a fishing line, his thoughts began to return, one by one. Tim Duncan. Jamie Christensen. Being in prison. His friends—were all of them dead? Clay shook his head, trying to clear his mind.

Was he dreaming? Had he fallen asleep on the beach?

Impossible. The feelings were so raw, the story so intricate: how could he have dreamt something so elaborate?

But he had to have been dreaming. There was no way that Shaw was laying on the other side of the island with a big “A” sticking out of his head…

The “A”.

Clay jammed his hand into the pocket of his pants. If he was dreaming, then there would be nothing there. He distinctly remembered taking one of Money’s little discs when he was hiding in the woods.

Clay’s fingers probed the corners of his pocket. Now his heart was racing. What was he hoping for? Did he want to find the “A” or did he want it to be a fantasy?

Still his fingers searched. Where was it?

THE END

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