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Hippogeddon: Deadlier than Death, Part I
09/21/06
by Stretch

You may have noticed that Stretch has posted pieces of the second Deadly Hippos movie on the message board... now that Stretch is an official member of the Deadly Hippos staff, it is time for us to dust off the original script for the first Deadly Hippos movie... here it is, with Part II to come next week. First thing's first, of course: the cast.

CLAY: Matthew McConaughey (too obvious)	DJ: Michael Bacon (from the show V. R. Troopers)
KWo: Rick Schroeder (perfect)	THE 27: Jeremy Piven (from entourage)
Shaw: John Hawkes	JT: Sir Ben Kingsley, in a career-redefining performance
The Baron: Gary Busey

Hippogeddon: Deadlier Than Death

Scene 1

It is a dark time in HippoNation. Tim Duncan, favorite son of the U.S. Virgin Islands, has been abducted while visiting his home island. This results in worldwide crisis, as frantic efforts to locate the basketball star turn up nothing and the San Antonio Spurs are forced to choose between starting Robert Horry and Fabricio Oberto at power forward. Worst of all, alpha hippo Clay is apprehended and held without bail as a suspect! Clay, who happened to be visiting the Virgin Islands at the same time as Duncan, is targeted because of suspicious comments in one of his DH columns.

Immediately, the hippos react to clear their comrade. DJ and JT join the NBADL in an attempt to infiltrate the ranks of the NBA and find out who, if anyone, could have financed Duncan’s kidnapping. KWo remains stateside, and begins to prepare Clay’s legal defense.

Meanwhile Shaw, The 27, and The Baron (The RimRockers had room for DJ, but not another shooting guard) travel aboard a cruise liner to the Virgin Islands. Their mission: find a bar of outstanding repute. Their secondary mission: find Duncan and clear Clay!

***

Matthew McConaughey (as Clay) [from prison]: All right all right all right all right…

Guard: Shut up!

***

John Hawkes (as Shaw) [from the boat]: When this ship reaches the island, I propose that we use the following simple formula to—

Jeremy Piven (as The 27): Yeahwelllemmetellyousomething. If I hadn’t fallen apart in high school, there’s no chance I would even still be a Hippo. Theresnofreakinway.

Gary Busey (as The Baron): Energy.

Jeremy Piven: I would be like a freak, mutant animal. Like a freakin kodiak mixed with a gator, man. Doyouhearwhatimsayingman?

Gary Busey: The kodiak is the darkest energy in the bear spectrum. My dark side, my shadow, my lower companion is now in the back room blowing up balloons for kids’ parties.

John Hawkes: (Shaking) I need some coffee. I’m moving up to level 5. Anyone seen my coffee?

Gary Busey: [sleeping]

***

Sir Ben Kingsley (as JT) [in locker room]: I, for one, remain vexed. What manner of man could have orchestrated this tomfoolery? Was it a hoopster, a fellow modern day gladiator bathed in back-sweat? Was it a foe of Clay’s that hath wrought this? Was it an apparition, a Brasky if you will?

Michael Bacon (as DJ): Brasky. That son of a bitch walked into a theater full of gay guys watching “Brokeback Mountain”, and when the movie was over they were all straight. That son of a bitch!

Sir Ben Kingsley: I shall measure the beard-length of every man deemed suspectible, and in this manner find the guilty party. Excelsior!

***

Verne Lundquist (as Verne Lundquist) [sitting in dark office]: HA HA HA HA….

***

Scene 4

It had been four days since the Hippos split up to solve the Tim Duncan disappearance and free Clay, and the mystery remained unsolved.

Back in the states, KWo had not moved from his desk since being assigned the task of preparing Clay’s legal defense. In Shaw’s absence, KWo had also been given the job of maintaining the DH web site, which had proven difficult, as he had never actually logged on to the site for any reason.

DJ and JT, after joining the NBADL in an attempt to find out if any NBA players had funded Duncan’s kidnapping, were making progress. After sitting on the bench for the entirety of his first game as an Arkansas RimRocker, DJ was notified that he had been traded to the New York Knicks as part of the Steve Francis deal. Before DJ could produce a rant, rave, or even a rumination, New York GM Isiah Thomas offered DJ a max contract, totaling about 90 million dollars, even though he had no idea who DJ was.

Meanwhile, JT quit the RimRockers when the game schedule interfered with his Beauty and the Geek regimen.

In the Virgin Islands, the Hippo strike team consisting of Shaw, The 27, and The Baron had run amok. The 27 had made it about a half-mile inland, at which point he wandered into a bar and found a fresh audience to boast about his high school accomplishments to.

Shaw, too, had abandoned the goal of freeing Clay. He had spent the past few days walking the beaches with what he thought was a beautiful island girl, Maria Chavez. In reality, Maria was a Colombian tourist who spoke very little English.

The Baron, meanwhile, had grown frustrated with his companions’ lack of focus, and had decided that the best way to free Clay would be the violent overthrow of the existing Virgin Island government.

***

Matthew McConaughey (as Clay) [Sitting in jail cell, naked, beating ferociously on a bongo drum]

Guard: We’ve got to stop giving the prisoners bongos.

***

Michael Bacon (as DJ) [on phone with JT]: JT, I think I’ve figured out who is behind the Duncan kidnapping! I figured it out during tonight’s game!

Sir Ben Kingsley (as JT): Cease confabulations, DJ. I must go. [Hangs up, turns on TV; Beauty and the Geek is on.] Ah, Master Kutcher, truly your mind IS daring, my young squire. Truly.

***

John Hawkes (as Shaw) [on beach]: Maria, I find your ratio of breast to overall body mass quite appealing.

Maria: [smiling]

John Hawkes: Maria, I love you. The very sight of you causes me to grow exponentially… [points downward for added effect]

Maria: [smiling]

Gunfire!

John Hawkes: [jumping wildly] What is that?

Gary Busey (as The Baron) [in town, standing on top of car, waving AK-47]: Join the forces of light, compadres! L-I-G-H-T stands for Living In God’s Heavenly Thoughts…It’s time for a new rule in these islands…BARON-STYLE!

Gary Busey: [pulls out grenade, tosses toward nearby bar] Bird season is over, butthorn!

Jeremy Piven (as The 27) [inside bar, talking to no one in particular]: And then do you know what happened? Lemmetellyouwhathappened. I played the entire fourth quarter with a broken leg, that’s what happened! Actually, both legs were broken! Yeah! Both of those suckers were gone!

Explosion!

Jeremy Piven: [walks out of burning ruins, covered in smoky ash] And then I tackled Heath Evans 34 times in one game alone!

***

Verne Lundquist (as Verne Lundquist) [sitting in dark office]: It is time to finish those Hippos forever. It’s time to bring in Money.

To be continued...

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