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The state of Colorado football: When your team's season is over after
only two games
09/11/06
by JT
We look forward to this all summer. Every red blooded American male does. We look forward to football season. And for most of us, college football is what we truly miss. You see college football has more passion than the pros. Whether it's your school, your Alma mater, your hometown, or your state, everyone out there has a college football team. So what happens when two weeks into the long awaited season, you realize your team has no chance? You come to an understanding that your team not only doesn't have a shot at a bowl game, but may not win a game all season? What do you do next?
In the words of the famed Hollywood Producer from Intrigue name Bob Ryan, "What if I were to tell you that you could hire a coach to rebuild your once dominant team, and in his first two games he would lose to a I-AA school and your lowly in-state rival. Is this something you might be interested in?"
This is the question plaguing myself and all University of Colorado fans this week. This year was supposed to be the start of a return to greatness. We had rid ourselves of Gary Barnett and the stench of the old regime. Dan Hawkins had come in as the hottest coaching prospect in the nation. Leading unknown Boise St. to national respectability before coming to the Golden Buffaloes as the savior of our program. Then what happens? Week one, we lose to Division I-AA Montana State. The first time in the history of CU that we have lost to a I-AA school (sidebar - Montana St. lost this week to a Division 2 school called Chadron State. If anyone has any idea where the state of Chadron is please email us immediately) next we lose to our in-state rival Colorado State a week later. To put this in perspective, for the first 20 years of my life, CU had never lost to CSU. In the last 8 seasons we have split the series with them 4-4. This would be acceptable if CSU was now a perennial Top 25 program, but instead it is the opposite, it is a slow decline to their level of play and talent.
16 years ago CU won the National Championship. In 1994 we set the benchmark when 20 out of 22 starters on offense and defense went on to play in the NFL. That same year Rashaan Salaam won the Heisman Trophy (while also boning one of the hottest women I have ever seen in my life, former CU Volleyballer Rachel Wacholder).
Rachel Wacholder... wow
Kordell Stewart completed the "Miracle in Michigan" to Michael Westbrook, perhaps the most memorable single play of the last 20 years. In fact, in the 90's we had a Heisman Trophy winner, two Butkus Award winners, two Jim Thorpe Award winners, a Doak Walker winner, A Walter Camp Winner, a Bear Bryant Coach of the Year winner and a National Championship. In that time me and DJ's boy Matt Russell (aka the "Love Muscle") won the Butkus Award in 1996, in 1997 we were ranked #1 in the preseason polls, and in 2001 we finished a fraction of a point from playing for the National Championship against Miami after beating #1 ranked Nebraska and #4 ranked Texas in consecutive weeks to win the Big 12 Championship, not to mention that we have won the Big 12 North 4 out of 5 seasons since then. We have a storied tradition... and now it has come to this. A low point in CU football history. How can we expect to win a game this season?
Dating back to last year we have now lost 6 games in a row. The longest losing streak in 22 seasons. In our last 5 games our offense has managed a measly 37 points. There are plenty of negatives to start the season, and we can direct them all in the same place, the coaching staff. For beginners, in the first two games this year we have played two QB's whom are starting for the first times in their college careers. One plays for Division I-AA Montana St., and one plays for CSU from the Mountain West Conference, whom have combined to complete 43-54 passes against our defense, or nearly 80% completion percentage. Not a percentage you hope for, especially considering that our DB's were supposed to be one of our strong points this season. However, against CSU we consistently played 2 cornerbacks against 3 WR's. Our defensive line and LB's are outstanding, and if I played one of these positions I would go home every single night and curse the God's for placing my talents on such a horrendous team. We have a running back named Hugh Charles whom was on the pre-season watch list for the Doak Walker Award. So far through two games he has 7 carries for 45 yards. This means he is averaging over 6 yards per carry, but only gets less than 4 carries per game. We have scored a grand total of 0 points after halftime in our first two games combined. Which would lead one to believe that our coaching adjustments after halftime leave something to be desired. All of these problems can be traced back to our new coach. Our supposed program savior. I have a feeling he is getting a very rude introduction to the world of big time college football this week, hopefully it makes him realize exactly where he is coaching now. In fact, for a good look at what Coach Hawkins is in for in his new position, I have included a verbatim, word for word, text conversation between myself and TJones, one of our most famous readers. Keep in mind that we both are CU graduates and both played basketball for CU, so we are probably a bit less harsh than the average fan:
TJones: "I am sitting in a club with a wife beater on because I refuse to wear my CU shirt.
JT: "I understand your frustrations, but don't be "that dude""
TJones: "They have become "that school" so why can't I be "that dude?"
JT: "You just don't wear a wifebeater in a club unless it's 90+ degrees and you are outside. Let's keep our standards even when our school has lost theirs. Besides, fuck everyone else. You are a Buffalo! Let them try and talk shit and see what happens"
Picture this dude only black, this is presumably what TJones looked like at
the bar
TJones: "Thanks for bringing me back to reality, I just feel like I left my shirt with a friend and he let someone take a shit on it and now I'm being forced to wear it. I'm just frustrated with the system, plus our coach wears a size 16 fitted hat."
(Yes we do text each other with both perfect spelling and punctuation, a result of our degrees from one of the finest universities in the nation.)
JT: "I hate when people shit on my shirts, and I hate our faggot ass new coach. He looks like a grown Dennis the Menace with Oakley's on"
TJones: :He looks like the type of guy that looks at other men's dicks in the public urinal stalls."
JT: "In 5 years they'll find kiddie porn on his campus computer. He probably jacks off to pictures of a young Frodo Baggins."
TJones: "I bet he drives a Toyota Prius with a bike rack on the back"
JT: "He probably punches people with his thumb inside his fist, that is, when he isn't slapping them with a limp wrist."
TJones: "I bet he wears fanny packs with logos on them and headphones that wrap around the back of his head attached to a disc-man."
JT: "He looks like the bastard love child of Chucky and Shrek, and I bet he makes outrageous claims like that he invented the forward pass."
TJones: "I bet he wears socks with furry balls on the back of them"
JT: "I bet he watches 'Steel Magnolias' once a week and cries every time."
TJones: "He wears bugle boys and eats at Sewell Hall" (Sewall Hall is a crappy dorm at CU)
JT: "He looks like Ceal Berry, only without the penis"
(For those of you unfamiliar with CU sports history, Ceal Berry is the former women's basketball coach who was also an outspoken lesbian activist.)
Funny? Yes. True? Mostly yes. Sad? Definitely. CU football has reached an all-time low and it looks like it may take some time before things get turned around, if they ever do at all. But here is one guy who will pray to the god of skinny pukes that they do turn it around, and soon. After all, we still could realistically win the Big 12 North again, and wouldn't that make some great press for everyone out there when the best of the Big 12 North lost to Montana St., a I-AA school, whom lost to Chadron St, a Division 2 school, which of course would mean that the Big 12 North Champ couldn't even beat a D2 school... fuck you guys.
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