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A Chain of Thought
09/22/06
by Shaw

DJ's ruminations this week (part of RRRix) inspired me to ask a few questions, the answers to which, are of no interest to anyone except me, I'm guessing..

Who sticks their previously chewed gum under the desks and tables in college classrooms and libraries? I can see where this might have been a standard practice in middle school, or even high school--at least in my school, the anti-gum policy was so strictly enforced by militant teachers that no student would dare get up out of his/her seat to openly dispose of a piece of gum in class--that would be tantamount to walking away from a dead body and nodding to a cop while dropping a bloody knife into the sewer. The only options were to swallow it or get rid of the evidence. But in college? Really?

Speaking of which, why the hell is "gumshoe" slang for detective? If you know the answer to this question, I would really love to hear from you. I tried looking it up on my good friend Wikipedia, but unfortunately, all I got was a re-direct from "gumshoe" to the entry for "detective." That is the second time that this has happened to me in the last few weeks, the previous time being when I tried to look up information about my favorite Batman episode, the one involving the Siamese Human Knot and the insurance policy on Gotham City.

Speaking of which, where I went to school, there was this hazy period of time, somewhere between 3rd grade and 6th grade, where it was a big fad to play little word games... like for instance, our principal's name was Mr. Fuhr, a name which really isn't all that funny to the mind of a sophisticated 27-year old man, but which, to the average 7 year old, is laughable. Okay, well, to me, it was... so we all (again, maybe just me) used to take every possible opportunity to point out instances of real fur, like animals and coat linings, and mention the hypothesis that perhaps our principal was named after that object. Now that I've grown up, of course, I would never make fun of a name like Fuhr. Instead, it's my friend Dick Ballquist whose name makes me laugh uncontrollably. The other word games seem like they'd be pretty universal--the most common being that you would ask a friend to spell I CUP (pronounced "Eye Cup")... when the person responded, of course, they would say, "I see you pee," setting off immediate laughs. That one seems like a close relative of the Dikfore ("You've got a dikfore on your head." "What's a dikfore?" "Ha ha ha!") the Hertz Donut ("Want a Hertz Donut?" "Sure! Sounds good!" [Punch in the arm] "Hurts, don't it!"), and the more recent Updog ("Hey, you've got some updog on your shirt there." "What's updog?" "I don't know, what's up with you?"). On a different level of word game oddity was the Elephant Shoe, which usually took longer to set up. Someone would come up to you and tell you to "guess what I'm saying." And then they would walk away about 20 feet so you could try to read their lips but not be able to hear them. Then they would say, aloud, "Elephant Shoe." And it would look like "I love you." It still boggles my mind that someone came up with this game.

Speaking of which, I brought this up in a previous column, but why are elephants connected with Alabama in any way whatsoever? I am totally mystified. Wikipedia, of course, has the answer. So, uh, mystery over.

Speaking of which, why do so many Canadians come to the United States and fit into our society so well, but when I go to Canada, I stick out clearly as an American and get treated as such? Peter Jennings was Canadian, and was, for a time, the best and most American-looking and sounding anchor on the major broadcast networks. Neil Young is Canadian, and he came to the US, wrote two songs maligning the South (specifically Alabama) and inspired "Sweet Home Alabama," which mentions his name and is required by law to be played at every single sporting event and bar in the South once an hour. I went to Canada and couldn't find graham crackers in the grocery store.

Speaking of which, do you think that the new "Survivor: Racist Island" show will inspire some more spinoffs for other reality shows? Maybe "Cracker Eye for Black Guy"? I can't even write the pun on "Trading Spaces"....

Speaking of which, every time I watch that insipid show (OK, all cards on the table, I kind of like the show, but I haven't watched it since the days of Verne, Frank, and Genevieve, who may or may not still be on for all I know), I think the same thing: I am really glad these people aren't redecorating my house. Whether or not the houses look nice in the end, they always remove all of the stuff that I would use, most notably the ceiling fans and the desks. How will I stay cool in the summer without having a high electric bill? Where will I do my work?

Where will I dispose of my gum?