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Wiffle Ball Response Column
08/11/06
by Clay
Wiffle Ball should be on television. The responses to my column of a month ago about the official rules of wiffle ball have convinced me of this fact. There is absolutely zero reason why not. If darts, poker, the soap box derby, paintball and NFL cheerleader auditions make the television cut, then leaving out wiffle ball is an outrage. Who wouldn’t watch this?
Grown men getting pegged by other grown men, controversies about whether said pegging actually made contact with the body. No umpires, just players who have to resolve everything. On really difficult calls how about requiring that stand-by of wiffle democracy, yep, the do-over. Arguments about strikes, the delicate dance of whether it is worth the risk to make a long distance throw at a runner rounding third or be safe and try to keep the runners from advancing. Wiffle ball offers an abundance of drama and is just begging to be televised.
How about the call for pitcher changes? Is there anything more athletically debilitating than getting yanked from a wiffle game because you’ve got nothing left? How about the never-ending was it or wasn’t it a strike debate? Check swings? And who could forget the intense pressure of waiting for a wiffle skied about a hundred feet in the air to make its warbling descent into your hands? Especially when there is two outs and everyone has basically scored before you even get the chance to make the catch.
And this doesn’t even take into account the players associated with the game or the ridiculous stats that you could keep. Someone might have a legitimate wiffle slugging percentage of 14 million. Are you telling me tons of people wouldn’t watch this? I’d love to be affiliated with producing wiffle ball for television. Someone please make this happen. I only wish I had a television production company myself…or any legitimacy whatsoever in the world of sports. I’d work as an announcer for free beer. Here is my pledge to the Deadly Hippos readership, I’m going to continue to advocate for wiffle ball on television and I promise that if it ever happens, I’ll be there in some form or fashion for the first game.
Without further ado, here are some of the great emails we got about my previous wiffle ball column. Enjoy:
Jon Fetzner asks:
Clay, I've played baseball, softball and wiffle ball all throughout my youth and well into my 40's, but I've never heard the term "pegging"; as in no pegging in wiffle ball. What is pegging? Thanks.
Jon, pegging is the lifeblood of wiffle ball. If pegging were an artery it would be the aorta, if pegging were a planet it would be Jupiter. If pegging were a comedian it would be Sacha Baron Cohen. It is the alpha and the omega.
Also, it’s when one person throws the ball at the other person in an attempt to get them out. You attempt to peg an opposing player as they run in between bases.
The word pegging derives from an old pirate game when pirates would remove their peg legs and attempt to throw them at one another after drinking bottles of rum. Actually, strike that, I have no idea where the word pegging comes from.
A man realizes far too late that his striped Adidas shorts offer no protection
from being pegged.
The Captain from North Adams, Mass. wrote:
What about using a chair for a strike zone?
Absolutely, a must have. No excuses not to have a chair. Now the real argument becomes, how big of a chair?
Kurt Nordquist from Houston, Texas:
Outstanding. As a Wiffle Ball player in the 70's, 80's, 90's and ....... ???? zeroes?..... I loved this article. But, as any other sport, even Wiffle Ball must have its adjustments made to meet the present day needs of the sport as it becomes more "corporate" and "commercial". Who knew that batting one-handed with a beer in the open hand would become the norm at company functions? It is now. It might not be in the rulebook, but neither was celebrating TD's with props or vibrant celebratory dances - now an NFL mandatory inclusion for almost any player (and even corporate CEO's when they hit a ball over 10' in Wiffle Ball seemingly - complete with the rabid applause giv! en towards the CEO's gyrations by all the boardroom members who've been kissing said CEO's backside for years). Off soapbox. Wiffle Ball rules. Batter up. Where's my beer anyway?
The CEO took your beer and now you’re going to have to pretend you didn’t notice this fact. Sucks. Just be glad he’s not giving your wife excessively long hugs this time.
Also, I’ve always been partial to calling the 2000’s the digits, but then I’m partial to lots of things that no one else is. Like the Japanamation series Robotech.
Michael Phillips from Aurora, IL:
I'm not sure how much faith I can put in this set of rules, when they don't even use the term "ghost runner."
Michael, excellent point. DH Canon #32 is: Children learn more by arguing about ghost runners than they do in fifth or sixth grade combined. I’ve got a column coming about this shortly. Your objection to the rules is duly noted.
Evidently there are gay ghost runners.
Scott, Smithfield, NC:
So is it ok to hop, skip, or jump the basepaths? How about doing the "worm"? Can I walk briskly or trot like a horse? Is the base automatically given or do you have a chance to throw the runner out - assuming that position players can cover other positions. Is there a speed limit on pitching or a required distance from the "mound"? It's obvious you can throw overhand or they wouldn't show you how to throw a curveball on the side of the box. Kind of lame rules if you think about it. You could feasibly do a swinging bunt every batter and score a million runs (eventually). I'm sure most people can live without the pegging but at least play some positions. It's fun watching ! someone getting to base while the fielder accidently throws a curveball and an out can turn into an 2 base error.
Good point on the swinging bunt. This has to be outlawed early on. You can always tell who will be trying to play the angles and do the swinging bunt too. Contrary to popular expectation it’s never the smallest kid or the smallest adult who tries to pull this. If you’re a kid this is the person who always tries to trade sports cards before anyone else gets the newest Beckett Baseball Monthly. If you’re an adult it’s always the guy who has the cheapest car insurance and can actually tell you what his costs. Book it.
So ban swinging bunts to start with since, like the Supreme Court, we all know it when we see it. As for hopping, skipping or jumping around the base paths, a nice wiffle mark on your skin will teach you that method of movement is nowhere near as important as dodging-power. Remember it’s all about the motion of the ocean.
Josh from Boston, Mass:
It's great to see a story on the quintessential American institution of wiffle ball (spelled correctly even - well done)! I'm an avid wiffler, and barring a few subtle differences, you've pretty well nailed the style i've always played. One significant omission i noticed in the rules, though, is the calling of balls and strikes. We use a rectangle of plexiglass to serve as our umpire (about $5 at home depot). It's about the shape of a typical player's strike zone, and mounted just behind the plate. That way, if the ball hits the strike zone, it's a strike, if not it's a ball. Simple as that. Also, since a wiffle ball is less predictable than a baseball (or maybe due to the accuracy! of our pitching), we play with 2 strikes to an out, 5 balls to a walk, and a foul on the 2nd strike is a strikeout. That sounds harsh, but it makes for lower scoring games. Oh, and a hit batsman only counts if blood is drawn. ;) happy wiffling
Nice suggestion and this solves the issue of the chair-size. Also if someone is drawing blood with a wiffle ball I want them on my team.
Brad Dowie Lakeville, MA:
Clay, Great article and bravo for bringing to light some of the strict guidelines for which this beloved backyard game can be played. I personally have no objection to the no running, if only because I'm too lazy and would be unwilling to spill my "drink" while trying to run.
Brad, one of the great joys of adult wiffle ball is watching drunk people run, throw, and attempt to catch. You are really robbing your friends and family if you’re not letting them see you run. Have a heart.
Kevin from Salt Lake City, Utah:
These rules scream of "Over The Line." The beach version of softball... What a travesty (Travisty?)!
Kevin, I have no idea what the first part of your email is about but you win the, “How long will it take for a reader to turn my last name into Travisty?” The answer was nine months and twelve days. Your prize is the eternal renown and groupie-inducing cachet of a mention on my column. For the record, once I learned the word travesty I knew sports headline writers would salivate at the opportunity to write witty headlines like this. Luckily, I had minimal athletic ability and never gave them the chance to impress everyone with their vocabulary.
Joe from North Carolina wrote:
Clay, Loved your wiffle ball article. My friends and I play every Sunday, but we have running, and we definately have pegging. Check out our site. Come play if you’re ever in eastern NC. http://ervin68.home.mindspring.com/index.html
Joe, last time I was in North Carolina I watched both GW and UT be eliminated within two hours of one another during the NCAA Tournament in Greensboro. So I’m still a little bitter about my experience in the state. I feel like there is a 100% chance I would tear my ACL while attempting to evade a pegging. Appreciate the invite though.
Actually, after checking out your wiffle ball website replete with stats maybe I’ll reconsider. I only wish I had been there on 9/18/05 for “Unit”’s perfect wiffle ball game. Astounding. It was so amazing that Randy Johnson evidently stole his nickname from you guys.
Zack Eustis:
Thanks for giving Wiffles the credit it deserves. I am currently enjoying my first year in a league that is widely regarded as the top wiffle league in the country. The rules are a bit different, but there is a very cool website that has everything you'd want to know about our league that it sounds you would enjoy quite a bit: www.hrltwincities.com. Thanks for the article! -Zack (HRL Rockies).
I absolutely love that there is a consensus about the top wiffle league in America. Love it. But what’s up with the Mariners going 3-27 in your league? How is that even possible? Are they batting with broomsticks?
Mariners rejected nickname: The Dancing Broomsticks
Dave Woody of Parkersburg, West Virginia
What kind of fool would try to play Wiffle Ball by the rules anyway? While I recover from the concept that there is an "official" website of Wiffle rules, I think back to all the games we played when I was a kid, and the following ideas come from my memories: (1) Running is essential. Zipping around the basepaths as fast as possible while the other guys took potshots at you was thrilling. (2) "Pegging" is essential. Gearing up for a major whack on an easy target really got the old adrenaline pumping, even if the fat kid never did get a hit. Checking out the holey welts later was also cool. (3) If we'd have had to measure off a field every time we'd have wanted to play, we'd have chosen almost any other sport to play. Half the fun was picking out which tree would be First Base, and brick for Third. Since we often played in the backyard, we had real fences to hit over if we wanted, but it was much more fun to hit toward the house, playing the ricochets as live balls, and using parts of the roof to determine the number of bases. (Over the house was a Homer.) And what wussy can't hit a solid-contact on a Wiffle ball 65 feet anyway? (Using a broomstick would have cracked the ball in no time, and who had that much money?) Oh well. Rather than worrying about Mao, I assume it was the Republicans who got hold of Wiffle Ball to create a "Rules" website anyway. Fight the Power! Damn the Man! Rage against the Machine!
You’re right, the damn Republicans ruin everything. On the other hand maybe it was the Democrats who didn’t want anyone’s feelings to get hurt from pegging and pulled running and pegging out of the rules. Oh the horror, are even wiffle ball rules politically correct now? Next time these rules get revised there won’t even be an actual wiffle ball since every kid hits differently. Kids will just swing with an imaginary bat and then decide how many bases they get so no one’s feelings get hurt. Shoot me now, please.
Ed Coffey of Camp Hill, Pa wrote:
While your dissertation is extremely informative, I contend that part of the beauty of Wiffle Ball is the semi-Darwinic adaptation of the game evidenced by the NYC suburb subspecies known as Levittown Man. The Wiffle Ball game played there in the sixties consisted of the pitcher standing on end of the driveway, with the batter set up in front of the garage. The garage door was raised on cardboard boxes, so the windows were not exposed. This is key. Neglecting to raise the garage door exposes the windows, risking them to breakage and risking Levittown Man to the possibility of death at the hands of parents and the inability to spread his DNA. The only hit is a home run, which is across the street and over the opposite curb. A ball that doesn't make it across the opposite curb is an out. A strikeout is either on swings or a direct hit on the garage door center panel. While wiffle ball is a wondrous sport, it still pales and cowers under the glare of stickball.
Ed, I think this response is what Longfellow would have written about wiffle ball if he were still alive today.
Longfellow deeply contemplates whether to throw the curveball or the fastball.
Lou from Long Island, NY
Great story - brought back some great memories of my childhood...Some of us couldn't play on that type of field. Here's what we had to deal with... just to name a few... 1. Hedges - the damages they can do when you run into them to make a great catch. 2. Do overs - or CAR COMING...some of us had to play on our driveways. 3. Trying to throw a curve ball after the ball broke... 4. The neighbor’s dog. See the movie "SANDLOT" 5. Using a chair as a strike zone...what happens if the ball goes under the arm of the chair but doesn't hit the back of the chair. Serious arguments always ensued. Thanks for some fond memories.
Lou, you nailed the field. On our field, my Uncle Hugh’s house was next door and the side of his house was a two story brick wall. Sort of a Camden Yards of Nashville wiffle ball. For several years we struggled with all our might to put the wiffle ball off his house which would be an automatic homerun. To this day, I still remember that early summer day before third grade started when my friends and I were finally strong enough to hit the wiffle ball off the brick wall. It was like getting ice cream for breakfast for a week. Those slow jogs around the bases preceded by ghost men were some of the sweetest moments of the preteen years. And a grandslam with three ghost men coming home? Don’t even get me started.
A very scientific rendering of a wiffle field.
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