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Charity wheelchair basketball and the NFL preseason
08/18/06
by Clay
About the time the Star Wars stormtrooper started hitting on the Tennessee Titans cheerleaders during Drew Bennett's charity wheelchair basketball game, it occurred to me my night had taken an odd twist.
It was Tuesday and my plan had been a relaxed night of watching a DVR'ed Real World/Road Rules: Fresh Meat episode to make sure my boy Wes continued to advance while utilizing his particular blend of insanity-laced individualism. (Incidentally, and I'm not making this up, Wes e-mailed me after my recent column ran and he sends his greetings to his fanbase and has promised not to disappoint us in upcoming episodes.)
But before I could sit back and watch the show, about 20 minutes before 7 p.m., my buddy Tardio calls and says, "We're going to Drew Bennett's charity wheelchair basketball game. I'll pick you up in 10 minutes." This leads us to Canon No. 521: When someone invites you to go to a charity wheelchair basketball game, you go.
Before we get along any further, let me say Tennessee Titans wide receiver Drew Bennett and all the guys who came out to participate in the "2nd Annual Drew Bennett Celebrity Wheelchair Basketbrawl Game" deserve some credit for giving up their time in an effort to raise money for the United Cerebral Palsy of Middle Tennessee charity. Except for ice-skater Scott Hamilton that is, God knows he had nothing better to do. If you're interested in making a contribution to the charity, here's their Web site: http://thedrewcrew.us/.
Having said that, the night's festivities provided constant opportunities to be shocked, amazed and entertained. It was like a high school party thrown by the kid who was friends with every single person in the high school. Pacman Jones, meet Two Foot Fred (actually, 3-foot-2) from the MusikMafia; Sarah Stone, the winner from the most recent edition of The Bachelor, meet Olympic gold medalist Scott Hamilton; Vince Young, meet country music singer Jo Dee Messina. Hopefully you get the idea. This is good enough, but then put everyone in wheelchairs and it's like watching giraffes attempt to ice-skate.
Imagine that scene, then surround the court with the Titans cheerleaders and, of course, a collection of Star Wars re-enactors. Yep, there were at least three stormtroopers, a Darth Vader, an Emperor Palpatine, Boba Fett, a Princess Leia, a Lando Calrissian and a Luke Skywalker. At one point, a stormtrooper wandered too close to the wheelchair bench and M.J. Garrett from Real World: Philadelphia managed to get his blaster and twirl it around. (Surely this is against Imperial Troop Policy). I was halfway expecting for R2D2 to appear and shoot the basketball out of his head for the opening tip.
The game got off to a rough start when each individual player was introduced. That's because it turns out the Lipscomb University basketball court was not wheelchair accessible -- at least not the corner where the players were being introduced. Oh, the irony. So the players all got hung up on the edge of the court while their names were being called. Eventually, several guys managed to lift the players' wheelchairs and help them enter the court in style. It would have been better if Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine had gotten on either side of the wheelchairs and given the players a lift to enter the court. Then came the game.
My quest to be the most informative sports columnist in the world is well chronicled, as is my fervent pursuit of a Pulitzer Prize for writing hard-hitting investigative columns about "your momma" jokes and Wiffle Ball. To that end, since everyone else who has a sports column seems to be focusing on NFL training camps, here are some impressions I picked up during the course of the charity wheelchair basketball game that may be very significant once the Tennessee Titans' regular season arrives:
1. Vince Young can't dunk. He pinned himself four times while attempting to dunk. He looked like Diana Taurasi during the WNBA All-Star game. Seriously, Vince Young is 6-foot-5 and has arms so long he'd make Mr. Fantastic jealous. Young might actually have a worse vertical jump than figure skater Scott Hamilton. So if it's late in the fourth quarter and Young takes off from about the three yard line and doesn't make it over the pile and into the end zone, remember that I told you all about his vertical issues.
2. Look for Titans cornerback Pacman Jones to really show some improvement in the secondary this season. I know this because Pacman made an absolutely stellar steal from Nashville, Tenn. native Sarah of The Bachelor. Sarah was in the open court and Pacman just wheeled out of nowhere to snag the basketball. For the record, the preceding two sentences might be the most unexpected sentences I have ever written in the history of the this column. And that's truly saying something.
3. Former Olympic ice-skating gold medalist Scott Hamilton now lives in Nashville and at one point had a conversation with Titans All-Pro linebacker Keith Bullock. I would give anything for a transcript of this conversation. Maybe Hamilton was offering tips on body control should Bullock find himself on an actual frozen tundra this fall.
4. M.J. Garrett from the Real World: Philadelphia can dunk and Vince Young can't. What odds would you have given me on this beforehand? Also, M.J. held conversational court at one point for a rapt audience of Titans players. I guess this makes sense -- MJ did win a Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet championship whereas most current Titans players have never even won a playoff game. Plus, this dovetails nicely with the Titans' theme for the 2006 campaign: "Learn from whomever you can ... even reality television stars."
5. Keith Bulluck and Titans running back Chris Brown both swatted actual shots by wheelchair-bound basketball players with authority. And I mean swatted. Tardio and I could hear the echo. There was a sort of dull buzz after these blocks like when a grown man blocks a kid's shot during a pick-up game. On the positive side, I'm guessing this means both men are primed for competitive combat.
6. Every pass presumptive Titans starting quarterback Billy Volek threw was a long one. Somehow, this didn't surprise me. Volek might be the only quarterback in NFL history who hasn't completed a pass for less than ten yards. Volek goes deep -- even in wheelchair basketball.
7. Titans center Kevin Mawae showed up really late, at about halftime. He came running across the court trying to change clothes before he even got to the locker room. This does not bode well for his pre-snap reads as the play clock is ticking down.
8. Drew Bennett could be elected mayor of Nashville without campaigning. Also, there are only three women in the entire city who wouldn't date him. As if he needed further athletic bona fides, he can also pop a wheelie in a wheelchair. This means, and I'm really stretching here, that Bennett's quads are in good shape for the fall campaign.
9. Titans linebacker Cody Spencer refused to stay seated and twice climbed out of his wheelchair -- once to score a basket while standing and another time to grab the basketball. When he scored the first time, the crowd was absolutely silent. If it was a joke, it went over about as well as George W. Bush's shoulder rub of German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Tardio nudged me and deadpanned, "Spencer needs to stop making mental errors." Notwithstanding the overly aggressive wheelchair basketball plays, look for Spencer to make a strong push in the Titans' linebacker rotation.
10. Stormtrooper. It appears unlikely the stormtrooper will make any significant headway either in Titans training camp or with the Titans cheerleaders. He lacks ideal size and his decision-making is clearly an issue since he relinquished his blaster to another man. Plus, and this is key, he's sworn allegiance to the forces of evil. This means he has to play for the Colts.
As for the cheerleader angle, hitting on NFL cheerleaders is never easy, but somehow I think being clad entirely in white battle armor replete with special breathing apparatus really lowers your chances. Plus, girls these days just aren't really that impressed with wrist comlinks, battle holocams built into helmets, resonators built into the armor (to open external doors) or external helmet lights. They already have T-Mobile Sidekicks -- what more do they need? Look for the Imperial stormtrooper to go home alone.
Consider yourself suitably enlightened about Titans preseason news. Personally, I'm going to go ahead and make hotel room reservations in New York City and start working on my Pulitzer Prize acceptance speech.
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