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Rules for your Top 5
08/14/06
by DJ

What’s Your Top 5?

You heard it first on Friends... you heard it again on Entourage yesterday. You talk about it all the time with your significant other. Who are the top five people that I could bone if I ever meet them, not like you’d have a chance in hell in either respect. But in keeping with the DH mantra of prime numbers, chicks, booze, and sports, I will tie them in all together for you in a succinct list of how to successfully pick your stable. Actually, for the booze part just crack a beer open, I can’t do everything for you, man. So much research has gone into this list and with the impending CFB season on the horizon, I decided to tie the two into each other so even the layman can understand, by comparing your top five list with the USA today Week 1 CFB polls. So the same rules for choosing the teams apply to choosing your top five list. And no, this isn’t objectifying women; I am just trying to make the world a better place, one horny sports crazed reader at a time. I can’t change the world, I am just working with what I have been given. Try to keep up, and use a pencil, because you will no doubt be editing your original list. First start out by (off the top of your head or if you already know it, which you should) seeding them 1-5. Here are the 11 Rules….

Rule 1: Remember this is a TOP 5 list….

Simply put, this means that she must be a contender. This isn’t a top 10 list or a top 25 list. Whatever happened in the off season (babies, divorces, trouble with the law) should affect her ranking, just as in real life football. Just because she is hot, that doesn’t always put her in the top 5. There are just too many choices if that is the only criteria. For example, Gwyneth Paltrow is hot, but she isn’t top five material. Her star power isn’t high nor does she have that X factor, that something that makes you want to swear when you see her. She would be like a mid major school, like Miami (OH) or Boise State. Just like Rebecca Romijn. Definitely top 25-15 material, but not quite there yet. And a bad year could have her in the Others Receiving Votes (ORV) category, permanently. Only the crème de la crème here guys. Don’t you want the best for yourself?

Rule 2: They must be well rounded and multifaceted.

This category alone eliminates several choices. Like Ohio State, Texas, USC, and Notre Dame are the top four in this year’s week one USA Today poll. You’d be hard pressed to find a glaring weakness in any of those teams. This is how your top choices should be. Likely candidates are Halle Berry, Anna Kournikova, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, and Beyonce to name a few. Dynasties if you will. Like teams rich in tradition, they are steeped in the annals of hotness. This rule should dictate at least your top two choices, and a strong top five that is something I like to call “Unfuckwitable” should have three. Imagine a college football poll bereft of national powers and that is what your list would be without some of these choices.

Rule 3: Variety is a must

You can’t have all brunettes or blondes. Or all actresses or all models, or all one race for that matter. Just like the CFB polls one conference won’t dominate the top five as a general rule. Upon citing your list, the hearer should have to say, “Hmmm… Interesting”.

Rule 4: The four spot is the most crucial choice in your list

A weak number four will mess the whole thing up. Just like a weak four ranking in the polls will throw everything out of wack for weeks if they have a bad start to the season. This year’s number four is Notre Dame, a very solid choice. You will get a strong performance no matter what from this team and you know what to expect. Your number four is like special teams to a football game, a necessary evil. Popular and solid four choices are Paris Hilton, Eva Longoria, Maria Sharapova, Jessica Alba, and possibly Alyssa Milano or Jessica Simpson.

Rule 5: You have to throw in the slut factor

Do they scream “do me” at first glance? Would you sell parts of your body on Ebay to get at them? Smuttiness is very underrated in top 5 lists. This is also called the “sexy pick” in college football, like the pick that everyone wants to win it all that particular year. The most appealing entity based on past “performances”. In the past, it has always been Miami (FL). They dominated the sexy pick for years. Now it is teams like West Virginia and Louisville. Teams with an outside chance if they’d just be themselves. Comparable chicks are Paris Hilton, Mariah Carey, Shakira, Tiffany Thiessen, and Carmen Electra. They will never be number one, but a strong 5 seed is not out of the picture for them coming into the season. But beware of going too trashy, like Tara Reid, aka Baylor, or Pamela Anderson, aka Duke.

Rule 6: You have to have a legit darkhorse

No poll is complete without some controversy, but legit controversy is the key. You can’t just bust out with Jennifer Garner or Katie Holmes in your top 5. That’d be like having Michigan, Iowa, or Alabama in your top 5 on any given year. Just too much can go wrong and do they really deserve it? A legit darkhorse is either a proven vet such as Demi Moore, Elizabeth Hurley, Courtney Cox, Rachel Hunter or an up and comer (no pun intended) like Elisha Cuthbert, Kate Hudson, Nelly Furtado, Charlize Theron, Scarlett Johanssen, or Jaime Pressley. Some one you have to actually make yourself rule out due to facts. CFB teams in this category are Auburn, Oklahoma, and Florida. They are on the cusp of top 5 greatness, and it’s up to them to put themselves in. This is the hardest pick on your list because they must not only pass every rule with flying colors, they also must have star power and potential.

Rule 7: Weed out the ORV chicks

The Others Receiving Votes chicks are the Texas Techs, Colorados, TCU’s, UT’s, and lower teams… definitely hot as hell, but with one bad week they will be an afterthought. These are the fluffers of the polls. Chicks like Tyra Banks, Cameron Diaz, Mandy Moore, and Alicia Keys fall into this category.

Rule 8: No crazy chicks

If they have broken down on TV or have obvious problems, then let them go. Programs with problems are the same. They are going to kill themselves and thus kill the rankings. Teams like this are Georgia, UT, the Hurricanes, Florida State, and Cal. They aren’t keepers. Their chick counterparts would be Naomi Campbell, Madonna, Britney Spears, Ashley Judd, Christina Aguilera, Famke Jansen, Nicole Ritchie, Jenny McCarthy, and Denise Richards. Basically chicks that you would be afraid to let babysit your kids or introduce to your mother for fear of an emotional breakdown or violence.

Rule 9: No porn stars

Sorry Jenna and Kobe Tai. The beauty of the top 5 is that it leaves something to the imagination, just like weekly CFB polls. These chicks, although they are clearly hot, are out by default. Besides, is it your fantasy to get with a chick that has that much mileage? Probably, you whore.

Rule 10: There must be an age memorandum

Just like you can’t say, “Man, the Hurricanes in the 90’s would beat any team this year!” So what? They are an afterthought, even though they were badasses. You can’t live on memories and just like in CFB polls, it’s “what have you done for me lately?” This isn’t a video game where you can play with classic teams—get with the times. So over 45 is too old. Or if they are hot and just seem like they are about to die then they are too old. Believe me, once you say their name out loud next to the others on the list, you will know what too old is. Candidates are Susan Sarandon, Bo Derek, soon to be Pamela Anderson, Meg Ryan, and Madonna.

Rule 11: They must make you swear

This is perhaps the most important criterion besides number one. Upon first glance at their emanating heat any medium they are portrayed, if a swear word involuntarily shoots from your mouth (sometimes accompanied by a wince), then she has “it”. This “it” is the main thing you are looking for and you will know “it” when you see “it”. The more severe the involuntary swear word, the hotter she is, and thus the higher up she should rank. Outright blasphemy can not only put them on your list eternally, but can also qualify her in your Hall of Fame, which is a column for a different time. Baby steps.

These are rules to live by. Please follow them closely and your top five will be “Unfuckwitable” just like mine. What are mine you ask? That’s for me to know and for you to find out. Your list should be so airtight that if you died the next day, you would be satisfied with this achievement. If you aren’t at this point yet, review and edit as needed. Post yours on the message board for the world to see or hit us up through our gmail system.

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