 |
 |
 |
| previous column | next column |
2006 Tennessee Titans Preview
08/21/06
by Clay
Clay wrote this for Deadspin.com’s NFL preview of the Tennessee Titans. The motif of this oeuvre was "why my team is better than yours."
The Tennessee Titans are the best football team in the NFL because they aren’t your team. They don’t suck. Their players don’t suckle on super-mint lozenges and wear tiger-striped jocks like your team does. And their wives don’t blow portly deliverymen from UPS while dancing in spandex to MTV pilates videos like the wives of your team’s players do. That’s because the Titans don’t suck. In case you still aren’t convinced that the Titans are better than your team I’ve crafted an eleven-point preseason analysis that is destined to be the talk of locker rooms from Hanoi to Ho Chi Minh City.
Who your teams’ wives blow.
1. Quarterback Billy Volek to receiver Drew Bennett is the greatest undrafted free agent to undrafted free agent combination in NFL history. I know this because I have spent hours researching this fact. If, however, this is not true and there is a better undrafted free agent combination then I will not be bitter about the research of someone else. Even though this same person will inevitably still masturbate to old photos of Michael Knight lounging on top of K.I.T.T.
You sick bastards, you’re doing it right now, aren’t you?
2. Albert Haynesworth is the best defensive tackle in the AFC and he was born with a full beard. Name me any other defensive player in the league who is only twenty-five and has had a beard for every year and every day of his entire life. Fact is, you can’t. That’s because your team is made up of dew-faced pansies.
Albert Haynesworth at nine minutes old.
3. Vince Young throws a football just like Uncle Rico. This means in the always important, which NFL team is most likely to be featured in Napoleon Dynamite II, the Titans win hands down. Also, our new mascot is a liger.
The white Vince Young…or is Young the black Uncle Rico?
4. Titans cornerback Pacman Jones used to live across the street from a friend of mine who had a racist dog. Every time Pacman Jones walked by the dog would go crazy. Yet Pacman was still very nice to her and her dog. Would you be nice to someone if they had a racist dog? Didn’t think so. You racist.
I’ll confess, I’m a little scared that this picture actually exists.
5. Are you male and do you have a wife or girlfriend between the ages of eighteen and thirty? If so, only by the grace of god has Drew Bennett not decided to sleep with her. Seriously, you owe him. If he wanted to, after ten minutes, he could have her reenacting any scene from any porno movie filmed in the San Fernando Valley in the last fifteen years. Yep…even that one you’re thinking about right now.
Everything Jenna’s ever done…Drew could get your girlfriend to do with him.
6. You probably think dreadlocks on football players are played out. Boy, are you ever wrong, they’re so dope. Dreadlocks are so cool, they’re frozen. And safety Lamont Thompson has the coolest dreadlocks in the league. So there. Face.
F-A-C-E
7. Keith Bulluck’s actual skin is Under Armour.
This is actually Keith Bulluck. We just cut his head out.
8. Ben Troupe put on a dress replete with lace pantaloons and a hoop skirt and played Mother Ginger at a performance of the Nashville Ballet last year. The next game he played in the pantaloons, and was still faster than your best defensive back. When he scored, he signed the hoop from his dress and gave it to a fan. That’s class.
9. Jesse Mahelona is from Hawaii. Does your team have a player from Hawaii? No, of course not, because your coaches are too fat to sit on an airplane that long. Also, if they were on the airplane, the coaches of your team like pina coladas and would get drunk off one cocktail after which they would lead the entire plane in a sing-a-long to that pina coladas song about getting drunk in the rain. Whereas the Titans coaches are so committed to their gameplans they get drunk off pure ethanol and then only if they consume three gallons in one sitting.
Just when I thought my days of hearing that Mahelona was from Hawaii were over…the
Titans went and drafted him. Now I think I’ll hear about him being from Hawaii
for the rest of my life.
10. NFL Jock Sizes: X-Large, XX-Large, Kyle Vanden Bosch.
Seriously, why did you think this man was always smiling?
11. Jeff Fisher’s mustache was the model for Colin Farrell in Miami Vice. Colin actually came to Nashville and spent a few weeks following Fisher around just to see how he combed and spruced up the ‘stache. Once when Jeff Fisher cut off his mustache the city of Nashville sank twenty feet. We don’t like to talk about it.
The man, the myth, the ‘stache that sailed a thousand ships.
________________________
Discuss this and any other column deadlyhippos.com column at our message board.