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The Great Soapbox Derby Debate
08/29/06
by Clay

When Clay wrote about the Great Soapbox Derby a few weeks ago, he didn't expect to run into someone like reader Robert. Actually, I'm guessing even Robert's mother never expected to run into someone like Robert. Here is Clay's column, and Robert's response below.

It's been 100 degrees for about 40 days in a row in Nashville, Tenn., yet somehow, I have a cold. Summer colds are like the viruses' ultimate revenge -- not only is your nose running, but you are sweating all the time. All these vanishing liquids makes it seem possible that you might end up entirely melting away like the Wicked Witch at the end of Wizard of Oz.

Plus, I'm coming off a nasty debut in NCAA Football 07 where I folded in the fourth quarter and allowed my friend Tardio to score 21 unanswered points and steal victory from me. Tardio has subsequently called me about 15 times to rub in my defeat. Plus, he accused me of crying during the game because I was sniveling so much. So I figured there was nothing better to aid my recovery than watching young people ride down the side of a hill during the 69th annual Soap Box Derby from lovely Akron, Ohio.

1. "This is hallowed ground for youngsters from across the globe," says a gravelly-voiced announcer who sounds exactly like the fake voice your parents would adopt when they told you not to talk to strange men. "989 field, where dreams become reality. Today in Akron, Ohio, 500 kids square off pushed downhill by only gravity and hope." Cue to man with white mustache who says, "Here at Akron, you are racing the best kids in the world." All this for a soap box derby. I've got chills ... from the summer cold.

2. "This is the greatest amateur racing event in the world," says the announcer who your parents warned you about. Is there any other amateur racing event in the world? I guess this makes my diary here the Greatest Reporting of an Amateur Racing Event in the World."

3. Here are our announcers, Jeff Iula and Vince Welch. Iula competed in the 1966 derby and this is his 48th consecutive Soap Box Derby to witness in person. Iula is the Cal Ripken of the derby and is wearing a very understated American flag tie.

4. Somehow, there will be six champions. There is a sideline reporter and maybe it's the Nyquil, but I can barely understand anything she says. She seems to be speaking at a really rapid pace. I do manage to glean that there is a difference in cars, helmets, ages, brakes, weights and that the sideline reporter, Shannon Spake, has a shirt that is so tight she's going to have be cut out of it later.

5. Okay, these are the six competitive divisions: Stock (the youngest), Rally Super Stock (somewhere in between young and old), Rally Masters (the oldest), All-American Stock, All-American Super Stock, All-American Masters. This is so confusing. Are the stock racers communists or are they so avowedly American that they don't need the country's imprimatur?

6. The derby racetrack is three lanes wide flanked by flags from all 50 states and is 989.4 feet long. 989 feet would have just been ridiculous.

7. William Myers, 14, becomes the first racer to be interviewed after a victory. Question from the sideline reporter, who for some reason is wearing those huge soundproofing earmuffs you see at NASCAR events: "What was the key to your run, did you just pick the right side of the lane, the lane strategy?" Myers: "Just go down the center of the dashed line and the striped line." This is confirming what I had feared -- there seems to be relatively minimal nuance involved in these races.

8. Seriously, what is the need for these sideline reporter headsets? Is she aware these cars don't have engines? Or is she just trying to confuse us about the intensity of the experience?

9. I'm out of Kleenexes and my nose is running like Urban Meyer's tears during the Florida Gators' post-game conference.

10. Every race has been decided by a half-length of a car or less. And the announcers have still not explained what distinguishes a winning time from a losing time. I'm beginning to believe it is entirely based on weight, i.e. the heavier you are, the faster you go down hill.

11. Rally Masters (the oldest kids) requires you to lie down on your back and you get to paint your own car. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is the only time a father will ever be rooting for his teenage daughter to lie down on her back in a car. All you can see is the very top of the kid's heads. This is fortunate because it makes them smaller targets for the other kids who make fun of them for racing soap box derby cars.

12. So there was just an advertisement for the World Series of Darts. I hate to say this, but so far, the Soap Box Derby might be the only sporting event I have ever watched that makes darts seem exciting.

13. The crowd is going crazy as the cameras pan over them. By crowd, I mean the 500 people who showed up to watch this event. Several people have their cell phones to presumably call friends and family. Isn't this sort of a difficult call to make? On the one hand, you're on television, on the other hand you're spending your Saturday watching the Soap Box Derby in person.

14. Meanwhile, back in Nashville, where I am watching the Soap Box Derby alone with a summer cold, there has been a long interlude featuring stories about celebrities who have raced Soap Box Derby cars. Of a screen full of celebrities, I recognize three of them: Johnny Carson in 1938, Frankie Muniz from Malcolm in the Middle in 1991 and Tom Sneva from 1961. Wait, scratch that, I have no idea who Tom Sneva is.

15. I just took a shot of Nyquil. This stuff makes Jagermeister taste like cotton candy. Who in the world are these kids who drink Nyquil to get drunk? They must have stomachs of absolute iron ... or tapeworms.

16. It's time for a celebrity soap box derby race featuring Jimmie Johnson who is the Nextel points leader for NASCAR against Stephanie Inglezakis who won a soap box world championship last year. I think I speak for everyone when I say I'm trembling with anticipation. Jimmie Johnson wins and immediately fires his agent upon climbing out of the soap box.

17. Post-race Johnson analyzes the key to his victory, "I believe it was all weight and I can guarantee you I didn't see anything ... I don't even know what that hill looked like." What a sport. Fat kids should look into this.

18. So someone just won from Washington state. How do the soap box derby cars travel? Do they get shipped on planes or do they have their own travel trailer? Or do the parents just tie them to the back of the car and make the kids practice driving straight from the actual road?

19. Times the phrase "world championship" has been used today thus far: About three billion.

20. My wife comes into the room just in time for announcer Iula to comment on the "experience" of one of the racers. "How does experience even matter?" she asks, rapidly grasping the lack of nuance involved in the races. "It's who's the fattest," she says. Iula is asked whether the rain affects the racers: "If it hits them in the face," he says. Yeah, rain that hits me in the face affects me too.

21. The Reggie Bush fantasy football commercial is the best part of the soap box derby so far. "I can't believe you took me first, it was so dumb," Bush says. Kenny Mayne follows up this ad by losing his title of my favorite sarcastic announcer with his Progressive Insurance commercial where he's sitting alone in the stadium. I only hope he was given the country of Lichtenstein for making this horrible commercial. My favorite part is where Mayne checks his watch like he was expecting the stadium not to be empty with a game currently playing. What improvisation ... brilliant.

22. The heavens have opened on the soap box derby. The rain is really getting in everyone's eyes now. There are about 10 people in the stands at this thing.

23. From a story about the Snead soap box derby family, Mama Snead says, "I think it's important to know how to use your hands and build something to be proud of; something that you helped build and you didn't buy it ..." My wife cuts her off, "Except you did buy it, you bought the soap box derby kit that already had everything inside." Personally, I like Mama Snead's logic. I also built my own Ikea table.

24. Canon No. 398: If you're the father of a soap box derby contestant, you must have a mustache.

25. The camera catches a woman crying in the audience. Presumably this woman just realized she chose to spend her family vacation in Akron, Ohio at the Soap Box Derby.

26. We go to the start line for an exhilarating display of what the starter says to commence the race. After a prolonged delay in lane one, the starter does his starting: "One, two, three go," he says. Wow, I'm glad my misconceptions about what the starter did have been cleared up.

27. So I just realized I accidentally took the night-time Nyquil instead of the day-time Nyquil. Everything is blurry and I'm fighting to keep my eyes open.

28. The Rally Stock Championship race appears to be an exact three-way tie. Seriously. After a photo review, Michael Bridges is named the winner. But then during the post-race interview, the wrong name (second place finisher William Myers) is flashed on the screen. Can't you just see William Myers watching the tape of this race in about 25 years and cursing the error on the screen? This tape will be his very own "I coulda been a contenda" moment.

29. Far be it for me to criticize the production of this expert event, but the soap box derby has been on for an hour and a half now and we've just had one "world champion" crowned. Incidentally, the world champion reference has just hit six billion on the telecast.

30. The Rally Super Stock ends in another virtual tie and we once again have to go to the photo review. Olivia Murphy takes the world championship.

31. The Rally Masters end with a winner that does not require a photo review. Scott Reed describes his strategy, which is predictably, "Just trying to keep it straight." We're halfway through crowning our world champions.

32. All-American Stock: Michael Neely wins and talks some trash about beating his brother in a preliminary race. Then the interviewer closes the interview with, "Michael Neely you need to go home and put that trophy right in front of your brother." Ouch.

33. All-American Super Stock: Sally Sue Thornton wins by a literal fingernail. I wouldn't be surprised if this race is protested. This one could get nasty. The close margin is surprising, but what's shocking is that Sally Sue is from California and not somewhere in the South. I would have wagered big money on her being Southern.

34. All-American Masters: Garrett Kyser wins and explains that he races because, "I just didn't want my childhood to be sitting around the house." What an endorsement of soap box racing. We close out with an interview of Garrett's dad, Fritz, who has the most outstanding mustache of the fathers. He looks like Johnnycakes from The Sopranos.

35. So I've called about 15 people and asked whether they ever raced or knew someone who raced soap box derby cars. Everyone says they never have and they don't know anyone who has. This is truly a sport for the masses. I can't wait for next year.

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Occasionally, I get turned into the FBI over columns I write -- like the Soap Box Derby. This is thanks to readers like Robert who are vigilant in protecting the country. Sometimes people like this even send me seven or eight e-mails in 24 hours. Without further ado, meet the best advocate for the Soap Box Derby since Tom Sneva back in 1961 (don’t worry, no one knows him either). As you can see, Robert initially wrote requesting that I contact him for an interview. Rather than slant the coverage, I decided to let his own e-mails and comments eloquently advocate his position. Here was Robert’s first e-mail sent to SPiN. We haven't edited it for spelling and grammar, but at times, small edits were made to keep this from turning into a 15,000-word column.

Did you ever achieve anything when you were a kid? how about now? any achievements? If you are a true reporter, you will respond to this and tell me why I am wrong. But....you wont because you are the piece of s--- reporter that you just showed here. I am sure you will see just how you have put yourself in a bad spot with this article. It is being forwarded around the world to all derby people. You will get your responses. To make matters even funnier to all of us.....we have some really big ties to NASCAR. This article is also being forwarded to all the Famous Drivers that have done derby. Jimmy Johnson is very proud of this event and is helping to get this around that commuinty as well. Mario Andretti, AJ Foyt, and many others have all raced Soap Box.

I hope you enjoy sitting around on your couch and watching TV like this weekend ....because that is what we are all hoping happens to you after you cant find anymore work after being black balled! Go ahead and laugh.....you may think "what can this guy do?" I am not making any threats to you. I am merely taking a guess at what your career will be like now that you have made fun of just about every Pro racer in the world!!! so.....prove to me that you do actually have some balls!....be a man.....contact me and interview me on this subject. make me look like an a--. You cant....cause you are the -- and you will prove that by not contacting me. I dare you to try and make me look bad in print. I will look smarter than you anyday...no matter what you write. Good luck with your future. Regards, Robert

If you feel like Googling Robert, here is what you will find: The top result is an IMBD page for a 1989 show called, Jack Spanner, Private Eye. Assuming this is the same guy, I’m sure you were stellar in your role as "Hoodwinked" and "The Old Dick." Otherwise, Google doesn’t come up with anything but a name in the first three pages.

Just because he didn't feel like his point had already been made, Robert e-mailed me again an hour later -- and forwarded this fact to his Soap Box Derby "friends."

I just emailed this a------. Everyone needs to send him something. For those of you who do not know this....I have a nickname...."Mr. Geometry"! Cause everyone says I have all the angles! So.....with that....here is something I have an "angle" on....this guys personal email address!!!!! You look into things hard enough (or with the right angles!) and you can find anything!!!! his personal email is: kleos11@yahoo.com send it all there so he knows that we didnt just hit respond....we took the time to investigate and learn about him unlike he did with the race. Here is something that I found on him that shows he had nothing when he was growing up:

'Clay Travis has an affinity for the television shows Dawson’s Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.'

woo hoo!!! now thats some great accomplishment! Lets all not forget to remind him we know that!

here is more ....in his own words!!!!..........:

'Travis has friends, but he values no relationship more dearly than his with Southeastern Conference broadcaster Verne Lundquist. This is despite the recent strain in the relationship that has arisen over the fact that Lundquist does not know he exists.'

This guy sounds like a stalker!

one more item.......:

'He considers Varsity Blues to be a legitimate work of cinematic genius and believes any suggestion otherwise to be heresy. He was recently baffled over the distinction between heresy and hearsay. On the positive side, he is an expert on the differences between their, there and they're, to and too, your and you're and only wishes his readers were as well.'

Ok....if this the positive side then ...........we are in big trouble!!!!!!!! Now we know this guy is totally off his rocker!!

Hit him up with on his personal email. If you already sent a reply to his column....send him a little note to his yahoo email too!. He will get the point. And lsat....make sure you forward this to anyone invloved in anysports or racing...if you know anyone at Levis or NASCAR....send it to them too.

OK....Im done being mad! now lets just let him know!

Nice "angle" finding my e-mail address, "Mr. Geometry." It’s hidden alright ... it's in my bio. Finally, not to be outdone, Robert e-mailed the FBI and reported my article to them.

TO the FBI: Please read the article written by Clay Travis. I want to know if comments like this are a violation of any type or from. If so it needs to be handled accordingly. Thank you. Regards, Robert

This was just awesome primarily because I had no idea you could even e-mail the FBI. And then to be CC’ed alongside the email address of the FBI after my hard-hitting expose of the televised Soap Box Derby? Priceless. Don’t you just know that the young guy or gal who signed up with the FBI to fight terrorism was really excited to get assigned to "investigate" a SPiN column about the Soap Box Derby? Talk about protecting our country.

This did leave me with several questions, though. Such as, is there now an FBI file with my name on it? Do I have a codename for the investigation? Am I going to start showing up on Do Not Fly lists? Just so many things to wonder about.

Truly, Soap Box Derby fans, with friends like these ... I think you know the rest.

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