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JT's Fantasy Draft Preview
08/23/06
by JT
The time is quickly arriving. Perhaps the most important day of your entire year. The day that decisions are made. Decisions so crucial that they will determine your mental well being, the state of your relationships, and quite possibly your financial freedom for the next year. Of course, I am talking about your Fantasy Football League Draft. Every year we spend countless hours researching, spend countless amounts of money on magazines and on-line insider subscriptions, and waste countless amounts of our employers time, money and resources creating the most professional, most complete, and most laminated draft packets in the history of our lives. If only we devoted as much time and energy to our TPS reports, we'd be running the company. But we don't care about stupid TPS reports for our stupid jobs. We care about our fantasy football teams. Winning and gaining the edge in these leagues is what rules our lives for over half of the year. So what is left for you to do? I've come up with a preview of exactly how your draft will play out this season. Print this out, stick it in the back of your 127 page professionally published draft folder and read it after wards to see if I'm right. I am, trust me.
1. In your preparation you have come up with approximately 31 different scenarios with whom you will draft with the 8th overall pick. When it is your turn to pick you have 24 options left leaving you in a panic. Try not to overreact and take Antonio Gates in the first round because then you "always know you'll outplay their tight end" Gates is a late 2nd / early 3rd rounder at best, try not to out-think yourself on the first pick.
Despite his ability to shoot the J, hold off drafting Antonio Gates until the
2nd or 3rd round.
2. Someone will undoubtedly show up with no draft preparations what-so-ever and ask to borrow your research for every pick. Unless there is a universal, league wide accepted reason* for not doing his own research, he is not permitted to borrow anyone else's research until after the 5th round. The only reason he /she can use someones research beyond this point is so that this person knows who has been picked to keep the draft moving at a decent pace.
*Acceptable reasons are limited to: Being in Vegas for the last 2 weeks, or sleeping with a stripper for the last 2 weeks. All other excuses are unacceptable.
Acceptable reason for not being prepared for your draft. However, showing up
with a cop-stache like this is NOT acceptable.
3. Someone in your league will repeat the phrase "Oh that is a GREAT pick!" several times throughout the draft. This person has never won a championship in the 5+ years you've been in the league but it still makes you feel good about yourself when he says it about you. You will most likely cut this pick by the third week when you realize you wasted a 4th round choice on a guy who will never start. Think TJ Duckett or Quentin Griffin.
4. You have a sleeper pick in your mind. You know this player is going to blow up this year, you have researched it thoroughly leaving no doubt. You decide to take Rod Gardner because your sleeper will make it through one more round. He doesn't. That player ends up being Santana Moss. Not like that happened to me or anything....
5. If you are having an on-line draft that person may have to take a shit at some point during the draft. Try to have your commissioner pause the draft and let everyone refill their beer, it sucks when your computer picks 4 consecutive kickers or QB's... trust me on this one.
6. Eventually someone will draft a player who was a.) injured in the pre-season b.) convicted of a felony in the off-season and suspended for the first 4 games, or c.) failed a drug test in the off-season and is suspended for the first 4 games. This will cause a debate as to whether he/she should be allowed another pick. No way. If you aren't dedicated enough to get that kind of crucial information before the draft then you deserve to have a losing season. If you are reading this and thinking that I'm being too harsh then you are one of the guys who does this. Fuck you, you don't get to pick again.
7. In about the 13th round while trying to decide what 4th string RB he should take, someone will inevitably ask "Does anyone have Shaun Alexander?" You have one, possibly two friends who can successfully pull this joke off every season and still make it funny. To the others you will just give a token laugh or mock without mercy.
"I'll take Peyton Manning! Oh someone already took him?!?! HAHAHA!!!"
8. There will be someone who always forgets that it is his turn. When it comes around to his selection he will inevitably ask "who's pick is it?" after it has already been his pick for a couple of minutes. Don't be this guy.
9. Someone will eventually stop paying attention to who is being drafted and start paying attention to how many Jack and Cokes they can drink. At the end of the draft this guy will just start naming names to see who is still available. "Did anyone take Ashley Lelie? Does anyone have Michael Pittman yet? etc." This guy will somehow end up in the playoffs.
She's definitely making the playoffs this year
10. After the draft is over you are certain you have accomplished the coup of the century. Everyone on your team will make the Pro Bowl and there is no way you can possibly not win the Championship this year. The best 15 players in the entire league are all on your team. The next morning when you wake up you decide to start perusing the free agents when you realize that your team sucks and you are definitely going to lose to me this year. I have a way better team.
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