 |
 |
 |
| previous column | next column |
Unheralded Competitve Eating Stars
08/01/06
by Clay
In a world replete with famine, drought and insufficient crop yields, it should come as no surprise that our country has embraced gluttony by way of competitive eating contests. Takeru Kobayashi has emerged as the Babe Ruth of competitive eating thanks to his six consecutive hot dog eating championships. It seems entirely possible that Kobayashi is currently the most famous Asian man in America (except for Lloyd from Entourage and North Korea's Kim Jong Il, perhaps).
Kobayashi turns hot dogs immediately into muscle.
Competitive eating has become so popular that we now have a Web site and governing body, the International Federation of Competitive Eating, which regulates and enforces the rules under which these events occur. This proves, in the process, that there is truly no "sport" in America that doesn't need a regulatory board.
Hot dog consumption is the gold standard of competitive eating and it receives all the media attention. This year, Japan's Kobayashi faced competition from America's own upstart -- Joey Chestnut. Their epic struggle culminated in this, perhaps the finest paragraph of sports reporting ever written: "Chestnut led Kobayashi for the first half of the contest, establishing a two hot dog lead before falling behind the five-time winner from Nagoya. By the 10 minute mark, Chestnut was a dog and half behind and could not mount the comeback necessary to win. Never before, however, has an American performed so well against Kobayashi and never before has an American been so galvanized by a sports hero."
Even though I can't understand the last sentence, please excuse me while I dry my eyes.
Ultimately, Kobayashi triumphed with 53 ¾ hotdogs consumed. Oh, and about 30,000 people turned out to watch the hot dog contest live, not to mention hundreds of thousands on television. It appears likely that more people watched the hot dog eating contest than the NHL Stanley Cup final. This should not be surprising since more Americans seek popular approval for eating more than anyone else than skate on ice.
Who among us doesn't remember the skinny kid from elementary school who ate nine donuts one morning in an effort to impress his fellow classmates only to collapse, writhing in pain while holding his stomach, during kickball at recess? Or the kid who ate nine slices of pizza while bragging about how hungry he is?
He would say, "I'm just really hungry," while his feat becomes laced with myth. (This kid would throw up in the bushes later that day and spend his life seeking to reclaim his fleeting glory in fourth grade when every pepperoni, sausage and pineapple slice was his canvas of immortality.)
The only limitation to gastrointestinal immortality is, ultimately, the fickle capacity of an individual stomach. So in theory, we can all be eating stars. But hot dogs have stolen all the air from the competitive eating balloon. As stated before, we here at ClayNation pursue the most legitimate stories in the world of journalism. While the New York Times has adopted the motto, "All the news that's fit to print," we here at ClayNation prefer, "All the news that isn't really news ... and is never printed." With that in mind, we decided to step beyond the hot dog eating superstars and focus on the foods and people who are just outside the competitive eating limelight.
It's well established that like home run hitters, hot dog eaters drive Cadillacs. But what about the other competitive eaters out there toiling away in obscurity and traveling from competition to competition on a small Vespa scooter? They pursue fame and fortune without the groupies, the garlands of unintelligible praise and probably without much money. They compete for the love of the competitive eating game.
In the immortal words of Johnny Drama, "You can't roll chicks with a Vespa." Indeed. Without further ado, here are 11 foods and their record holders who are most deserving of acclaim.
11. Butter
7 quarter-pound sticks, salted butter
Consumed in 5 minutes by Don Lerman
Is it just me or does the idea of salted butter sticks make you want to throw
up without even trying them? Seriously, next time one of your buddies has too
much to drink, just walk up to him and say, "Man, let's leave the bar and
go get some salted butter sticks." I guarantee he'll throw up -- especially
if he's had any Red Bull and Jager earlier in the night.
10. Green beans, French cut
2.71 pounds, green beans
Consumed in 6 minutes by Crazy Legs Conti
I thought only bikinis could be French cut. I'm confused.
Crazy Legs Conti also appears to have other crazy parts.
9. Baked beans, long course
8.4 Pounds Baked Beans, 84 Lumber
Consumed in 2 minutes, 47 seconds on Aug. 7, 2004 by Sonya Thomas
Long course? Did she have to carry the beans with her while she was running? Direct quote from Sonya Thomas' bio: "This amazing eater was named IFOCE 2003 Rookie of the Year and was nearly unbeaten in competition in 2004, except for one highly controversial loss to Dale Boone in a baked bean eating contest in which the beans were said to be far too hot. (Boone somehow got hold of a jug of water that he used to cool his beans.)"
She also is compared to Joan of Arc and her bio closes out perfectly: "Sonya is single and lives in Alexandria, Va."
Dude... seriously, Sonya Thomas is... hot.
8. Corned beef & cabbage
5.75 pounds, corned beef & cabbage
Consumed in 10 minutes on March 16 by Patrick Bertoletti
Based on this photo, Bertoletti attended an eating contest while wearing overalls and carrying a puppet. Seriously, overalls and a puppet. Oh, and he has a Mohawk. Do you really have to work that hard to distinguish yourself at one of these competitive eating events? For instance, say Bertoletti only goes with the overalls or the puppet -- don't you think that would be memorable enough? Evidently not.
7. Spam
6 pounds of Spam from the can/Spamarama
Consumed in 12 minutes on April 3, 2004 by Richard LeFevre
From Richard's bio: "LeFevre's wife, Carlene, is also an accomplished competitive eater. They call their home in Henderson "The Pink Palace."
I'm leaving this one alone.
6. Shoo-Fly pie
9.25 pounds of Shoo-Fly pie/Rockvale Outlets
Consumed in 8 minutes on June 24 by Bob Shoudt
Honestly, I picked this because I have no idea what Shoo-Fly pie is. I don't even know if I believe it exists. It seems like the Shoo-Fly pie record should only be two pieces, .333 pounds, Clay Travis.
Bob Shoudt also happens to be proficient in eating Clay's favorite late-night
food, Krystal.
5. Pickles, vinegar
2.7 pounds of Kosher dills
Consumed in 6 minutes by Brian Seiken
Vinegar pickles. I could be mistaken about this, but I've heard Red Bull and Jager shots will soon include two spears of vinegar pickles to make the drink taste even better. My wife claims that all pickles are soaked in a vinegar of some sort. She also says this is overly descriptive of the food and they're actually just plain cucumbers. I say balderdash. The IFOCE is too reputable of an organization to make an error like that.
Brian Seiken poses with (again, hot) Sonya Thomas
4. Reindeer sausage
28 Glacier Brewhouse reindeer sausage
Consumed in 10 minutes by Dale Boone
I love this because Dale Boone is the perfect name for a guy who holds the reindeer sausage record. I don't even doubt this. For instance, if the average person had to pick between Indira Ghandi, Dale Boone or Gustave Blomquist IV, is there any doubt every single person would pick Dale Boone as the record holder? From Boone's bio: "Though rakishly handsome, Boone is not a married man. He distributes Hindu language feature films and claims to be a direct descendent of Daniel Boone. Boone has maintained a reputation as a combative competitor who has disrupted some eating events with verbal excess. He is not well liked."
3. Peas
9.5 one-pound bowls
Consumed in 12 minutes by Eric Booker
From Booker's bio: "He has excited fans at recent events by performing selections from his rap album, Hungry & Focused, and he remains among the most popular eaters in America. His sophomore album, The Ingestion Engine, debuts Dec. 1 on IFOCE.com and features the hit 'Back in the Flesh.'"
Someone please ... I need these albums.
2. Mayonnaise
Four 32-ounce bowls of mayonnaise
Consumed in 8 minutes by Oleg Zhornitskiy
Warsaw Pact veterans are tougher than NATO veterans. Period. I was really hoping
that Oleg Zhornitskiy was going to have a bio on the main page, but he didn't.
Nevertheless, I feel confident that Oleg also holds records in other foods that
the IFOCE just refuses to recognize -- like 8.3 pounds of bull testicles and
1.6 pounds of giraffe hymens. I'm sorry.
1. Cow brains
57 (17.7 pounds)
Consumed in 15 minutes by Takeru Kobayashi
Cow brains? This is so much more impressive to me than the hot dog business. And Kobayashi ate 17 pounds of cow brains? This is the competitive eating equivalent of Don Larsen's perfect game in the World Series. I withdraw this appreciation if cow brains are a sought after Japanese delicacy.
What are those two gross little blood-filled indentations? Yech.
________________________
Discuss this and any other column deadlyhippos.com column at our message board.