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I ♥ the British Open
08/04/06
by Clay

The best thing about the British Open is how spoiled American golfers are absolutely infatuated by links golf courses. Tee boxes without grass (splendid), fairways that are essentially painted mud (tally-ho), greens that are roughly reminiscent of really short shag carpeting (the dog's bollocks) and rough so tall midgets aren't even allowed on the course (jolly times old fellow). Yet, if you transplanted the exact same course to New York, Florida or California, there would be no end to the griping about the exact same traits.

I'd love to put some of the most particular golfers on earth on a hermetically-sealed plane and convince them they were headed across the Atlantic for links golf. I'd take the plane up and go in circles for seven hours before landing on a rural airfield. A red double decker bus and a few British police cars with the intriguing European siren warble would take these golf connoisseurs to the worst rural golf course on the East Coast. 10-1 odds they'd be overwhelmed by the majesty, beauty and grandeur of the course.

So we come upon the 135th British Open, which is an excuse for golf snobs everywhere to gush about a course they would deride to the ends of the earth if it were located in the U.S. But this is just one of many things I absolutely love about the British Open. Here are 11 others:

1. I love how you can't find the ball at all. Watch any drive soar into the air and then listen to the announcers talk about the shot. Unless the drive absolutely pierces the center of the fairway, the announcers have no idea where the ball went. Those few seconds and sometimes minutes after a shot while the announcers try to figure out what to say are priceless. "Is it out of bounds?" Nope. Actually, it's in the rough on the other side of the fairway.

2. I love when it's hot and the British look like they are about to die. This year, the weather has been perfect for this scenario, particularly the early rounds. Every time the camera would find a group of Brits standing beside the rope, they looked like horses that have been ridden for about 200 miles. Their tongues are hanging out of their mouths, their faces are criss-crossed with different color sunburns and their mouths are agape with teeth like a collection of scattered shells on the beach begging for relief from the heat. When I studied abroad in England one summer, it hit 85 degrees in London and you would have thought a nuclear missile just landed in the English Channel. It was absolute anarchy.

3. I love Mike Tirico's hair. He looks like the black David Letterman. He has a small island of hair isolated in the center of his head. Letterman should have him on as a guest just for this reason.

4. I love the pictures of John Daly kissing the claret jug in 1995 when he totally shunned sideburns and embraced the mullet. Daly's sideburns ended by his temple. I always love the photo montage of past winners. If I ever meet Daly, I'm going to ask him what he had against sideburns in the mid-'90s. Or I'll ask if he went to Supercuts for the $7 special like my friend Tardio, who swears Supercuts is waging an underreported jihad against sideburns.

5. Somehow, no matter what, fish and chips are going to be referenced every couple of hours during the telecast. This happens despite the fact that fish and chips are really just bad, oily fish plus French fries. It's as if England's entire food supply has been boiled down to Captain D's in the U.S. ... and only poor Southerners eat at Captain D's to begin with. Trust me, I've eaten there a lot. Yet everyone constantly asks you whether you've already had fish and chips. This brings us to ClayNation Canon No. 156: Don't bother eating fish and chips if you go to England -- just visit Captain D's in the U.S. and save your money.

6. I love knee high roughs. Every time I watch the British Open, I think about how frustrating these courses would be to play without ball finders spaced along the fairway. Seriously, if you usually lose three balls on a round of golf, you're probably going to lose 30 on a links course. Trying to get one of your buddies to help you find a ball is always tough even on normal courses.

Current example:

You, after trudging around for about five minutes: "Did you see where that ball went?"
Buddy: "Yeah, it went in that direction, over between the two trees."

British Open example:

You, after slapping down waist high rough for about 10 minutes: "Did you see where the ball went?"
Buddy: "Yeah, somewhere in the 200 yards' worth of rough between here and the tee box."

7. I love how Sergio went with the all-yellow outfit this year. Cap, shirt, and pants -- all yellow. Wow. This had to be a loser's bet, right? Imagine if you met one of your buddies and he was wearing a golf outfit that was exactly the same color. Would you even tee off with him? (Note: My wife said Sergio's outfit was actually not yellow, but saffron. I have no idea what saffron looks like, but somehow it makes yellow sound like the height of masculinity).

8. I love it when the wind is blowing so hard the flag stick seems like it's about to double over as the players are trying to putt. Can you imagine how hard this is? Especially if you've already got the yips on your putts like me. I'm confident I would do one of two things in this situation: Somehow get my putt airborne or strike the ball and have it move about three inches. Nothing in between.

9. I love the bunkers. Every British Open round should begin with an average golfer trying to get out of one of these bunkers. I would never get tired of this. What's even better would be celebrities with anger management issues trying to get out of British Open bunkers. Imagine NASCAR's Tony Stewart or Bob Barker from The Price is Right. How about Larry David? Or even better, how about Sacha Baron Cohen dressed as Ali G? I guarantee ratings would double.

10. I love when announcer Peter Alliss comes over from the BBC and shows how boring most American announcers are. Alliss on supposed expert golf writers: "Inky-fisted peasants." I love when the British call other people "peasants," even though I am a peasant. Alliss on what happens at the British Open: "They all come, they all play and somebody wins." Alliss on how Woods remains so calm on the course: "I don't know, maybe it's the Oriental influence of his mother." Just using the word "Oriental," wow.

11. I love wind talk. I can't get enough of the wind talk from golf announcers. All of a sudden, everyone is Willard Scott. Is the wind moving left to right or right to left? Is there an updraft or a downdraft? Are we down wind, side wind, up wind or back wind? Even better, when you're watching the British Open with one of your buddies who specializes in 50 yard tee shots, he'll say, "He better watch the wind." Please, watch the wind. Easy there, Kenny Perry. Only about two percent of golfers in America need to consider the wind on their shots. I'm pretty sure if your shot never gets into the air, the wind shear is going to be minimal.

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