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31 rules for enjoying amusement parks
08/31/06
by Clay

For the rest of us, the amusement park offers the perfect escape from the mind-numbing reality of summer TPS reports and minimizing the window on your computer screen when your boss walks by. Being spun around, upside down and inside out somehow makes the sky seem bluer and the air cooler. It also makes your favorite sports team (who is in the process of planting their flag squarely upon the shores of loserdom) almost palatable. Of course, you might throw up, but everything that's really worth doing carries the risk of throwing up.

Recently, I spent the day at Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio. It just so happened I went during the middle of the week, which in Cedar Point terminology, is known as the unemployed skirt chasers' national holiday. My younger cousins accompanied my wife and I, and as a group, we managed to ride every roller coaster in the place.

During the process, I marked myself as the guy you never want to have beside you. This is because I have a bit of a problem when it comes to roller coasters -- I'm unable to keep from screaming. It's a serious issue, one that troubles me to no end. Despite my best efforts, as soon as we go down a huge hill, I turn into a preteen girl.

Being the bane of the roller coaster experience made me focus on the foibles of other amusement park attendees. The result was a roster that will, in later years, mark itself as the Gettysburg Address of amusement park observations. Without further ado, here are 31 ClayNation Amusement Park Canons:

1. There has never been a roller coaster that is too tall or too steep for you. Period. This is the case even if your seatmate is the Grim Reaper and no one else can see him. After all, maybe the Grim Reaper just likes roller coasters, too.

2. Notice when your line is moving. While I'm sure everyone is engrossed in your rigorous analysis of Lost Internet fan-site worthiness, you can talk just as easily while moving as you can while resting your fat leg on the rail.

3. By all means, feel free to play the game where you attempt to make an over-inflated basketball into a hoop the size of Nicole Ritchie's waist. But please, whatever you do, don't dribble the ball between your legs or go behind your back before you shoot. Hey Iverson, no one is guarding you and you're going to miss anyway.

4. If a girl is wearing a bikini as a top, you are not the only guy noticing this fact. Observe, but do not ogle. Also, and you know how much I hate to generalize, she's probably paying for everything with dollar bills.

5. Don't be the dude who knows way too much about the roller coaster and tries to impress everyone who is miserably waiting in line. "The g-forces on this ride are the equivalent of being fired into space while trying to play an oboe at the same time," he'll say. Really, an oboe? Please be quiet and go back to reading your Fangoria magazine.

6. The old guys with those insanely underage girls ... yep, they're boyfriend and girlfriend. In 13 years, the cycle will repeat itself with their offspring. Run.

7. I'm sure there is a perfectly legitimate reason why a group of men could include one or more men eating pink cotton candy. I just can't think of one.

8. Accept that some people just aren't arm raisers on roller coasters. If your seat partner doesn't want to raise his or her hands above their head, stop jabbering about it to them. He or she has a perfectly fine death grip on the restraining bar and doesn't need any more excitement.

9. If you're tall, instead of waiting longer to ride in the very front of the roller coaster, just space it so you sit behind short kids. Then you get the benefit of the front row without the wait. If your gambit comes up snake eyes and you end up sitting behind a tall Latvian man, hopefully he won't smell bad. And I'm sorry.

10. Don't say something witty to the teenage employees who come around and make sure your seat is fastened. They've done this all day and all summer -- do you really think there's anything you can say that is going to be the least bit unique or witty? (Exception: This canon does not apply if you are a hot girl or if you are iffy but wearing a bikini top.)

11. If at all possible, do the fast-pass. This should be No. 1. Then, when you pass the people in the regular line who look like they're in a 1930s bread line, wave and smile.

12. Unless you are really scary and have an eye patch or a goiter, make faces at a crying child in an effort to get it to stop crying. This may or may not work, but at some point, you will probably have a child and be miserable at an amusement park. I feel like the karma will even out. Give it your best shot.

13. Don't complain about the food available at the amusement park. Are you really surprised? If you wanted a baguette replete with vegetable medley and an Asian bok choy salad, you should have stayed home.

14. At some point, pause and survey your surroundings. Yep, these are the people who elect the president of the United States.

15. I promise the overhanging parts of the roller coaster are not going to decapitate you -- there's no need to duck. Unless, of course, the Grim Reaper is sitting next to you. Then ... man, that sucks for you.

16. Some rides require one person to sit inside the legs of the other person. This is perfect if you're on a date, not so good if you are with another man. Save your heterosexuality and wait for another ride.

17. As tempting as it is, try to restrain yourself from spitting from the sky lift.

18. Okay, if you're going to spit, aim for things and not people.

19. If someone skips you in line, it is statutorily permissible to slap them in the face with your cinnamon and sugar funnel cake. Seriously, statutorily permissible, I'm a lawyer.

20. It's fine to be a single guy and win a stuffed animal. It's not fine to keep it. Give the thing away to a kid ... or the girl in the bikini top.

21. You absolutely must play the game where the rubbery frogs have to be sent airborne with a mallet until they land on the floating lily pads. No exceptions, do it.

22. Mustaches ... oh man, the mustaches. If you had forgotten that every teenage boy goes through a phase where he grows a mustache, you will have remembered by the time you leave the park. It's like a collection of seventh grade Magnum, P.I's. If you're feeling ambitious, grow a mustache in the days preceding your trip to the park and pronounce yourself Mustache King for the day.

23. The amusement park is not a sporting event. No one is coming to root for or against the amusement park. So you really don't need to come dressed in your logoed amusement park apparel.

24. At some point, it may occur to you that for the cost of admission everyone paid at the front gate, Sudanese children could eat for an entire year. Maybe ... but then you wouldn't have gotten to go 125 miles an hour for 33.2 seconds. See, it all evens out.

25. Feel free to make a joke about your shortest fully-grown friend not being tall enough to ride the coaster. Just know that said friend will not sleep well at night until everyone hears about the Propecia in your medicine cabinet.

26. Dippin' Dots. Did you really need the Dippin' Dots? Of course you didn't. Save your money for something really important, like the penny squashing machine.

27. Skin-tight clothes on fat people will never go out of style. It's timeless and elegant ... like platinum grills on teeth.

28. Don't be one of those people who rides the rides designed to get you wet and then tries to keep from getting wet. This is the height of amusement park hypocrisy. Run for Congress instead and save the drenchings for those who want to get drenched.

29. Someone gets their pictures taken in an evocative Old West montage or else there wouldn't be 14 million of these places in every amusement park. Please, for the love of God, do not do this.

30. When you see the crazily overprotective mom cowering over her 10-year-old like he or she has just been rescued from a cabal of syphilitic bank robbers, fake lunge at her child. Okay, maybe you shouldn't do this.

31. After you have spent the day at the amusement park, you may be tempted to believe the following five things are trendy and cool: Wristbands, hats turned just a little askew, jerseys, shorts that reveal the lower tier of your behind and hairspray.

Do not succumb to this trap. These things are neither trendy or cool.

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