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An Open Thank-you to the Manufacturers of Non-Narcotic Analgesics
08/25/06
by Shaw

Make no bones about it: we all owe a great debt of gratitude to the makers of analgesic over the counter pain relievers, the likes of Advil, Motrin, Tylenol, Nuprin, and in some cases, Midol. The little tablets are non-prescription and affordable, sometimes tasty, and always effective... and yet I have never seen them properly thanked for their efforts. So here is my first attempt at paying tribute to the various Non-Narcotic Analgesics. This tribute will be written in the form of a toast, delivered at a fictional banquet held in their honor. Stage directions are included if you want to act out this monologue in your own house.

My dear friends,

[To audience] On behalf of the hosts and especially the guests of honor, thank you all for making it here today. I hope that the all the red wine we've been serving doesn't give you a headache! [Wait for laughter.] But seriously, we're here to pay tribute to those bottles sitting up there [point to head table], to those bottles of pills, caplets, tablets, gelcaps, geltabs, geltablets, telbaglets, et cetera, in all shapes, sizes, and colors.

[To head table] I owe you more than I can possibly hope to express or pay back in this lifetime. What can I say to do justice to you, Tylenol gelcaps? Advil tablets?

It seems appropriate to begin at the beginning. [Somber breath.] When I was much younger, I, like many others, had trouble during my teething phase. My parents could have used whisky on my gums, starting me on the path to alcoholism at an early age. Actually maybe they did that, I don't remember much of my infancy and most things that I have forgotten have been lost to alchol. But when I was old enough, my parents sat me down and told me how special I was, and said, "Shaw, you are two years old. Your teeth are going to be coming in and hurting you for a while longer, but we can't let you keep drinking the whisky because frankly that stuff is expensive. Instead, son, it's time for you to move on to what the big boys use for their pain: Children's Chewable Tylenol." [Point to Children's Tylenol at head table; wait for applause.] Tastes like candy, but cures pain too. What a novel idea!

And, then, as a young adult, to move on to Adult Tylenol Acetaminophen... well, this was a step up. You made me feel like a big boy, swallowing the pills without having to chew them anymore. Sure there was the time I accidentally tasted a Tylenol pill, and yes [turn to audience], I spit it out, cause it tasted [try to sound black] naaasty. [pause for laughter]

I had a great night with you, Tylenol, that time that I fell off my bike and hit my head on a rock. My parents thought I would be inconsolable, but with a single dose (okay, I snuck a double, mom & dad!) [pause for laughter] I was able to go to sleep with minimal crying. So here's to you, Tylenol. [Point to Tylenol at head table; wait for applause]

Of course, it isn't all about pain relief, is it? There are also incredible innovations in the industry, and Tylenol helped to pave the way for a whole new crop of analgesic users, when they introduced... the coated tablet [wait for applause; if none is forthcoming, start clapping]. The coated tablet combined my two favorite ingestible items, the Tylenol tablet and the Skittle! [pause for laughter] You made taking pain relief medication fun for everyone, even toddlers! [more laughter] In all seriousness, I really love those coated tablets. When I was 14 I used to buy a bottle and lick the coating off all the pills, and then put the uncoated tabs into my parents' bottle of regular Tylenol.

And Advil: only with your help did I make it through the first two years of college and still manage to wake up on Sunday mornings. When I first drank alcohol, I had the constitution of a strapping young 18 year old, I could drink anything and feel fine the next morning. Only as I sank deeper into a 3 nights per week routine did I finally begin to lose a grip on my hangovers. But then, Advil stepped in and put me right back on top. I started taking them at night before I went to bed to pre-empt the headaches I would undoubtedly be getting in the morning. To Advil! [point to Advil at head table; wait for applause]

After Advil came my friend, my confidant, my lover, Motrin. [point to Motrin at head table; await applause] Motrin was en vogue for hangovers and muscle pains my third and fourth years of college... I think you all remember their big ad campaign revolving around sports? Well as I started training for a marathon, the various aches and pains that I encountered along the way led me to try various analgesics, and none of them fixed up my locking-knee problem... well, none of them did, not even Motrin, since I didn't finish the marathon. But still, when I needed help combating the next-day soreness after a long run, it was you, Motrin, that I turned to. I will always hold a special place for you in my heart.

That said, there will never be another one like Nuprin... remember that ad campaign, their iconic black and white commercial with a yellow pill standing out from the background? "Nuprin: Little. Yellow. Different." Not only was this great visual advertising, but it also made Nuprin or the shorter "Nupe" a perfect fraternity nickname for Asian members. [Wait for laughter.] Admittedly I have never tried you, Nuprin, but I feel like we're kin. Actually I don't know if you are even on shelves anymore. But that's what always made you special--you are dangerous, edgy... little. yellow. different. Nuprin. [Wait for applause.]

There are too many others to mention by name, but let me conclude with a very personal testimonial story that I feel sums up my appreciation for all of you. I have an unlabeled bottle in my apartment that has about 20 different random kinds of pills collected from all the different analgesics I have bought over the past year. Who knows what's in this bottle--maybe some Tylenol, some Motrin, some Advil, definitely no Nuprin, of course [wait for laughter], but you get the idea.

[Settle down, speak somberly into microphone] When I had gum surgery six years ago, I suffered the most intense and horrifying pain I had ever felt. This was the pain of 20-30 injections of Novocain directly into my gums in the front and back of my front teeth. The surgery involved slicing lengths of tissue off of my gums with a scalpel. Who rescued me from the pain the next week? My unmarked bottle of various analgesics.

After I had my wisdom teeth removed two years ago, I discovered that it is not a very good idea for me to be taking Percocet. Not a good idea for me, not a good idea for anyone who knows me, but definitely not a good idea for me. I stopped taking it a few days early, and who did I turn to? I turned to you [gesture to head table]. I turned to my unmarked bottle of various pills, and I took those instead. And I made it through the pain.

And right now, as I speak to you, I await what is potentially the most horrifying thing I can imagine. I had a root canal procedure, my only one, two years ago. This week, in that same tooth, I suffered the most incredible pain I have ever felt, even more than the Novocain needles, more than the wisdom teeth, more than breaking my foot, breaking my ribs, smashing my head on ice and getting stitches, more than my grandmother removing a splinter from my finger with a huge knife and her shaking hands. Ten minutes of agony so pure and vile that I could not move off of my couch and could not stop idle tears from rolling down my face, pain so strong that every other part of my body started hurting just to spread it around. What did I do? Did I give up? [Look at audience--address audience] Did I give up? [wait for audience to respond, "no!"] Did I give up? ["no!"] What did I do? I went to the bottle. And did it stop the pain? Well, almost. But I did manage to stand up and shuffle back to my room so my roommates couldn't see me whimper like a dog being beaten by its loving master with a cane.

But I know who I can trust. When I go in to the endodontist's office next week to get my apicoectomy to fix the infection inside my gums, it will be you all to save me from my own downfall.

Thank you, Analgesics. [Wait for applause; bow]

Except for you, Nuprin. [Laughter; wave goodbye, return to seat.]

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