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6 Surefire (?) ways to tell someone is an asshole.
08/03/06
by Shaw
I have encountered many people in my life who have almost immediately turned out to be assholes. Almost invariably, there were signs that I missed on the way to discovering this... here are a few things to look out for. Mostly these rules seem to refer to men, but I feel like that's probably accurate since I generally find females to be more tolerable than men. As with any rule, there are exceptions, which I shall note when necessary.
1. He really likes that song "Kryptonite" by 3 Doors Down.
When I was in college, I went to a party in Connecticut with my friend 102 and his little brother. Everyone at this party was between 17 and 22, except for one older guy, who also happened to be massive. Picture Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused, but more of an asshole... or, if you went to my high school, picture the way you felt when you first walked into a party in 1995 and saw [Desert Storm Vet] Jimmy hanging out with a freshman girl in the corner. About 2 hours into the party, "Kryptonite" came on the CD player... when this huge dude heard the guitar intro, he walked around and forcibly quieted everyone down, saying "this is my song, dude, this is my song, shut up!" When he had the room quiet, he started the song over, and kind of bounced in the corner until the chorus, and then ran around smashing stuff. This guy was an asshole.
"Dude... I really don't mind what happens now and then, as long as you'll
be my friend at the end..."
2. He drives a Jeep.
I realize that lots of people drive Jeeps who aren't assholes (like my cousin for instance), but there is just something about seeing a guy in one of those little Jeeps with the canvas pieces all removed wearing Oakleys and listening to Creed going down the street that screams "asshole." The archetype for Jeep-driving asshole in my memory was this guy from my high school named Chris. He used to be kind of a jock-type so he had tons of friends, but at the same time he was an intolerable asshole. Now I realize this story says something about me, but it seems iconic to me: in my school, the last day of classes every year was Drag Day, which is, of course, exactly what the title implied. Men wore dresses and women wore suits. Now obviously not everyone did this, but lots of people did. Surely the most enthusiastic participants were the non-jock types, the dorks, the what-have-yous, but other people did it too. While I was not particularly cool in high school, I wasn't exactly Steve Urkel either. Yet on Drag Day for some reason, I was the primary target of Chris's rage. Every time he saw someone in a dress, the following exchange occurred [graphic language warning]:
Chris: Fucking faggot.
Drag: Uh...
Chris: I'm gonna beat the shit out of you.
Drag: Uh... dude, we're like 18 years old in high school, this isn't how adult people treat each other. That kind of attitude is pretty much obsolete now.
Chris: Fucking faggot.
Drag: Right.
For some reason I seemed to run into him a lot more often than everyone else did. I overheard this quote from him as well, said to his best friend, who probably also drove a jeep: "I wish I could just go and kill all these fucking fags in the dresses." The very same guy later got arrested for doing 120 in a 30 on a motorcycle through the main street of my home town and got off because his uncle was the town judge. Awesome. Asshole.
3. He doesn't give his friends nicknames.
Have you ever met a guy who insists on calling you by your first name when no one else does this? It's like the bizarro world in Seinfeld, it's too antiseptic, too weird. Whenever a guy who isn't my dad calls me by my first name, I get a little confused, like I don't even know who they're talking about at first. At this point in my life, it's a lot easier if all guys just call me Shaw. For some reason women just don't do this, though. If I hear a woman say my first name there is no problem. When I meet new people I usually introduce myself as Shaw to men and as my first name to women.
4. He and his roommates cut their hair every week on the floor outside the elevator in the main hallway of their dorm and, far beyond not cleaning up, they don't even put down a cloth to catch the hair.
This one is kind of specific, I realize, but at the same time I think it's really clear you can't be anything but an asshole if you do this. The guys I am thinking of were on the baseball team at GW and had absolutely no concern for any other human being in the universe... which is hilarious, because can you imagine being impressed by someone because he plays college baseball at a school most people didn't even know had a baseball team? What a stupid reason to have a big ego. They also shattered the glass on the fire extinguisher and then did it again every time someone repaired it. And they also had no problem spitting their tobacco juice on the floor either... which brings us to:
5. He chews tobacco.
My friend Jason chews tobacco. He claims to be the biggest asshole in the world. I don't buy it exactly, but yet nonetheless, he's the type of guy who I believe might actually keep chewing just to make sure he gains the status as #1 asshole. The thing about chewing tobacco isn't really how disgusting the act is--that's between him and his girlfriend--it's the location of the discharge. If you have ever had a friend chew, they usually use a Gatorade bottle or similar to deposit their spit, and in a house full of guys it is very easy to accidentally pick up something that looks like Gatorade and start to take a sip. If it's tobacco juice, this might result in death. Exception: for some reason my friend Coalter manages to find places to spit his tobacco that do not resemble actual drinking vessels, and if he uses a Lipton Brisk can, he usually crushes it a little first. While this might be done entirely for self-preservation, I appreciate it anyway.
6. He chews gum.
Now gum is less offensive than tobacco, true. But sometimes when you see a guy chewing gum you just want to punch him in the face. Don't you?
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