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2006 World Cup Final Game Diary
07/13/06
by Clay
The last time France won the World Cup in 1998, my family was hosting a French exchange student, Emilie Espanet, who pumped her hand into a fist and remarked, "Yes, we are ze best in the world. Not ze U.S."
The next summer, she took my friend and I out in France, where soccer is so embedded in the culture they even play "le baby-foot" out at the bars. We know "le baby-foot" as foosball, and trust me, you haven't been humiliated until an effeminate French dude and his equally effeminate companion has absolutely destroyed you and a buddy in the game while talking a mix of Frenglish trash.
"Pour votre mere," (For your mother) was one of the few phrases these guys would say as they absolutely smote my friend and I. One goal was struck so hard wood chips flew from the back wall of the goalie box. On another goal, I swear to God, somehow this foosball Pele headed the ball into the goal.
Basically, my point is this: ClayNation Canon No. 241: Until your country loves soccer so much you're willing to be an expert at the miniaturized bar version of the sport, you're probably not going to win a World Cup. (Incidentally, I've never been to Italy, but I bet their foosball players are first rate as well).
It was with these deep thoughts that I began chronicling the 2006 World Cup final.
1. Things Brent Musberger should have to say on every telecast he is a part of: "For stomping on the groin of Portuguese player."
2. How come the World Cup hasn't been marketed more aggressively as a commercial-free program? Seriously, this is the best part of the game. This is the only sport on American television that doesn't get shortened by cranking up the DVR.
3. Each team is escorted on the field and the Italian national anthem is playing. What's the over/under on the number of women the French and Italian team members have hit on in Germany during the World Cup? My feeling is it has to be at least two million.
4. I'm embarrassed to say this, but during high school, I had to memorize the French national anthem, La Marseillaise. We then spent an entire day in French class listening to everyone sing this thing. This was bad enough, but just as the French anthem is being played, my wife walks in and begins to sing along. It turns out she had to learn the Marseillaise in elementary school. This is ridiculous. Is France secretly trying to infiltrate the minds of American school children? Has everyone just ignored this fact?
5. I appreciate the fact that the World Cup trophy is supposed to be artistic, but every time I see it, I think the trophy hasn't been finished yet. It's like FIFA officials had to pry it away from some reclusive sculptor laboring on this thing from some studio deep in the Pyrenees. Americans would never go for a championship trophy that looks like this one. Compare the World Cup trophy to the NBA and World Series championship trophy or the NFL's Vince Lombardi trophy. We generally like silver, sleek and finished. The rest of the world appears to like trophies that resemble gold tinfoil.
7. Thierry Henry goes down less than a minute into the game with what would be a minor collision in every other sport on earth. A fat German doctor comes out and asks Henry how many bratwursts he is holding up. How much more endorsement money would Thierry Henry make in America if his name was anything but Thierry? One minute after leaving the field, Henry comes back in. Millions of Americans contemplate turning off the television. Can you imagine if Randy Moss or Terrell Owens went out of the game after a collision like this?
8. A few months ago, I wrote a column about Michael Jordan single-handedly making bald heads cool for black men. I lamented the lack of a cool white guy to carry this trend to white men. Could Zinedine Zidane be the man to make bald heads cool for white men? Are bald heads already popular in France? Alas, this dream was crushed when I visited Zidane's Web site and saw him posing in a gray stonewashed jean jacket partially covered by a leather jacket. And both collars were popped.
9. Memo to ABC: 1 billion viewers is the better number to go with when emphasizing who is watching this game rather than the 76,000 in attendance at the stadium (which has already been mentioned about five times). The stadium crowd is about 30,000 less than the amount of people who will watch Vanderbilt-Michigan in less than two months.
10. Florent Malouda from France goes down inside the box and draws the penalty call. "That's a great sell. He sold out well," Marcelo Balboa says. Shoot me now. In the first five minutes of this game, everything that drives Americans crazy about soccer -- flops and fake injuries -- have been featured in abundance.
11. Zidane scores on the penalty kick with a delayed chip to the right side of the goal. Italy's keeper, Gianluigi Buffon, is already on the ground watching helplessly by the time the shot gently grazes the inside of the crossbar and falls just inside the goal line. Announcer Dave O'Brien completely misses the fact that a goal has been scored. Zidane's truly a badass ... except for the stonewashed jean jacket with the popped collar. 1-0 France in the sixth minute. This is the first goal Italy has given up in the World Cup other than their own goal against the USA.
12. Nineteen minutes in, Italy scores off a corner kick on a header by Marco Materazzi. I am not making this up -- Materazzi has a tattoo of this: "XIX VIII MCMLXXIII." Give up? It's his birthdate in Roman numerals. This might be the only tattoo on earth that makes those barbwire tattoos cool in comparison. It's 1-1.
13. The Italian team explodes off their bench in support. I love the tops players on the sidelines wear over their uniforms. They look like awkward hospital gowns.
14. France's Franck Ribery is only 23 years old? That's the roughest looking 23 years since Corey Feldman. Also, how many guesses would it take the average person to find out that Ribery's first name is Frank? In the hundreds, at least.
15. Italy's Luca Toni heads a corner kick off the crossbar. So close. As is required by FIFA rules, Toni pushes both hands through his hair and stares mouth agape at the goal.
16. French coach Raymond Domenech is such an adherent of astrology that he refuses to have a Scorpio on the roster. Dave O'Brien says, "He's only taken two Leos. He's very leery of Leos." How is this not a bigger story in France and everywhere else? This is absolutely insane. Imagine if Bobby Knight refused to coach Libras.
17. The official is wearing wristbands. Why? To keep sweat from running into his whistle? One of my favorite things during the World Cup has been the mini-microphones that make every official look like a backup dancer for Madonna's "Like a Virgin." Also, the tape. I love the tape. The three strips that hold the mike in place. What kind of tape is this that doesn't come off in the midst of sweating?
18. The wave makes an appearance. I didn't know Europeans did the wave. Is this America's fault or did the wave come from Europe?
19. Two minutes of stoppage time remaining. Stoppage time is just hysterical to me. Can you imagine during the end of an NFL game, Ed Hochuli announces an entirely arbitrary amount of time to extend a game? And then your team ended up losing in this amount of time? Yet somehow this is accepted as legit by soccer fans.
20. France has a bad throw-in. This makes me feel better as I may have set a Nashville public school record for bad throw-in's during my ignoble soccer career. At the half, we're tied at 1-1.
21. What a move by France's Henry. He beats three guys and then draws a corner kick. Henry has taken about 25 hits worse than the one he went down for at the beginning of this game.
22. Moments later, Malouda gets fouled inside the box but the referee does not make the call. Somewhere on the Champs-Elysees, I hope my former baby-foot foe is aghast.
23. France's Patrick Viera is replaced due to injury. The tradition of stopping the game when a player goes down and then giving it back to the other team is great sportsmanship, but I also wonder how much of it is just everyone wanting to take a break and get a drink of water.
24. French goalkeeper Fabien Barthez is the most famous eccentric since Howard Hughes. Seriously, for as much time as the announcers have spent this World Cup talking about his eccentricity, I keep expecting to see him diving and saving imaginary shots while the ball is at the other end of the stadium.
25. Italy scores ... but they are offside. Replays are inconclusive as to whether or not the offsides is valid. Moments later, Henry is fed on a near breakaway and Buffon makes a nice save.
26. Ribery drills a shot into the stadium seats. Can you imagine how difficult it is to get those golden soccer balls back from the crowd? You probably have a better chance of finding someone in the crowd who likes George W. Bush.
27. Is it just me or do World Cup soccer benches look like futuristic bus stops? Next stop, Spacely Sprockets.
28. More shots from Rome of people standing outside watching this game. There's no way crowds of Americans would ever stand outside to watch the Super Bowl. Have the Italians never heard of flat-screens?
29. Bill Clinton in the house. I will guarantee you that no one in 1950s Arkansas was playing soccer. I'm sure Clinton's visit has absolutely nothing to do with legalized brothels in Germany.
30. Zidane goes down while challenging for a ball and points to his shoulder. After 30 seconds on the sideline and the application of a cold spray, Zidane returns. O'Brien approaches religious fervor in describing Zidane's return. Unsurprisingly, Zidane seems no different than before he was injured.
31. The best American representation at the World Cup final? All the companies with advertisements on the walls around the field. American fans may not be absorbed in soccer, but American companies sure are.
32. Two minutes of stoppage time has been added. Both teams look exhausted. Regulation ends and we're headed for overtime.
33. Ribery pushes a shot wide by just a bit in the best overtime scoring chance for either team. Moments later, Ribery is replaced with a substitution. The crowd seems gripped by a sense of giddy stillness.
34. Zidane with a spectacular header that's saved by Italy's Buffon. It seems possible O'Brien might come undone with praise. We're almost halfway finished with overtime and Italy has had no scoring chances.
35. First OT is complete. Several players collapse on the field. Night has finally arrived in Berlin and flashbulbs are going off everywhere.
36. Henry is subbed for by Sylvain Wiltford. Two things about this: Wiltford's name makes it sound like he should be watching this game from his Nottingham country estate and second, I hate it when a team's primary scoring option is subbed for.
37. Oh man. Zidane gives a headbutt to Marco Materazzi's chest. The Italian player collapses as if he was shot by a cannon. Perhaps Zidane is not a fan of Roman numerals? After a few moments, Zidane is kicked out of the game with a red card. Just unbelievable. And now Zidane is gone for the penalty kicks.
38. France manages to withstand the final few minutes without Zidane. Announcer Dave O'Brien has gone from lauding Zidane to crowning him as the titular head of the tar and feathering campaign. Talk about a swing of opinion.
39. Here come the penalty kicks, or as I called them in a recent column: The equivalent of a Madden practice session to decide the soccer world champion.
40. French goalkeeper Barthez gets last minute advice from two men who appear to be wearing biker shorts. ClayNation Canon No. 111: Anyone who gives you advice while wearing biker shorts (and not biking) should be ignored.
41. The opposing goalies hug and rub each other on the head. Rubbing each others' heads is much more popular among Europeans than it is among Americans. In fact, in my entire life, I don't think I've ever rubbed another grown man on the head. This is probably one reason why I still have all my teeth.
42. Italy's Pirlo scores going straight up the middle. 1-0 Italy.
43. France's Wiltford scores. All across Nottingham, a toddy is tipped in his honor.
44. Italy's Materazzi scores. For the record, this is his II goal of the day.
45. France's Trezeguet puts his shot off the crossbar and the ball bounces just short of the goal line. This is how champions are crowned. Italy leads in the penalty kicks 2-1.
46. Italy's De Rossi scores. Don't you just know USA's Brian McBride was rooting for him to send his shot into the third deck while tearing his groin muscle? 3-1 Italy.
47. France's Abidal scores. 3-2 Italy. This whole penalty kick business is just so odd. It's like a free-throw contest deciding Game 7 of the NBA Finals.
48. Italy's Del Piero scores. Now France has to score, make a stop, and then score again to tie. It's looking almost impossible. 4-2 Italy. French goalie Barthez looks like he's going to be talking to himself for months to come.
49. France's Sagnol scores. "Allez!" screams Sagnol as he jogs back to his team members at the center of the field. 4-3 Italy.
50. Italy's Grosso scores and wins the World Cup for his country. Rome explodes. After a month, we have a new World Cup champion. American soccer fans across the country solemnly swear to commit themselves to mastering the intricacies of foosball. The world shudders.
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