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March of the Rednecks
07/06/06
by DJ
I feel there is a part of our society that has been misrepresented in recent history. A social class likened to no other, a caste of citizens unmatched in culture, flair, and incredulity. I am talking about rednecks. Being raised in the South, I witnessed the redneck phenomena firsthand. After moving away for awhile, I became separated from this culture. But some recent experiences have reminded me of my former southern cohorts. One was when I went out to eat at a place called Big Bubbas Bad BBQ. It was built entirely of wood and had a mechanical bull. More on that later. The second was while watching "Treasure Hunters" on NBC. There is one family who takes the cake in hayseedery, The Wild Hanlons as they call themselves. They leave no stereotype untouched. I also went fly-fishing in Northern CA, which is desolate as hell. But first, Big Bubbas Bad BBQ….
First, this place is located in Paso Robles, CA, which is renowned for its wineries and vineyards, not rednecks. This goes to show you rednecks can be found anywhere, at anytime. I should have known that this place would be hick heaven by the exterior building materials and the contents of its parking lot. You know how if you are driving and you see like three liquor stores, a pawn shop, and/or a gun shop all along the same street you are most likely headed into the ghetto? Well if you roll up on an establishment made of wood, a neon sign with a couple letters missing, and the lot is gravel and full of pickups, RV’s, and motorcycles, you are heading into a nest of rednecks. The food here was great. You really can’t beat good BBQ. We were seated right by the mechanical bull area. My wife was the hottest girl in there and she wanted to ride the bull. I quickly realized I was the only black dude in there and thus had no foreseeable backup if the shit hit the fan. (Maniquette #51) This was coupled with the fact that rednecks will hoot, whistle, and gesture at anything remotely sexual, especially when their favorite two entities are combined: hot girls and livestock. Now when a hot girl rides livestock, the consequences could be endless due to redneck brain overheating. I get really pissed when people hit on my wife in front of me so I told her no. This was an excellent choice because 10 minutes later, in stumbles a bachelorette party. This was chum in the water. (Maniquette #25) These women were literally attacked by rednecks and thrown into groups on the bull. It got really ugly. I felt like I was about to see a remake of “The Accused” starring Jodi Foster. After witnessing lap dances and bull riding in short denim skirts, I had to leave. One girl was so drunk she got on and fell off the bull immediately…and the bull wasn’t moving. She was pushing 220 and was breaking every denim law know to mankind. A little known fact is denim is like silk to rednecks and treated as such when worn about town. It’s almost like denim is the redneck exoskeleton.
Actually, this place has a website,
if you can believe it.
When I was fly fishing, I had a spectacular time. But there is one thing you have to remember. Fishing is like pickup basketball to rednecks. They just all show up and partner up. There are really no rules, they take it very seriously, anything goes. By anything I mean actually living on the premises of the lake or lakes being fished in trailers. Somehow these people got away with having no known address. I was between two towns with a combined population of 750 people. Landmarks were as follows, “Follow the road ‘till you git to a big white rusted fire truck and turn right,” and “Just keep on straight, you can’t git lost. There’s only one road.” Need I say more. A redneck can look at a lake and tell you exactly what fish are in it without ever having been there and what lures will work. This is amazing to me. Rednecks are amazingly adaptable, which is why they are found everywhere. I would rather get lost in the wilderness with a redneck than be lost with a forest ranger with a map and a gun. Yet they know nothing. About anything. Which leads me to the next topic….
Rednecks use their fish carcasses as decorations
The show “Treasure Hunters”. I really hate to stereotype. I really do. But if you want to know what a real true redneck is, then you missed your chance because they have (surprise) already been eliminated. They call themselves The Wild Hanlons. They turn up in camo hunting pants. And the one guy had the most perfectly manicured mullet I have ever witnessed. And boy does he love his jean shorts (Maniquette #414). There is one who is a dead ringer for Randy Johnson. The other kid is the Redneck with the heart of gold. He is actually intelligent and figures out all the clues, but the other two don’t listen to him “’cause he’s all learned up”. And he apologizes when the other two decide the leave one group behind, who are all black dudes and called The Browns (I couldn’t make this up if I tried people). I believe they said, “Them boys don’t have much to offer us so we just left ‘em”. Wow. While most people aren’t racist, rednecks try NOT to be racist everyday, and then think it’s a big deal when they aren’t. Like there is a prize for not wanting to high five Jim Crow every day. But as cold hearted as they are, they were right. The Browns were fat and slow and were actually eliminated before the Wild Hanlons (also, not made up) but were let back on because a group of hot girls had to drop out due to injury.
I wonder what the injury was, and how I can help.
I would have left them too, but it was the way it played out that was so bad. The Wild Hanlons were placed in a position of power. Never, in the history of America, has a redneck in power been successful. Both Bushes, Clinton (who actually has a copy of Maniquette), and the other Southern presidents can vouch for this.
Peanut farmer first, world leader second
But rednecks aren’t all bad. They have contributed to society a great deal. If there weren’t rednecks there wouldn’t be Jeff Foxworthy jokes, Randy Johnson, the aforementioned Presidents, SEC football, Jefferson Pilot Sports, the color “Hunter’s Orange”, UT fans, 80% of Jerry Springer episodes, 45% of COPS episodes, NASCAR, chewing tobacco, Confederate flags, trailer homes, shotgun weddings, more than 65% of the South Eastern US’s population, UFO sightings, family trees with no branches, and other such redneck contributions to our rich heritage that the USA claims to be its own. And for that I salute you, the redneck, and all the things that make youins special.
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