 |
 |
 |
| previous column | next column |
Have a drink with Shaw, for his birthday
07/11/06
by Shaw
Since my birthday is coming up this weekend, I thought this would be a good time to have a drink together with all of the Deadly Hippos readers. Unfortunately, our fan base is so widely scattered across the continent and world that there is no way I could realistically do this. So to simulate the experience, I have set up a remote drinking game. Most people read the site at work so it's fine if you drink coffee, just make sure you dump a little Irish into it before you start... you know I'll be having some.
It seems like the game which is most readily compatible with this distance is "I never." For those of you who read the site but don't know about "I never" (a list which likely includes my parents), the rules are simple: When it's your turn, you finish the sentence "I never..." by naming some specific act. Everyone in the group, the speaker included, sips their drink if they have done it, they abstain if they have not. Sample: "I never wrote a book called Maniquette." [All of the Deadly Hippos would then drink, and none of you would.] Got it? So grab that Irish coffee/beer/11:00am wine, and let's play.
One more thing. As I said, my parents read the site, so don't expect to find anything (morally) dirty below.
1. I never... idiotically decided that I would save some money by ending my lease at my apartment on the 30th of June when my new lease doesn't start until July 16, causing me to be homeless for an 18 day stretch (including my birthday) in the middle of the summer.
[Shaw drinks]
2. I never... got a football stuck 40 feet up in a tree, and, in contemplating how to get the ball down, decided climbing the tree to shake the branch was the best way... and in the meantime, my friend Dave never told me that the leafy greens coating the trunk looked like poison ivy, and in my best former Boy Scout official tone, I never said "no way, that's not poison ivy," and climbed the tree anyway... shirtless... and got horrendous poison ivy everywhere on my body, including my ------.
[Shaw drinks]
3. I never... got horrible poison ivy in a failed attempt to retrieve a ball in a tree, and in a last-ditch wild Hail Mary toss, dislodged said ball on my first try with a small rock tossed from the ground, rendering the ridiculous poison ivy totally pointless.
[Shaw drinks]
4. I never... decided to act on the advice of a friend and got a horrible sunburn to help dry out the poison ivy I had coating my entire body, rendering me unable to don clothing without screaming.
[Shaw drinks]
5. I never... went to the gas station to get some gas, started pumping the gas, walked into the station to get a quart of oil and, after unsuccessfully searching for the oil I needed for 5 minutes, stormed out of the gas station in a huff, got into my car, and drove off... without disengaging the pump from my tank... and drove away, ripping the fuel pump from the tank, causing it to rubber-band back onto rear windshield of my car and make a huge noise.
[Shaw drinks]
6. I never... went to a beach-themed party in the middle of winter, had fun for about half an hour, and then woke up the next morning wearing just my swimsuit, with no keys, no phone, no wallet, no shoes, and no idea where I was... which turned out to be my roommate's girlfriend's bed.
[Shaw drinks--don't worry, I'm not Tucker Max; my roommate's girlfriend was back in my room with my roommate.]
7. I never... played a kickball game as a camp counselor with a bunch of 5-year olds and threw one of them out from home plate with a ball aimed directly at his head... twice.
[Shaw drinks]
8. I never... acquired a used bed in college from the most unlikely source: a priest, meaning it was either really really clean... or really really dirty.
[Shaw drinks]
9. I never... shunned three different girls in college who were oddly and irrationally obsessed with me, causing them to move on to hook up with one of my best friends (the same best friend every time).
[Shaw drinks]
10. I never... got thrown out of a basketball game in college for using audible profanity while the arena was entirely silent, in particular offering to simplify the ref's complicated physiology by removing his intestines with a fork... oh, and have sex with his daughter and show him the videotape.
[Shaw drinks]
Okay, I'm definitely drunk now. Time to head to the pool to get some sun.
Send us your ridiculous foibles and triumphs, and make sure you spray some Binaca to hide your alcohol breath.
_______________________________________
Discuss this and any other column deadlyhippos.com column at our message board.