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ESPN Drinking Games
07/18/06
by DJ
The off-season can be a lonely, boring place. After morning basketball workouts there is just about nothing for me to do the rest of the day. So what does a guy do when he has time to kill? Watch ESPN and drink with his buddies, and maybe even throw a carcass on the BBQ for sustenance.
But even this presumed rite of passage gets old after a while. So the Baron, my faithful old drinking buddy, (I’d never drink alone, that would mean I have a problem), suggested I come up with a drinking game for watching ESPN.
All you need is a couple of buddies, an alcohol problem, a bottle of your favorite booze, and at least an 18 or 30 pack, because it might end up being a long day my friend. So here are shows that you can watch and drink to, irrespective of time order, so you can do as many or as few as you’d like throughout the day. The only requirement is that you have to at least have ESPN Classic on when no specific show is being watched, ergo after a show like PTI comes on and there is a dead period to eat, throw up, or go grab a porn mag, ESPN Classic must always be on in the background. Also keep in mind, since guys tend to get violent when they drink, there are also some “Physical Challenges” involved.
PTI
- Whenever Mike Wilbon or Tony Kornheiser utters the statement “Your Boy,”
take a swig of beer.
- When a dirty old man homily or anecdote is uttered by TK, take a swig. When
Wilbon says a dirty old man homily or anecdote, take a shot.
- If there is a guest host subbing in, take a shot.
- Every time either man says “Sawx” in that weird ass way swig.
Sometimes it is worth remembering that Kornheiser is over 60 and often appears
orange on television. We think this is because he’s from Long Island and, therefore,
radioactive.
PHYSICAL CHALLENGE:
- Whoever doesn’t crack up or burn on Stat-Boy when he comes on screen like a whipped coyote has to take a shot while doing the running man. If you defend Stat Boy in any way, you must take a shot whilst defending yourself from the indefensible Mortal Kombat leg sweep while backed into a corner.
The leg sweep is coming.
- If the execrable Dan LeBatard is on the show and you agree with ANYTHING he says, you have to turn your boxers so the dick hole is facing backwards and do 10 squat thrusts while taking a shot. That man is a moron who looks like a Sopranos reject.
Odds this photo doesn’t haunt LeBatard late at night: 4 billion to one.
Around the Horn
- Wager drinks on the first journalist to be eliminated and the ultimate winner
of the show. All losses result in swigs.
- If you don’t realize the host is Stat-Boy, and all he is doing is talking
to four screens while fondling a joystick in a La-Z-Boy, which is the rough
sports talk show equivalent of playing Atari at home, take a swig. If you don’t
find this hilarious take a chug.
The creator of this chair’s wife was devastated when she found out he was gay.
- If you get halfway through the show, only to realize that it’s a rerun, everyone
must take a shot. Being current on sports news is tantamount.
- If there is ever a woman panelist on, take a shot.
- If all the panelists are of one race, take a shot.
- If Jay Mariotti is making out with Ozzie Guillen, finish the entire Jager
bottle.
Mariotti with the dreamy background from Napoleon Dynamite.
PHYSICAL CHALLENGE
- Occasionally, very very occasionally in fact, Woody Paige will make a good point. If you can siphon it out from the crap, moot points, and wild tangents he normally spews out (as a group consensus), you get to pick out one guy that has to say to a chick later that night, “What? I cunt hair you…” Hopefully, a hearty smack will ensue.
Cold Pizza
- The first person to point out that Woody Paige looks like a grown man with DS is exempt, the others have to swig.
PHYSICAL CHALLENGE
- If anyone laughs at anything Paige has scribbled on that stupid ass chalkboard behind him, then you must not only take a shot, but a) find cold pizza for everyone to eat or b) BBQ food for the group.
ESPN Classic Channel
- Inevitably you will turn to this channel to mix things up. On your channel
guide a general category should be shown such as “NBA” or “CFB”, etc. Whoever
guesses the right game or comes the closest, the others have to have a waterfall
drink. For example if the channel guide says “Boxing,” before you press info
everyone guess the match. Let’s say its Tyson v. Douglas. A guess of Holyfield
v. Tyson would be closer than, let’s say, Ali v. Frazier.
- During said program, anyone who doesn’t remember the outcome has to take a
chug.
- If you remember a specific fact, are challenged and win, the challenger must
swig. In addition, anyone who doesn’t know anything related to the event on
TV and fails to utter something, even a bullshit bluff, much chug.
PHYSICAL CHALLENGE
- If someone says, “This sucks, we already know what happened” in order to change the channel, then a lesson of respect for sports history must be taught. The person found lacking in sports respect has to put a baseball glove on his foot and try and catch a ball from every person while being pegged in the nuts by a wiffle ball. For every drop he must take a shot.
4 Quarters
- This show is stupid. There is no point in even watching it. You’d get more from your local news. If anyone actually wants to watch it, they pay a penalty of one whole beer per quarter watched. Feel free to use this as a time to go start the grill.
PHYSICAL CHALLENGE:
- The person responsible for making the group watch 3 quarters or more has to attempt, at least once, to impale himself on a serving platter. Yes, this is severe, but this show is that useless.
Stump the Schwab (also on ESPN Classic) WARNING:
This one will get you REAL drunk…
- Every time the Schwab misses take a shot
- Everytime a contestant misses take a swig
- Everytime you or your friend misses, take a swig, and people must legitimately
guess and not just read the side of the screen on every subject.
- For the final one on one battle, everyone takes turns guessing. Every miss
you swig, every right answer you pass a swig. Conversely, every time the contestant
misses you also swig, and when the Schwab misses take a shot.
- For every visible chin on the Schwab, take a swig.
- As voted by the group, when Stuart Scott does or says something that makes
all of you uncomfortable, take a swig.
Stuart Scott: The first man in world history to legitimately
make googly eyes to every woman…or man he sees.
- If the Schwab is wearing a sports jersey, then take a chug BUT if he is matched by a contestant wearing a sports jersey on the same show then it’s a push and in this case the house wins. Everyone must take a shot.
PHYSICAL CHALLENGE
- Whoever wins on the show, everyone must hurl insults at him and the least funny has to shotgun a beer while balancing a beer on his head. If the can on his head falls, he must take a shot. If it doesn’t the other people must take a shot.
SportsCenter
- If anyone guesses the lead story correctly, the others swig. If you are incorrect
you swig.
- For every female host or reporter on the show, pull a Joe Namath and say sexually
explicit things to them. The one that would most likely land you in court for
a hysterical quote is the winner. The losers have to chug. If you can’t harass
correctly then you have problems.
- If your alma mater is mentioned in anyway, chug.
- If your state is mentioned swig.
- If any of your favorite teams are mentioned swig.
- For every athlete in trouble with the law take a shot. For every athlete/owner
in trouble with the league take a swig. For every death mentioned, pour a lil’
out for the homies.
- Every “booyah” or “off the meat rack” comment means trouble for you, take
a swig.
Note to Kenny Mayne…that commercial where you sit in the stadium by yourself.
Tell us they gave you all the meat and cheeses in Eastern Europe for doing it.
Even still, how could you?
PHYSICAL CHALLENGE
- Anytime a host busts out laughing, the last one to shout out a hot athlete they would roger has to get wet and roll around in the grass outside in your skivvies. If there is no grass, gravel will do. You should ALWAYS have a hot athlete you want to bone on the brain at all times.
ESPN.com/Page2 any article by Bill Simmons
WARNING: Heavy intoxication may ensue, depending on how self-indulgent BS feels that day…
- Presumably you were searching for porn, checking fantasy leagues, or email
before coming here. If none of the former applies, take a chug. If you came
directly to this page, take a break and go look at porn.
- Everytime BS mentions his father, daughter, or wife, take a swig.
- Everytime he answers a question, with a question, take a swig.
- When you see parentheticals, take a swig, if you have no idea what parentheticals
are take a chug.
- Everytime he talks about his book, take a chug.
- Everytime BS name-drops, take a chug.
- Note: on the above tasks you may be incredibly, incredibly intoxicated, and
probably after only the first two paragraphs or so. Feel free to take a 5 minute
water break, or just to rest your eyes from the attempted autobiography you
are reading.
- If you or your friends don’t think he looks like Larry Appleton from Perfect
Strangers, you all take a shot. He does.
PYHSICAL CHALLENGE:
- This is from JT: “Everytime he writes another article about the Red Sox to his now worldwide audience who could care less about Boston sports, you shoot yourself in the thigh with a nailgun. Granted, it's not a drinking game but it is what I feel like doing when he writes that shit.” Feel free to follow this one at your own peril. Your leg will be chock full of holes in no time. Actually, don’t do that we don’t want to get sued. Just head butt a liquor bottle or something.
Rome is Burning
- “The goatee is worth a solid ten seconds of chugging to begin with. If you
are watching this show with someone who has a goatee he can be pegged, at random,
with suitable footballs, basketballs, wiffle balls, or sundry other athletic
apparel from your living room.
- Every time Rome pauses for ten seconds or longer, take a shot.
- Every time that Rome McDonald’s commercial comes on that begins, “I love me
some chicken,” do a shot.
- Every time Rome makes fun of someone who could legitimately beat his ass with
both hands tied behind his back and only one wooden leg, drink.” (Note: This
rule may be voided if necessary as really this is an alcoholic's version of
the game because Rome rarely speaks about anyone that couldn't beat his ass).
Seriously, is there any legitimate reason why Jim Rome should ever be photographed
in black and white? Did he make this sad face after his local McDonald’s told
him he couldn’t have chicken?
- Every time the host from Blind Date is on the panel, take a
chug.
- If you can guess the ethnicity of JR and successfully prove it, the other
combatants must take two shots apiece. This sounds harsh, but will never happen
because no one knows what he is by looking at him. JT thinks he is Algerian,
I lean more towards a Malaysian and Prussian mix.
PHYSICAL CHALLENGE
- If anyone doesn’t know the name of the QB who beat his ass like a rented mule many years back, they have to grease their hair back and be Jim Rome in public later that night, asking people who it was that beat him up until someone answers correctly. Everytime he slips out of character, even when talking to chicks or ordering drinks, he gets punched.
I left off ESPNews because they are somehow like the Cliff Notes version of Sportscenter and D-League of ESPN all rolled into one. You see call-ups to the big show every now and again, but few rarely catch on for the whole season. But If anyone could find a game for this one, it would be greatly appreciated to complete the whole set. Well there you have it. A full day o’ drinking. Just like I like it.
The best part about my ESPN Drinking Games are that they change almost everyday, and get more or less intense, depending on what season it is. It’s a perfect way to entertain your buddies on a boring ass day. Splitting a bottle of liquor, a 30 pack, and something for the grill turns out to be a cheap ass way to kill time while that pesky sun is out. The bars can be the official after party. Do what you will with this drinking game to end all drinking games Hippos Nation. As a matter of fact, an autographed copy of our book Maniquette AND an autographed shirt by an NBA player will be sent directly to you if you complete a high majority of the shows, and send us legitimate documented proof. Bonus prizes will also be considered if a hot girl is also involved in said carousing. But whatever you do, drink responsibly, and don’t drink and drive….past the speed limit on busy streets…or unless you’re on your way to Krystal or White Castle to top off the night.
While you're here reading DJ's column, check out our new book, Maniquette, for sale on Amazon...
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