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Putting Athletes on MTV Shows
07/19/06
by JT
As the dull summer months of sports roll on, I find myself watching one of 3 channels with the lack of basketball, football, and... well, college basketball and football games. The trifectorate of channels are as follows, Comedy Central, ESPN classic, and (sadly) MTV. While the awesomeness of the first two channels cannot be argued, MTV is absolutely terrible. Yet I can't control myself. I watch it constantly. It's like a Keanu Reeves movie, you know he is going to be awful in it, yet you can't talk yourself out of seeing the movie. Anyways, I've come to a couple of conclusions during this downtime in sport. The first is that MTV should now be called RTV, since I believe that literally everything on MTV is now a reality TV show. Seriously, watch it for a 24 hour period and see if you find any type of programming without reality TV involvement, and the commercials don't count. The second is that these shows could be infinitely better if we just threw in some of our most notorious professional athletes. Here are my ideas:
- Terell Owens on Next -
Let me start by saying that Next may quite possibly be the worst thing to happen to America in years. It is a celebration of everything that is wrong with our society. But for whatever reason, I can't turn it off. Much like heroin, I know what kind of damage it is doing to my brain, yet I watch anyway. What could make it better you ask? Throw T.O. on the show with 5 NFL GM's, Coaches or Quarterbacks. Imagine how it would play out.
The scene is a outside of the Next Bus in a field in LA.
First out of the bus is the current GM of the 49ers (whoever that is).
T.O. - (outside of the bus doing situps) "I'm Terell, but everyone calls me T.O. I'm a freakish athlete and I know it. I'm looking for someone who will try to get me the ball on every play, and constantly tell me how much better I am than everyone else. If those guys on the bus think they can win without me they will get Nexted!"
49ers GM - "Ummm. Hi Terell my name is..."
T.O. - (interupting him) "That isn't important to T.O., what is important is this. Would you ever have a possibly gay, very metrosexual QB with a shaved head and a latin sounding last name on your team to try to get T.O. the ball?
49ers GM - "Ummm. Well, I guess if he had been in the Pro Bowl a couple of times and lead us to the playoffs I might...."
T.O. - "NEXT!!!"
49ers GM - (hand on his hip while shaking his finger Dikembe Mutombo style) "Whatever. You're too old for a big contract anyway!"
T.O. - "That guy shouldn't have said that about T.O. If I played for them I would force a horrible trade that would cripple his franchise for years. I'm T.O. dammit!"
Next out of the bus is Donavan McNabb of the Philadelphia Eagles.T.O. is now in full body spandex, running pass routes.
T.O. - "Pick up that football and throw me some passes man."
McNabb - "Cool."
After several perfect passes a bystander walks by and says that McNabb is a better player than TO.
T.O. - "What!! Look at him, he is sweating because it's hot out! He can't handle the heat! Do you see T.O. sweating? I'm carrying him right now, he wouldn't have completed any of these passes without me... I am better than him... Look at me... LOOK AT ME!!!! NEXT!!!!
T.O. - "I came back from a broken leg in like 4 weeks. I can't be on a team with a guy who gets tired sometimes. Who does he think he is anyway? Brett Favre? I had to Next him."
McNabb - "That dude is fucking crazy."
Next out of the bus is Bill Parcells of the Dallas Cowboys.
T.O. - "Hey man do me a...."
Parcells - "Shut up son and listen to me. This is my team, my show, and if your premadonna ass can't handle then I will Next you before you can call Drew Rosenhaus! If you doubt me call Keyshawn Johnson."
T.O. shortly after Nexting Donavan McNabb
- Zinadine Zidane on Yo Mamma-
Here's the scene:
Wilmer Valderamma - "Today we have two men here representing for the pride of they hoood... and one thousssand dollars cashmaaaney! From Compton.... J-BOOGie! And from Marseille.... Zidane! Find out who will win next on.... Jo MAMMA!!"
Fez - "..... Let's BULLY!!!"
J-Boogie - "Zidane's mama got one big titty and on little titty... everyone calls that bitch Biggie Smalls!!!"
Crowd - "OOOOOOOOH!!! SNAP!!!"
Zidane - "I don't undestand? (Ebonics to English translator explains to him) How can a man be both big and small? Do you speak le englais?"
J-Boogie - "wassup with Napolean over here son? Whats wrong with you dog? Yo' mama in Al Queida or some shit??"
Zidane - "Sacre bleau!!" (calmly walks towards J-Boogie then fractures his chestplate with a viscious headbutt)
Crowd - "OOOOOOOOH!!!"
Wilmer - "This is a close call, I have to talk it over with my peeps... (discusses with two horribly dressed unfunny token white and black guys) This was hard because you both have unique stylesss and deliveriessss... J-Boogie had good jokes, but they weren't very original. Zidane didn't have any jokes at all, but he had a ton of sting! But you can't head butt people on the show. So the winner is....... J-BOOGIE!!! He gets to go home with the pride of hisss hoood and one thousssand dollars cashmaaaney! This has been..... JO MAMMA!!!"
Zidane poorly attempting some "yo mamma" jokes
- Ron Artest on The Real World; Key West-
Scene - After a night of drinking, the roomates come home wasted and fiesty after Ron had left them at the bar again and taken the house car home....
Artest - (playing pool and attempting to freestyle rap) "Wassup y'all!"
John - "Wassup Ronnie! Thanks for buying me all those Jaeger Bombs! I am
wasted!"
Tyler - "Do you know what kind of crap I've been through in my life as
a gay man Ronnie!!?! Maybe you should think about that before you judge me!"
Artest - "What the fuck are you talking about man?"
Paula - "Yeah Ronnie! And how can you leave us at the bar like that? Kiss....
my ..... AAAAASS!!"
Artest - (lies down on pool table)
Zach - "Why don't we all just calm down and talk about this rationally?"
Paula - (nearly convulsing from sobbing) "Kiss... my.... AAAASS!!!"
(throws water cup in the direction of Artest)
Artest - (Snaps and charges the rest of the housemates throwing haymakers)
Enter Carlos Mencia - "Da na da DAA!" (he wanders into the living room with a friend, both wearing Ben Wallace jerseys and finds himself face to face with Artest)
Artest lands a haymaker directly between the eyes of Mencia, the house cheers in unison. Jermaine O'Neill comes flying in to explode Mencia's friends face. Stephen Jackson arrives with no shirt on, weilding a crossbow and a hoolahoop. David Stern can only look on in horror....
Paula of the Real World, one of the few people in the world who can out-crazy
Ron Artest
Ben Roethlisberger on Pimp My Ride -
A woman is driving her beat up car down a road....
"My name is Michelle, and this is my ride. It is a 1987 Toyota Camry that I bought in college from a homeless man for $200. It is missing the trunk cover and only runs if you mix some Boones Farm Strawberry Hill wine and some dishwater with the gasoline. I lost the trunk cover when I backed it into the wall of my apartment complex while I was high on shrooms and I had to repaint it myself last year with the juice of crushed blueberries. Still, it's my baby though and I wouldn't trade it for any other car. Ben help me please and Pimp my Ri..... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
Just then Roethlisberger crashes headfirst into the girls car at full speed while riding his motorcycle. The girl slams on the breaks and jumps out of the car.
Michelle - "OH MY GOD!!! Are you OK???"
Roethlisburger - (Stands up with blood pouring from his nostrils) "Not
as OK as you Michelle, your ride has officially been PIMPED!"
Roethlisberger seen shortly before pimping someones ride
These are just a few examples of the extraordinary possibilities in putting athletes on MTV. Some others could be:
- Michelle Wie on Made, where she wants to become a male golfer.
- Ray Lewis on Scared Straight. Actually, Ray would probably scare the prisoners.
- JJ Redick and Adam Morrison on Fresh Meat, it turns out that Wes thinks he
is better than them too.
If you have any other ideas feel free as always to post them on our message board. And please God, let football season get here soon so I can stop watching this crap.
While you're here reading JT's column, check out our new book, Maniquette, for sale on Amazon...
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