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USA v. Italy Game Diary
06/21/06
by DJ

We here are DH are diversifying our game diary portfolios by providing you with this one. The Fever is spreading like Jenna Jamison on set. I was psyched to actually watch this game as I have been watching the games all week. There have been some awesome games. Being in Europe most of the year, I have come to appreciate the game, since it's the only sports on TV during the day. And having been to some games as well, I am what you call "well endowed", in soccer/footie knowledge that is.

10:30 AM - I woke up and tried to find the game on TV. I could swear it's on ABCHD but it's not on the guide. Things are already off to a rough start. But I persevere. I find it on a Spanish channel and listen to the pregame there. Those dudes are hype. I can actually understand most of what they are saying, due to my forays in Spain and most of CA being populated by Mexicans. Spanish is awesome.

10:45 AM - Still on the Spanish channel. Those chicks are hot as hell. Pretty soon you might be getting a Hot Spanish Chick Game Diary. I also discern that the USA is the only one in the group without any points going into the game because the team that drilled us last week, the Czechs, got lambasted by Ghana. It's the soccer equivalent of being the last virgin in your group of guy friends. There is a DH related joke in there that I will let alone, maybe after a couple more beers.

11:00 AM - Frantic search for the game begins because I don't want to watch the whole thing in Spanish, as it is tiring to constantly have to think about what they are saying. During the search I find that Toronto and Hamilton are playing in the CFL at noon. I want to see Ricky Williams so I may flip over. Especially if I can't find the game in English. I swear I thought it was on ABC.

11:15 AM - The Spanish channel was showing all the different chicks from the countries in the stands. Guess which country had the least hottest chicks? I am sure they did this on purpose, showing probably the few ugly chicks that made the trek to Germany from the US or from the Air Force base that is in Germany. That pisses me off. On an unrelated note, the DH posse are either going to vacation in Brazil, Spain, Sweden, Italy, or Argentina next year.

11:19 - Still haven't found the game yet. I am actually nervous. It's on there somewhere, I just can't find it on the guide. DAMN YOU COMCAST!!! A twinge of fear strikes me as I realize that for some unseen reason, they may have blacked out the game. No way, they can't do that. We will see. But then I will have an excuse to go to a sports bar and drink before noon. It's all about finding the silver lining people.....

11:25 - I still can't find it. Someone is going to get canned over this. An American is actually fired up about soccer and he can't find the game. And California wants to get rid of Mexicans, but the only way I might be able to watch it is on a channel mainly for them. I am awash in irony.

11:30 - It's on ABC. It just wasn't showing up. Comcast cost me at least 45 minutes worth of drinking. Yes, Brent Musburger is doing the game. U2 does the intro. They are corporate whores. I love those soccer commercials this year though, like the one where the two Spanish kids are playing pickup and they pick the stars from around the world.

11:50 - The US coach said he had to make some changes after the last game. So what does he do? He goes and benches two black dudes. Typical USA, when something goes wrong, blame it on the black guys. I find this funny. Soccer might be the only sport where you have more black dudes on the bench than on the field. But then again from being in Europe, African Americans don't scare Europeans thus get no respect like they do in the states, but Africans do. If we had some more Africans then maybe we would be off the hook. I think the closest we have is this guy.

11:52 - Damn. No Musburger, instead we have one guy that looks like Rob Zombie and another guy that looks like he should be announcing darts or snooker.... for a junior college.

11:55 - My wife is Italian. I wonder if she is torn today? I won't ask.

11:56 - The rest of the world really loves sticking it to the USA. Wow, I was just interrupted by a hairy Italian man wearing only blue underwear with an Italian flag on it. It was weird, I can't even finish my last thought. The point was everyone hates America in short.

11:57 - USA looked scared shitless during the anthems. And I swear if they show another drunk ugly American chick on TV I am going to kill someone. The rest of the world is going to think they have hotter chicks than us and we treat our black dudes like crap. Oh wait.....

12:11 - The US looks like they are playing hard but they look all clumsy out there. I swear they seem like a JV team at times. They don't even look intimidating out there. And Italy nearly scored already 13 minutes into the match.

12:15 - After 20 passes in an 8 foot area the US gets a spot kick right outside the box. Off the Italian wall into a corner kick. Damn the USA almost scored. At least they are getting opportunities.

12:20 - This Dempsey guy is fired up at least. He is out there going at those Italians. I hate it when announcers, or anybody, talk normal English but when they get to someones name that is from another language they pronounce it in that accent. You aren't fooling anyone. Stop. Continue to speak in your normal tone.

12:21 - Edie Pope just got a yellow card. Italy just scored off a header that was pretty sick. Speaking of sick, the US team is now. I am calling Claudio Reyna out on this one. He could have headed the ball away and instead Eddie Pope's man headed it in. Within a couple of minutes, ol' Pope tricked off twice. Maybe they should have benched all three black dudes....

12:26 - Reyna and Landon Donovan look feeble out there.

12:27 - GGOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!! I don't care if it was an own goal....GGOOOOOOOOOOAAALLLLLL!!!!! And one minute later some Italian gets a red card! The winds are changing for the US. Damn that Italian dude DeRossi elbowed the shit out of Brian McBride, splitting his whole cheek wide open. Must be some Axis Power frustration or something coming to fruition. But now they are a man down...and forward Luca Toni still almost scored two minutes later...

12:35 - Inexplicably, Italy subs out Totti, who probably makes more money than most of the US team combined. He is probably one of the top 5 players in Italy, and top 25 in the world. Either this is massively arrogant or brilliant. Probably just arrogance though.

12:41 - From 35 yards, US player Pablo Mastroeni hits a sick shot that barely misses the right upper 90. Next Reyna shoots a good one off an Italian for a corner....which is badly played but at least we are being aggressive.

12:45 - Wow. A horrible red card is given to Mastroeni. It's 10 on 10 now. Refs suck in every sport in every country. The good thing about soccer is you can dog cuss a ref for 90 minutes and get away with it. I doubt the US will do it but they need to. Maybe they will get some more respect if the just abused the refs like they do in England. That was one of the worst calls in World Cup history. 1 - 1 at half time.

HALFTIME - I turned to the CFL game Hamilton/Toronto. Ricky Williams just caught a pass out of the backfield and took off for like 15 yards. That man can play. I have been hard on him in past articles, but really he just likes to smoke pot. Is that a crime?

1:03 - Kasey Keller just looks lazy to me. We need the dude who tried to kick for the Jets. Wow. These refs are a fucking disgrace. The same dude gave Pope a questionable yellow card and now he is out. Now we have 9 guys against 10. Besides being a cop, a ref is the most hated job on the planet. And the Italians are now flop crazy. They act like they just got mowed down by a Howitzer, then they pop back up. The US has 20 fouls called on them and the Italians only 7. YES!!!! The "BULL SHIT. BULL SHIT" chant has surfaced!!! Despite only 5 Coronas at this point, I am fired up and pissed as well...

1:18 - They need to take out Reyna and put in Eddie Johnson or DeMarcus Beasley. They need some speed. Italy just subbed out their best player Toni. So now their best players are on the bench. Beasley just subbed in for Dempsey on cue. Let's go USA...

1:20 - Donovan sets up McBride for a sweet shot but he misses...Donovan stepped up his game the second half. He has skills when he is aggressive.

1:25 - The ref just took Beasley's goal away for McBride interfering with the goalie. The announcers said it was a good call. I say it's bull shit because they fucked up everything all day, so now they want to step up and do something "right". Cowards. They wouldn't have called that shit on Italy. They just don't want us to win. Say what you will about the tenents of National Socialism, but the US should be up. I'm pissed beyond belief at this point.

1:55 - Game ends in a 1-1 draw. We are still in last place with a point, and we have to beat Ghana, who blasted the team that beat us. Things aren't looking good, but I am proud to be an American today because they showed some balls. Good job fellas.

I think that from now on that history should play a part in World Cup Soccer. By this I mean that if a country whooped another countries' ass in a war or owe a huge debt, then the lesser country should have to play a man down for at least fifteen minutes, kind of like when you have a penalty in hockey. So since Italy was once an Axis Power, they should have had to start the game with 10 players. Or if the two countries have never done battle off the pitch, they should take it straight to the stands and 1) have a pregame hooligan fight or b) have a hot girl search at random. The winner should decide who starts with a man down. Sort of like the winner of the MLB All-Star Game has home field advantage. That also means by default in both cases Brazil will NEVER be a man down before a game starts. But then if a team like England plays Sweden, Sweden would probably start a man up. This would even out the games a little and added a little more heat to the fans who have already been diagnosed with World Cup Fever.

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