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LeBron, the trend-setter?
06/01/06
by Clay

One day, five years from now, everyone is going to bite their fingernails on the basketball court because it's cool. That's because Lebron James' consistent chewing of his fingernails will have become the new inexplicable basketball trend that no one in their right mind could have predicted. If you don't believe me, file this column away somewhere in the digital recesses of your computer (beside the naked photos of Shannon Doherty) and five years hence you'll see what prescience we carry. And LeBron still won't be the trend-setter for the most unexplainable fashion trends.

That's because this fashion honor resides with none other than Michael Jordan. If you told your average basketball fan in 1985 that by 1995, Jordan would be wearing loose shorts that fell to at least his knees, would occasionally play basketball with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and that even if he wasn't balding, he would feel compelled to shave his head bald.

If you would've uttered these predictions, the average basketball fan would've probably slapped you. Each and every one of these trends derived from Jordan and individually would have seemed ridiculous. Yet somehow Jordan pulled them all off. In fact, his ability to make male baldness the most sought after look for black men might rank as the most impressive fashion success story since Skidz pants were worn in conjunction with Starter Jackets and L.A. Gears.

Just imagine how many black guys stood in front of the mirror watching their baldness creep farther up their forehead while cursing their advancing age. Then out of nowhere, the coolest athlete on earth (who also is balding) manages to rescue you from the sexual desert by shaving his head completely. Talk about answered prayers. How much pull did Jordan exert on modern society? He made choosing baldness for black guys who weren't even balding the preferred hairstyle.

Of course, this move didn't really work so well for balding white guys despite their best efforts. As Jerry memorably inquired upon meeting Elaine's boyfriend with the completely shaved head, "Are you from the future?" Indeed. Perhaps what white America needs is a balding white guy to take the plunge. Unfortunately, guys like Matt Hasselbeck, David Letterman, Chris Kaman, Larry David and others seem committed to doing whatever they can to hang on to whatever tendrils of hair they have remaining. So white men still silently weep when their hair begins to clog the shower drain.

Not only did Jordan completely remake basketball; he made every player who came before him look ridiculous for playing in short shorts. Remember how guys like John Stockton got made fun of mercilessly for refusing to bend to the fashion winds and wear shorts that didn't hug their body? Yet all Stockton did was stick with a trend that prevailed for the past 30 years in NBA basketball. However, so spectacularly did Jordan's long shorts takeover sweep the country that by my elementary school days, if you were a guy and your shorts even fit, you were likely to end recess tied to the tether ball stand.

So LeBron's nail-biting trend isn't even really a fashion challenge. Fingernail biting is here to stay; it's the new Neveah (Heaven spelled backward has become a hugely popular baby name for girls). Kids on blacktops across America are now draining jumpers and assaulting their cuticles as they jog back down court. But come on, what else has LeBron brought to the game? How has he remade the fashion of the court in his honor?

Don't give me tights.

We here at Deadly Hippos think Kobe started the tights trend, but even if we give LeBron partial credit for the tights, the NBA has already made them illegal. So that's gone. But if LeBron is truly going to become the next Jordan, he's really going to have to step up his on-court fashion changes. We would like to assist this court makeover and we've come up with the following suggestions for LeBron:

1. Two words: Unitard uniforms. I know, this seems pretty radical and has really only worked for the women's Australian Olympic team on the court. But there's a male unitard role model also. Didn't it work pretty well for Andre the Giant? Plus, it offers a handy marketing tool now that Andre's dead. LeBron can claim his title of Eighth Wonder of the World. And come on, are you telling me that LeBron can't make the unitard pop the jersey pop of the next decade?

2. Begin wearing a mustache like Johnnycakes from The Sopranos.

3. Introduce the WWMFD (What Would Morgan Freeman Do) knee band. DH Canon No. 237: Morgan Freeman Knows the Answer to Everything.

4. Play with a red scarf around your neck and refer to yourself as LeBaron. Incidentally, does Red Baron pizza still exist? If not, this makes less sense. Also, it could be difficult for a 21st century American basketball player to adopt the nickname of a German World War I fighter pilot with more than 80 kills, but people have pretty short historical memories so it might work fine. After all, despite limited connections between the Red Baron and pizza pie, the name somehow made people buy pizza.

Answer: Yes. Check your local freezer section.

5. Announce that you have renounced all whole numbers and insist upon pi (3.14 ...) as your new jersey number of choice. When questioned as to why, state that you believe American students need to pay more attention to math and science. Then cash your increased endorsement checks. Watch as other NBA stars rapidly fall into line attempting to claim such goldmines as 98.6, 1.61803399 (DaVinci Code money could be huge), -273, -187 (Tagline: Stop the Violence) and 2.718 -- which is so mathematically important I can't even understand what it means.

6. Cleanly shave your entire face and grow a complete neck beard. Wait ...

7. Trade in your Nikes and switch to those ridiculously popular women's clogs called Crocs. If you're a man, you are completely clueless about these shoes, but if you are female, you own 15 pairs and just decided to buy more after reading this sentence.

8. Play with a colorful candied necklace around your neck. During timeouts, offer bites to your teammates.

After that, these will become popular in the WNBA

9. Demand sleeves for the Cavs jerseys. When they arrive, push for a new league rule: "Everyone who is not the Second Coming has to play with sleeves." Relish the fresh air on your skin.

10. Play with a Ring Pop on your index finger. After every made basket, jog back down court savoring the sweet blue-raspberry or green apple flavor. If you don't remember Ring Pops, you probably grew up on the wrong side of the Iron Curtain. Ring Pops almost made losing in Little League palatable. Substitute alternate flavors based on your mood.

11. Grow a goatee on one side of your face and a mustache on the other. Call this look the Hirsute Disembowler.

12. Play in a beret. Sprinkle French phrases into your vocabulary until eventually when you start calling your jumpshot LeJumpshot and your dunk, LeDunk, we won't even be able to think about LeBasketball before LeBron.

In other news, I remains in rigorous training mode in Nashville, Tenn. as we await word from Pat Robertson regarding the pentathlon challenge issued last week. I promise you this, I'm not misspelling "tomorrow" in our spelling bee like I did in the sixth grade. This is my chance for Brick Church Middle School redemption. And how many chances at Brick Church Middle School spelling bee redemption can one man get? Stay tuned.

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